lone•ly
/'lōnlē/
adjective
adjective: lonely; comparative adjective: lonelier; superlative adjective: loneliest
• without companions; solitary.
I glance outside of my office and see a new client of mine filling out forms next to Antoine. The girl glances up at me and smiles weakly. I step over to her and see how her body is trembling.
"Is everything with these forms okay?" I ask her, sitting in the empty chair beside her.
"I'm confused about the medication section."
"You just need to put down any medications that you take and if you don't know the dosage, we can get that later," I tell her.
"Oh, well then I'm done," she tells me, handing me the clipboard, her hands shaking.
"Thank you," I say. "your appointment isn't until after my first client's so you can grab any of those magazines or listen to music."
She gives me a nervous smile and nods. I look over at Antoine and tell him that it's time for his appointment and he stands up from the chair he had been seated in and steps into my office.
"Ah," he winces as he sits down. I glance down at Antoine's bloodstained knuckles and then up at his face. One could guess that Antoine just got jumped. He looks like he almost wants to cry.
I take a seat in my leather chair and he looks over at me, taking deep breaths.
"Are you angry or just in pain?"
"Both," he answers and I take a deep breath, preparing for the worst.
"Do they tie together?"
He nods. "The anger causes the pain."
"How?" I question, grabbing my notepad and a pen.
"I thought being back with Lauren could fix the emptiness that I felt when Amy and Tyler got closer," Antoine explains. It never does. "but it didn't so I had to break it off with her."
"Is that why you feel so much pain?"
He shakes his head, no.
"Why do you, then?"
"Amy and Tyler got in a car accident," he begins. "I'd be lying if I said that doesn't kill me inside. Especially since Amy lost her memory. But it also gives me some hope that she now doesn't remember any of us so now I have a chance at winning her heart this time."
"Have you tried to get to her?" I ask.
"Not yet," Antoine says. "I've only introduced myself to her. But I'm not sure what I'll be able to do since I've lost Tyler as a friend and that discourages me. I never intended to fight with Tyler like this. I never intended to lose him. It seems like all he and I have done is fight so I haven't even had a chance to get anywhere near Amy."
"What are the fights like?"
"Physical and verbal."
I nod and write this down on the notepad. "So, your knuckles having dry blood on them and your jaw being bruised...are those from fighting with Tyler?"
"Yeah," he answers me. "it almost feels like he's trying to hide something from me but I don't know what."
-
The cool wall of the shower touches my ass as the door to my bathroom opens and closes. At first, I think there's an intruder but then I remember how that hot tattooed sex addict practically lives with me.
I peek around the curtain and I swear my mouth starts watering from Jamie pulling his shirt off. Thank god he doesn't notice me staring. The next thing I see is him pulling his jeans off along with his briefs. He lied when he said he doesn't stare at his dick when he takes his clothes off. He so does. I mean he's doing exactly that right now. "The mirror isn't that fogged up yet."
I pull my head away from the curtain, my chest raising and lowering quickly. "What do you mean?"
"I know you were staring at me," he tells me. "I'll gladly join you because I know how much you want a better view of what I'm about to put inside of you."
I bite my lip, every part of my body wanting him to fuck me so hard. My hand trails down my stomach, inching toward my hips. The curtain opens as my index finger rubs my clit in a circular motion and my breathing deepens. Two of my fingers threaten to slip into my pussy but before they can, Jamie grabs my wrist and moves my hand so my fingers wrap around his half hard dick. I look up into Jamie's eyes and the smug grin on his face gets even smugger. The urge to suck him off is unbearable. My hand moves up and down on him and he moans quietly in my ear. His shaft hardens under my touch and I smirk at how easy it is to get him hard.
Jamie grabs my bare hips and his huge hands push me up against the wet tiles on the wall of the shower. I whimper, my hand still wrapped around his dick and he lifts it up so it grasps his wet back. He presses his body to mine and I whine, his length hitting my stomach. Our foreheads touch and Jamie's breathing gets heavier and his lips open slightly, exhaling warm air which reaches my boobs causing them to goosebump.
He grabs himself and threatens to enter me but he speaks before he does anything. "You're flexible, right?"
I nod, confused about why he's asking me this.
"Good," he says. "leg up."
I swallow hard as Jamie lifts my right leg up. He flicks his tongue against my bottom lip and I keep my lips closed and I probably shouldn't be teasing him right now because the next thing I know, he pounds into me and I gasp. His lips immediately attach to mine and his tongue presses against mine. I moan loudly as water drips off of his hair on to my pussy and in between my clit. One of my hands moves down to my clit and I start to move my fingers in circles on it as Jamie continues to thrust in and out of me. "Oh my god, faster."
"Shh, baby," he whispers in my ear and goes slower, throwing me off the edge. As I'm just about to cum, he pulls out and I whine.
"I was so close," I moan.
"And I don't have a condom so I hope you don't have a problem with tasting new things," Jamie lets my leg down and moves his face to my chest and sucks on my boobs.
"What do you mean...?" I trail off, knowing exactly what he means. He continues to suck on my chest and then lifts his head back up, grinning down at the hickey he just gave me.
"Some girls can't stand the taste of it," he smirks. "I hope you can."
"I don't even know how it tastes," I whimper.
"Do you want to know?"
I nod and my heart races. "Tell me what you want me to do."
"Get on your knees, princess," Jamie says, his hot breath hitting my face. I lick my lips and kneel down in front of him, his hard dick pointing straight at me. My mouth practically starts watering at the thought of him this close to my face. "open your mouth." He runs his fingers through my hair.
I open my mouth and partially stick my tongue out and he grabs himself in his hand and rubs his tip on my tongue and I sigh, wanting to suck him off.
Jamie pumps his hand slowly on his shaft and gets himself harder and me hornier. "Either cum or let me suck your dick, Jamie."
He smirks, staring down into my eyes. He moves his hand faster on his dick and then stops. I look up at him, mouth wide open, confused. But then, he cums into my mouth and I surprisingly find myself liking the taste. I swallow, blinking up at him. I stand back up, my boobs touching his dick and Jamie rubs his thumb on my lower lip and I look down to see his cum on his thumb. "Open up."
I open my mouth and suck on his thumb to get the cum off.
"You look so good sucking on anything I swear," Jamie moans.
"I'd probably look better on my knees with your dick down my throat," I purr. "but that's just my opinion."
"You so would," he replies, moving his hands around to grope on my ass. He licks my bottom lip and presses his lips to mine. They move in sync as the warm water showers against our hot skin. He moves his hand up to cup my jaw and bites my lip slightly. I let out a moan as his other hand digs into the skin on my bum.
I never thought things would ever end up like this. I thought he'd be a normal everyday client with a problem that needs to be fixed. Oh, boy was I wrong. I got a sex addict instead. An innocent looking and charming sex addict. Only God knows how crazy I would be to not have sex with him. Everything about Jamie draws me closer to him. He's addicting. We're all addicted to the things that make us feel good. Jamie just happens to be my drug. I'm hooked on the wound that doesn't heal; how I feel after sex with him.
"You're an idiot, you know that?" I giggle, holding his bare body close to mine.
"How so?" he asks me.
"You knew we were going to have sex again-"
"You told me it'd just be a one-time thing, by the way," he interrupts me. "look at you now."
"-yet you forgot a condom," I tease him. "and shut up it's not my fault you're so charming and attractive."
"You could tell me to stop every once in a while," Jamie says.
I open my mouth to say something back but then I realize how he's testing me.
"Exactly."
"You're so goddam cocky," I tell him.
"I just know you a lot better than you think," he says simply. "and I know how hard it is for you to control yourself anymore like you planned initially." He always has to be right, doesn't he?
"It was hard ever since the start," I admit.
He smirks. "You know what else was?"
"It just was."
"Thanks to you," Jamie snickers.
"It's not my fault your dick likes me this much," I joke.
"It's also not my fault that you like my dick so much," he teases me.
"Your dick, your fault," I laugh.
"Your liking, your fault," Jamie presses a kiss to my forehead. He leans down to turn the shower off and the water stops hitting our bodies. He slowly opens the shower curtain, his eyes not leaving mine. I raise my eyebrows at him. He grabs a towel and wraps it around his waist. He steps out of the shower, leaving me in there, cold and naked. I stare at his back and he pulls his hair out of his face and walks out of the bathroom.
The next thing I know, he's walking back in with another towel. Jamie hands it to me and I wrap it around my body.
I stand in the tub for a little while longer and the thoughts of regret and fear wash over me. What if he never gets fixed? I know he's getting better but I have my doubts with everyone. On the surface, I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing by having sex with my client but deep down I know the decisions I'm making and I know they're right. He and I just weren't supposed to meet like this. No 'couple' is supposed to start illegally. That's not how it should work. It should have started with me as one of his girlfriends. Except I wouldn't be leaving him like the rest. Maybe I don't know that much about myself. I'm a lot different than I originally thought myself out to be. I thought I'd want someone who would want to go on romantic dates. When I was little I set my standards to handsome, caring, charming rich men who could take me anywhere I ever dreamt of going. Instead, I chose a troubled twenty five year old that sits across from me in an office that has minimal space and tells me more and more about his life problems.
My heart is a mess. I don't think I've ever let myself be this spontaneous. I've never taken risks like this before. I've never fallen in love with a client. I never thought I'd tweak the rules for anyone. But for all the nevers in life, someone is there to make them an always.
"Babe," Jamie whispers, stopping at the doorway. I look up at him and smile weakly. "what's wrong?"
"Nothing," I say quickly. "everything's fine." I can't believe I just lied to him about my feelings.
He sighs. "C'mon, let's get you into some clothes then we'll talk about it, okay?"
"I'm fine, don't worry about me," I'm clearly not okay.
"Cecilia," he gives me a stern look. "don't lie to me about your feelings." He steps over to me and kneels down to hold me in his arms. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and he carries me bridal style to my room. "Alright. Let's get you dressed in something comfy."
I let out a deep breath that I had no idea I was holding in. He grabs pajama pants and cotton underwear and sets those on the bed next to me. He then proceeds to get one of his sweatshirts and a sports bra.
"I have no effort to put anything on," I lay my head on the bed.
"You need to put something on," he tells me. "You'll be freezing with just a towel."
"Fine," I whine and grab the underwear and pull it up to my legs. I then put the pajama pants on and let the towel fall on the covers. I pull the bra over my head and bring it over my boobs. Finally, I put his sweatshirt on and he takes the towel back to the bathroom and hangs it back up.
I stay laying on the bed and staring up at the ceiling, deep in thought.
"What's on your mind?" Jamie startles me.
"Everything."
He sighs and lays himself down next to me. He nuzzles his nose against the top of my head.
"Why's everything on your mind?"
"I don't know," I turn myself away from him. "I'm scared."
Jamie takes a deep breath and I quickly wipe a single tear off of my cheek. It's crazy how I can go from horny to depressed just like that.
"I don't want you to bottle all of this up," he tells me. "I think it'd be best if you opened up to me like I do for you."
"I feel like if I did, I'd end up hurting you," I admit.
"You can't hurt me unless it was something like what happened weeks ago," he mutters.
"I have doubts," I reply quickly. "...about us."
"How so?"
"What if I'm making all of the wrong decisions?"
Jamie pauses to think. "Cecilia."
"Hm?"
"Everything you're doing is right," he tells me.
"Are you sure?"
"Never been surer."
"I don't know I just feel like I'm not helping you," I say.
"When we just had sex," he begins. "I didn't necessarily need it at all. The only thing I need is you."
I stay quiet, not having anything to say.
"You're helping me," Jamie whispers. "you can say something provocative and I won't get my cravings. Okay, sometimes I will but not as much as I used to."
"I don't know why I have so much anxiety over this now," I say. "you would've assumed that I'd have been like this on day one."
"I don't want you to be afraid," he tells me. "everything will be okay, I promise."
"A-Are you sure?"
Jamie nods and pulls my body close to his.
My back rubs against his chest and he runs patterns on my shoulder. I see my phone light up beside me and see a message from Skye.
"Skye Toews?" Jamie mutters.
"Yeah," I reply.
"How do you know her?"
"She's one of my clients," I tell him.
"Her boyfriend's a total dick," Jamie says.
"Not really, honestly."
"Why not?"
"He's troubled," I say. "he's not mentally in order. He's in jail now. But I expect him to be moved into a mental institution."
"Why?"
"He'll go crazy behind bars," I reply. "just like how you go crazy if you can't have sex with something."
"I don't go crazy," Jamie mutters. "it's called being horny."
"Horny, crazy, same thing," I shrug.
"Those two words sum up me as a person."
I pout. "Babe, you're not crazy. You're just horny all the time."
"I haven't watched porn in ages, did you know that?"
"Oh my god."
"By the way," Jamie starts. "I've never really had a chance to look through your underwear until now."
"Jamie Randolph Benn."
"You know what I found?" he moves his hand to grab my boob.
"Don't you dare-"
"I found a crimson lace thong," he squeezes my boob.
"Shut up, Jamie," I blush.
"You learn something new every day I guess," he smirks.
"Yes, I've learned that your hormones never calm down after you have sex," I tease.
"I think you're the only one that's been able to keep me asking for more," he gropes my boob. "see how much stress sex is able to relieve?"
"I think just by you groping me I'm calming down."
"Just imagine how calm you'd be after a second round," he whispers in my ear. "imagine all of the things I'd do to you."
I move myself to look into his eyes. I lick my lips and pull him closer to me.
"Cecilia," he says quietly.
"Hmm?"
"Do you remember when Patrick told you about how much I love your eyes?"
I smile and look down, nodding. "Yes, why?"
"To this day, I still get lost in them, it's amazing how beautiful they are," Jamie tells me, the sides of his lips curving into a small grin. Horny to sad to horny to romantic. "I think I always will."
"Stop making me fall in love with you," I whisper, gazing into his bright eyes.
"I feel like you've been in love with me," he rubs my cheek with his thumb.
"Why are you always right when you're cocky?"
"Because I'm only cocky with you," he mutters.
I smile, staring at him and he brushes my hair out of my face.
-
My eyes adjust to the darkness of the city. Of course, I'm out again. At one am. This only happens when something is troubling me deeply. It's always sexually, too. The last time it was the fear of never having sex with Jamie ever again. This time, it's the fear of what the sex can do to me. What if it's changing me? What if Jamie isn't what I'm solely addicted to? What if sex is my addiction? The coolness of Detroit at night gives me goosebumps and I pull my jacket over my chest. I hear yelling in the distance and as I slowly walk closer to hear a young woman yelling at someone to get into wherever they are. I glance up at the sign to see 'Rehab Detox Treatment Center'. Suddenly, I come to the light to see Daniella with her dad. He's refusing to go into the rehab center, insisting that he doesn't have a problem. I walk over to them.
"Mr. Reeves," I blink. "the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I don't think you want to feel this way."
"Of course I do," he screams. "everyone wants to feel good. Like they're on cloud nine. Carefree, nothing to worry about. Everybody wants to feel so fucking high that they can't find their way down."
"Which is why you have to go in," I tell him. "your life is so fake. You're not letting yourself feel truly good. You need help with getting back down because someday, the drugs won't work and you'll fall fast and something inside of you dies until it kills all of you."
"D-Death?" David starts falling into Daniella's arms and she struggles to hold him up and I run inside of the rehab center and yell for a doctor and a stretcher. "I can't die!" His screams can wake up the entire city.
Doctors run out and lift him onto a stretcher and strap him down. I watch them roll him into the place and Daniella follows closely behind and I stay outside watching them until I can't see them anymore.
I turn on my heel and walk down the sidewalk past a ton of medical buildings until I find myself stepping inside a twenty-four hour Starbucks and ordering a venti caramel macchiato. I take a seat in a chair by a fireplace and take in the heat it gives off. The fact that I'm completely disobeying Jamie's request to not leave without him crosses my mind and when they call my name with my macchiato in hand, I brush the thought from my mind. I know it's wrong but this is something I've always done when I have a lot on my mind.
My phone buzzes and I stare down at it to see a text from Jamie.
Jamie: 'where the fuck are you'
Me: 'Starbucks'
Jamie: 'you didn't think to wake me up why?'
Me: 'I don't want to bother you with my problems. I just needed to be alone.'
Jamie: 'babe, I'm coming to get you, okay'
I sigh.
Me: 'fine.'
Jamie: 'you're by the detox center right?'
Me: 'yeah.'
I look around the place, taking a sip of my coffee, and see a worker cleaning off tables and chairs. Another is taking orders in the drive-thru. One worker is just now grabbing their keys from their back pocket and exiting the coffee shop. The one washing the tables walks over to me and I glance up in confusion.
"It's been a while since you've come here," she says.
"What do you mean?" I question.
"Didn't you used to come here a lot late at night?"
"Yeah, I did," I reply.
"Why's it always late at night?"
"That's usually when my thoughts start to bother me," I tell her. "I can't think straight at home so I have to come here."
"Ah, I know how that feels," she tells me.
"I haven't been able to be around since I got shot on the way here a while back."
"Oh my god are you okay?"
I nod and see Jamie's car pull up to the curb.
"Fuck."
"What's wrong?"
"My bodyguard of a friend is here," I sigh. "he's so overprotective."
"At least he cares," she says. "he wouldn't be awake at two am to come pick you up if he didn't care." I shrug and watch him get out of the car and lock the doors behind him. He opens the door to the coffee shop and looks straight at me. "You can just feel the sexual tension, are you sure you two are 'friends'?"
"At this point, I'm only two percent sure," I say to her quietly as Jamie gets closer to the table.
The girl smirks and walks away. He takes a seat across from me.
"Jamie," I let out a shaky breath.
"Cecilia, what are you doing here at two am?" he asks me calmly.
"I can't believe you haven't caught me all of the other times," I stare down at my fingers.
"That doesn't matter right now," he says. "what matters is why you don't want me to know why. I know you don't want to be alone. I know you want me to help you feel better. But I can't do that unless you tell me what's bothering you." I look into Jamie's eyes and blink away the tears forming in mine. "it's time for me to be the therapist. You can't help yourself if you're so focused on helping everyone else. I don't want you to be sick like them or me. I want you to be happy and healthy."
"Okay, do you really want to know why I came here?"
Jamie nods.
"I came here because my mind was a mess," I tell him. "every single time I've come here in the middle of the night, it's always been for sexual reasons too."
"Do you not want to have sex with me anymore?" he gives me a worried look.
"I'm constantly worried about us stopping the sex," I tell him. "you're just so damn good and I can't get enough of it. I'm crazy for what you give me."
CONGRATULATIONS PENS ON WINNING THE CUP! IT IS WELL DESERVED. LORD STANLEY FOUND A GREAT HOME UNTIL THE 2017 STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS.