They say that once you find your true love you will know. You will have a feeling in the pit of your stomach that just somehow tells you that that one person is your love. Your life. Your forever.
When you find that person you dedicate your entire being to them. You never let them go. Your entire life revolves around them. You give them your heart. Your body. Your soul. All of you. You believe that this is enough to make them stay.
But sometimes you think you find that one true love, but you didn't. They pretend to love you. They treat you like you're their world, but you're not. You're just a toy that they played with and eventually got bored of. Then, once they are done with you, they walk out of your life like you are nothing. Like them leaving doesn't hurt you at all.
Little do they know that you are falling apart more and more each and every day. When you wake up to an empty bed. When you go throughout your daily routine without them. When you accidentally make food for two instead of one. When you go to bed at night and wish that you are just having one messed up nightmare and you'll wake up to their perfect face right by yours.
But this is reality and they won't come back. They will never love you again. And it breaks your heart more knowing that you will never have them again.
This is the point I'm at. My one true love walked out on me like I was nothing. After three years of being with me, he left me.
This is the story of the day I lost everything. My heart. My life. My love.
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I was sitting outside on a bench in my garden that I planted about a year ago. I was surrounded by bluebells and white roses. This was my favorite part of the garden because it reminded me of the love of my life, Alois Trancy. I'm quite proud of how well the garden turned out considering I can't usually do anything by myself, but I planted all these flowers on my own. No help. Not even from Alois. I planted the garden as an anniversary present for him. He loved it and was as surprised as I was that I planted it on my own.
I looked around the garden, noticing that some of the flowers' petals were turning that sad shade of brown, indicating that they were wilting and dying. I found it kind of interesting that they chose this time to start doing that because Alois and I have been fighting a lot lately. I don't even know why we were fighting so much. At first it wasn't much of a big deal to me but then we started fighting over the stupidest things. Then he started leaving all day and all night.
I got paranoid. I thought he was cheating on me. My parents marriage had fallen apart due to my dad cheating. It hurt my mum so much that she fell into a deep depression and ended up killing herself. Then my dad left me. He moved in with his girlfriend in Manchester. I didn't want this to happen to Alois and I.
So I confronted him about it. That lead to another fight. We yelled and screamed at each other. I was crying my eyes out the entire time. I hated fighting so much. I loved him so doing this broke my heart. It also reminded me of my parents. They would scream at each other every night for two years straight. I was eight when it started. I was ten when my mum killed herself and my father left.
Anyway, back to Alois possibly cheating. We argued back and forth for hours. There were a few times where we would just sit and stare at each other, neither of us knowing what to say next. Then one of us would speak up and the yelling and screaming would come soon after that. Eventually Alois got up, looked me straight in the eye and said "Fuck it" and walked out, leaving me speechless in the middle of the room.
I didn't know what to do or think. Was he leaving me? Was he going to go to his 'non-existent' boyfriend and sleep with him and tell him how he hates me and wants to leave me? What am I going to do? I can't lose Alois. I just can't. I love him so much. I would just fall apart if he left me.
Alois never returned after that fight. It had been a week and two days since the fight occured. I was certain he was leaving me or else he would have came back. So here I sat, staring at the wilting bluebells and white roses, wishing that things were the way they used to be. Where Alois and I were as happy as could be and we were so deeply in love that we thought nothing could ever tear us apart.
I closed my eyes and watched as the memories replayed in my mind. I remember feeling his hands as he held my waist gently as we danced around our garden. I remember staring into his icy blue eyes and getting lost in them. I remember the first time we slept together. He was so gentle with me that night. He knew I was scared but he made me feel so safe and secure and after we were done he held me closely and let me fall asleep in his arms. I remember our first kiss at the school dance in the middle of our song. His lips were so soft against mine and they fit together like a puzzle. It was like magic. That night I believed that Alois and I would stay together forever. But I was so, so wrong.
"Ciel."
I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn't even notice that someone had walked up behind me. I opened my eyes and turned around. Standing behind me was a boy with shiny blonde hair and icy blue eyes.
"H-hi Alois."
I stood up and turned to look at Alois. He didn't go to hug me or kiss me like he usually does. The blonde just stood there, staring at me. I decided to step forward to try to hug him, but Alois stepped back as I stepped forward. My heart sank to my stomach. In that moment I knew that this was the end of us.
"Ciel I-" Alois began to say, but I stopped him.
"Save your breath, Alois. I already know what you are going to say. You are leaving me. I saw this coming. I knew it was going to happen but I still hung on to what tiny thread of hope I had left of us staying together. Even though it was a tiny, tiny piece of thread, I still hung on. But you want to know what I figured out, Alois? I was a fool to fall for you, and anyone else that falls for you is a fool too. Yet at the same time you drive me wild, Alois. Loving you hurts. But it hurts so good. I love you, Alois Trancy. But if you don't love me then I don't want to see you anymore. It pains me to look at you and know that you don't love me." At this point I was crying and shaking.
This hurt so much. But I didn't want to hear him say the words 'I don't want to see you anymore.' That would break me even more. I looked down at the ground and clenched my fists, trying not to scream from all the pain.
"I-I'm sorry, Ciel. I just can't be with you anymore. We had our fun. We loved each other. We both fell hard. But I just can't stay committed to anyone, I never have. I wanted to leave sooner, before I slept with someone else. But seeing you everyday, seeing your beautiful face and your smile and feeling you hold me, I just couldn't leave you. Not at that point. So I did something stupid and I slept with someone else.. I'm so sorry, Ciel. I love you, but I can't be with you. You want a long-term relationship, but I can't provide that. I hope you can find someone else that makes you happy. Goodbye." And with that, the boy I love was gone.
I fell to the ground and curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out. I screamed. I kicked. I cursed that beautiful, blonde boy that made me fall in love with him.
After hours of crying in the garden, I got up, completely emotionless now. I walked into our, I mean my, house and went to our, I mean my, room. I grabbed my phone and headphones then laid on our, I mean my, bed. I plugged my headphones in and turned on my favorite song and turned the volume up to full blast.
Love it's hard, I know
All your lights are red but I'm green to go
Used to see you high, but now you're only low
All your lights are red but I'm green to go
I went to my gallery and deleted all the pictures of Alois and I.
I want you
I'll color me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you
I want you
I'll color me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you
I deleted his contact.
I can't say no
Though the lights are on
There's nobody home
Swore I'd never lose control
Then I fell in love with a heart that beats so slow
I got up and grabbed a picture of him and I.
I want you
I'll color me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you
I want you
I'll color me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you
I threw the picture to the ground and watched it shatter.
I know you're seeing black and white
So I'll paint you a clear blue sky
Without I'm color blind
It's raining every time I open my eyes
I know you're seeing black and white
So I'll paint you a clear blue sky
Without you I'm color blind
It's raining every time I open my eyes
I went out to the garden.
I want you
I'll color me blue
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you
When I'm looking up at you
I picked out every last blue bell.
I want you
I'll color me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you
I want you
I'll color me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you
I put them in a pile and set them on fire.
I want you
I'll color me blue
Anything it takes to make you stay
Only seeing myself
When I'm looking up at you
Alois Trancy is officially out of my life.