*A/N: Slight trigger warning in the chapter! Only brief and not graphic or anything but just putting it out there. Enjoy reading! And thank you for your support. :)*
I don't know why I'm awake. Since midnight, I've been trying to get to sleep. I think I may have even managed for a minute or two, but for some reason my head is completely alive with thoughts and words that I wish I never had to know the meaning of. Or one word, I guess. Love.
Because love is the way he smiles at me when I walk into the kitchen at one in the afternoon because I slept in late, and the way my head feels like it might explode when I'm around him because it's as if he's finally allowing me to feel everything I forbid myself from feeling before. It's the way his arms wrapped around me this evening after dinner and told me he cared. It was nothing more than that. Just a hug. But I felt safe. Love is safety. It's not giving two shits if you sound cheesy, and being willing to hold his hand in public (and I may not have done that yet, but love can be gradual sometimes). For fuck sake, this is love and it's tearing me apart that I can't just spit out that I love him, but what if he doesn't love me and love ends up tearing us both apart. I'd much prefer for it to tear me apart, instead of the both of us.
Love, love, love, love, love. I want to get it out of my head so that I can get to sleep for one goddamn second but I feel like I won't be able to rest knowing he's not in this same room with me.
Giving up on the idea of sleep, I get up and walk into the hallway. I must be at least a little tired, as I immediately end up knocking over a vase I'd never realised was there. Well, shit. Let's just hope Blair's a heavy sleeper (but I know he's not, so let's just hope he slept through that).
And as luck would have it, only a moment later, Blair wonders into the hallway, looking as if he's just been awoken by a vase smashing which, believe it or not, he has. He doesn't look angry, although I'm guessing that's because he isn't really comprehending the whole thing in his half-asleep state. He just looks bewildered.
"Uhm, was just… walking… couldn't sleep." It sounds more like a question, as I scratch the back of my neck sheepishly, attempting a smile.
"What's going on?"
Maybe I should just keep quiet in the future, so that my tone doesn't give away the fact that I broke a vase (although hopefully, this won't happen again, but who knows). "Nothing, just walking, like I said. Actually, could I come to your room? I can't sleep and-" I cut myself off, not really sure what I'm supposed to continue with.
"Want me to help you rest, huh?" I can only just make out his lips forming a smile in the shadows of the hallway. Or maybe it's more of a smirk. Either way, I walk up to him and take his hand, letting him guide me into his room. "We'll be talking about that vase tomorrow." His lips almost brush against my ears as he whispers the words. Well, I was hoping he'd not noticed, but at least he's not mad. Not now, anyway.
He leads me to the bed, laying down before I do. I take off my trousers, leaving myself boxer-clad before I slide under the covers. We're facing each other, and I can't help but watch his deep breaths, wondering whether he's really asleep already. I've never known someone who can fall asleep as soon as their head hit the pillow. Always wished I could, though.
"Blair."
"Stop staring at me."
His eyes open, and even in the darkness, it's as if they have some sort of glimmer to them. I reach out, playing my hand on his cheek, and tracing his smile. Neither of us speak for a moment. The silence is think in the air, and I know even the slightest sound would be heard so easily that I'm afraid to breathe, to ruin the silence.
Blair inhales sharply as my fingertips brush his lips, and I feel the rush of air harshly against the palm of my hand. "Yes?"
"I-" Deep breath. I can't do it. "You make me happy. Thank you." I know the sincerity is leaking from each word and it makes me feel so damn vulnerable but it's what I am. In this moment, I am vulnerable and filled with emotions and fear, the likes of which I'd never known existed in me. Filled with love I am afraid to show in case I wear out his name on my lips. I'm scared.
Falling is difficult. Falling often hurts. This isn't something I've done before. I mean, one night stands don't exactly compare to three weeks living with a guy I still barely know, yet I feel like I've known him my whole life. It doesn't make any sense, but I don't care. I'd be willing to sacrifice everything, no matter how much sense this whole thing makes.
And so we lay there. I don't know how long passes in complete silence, but all I can hear is our deep breathing and all I can feel is the tingle of my fingertips. It's as if they're the only part of me that is really alive, as I brush my fingers along his lips once more.
"I think- I think I need to sleep." He yawns, finally, and I can tell that he's a lot more tired than I'd realised. Immediately, I remove my hand from his cheek, where it had rested, instead intertwining my fingers with his.
"This okay?" I whisper the words, not wanting to startle him awake.
"Perfect." His voice almost can't be heard, but the word makes me smile.
"I love you." I know he doesn't hear me. He's fast asleep. And I love him.
When I wake up, I feel more refreshed than I have in days. My hands is resting on Blair's waist, and he's still deep in sleep, by the looks of it. Trying not to disturb him, I shuffle closer to him, wrapping my arm around his waist as I do so. I'm closer to him than I've ever been, especially considering our semi-nakedness. But gosh, it feels like no matter how close I am, it's not enough. Then again, maybe I should stop being so greedy.
My left hand reaches out to fiddle with his hair as he breathes deeply, looking so content. I like it. I love it, in fact. Just the way he looks when he's sleeping, as if all is right in the world. It makes me think that all is, in fact, right in the world. In reality though, there's a lot of shit going on. But I don't care about that at all. I'm just happy.
And I really need to work on not sounding so sappy, I mean, what if Blair is telepathic or something?! That would be the end of me, I mean, I don't need him knowing that he's the only one who can make my thoughts sound like those of a love-struck teenage girl.
As if he really can hear my thoughts, Blair chuckles a little. To be honest, it kind of creeps me out. I seriously hope he's not telepathic. And if he is, I hope he'd have the decency to actually tell me so that I can block off my thoughts or something.
"Lucas." My name slips out of his mouth as a whisper, startling me so much that I jump backwards. Obviously, being the clumsy fella that I am, I then proceed to fall off the bed, landing on the floor with a thump that ends up waking Blair up. This day is off to a fantastic start.
As I stand up, trying not to make any more noise (not that it would matter, as Blair is yawning himself awake anyway), I remember that I have a job to be at. I don't know what time it is, but considering that the sun is shining like it's nobody's business, I probably don't have that long to be ready.
I try to remember what time it was that I have to be there. What were my hours, what were my hours, come on Lucas, think, hours, hours. Midday! That's it. Midday till six, Monday to Friday. I should probably write that down somewhere.
"Blair, what time is it?" Despite this not being an awkward situation, I feel slightly awkward, standing boxer-clad, with Blair just sort of staring at me. Especially since I have no clue what to do with my hands. I don't know, but hands just seem to have this way of being completely awkward, not knowing where to put themselves in everyday situations.
Saving me from having to keep thinking about where to put my hands, Blair walks towards me (yes, in that slow, totally seductive way that he does), before running the tips of his fingers down my chest. "Why? Got somewhere to be?"
"Blair..." My voice breaks as he continues to run his fingers up and down my chest, whilst bringing his body closer to mine until not a single part of us seems to be separated. Don't get distracted, Lucas. "Time..." Oh, but I'm completely distracted.
Blair sighs a little, stepping away and dropping any seductive acts. "It's eleven. Why? Spending your days with another man?"
Wow. As if I've received a blow to the stomach, I find myself wanting to crouch over to protect myself from being punched again. His words, so goddamn simple, make me feel like I've been physically hurt. I'd never want Blair to think I'd been seeing someone else, for fuck's sake. I feel like I've messed this up all over again. Way to go, Lucas. Way to fucking go.
"Is that what you think, really?" I walk around to the other side of the bed, where Blair had wandered and turned his back from me. Without giving him a chance to protest, I wrap my arms around him, not letting him go despite the slight shake to his shoulders as he tries to get rid of me. Just as he's about to speak, I continue; "Blair, I'd never do that to you. I'd never cheat on you. I- Fuck. You want to know what's going on?" I lean back as he nods. "I got a job."
He looks slightly taken aback. Or very. Yeah, very. "Wait... That's it? A job? Lucas, why-" He shakes his head, slowly, his eyes dropping to the floor. "I just- I'm sorry. But why didn't you tell me? And why do you even think you need a job, I mean, I have more than enough money to look after the both of us with-"
"Yeah, I mean, I figured you're pretty well off, but I need to look after myself, Blair. I'm sticking to this job. And I didn't tell you because I only went for the interview yesterday. Well, the interview and my first day of work. I mean, they sort of just gave me the job right off the bat. I was pretty lucky but- anyway, I was going to tell you today. Well, in a minute actually, but then you freaked out and- I don't know. I'm sorry, I should've told you yesterday evening but I figured it would be a nice surprise and that's it, I guess. I don't know. That's all." My voice seems to deflate a little at the end. I'm not really sure where I was going with this whole thing, but at least he knows now, I suppose.
"Lucas, you live with me now. I have enough money for anything you want. Sit for a second." I sit on the bed alongside Blair. He takes my hands in his, before proceeding. "I don't know the whole story, I don't know much about it really, but what I do know is that my grandfather was very rich. Beyond rich, really. I never heard much about him or what he did at all, but somehow, his job got him a lot of money. He had billions, more than he could handle. Before I was born, he killed himself. Left a note saying he couldn't handle it anymore. He was known all around the world, or... something. I'm not sure, it's confusing. But he couldn't take it and then, well, he was just gone. I don't like to think about it or talk about it, no one in my family told me much about it. That's all I know.
"But anyway, he left all of his money to me. My mum was pregnant with me when he... went, and he decided to leave all his money to the grandson he would never meet. I have fucking billions, and I have no damn clue what to do with any of it. If anything, I'd want to spend it on you. I know that much. I mean, at first I gave a lot to charity. About half of it actually. I split it up between many different charities, because I didn't want that much money. I was given this house and the money as soon as I turned eighteen. This place has no mortgage 'cause it was paid off long before I was born. Honestly, the only thing I have to spend the money on is food and bills. I just- I don't see why you'd want to work when I can get you anything you want."
I can't listen to it anymore. I think he's done anyway. But if anything, it kind of pisses me off. "You don't understand it, I get it, but working gives me a sense of achievement. I've grown up my whole life having to work fucking hard for whatever I want, and I always wasted the opportunities I was given. I was brought up to know that if you want something, you work for it. I never wanted a thing. I just wanted the world to leave me alone. And only recently have I realised that the only way for that to happen, is for me to move out of my family's house, and sure, maybe I was forced out, but it forced me to pull my shit together.
"I love living with you, yes, but I can't just do that. I have to work for things if I want things and I don't want you to hand me the rest of my life on a silver platter. Maybe you can't understand that, but I've only recently realised that working hard will get you places, and I don't want to turn in to some spoiled brat who never has to work for anything. If you'll excuse me, I have a job to be at."
I make my way back to my room, chucking on the first clothes I find before making my way downstairs. Blair isn't at the door today. I don't know whether I'm grateful or not.
As I'm walking, everything starts to hit me. Not literally. But I realise that what I said was pretty harsh. A simple, 'I just really want to work.' would have sufficed. I guess I'm just really good at fucking things up with my words. Great. Another argument I'm gonna have to prepare myself for, I guess.
One thing I hadn't noticed whilst we were speaking though, is the way that he never really mentioned his parents. I remember when he told me about the plane crash, but other than that, he hasn't told me a thing about them. I don't know what they were like. I get it. It's hard to talk about these things, but it would be nice to have a little bit of insight sometimes.
It kind of reminds me of the day I'd found the picture in his bedroom. He'd not really spoken to me for a while after that. I guess that's two of us who don't like talking about family. Still though, it would be nice to know something about him other than the fact that he's rich, doesn't have a job, and likes to cook. Maybe I'm over-thinking it. Yeah. That's probably it.
Pushing the thoughts from my mind, I realise I'm already at the store. They say time flies when you're having fun, but all that thinking has just given me a headache. And by the looks of it, today isn't going to be the calmest of days. Well, this is fucking fantastic.