Chapter 46 - Alyssa.
It's half six in the morning. I keep watching my house - my parents' house - from Jack's window, but nothing seems out of the ordinary. I watch my dad go to work, and I feel so lonely, because I want him to love me, because I am his daughter. But he doesn't even look sad, or like he misses me.
I can only think about Jack and how he felt when his mother died; how he couldn't even check if she was okay like I can with my parents (but she obviously wasn't okay, she was dead).
What I mean is, he didn't know where she was and he didn't even get a reaction about it from her because she was just gone, and it must be such an awful thing for someone so close to you to die; here one day as perfect as anything, and then gone the next.
Jack is asleep still, as I watch my dad's car drive away. I think everyone is asleep in this house, but Michael has gone to work. He hasn't really spoken to me an awful lot, but nothing can be worse than how my parents reacted. And he is still kind to me.
I sigh and go into the bathroom, and look at myself in the mirror; white-faced, confused and small . . . And I'm going to be a mother.
I slowly start brushing my teeth, staring at myself in the mirror and seeing myself like I've never seen before.
Suddenly the door opens and I stare at Dan with foam all around my mouth, and then slowly spit toothpaste into the sink and rinse my toothbrush.
He looks tired, staring at me, and he slowly raises his eyebrows. "Sorry. I just wanted to pee."
"I'm just- going . . . " I trail off when I see him staring down at my stomach, and then I find myself placing my hand over it.
"Sorry," he says again, finally looking up at me. "It's just- crazy, that there's a person in there." He looks sort of overwhelmed for a few seconds, and then a grin blossoms onto his face and I smile slightly, slowly sliding past him, and he watches me go, still looking so so amazed.
In Jack's room, I crawl into the warm bed beside him and I don't care about my parents right now anymore because I have Jack, and Dan, and Stella, Jess and Michael, and Katy and Niall, too.
And as Jack lies there sleeping heavily with his mouth closed and his arm stretched out towards my side of the bed and his black hair all tousled, I kiss his cheek and tell him how very much I love him before I fall back to sleep too.
"I have work today," Jack whispers when I wake up again and he isn't beside me. It's still early because I can't hear the others walking around, and Jack is walking around the room in his jeans, with wet hair from the shower and his belt half on. He grabs a shirt and then pulls it over his head quickly.
"Okay." My voice is hoarse. I sit up and then stand up, going over to place my hands on his shoulders, and kiss him quickly.
"I don't have to go yet." He smiles and slowly runs his hands under the back of my shirt, and then under the front, over my tummy. Jack glances up at me, before kneeling down and gently kissing over it.
"I love you," I whisper as he stands back up again, and kisses me deeply. I feel myself getting lost all of a sudden, moving my lips against his slowly, erotically, until he starts to kiss down my neck, pushing me gently back towards the bed, sitting me down, laying me down.
"I love you," he whispers back after a while, running his hands down my entire body and kissing me, everywhere, and I love him so much.
Soon after I go downstairs with him while he gets a piece of toast for breakfast, and the whole house is sleepy and silent.
"What will we do, when I have this baby, Jack?" I whisper to him after a few seconds. "We don't have any money. We can't . . . I can't . . . Stay here forever. And you're meant to be going to university."
He leans over and takes my face in his hands, his deep green eyes staring into mine with intensity. "We will cross that bridge when we come to it. That's what my mum used to tell me." He pauses, then whispers, "It'll work out. I have a bit of money from working at the car shop. If I get accepted into university, then we can maybe rent a flat near the university, or you can stay here, or I don't even have to go yet . . . But I'm gonna be with you the whole time, so we'll be just fine. My dad will help us, too."
I watch him with my heart swelling in my chest, and he squeezes my hand as I whisper, "I'm kind of scared."
"Me too." He grins timidly and then kisses my hand, then my cheek. "But I'm excited, too." He looks over at the clock, then gently strokes my hair and pulls back. "I have to go now. I'll see you this afternoon."
He stands up and I nod, wrapping my fingers around the mug of hot chocolate that he made me. When he leans down to kiss my forehead I wrap my arms sound his neck and kiss his jaw, closing my eyes when he presses his lips against mine.
When he's gone, I find myself feeling exhausted and going back upstairs to sleep.
I wake up after a few hours, I presume. I get dressed and then go downstairs, meeting Stella and Jess and Ella down there. We all watch TV for a while. Dan is at his friend's house.
Ella suddenly speaks. "Do you feel any different now that you're . . . ?"
I sigh and try to smile. "I don't know. A bit, when I think about it. It's more mentally. I think in a few weeks I'll start feeling physically different."
Because the baby inside me will grow. It feels strange to think like this.
"Can I be the first to hold the baby?" Jess whispers, all wide-eyed. "I mean. After you, and Jack, and whatever doctors and nurses there are."
"Of course." I laugh and then stroke her wild hair back. "I'll remember that."
"I'll be eight by then!" She exclaims, grinning. "It'll be born in nine months, right?"
"Give or take," Stella says from my other side, smiling slightly. "Gosh, it's going to be weird! I'll be an auntie. Oh my God, dad'll be a grandad!"
And Jess doesn't stop laughing at that, rolling around the sofa and clutching her stomach, her eyes closed and her face all lit up. And it makes the rest of us laugh along with her too.
After a while, Ella looks at me and asks, "What do YOU think the baby will be? A girl or a boy? I mean, you're the one that is attached to it after all."
"Yeah!" Stella agrees. "You have a . . . a special connection. But I think it'll be a girl, no matter what Dan says."
I smile, and suddenly feel very warm inside, and I instinctively touch my stomach, looking around at the three girls. "I honestly have no idea. And I don't mind, as long as everything is going to be okay."
"My dad thought I was gonna be a boy," Ella suddenly announces, rolling her eyes. "Before I was born he bought a load of blue clothes, and for a while I was going around in Thomas the Tank Engine pyjamas and stuff. I think he was disappointed at first, but he got over it."
We all laugh at that, before turning back to the TV and watching the rest of the program, and we spend the whole day in front of it. Dan comes in at some point, but then disappears upstairs.
It's only until we hear the front door open and then Michael walks into the kitchen that we realise we've been here for hours. I look over at the clock to see it is six now, and Jack said he would be back this afternoon. Michael comes and starts to make plans for what we all want for dinner, and starts to make fish. I make salad, happy to have something to do.
I set the table in the kitchen and place the bowl of salad in the middle, then suddenly feel a hand on my shoulder.
Michael is looking at me with his eyes strangely darker than usual when I turn around. "I've been thinking, Alyssa. I think I should talk to your parents, try and persuade them. You are very welcome here, love, but I don't want you to be detached from your own family. I think they were just shocked, and maybe I can talk some sense into them . . . "
I bite my lip anxiously, not be able to help it. "I don't know about that. I knew that they would be angry - particularly my dad. He's very stubborn and strict. I- I don't know, you could try. But . . . They are really disappointed and ashamed."
Mr Hart only frowns. "Alyssa, you're their daughter. They love you, they care about you. I think their reaction was just so big and angry, and they really don't want to see you gone. No matter if you're pregnant."
I gulp. "Are you angry, Michael?"
His face hardens all of a sudden, his mouth becoming a firm line. "No. Worse things could have happened. I am more worried than anything."
I am about to reply, because I know it's not the end, when the doorbell rings and he holds up a hand, nodding. I step back and he walks towards the door, going out into the hall.
I hear the door open and hear men's voices, but I can't hear what they're saying. For some reason a chill runs down my spine but I ignore the sensation and sit down at the table, straightening out the knifes and forks on the table.
I glance out at the setting sun and think of Jack again, wishing that he'd get home soon. I think of how it will be in the future when we have a son or a daughter and I'm so overwhelmed by the thought that I don't move at first when I hear shouts from the hallway.
Eventually I snap out of my day dream, and now wailing is making its way through the door and kitchen walls. I frown and quickly get up, running out to the hall in a panic.
The first thing I see is the heavy, striking presence of a police officer standing in the hallway near the door. His face is sour and drawn, frowning down at Mr Hart who is sitting on the stairs with his head in his hands. And his shoulders are shaking.
"What's going on?" I call out quickly. Mr Hart is crying. I go over to him hurriedly, wanting to make it stop, wishing Jack was here because this is his dad and he knows what to do. I place my hand on his shoulder before looking up at the miserable police officer.
"I'm sorry," is all he saying, looking so grave, and then Dan is coming down the stairs with Stella right behind him, both of them running frantically.
"We heard shouting," Stella announces.
Dan takes in the sight of his dad and quickly crouches down opposite him. "Dad? DAD! What's goin' on?"
I turn to look at the policeman, and I grip Michael's shoulder hard as he wails, and I can't see his face.
"Is Jack Hart your brother?" The man finally asks Dan.
"Yes," Dan says hurriedly.
"He's mine, too!" Stella shouts. "Oh God, did he get in trouble? Have you arrested him?"
White hot terror rushes through me and I think about the baby, and how wonderful Jack is and he would never hurt anyone, and I'm stood here gasping because Jack would never commit any crime and I am terrified and scared and angry.
"N-no."
The officer stammers- literally stammers, as he looks at Stella and Dan with what looks like pain. "Kids, I'm very sorry. I'm sorry, but your brother's been in a car accident on the way home. His car was on Darby Road, and . . . and a lorry crashed into his car. He was . . . killed instantly."
But-
He can't-
He's not-
Everything is very slow all of a sudden and I can't breathe; I don't want to anymore, I don't think.
So everything quickly turns black at the edges, and the officer is suddenly looking very panicked and I can hear someone screaming that sounds an awful lot like me, until my head hits something hard and the whole world is gone.
-
I wake up with something cold pressed to my head. The rest of my face feels sticky, and after I lift my hand to press my fingers against my cheek I realise it's half-dry, cold sweat.
The ceiling turns around for a bit, which is funny. Then it changes from grey to a very bright white, and I get over the heaviness of my eyelids slowly, then I look around and my eyes fall onto Katy.
"Thank God." The first words out of her mouth. Something comes along and grips my hand; I think it's her hand, dry and cold compared to mine.
Everything is so white in this room, and in the background I hear the flush of a toilet and a door opening and another voice I recognise, this time male.
"You talkin' to yourself, now?"
"No, Niall. She's woken up." Katy looks over towards somewhere at the left of the room, and I follow her gaze to see Niall coming out of a door with the letters WC on.
"I'm in hospital, aren't I?" I mumble quickly. I try to sit up but Katy gently and firmly pushes my shoulder back.
As she leans forwards, the light catches the tear stains on her face. Niall sits down beside her, and he looks very pale, too.
I watch Niall gulp, his Adam's apple bobbing. He asks hoarsely, "Is your baby okay?"
"Dr Lowe said it's fine," Katy whispers.
"Yeah but maybe she'd be able to feel something that he doesn't know," Niall mumbles, shrugging and then scratching his head.
"Alyssa. What do you remember?" Katy asks frantically.
As I start to speak I hear a door open, and voices from outside that don't make any sense. "I- I was making salad, with Michael," I begin shakily. "Then the police came. Michael was crying, and Stella and Dan came down, and Jack . . ."
Pain eats away at my insides, and I can't breathe again. I can't breathe for the pain. It causes tears to well up in my eyes because I ache so much inside, and it's all I can do not to scream out loud.
A balding man with glasses and a white coat appears behind Niall, permanent creases on his brow.
"Hello, Alyssa." He peers down at me, looking very worried, so much it worries me. He must have been the one who opened the door.
I look at Katy and Niall to see that they are staring at me with worry etched all over their faces, like the old guy.
"I'm Dr Lowe. How are you feeling?"
I pause for some time, and think about everything that's happened, and my baby, and I feel so lost and everything feels so distorted and so temporary, and I expect Jack to walk in here and tell me how much he loves me, but then I start to cry when I realise that will never ever happen again and I will never ever see him again, if what the policeman said was right.
"I feel awful," I let Dr Lowe know finally, sobbing, as Katy squeezes my hand and then Niall grabs my other one, and the clamminess of his hand somehow comforts me because it lets me know he is alive and I can feel it and I am alive, too.
"You've had a blackout." Mr Lowe tells me seriously. "You've been out cold for eighteen hours."
And he asks me if I have any aches anywhere, and says that Katy and Niall told him about my head injury two years ago when that car ran into me; apparently that was important to know given my current state.
He leaves us alone after that. Katy tells me that Stella and Jess and Dan are out in the canteen and they were all here before I got up. It's twelve noon. Michael is at home, and Ella is coming to the hospital later; her mum came to pick her up after that police man came, and I am so stunned that all these people still care about me so much like this.
But I have to ask something. "Have . . . Have my parents been? Have you heard from them?"
I know the answer from the sad look on Katy's face. I sit up slowly, and Niall grabs my arms to help me.
"It's okay," I whisper, though I feel so, so weak and disappointed, and as I look at my two friends I am suddenly so jealous of them, because they only have to worry about me; they don't have to be me.
They have eachother, and I no longer have Jack, and their parents don't hate them, and they aren't going to be parents any time soon with no idea what to do next.
We are silent for about ten minutes, and I try my best to ignore Katy and Niall's glances and worrying once-overs, until the door at the other side of the room opens and Dan walks in.
I wait for someone else to come after him, maybe one or both of his sisters, but he's alone.
There are dark shadows under his eyes that I can see as he comes closer. He's carrying a sandwich and bottle of water, and when he sees me sitting up here he sort of jumps and then sighs, before rushing over and hugging me tightly, his jacket slightly cold against my face.
He pulls back and says nothing. Niall lets him have his chair, and after he sits down, Dan balances the sandwich and bottle on his knee, watching me.
"Hungry?" He asks finally, after a while.
I shake my head once, but he hands me the water and I drink it because I probably haven't had food in my system for a day and I have a real, growing person inside of me that needs food more than I do at the moment.
"Dan," I start off. Then I don't know what to say after. So I sit back and try again. "Dan-"
"Is the baby alright?" He whispers. His hands are shaking. His jaw is tightly clenched.
"Yes." I gulp, tears in my eyes. "Dan-"
"Sssh." He reaches out and grabs my hand, and his fingers curl around mine, and they are cold and thin but all I need to be silent again, and I hold on tighter than I should, but I think it's okay with him.
Then the door slowly opens - very slowly - and the two girls walk in, both with tears running down their faces and I can't help but think about the unfairness of it all; their mother gone, now their brother, too. And I realise how brave they are - Dan too - and I hold out my free hand as Jess reaches me, looking unlike I've ever seen her.
I've never seen her cry before. I think back to the other day when Jack and I read the story of Goldilocks to her at bedtime, then yesterday how she asked me to be the first one to hold the baby, after me and Jack, but now it will just be after me.
So I start to cry again too, and Jess holds tightly onto my hand before I gesture for her to climb up onto the bed beside me and she cuddles close to me, though obviously trying hard not to hurt me. Stella walks over to us and sits beside Dan, and he puts his arms around her as I hold Jess close.
There isn't really anything to say, because we can all feel it, we don't need to speak about it too.
-
I fall sleep some time after, and then after a while I am woken by Katy beside me, and Dan and Stella and Jess and Niall aren't there anymore. The sky is dark outside.
"Go home," I tell her. "Thank you . . . For everything. But you need to rest."
Her eyes have light purple shadows underneath, and the blueness of them isn't bright like it normally is. Her bottom lip trembles, and then she nods slowly. "Okay. But . . . There is a policeman who wants to talk to you."
It's at that moment, when I haven't even had time to react or register her words, that the door opens and a tall man walks in. He looks about twenty eight at the most, with closely-cropped blond hair and a strong jaw.
"I wish people would knock," I huff, then try to sit up.
All of a sudden a plump nurse appears with a sour expression, and she glances at the policeman as she props up my pillows. "So do I," she mutters, then bustles out of the room.
The police officer comes forward and takes off his hat, just as Katy stands up. "I will come back tomorrow, honey." She leans down and kisses my forehead, wrapping her arms around me. I hug her back as best as I can, my heart full of affection and sadness as she grabs her bag and jacket, then leaves.
"I'm Officer Taylor." The man sits down in the chair that Dan sat in hours ago. I realise that he looks much nicer than the policeman that came to the house, and he looks sad instead of sympathetic.
"Hi."
"I was one of the officers who came to the scene of the accident," he starts off. I realise that although his voice is deep and almost gruff, his face is young, without a crease.
I gulp and close my eyes. When I open them again, he's still here. "Was it bad?"
He doesn't pause or stutter or look hesitant, and I like that. "It was quick. I don't think it would have hurt much. But the car was in a state." He pauses, then. "The main reason I came was because when we went to the scene, we found this." He holds up a small blue box, and I realise that he's holding it out for me.
I slowly take it, my fingers very pale against the dark velvet, and then open the stiff lid to reveal a small diamond ring, sparking as it catches the light.
"Where?"
"His . . . pocket." I look back at the man to meet his piercing blue eyes. "Mr Hart told us that you were Jack's girl. And you're gon' have a baby?"
I just nod.
"He was on the road back from the town centre. Maybe he'd just bought that ring," he mutters, then leans back, resting his elbow on his knee and watching me sadly.
I feel drowned in sadness, and emotion, and grief, and I want so much to die because maybe then I'd leave all of this behind and find my Jack.
What was this ring for? What was he going to do? Ask me to marry him? No words can describe how I feel, how bad, how much longing I feel. And my eyes brim over because there is too much inside me to hold in.
This is the last thing I've got from him, something that his hands held when they were still warm and still alive and it is awful how Jack was alive one minute, and now he's gone the next and I HATE HATE HATE IT SO MUCH.
"I'm so sorry," Officer Taylor finally says, almost whispering. "Good luck with your child. I hope the future holds better things for you."
"I'd like to be left alone now, please,"
I say, my voice sounding thick through my tears.
That's when he hesitates. He takes in a deep breath as I wipe my eyes, then says slightly stronger, "The lad who called 999 when he witnessed the accident stayed there the whole time. He was very . . . Distraught. And I thought that maybe he was a friend of Jack's, but then he told me that it was you he knew."
"Who is it?" I ask sharply. I blink away more tears, but the Officer just watches me for a few seconds.
I think of every boy I know who lives around here, and who knows I am connected with Jack. I think of Jack's old friend Ash and then Niall and that's it and it can't be any of them, but I don't know why he would be telling me this anyway. There must be some mistake.
"He wants to talk to you, just for a second," he whispers, then stands up and nods. "He is very worried about you. Is that okay?"
I don't understand, but I nod. I hope some random guy who thinks he knows me when he actually doesn't does not come in here.
After this I really want to he left alone. But I don't have the energy right now to argue.
So I can only watch as Officer Taylor stands and walks to the door, and opens it, and I almost faint when I hear him say, "You can come in now, Will."