t took a long time for Mark to get up the courage to leave the hotel bar and go up to his room. He had been sitting there for what seemed like hours, but was in reality, only thirty minutes. He knew he had to go up to his room and talk to Lexie, to tell her what happened, but he just couldn't.
When he finally did get the courage to do it, he was shaking as he rode the elevator. By the time he put the key in the door to his room, Mark felt sick to his stomach.
Lexie was coming out of the bathroom, and when she saw him she smiled. "Perfect timing. I just finished, but I left plenty of hot water for you." She walked over to the vanity and grabbed her brush, running it through her hair. "I have to go soon; I promised I would be at George's solo surgery tonight."
"Okay," Mark said.
"What did Derek want?" Lexie asked. "Did he warn you away from me again?" Lexie laughed and Mark thought to himself that it sounded like bells ringing.
"Yeah," Mark said. "He did. He made it clear that in no uncertain terms am I to go near you."
Lexie laughed again. "Oh, poor you. Well, he will just have to get used to the idea of us together."
Mark sat down on the bed heavily. "I don't think that is an option anymore."
Lexie stopped brushing her hair. She got very still, and then turned around to face Mark. "What do you mean?" Her voice was trembling.
"I mean Derek was very clear. He doesn't want me near you in any capacity. And if I make that choice, if I continued to pursue you, I would lose his friendship."
"What did you tell him?" Lexie asked quietly.
Mark said nothing.
"Tell me you didn't say that you would give me up! Tell me you didn't promise to stay away from me." Her voice was filled with disbelief and fear.
"I didn't promise anything," Mark said, his head falling into his hands. "I made no promises to anyone."
"Yes, you did," Lexie said. "You made promises to me! To me, Mark!"
He looked up at her, his eyes tortured, "Lex…"
Lexie reeled back. "No, you can't do this Mark. I won't let you." She walked over to the bed, sat next to him, and pulled his mouth to hers. She tried to convince him with her body, that which she could not say with words: that they belonged together.
Clothes quickly went flying, as they attacked each other hungrily. She touched him with measured movements, her hands finding those acutely sensitive spots which she had spent the last month discovering. When she dragged her teeth across his chest, and felt his shudder in response, she said, "You want me. You know that." He wasn't resisting, but his eyes look so sorrowful. But after a while his resolve melted away. He pulled her to him, and met her lips with a pleading kiss. Her eyes met his in drugged passion, and as she straddled him and settled down on his hot length, she whispered, "You can't let this go."
They both quickly found their release, and after, when she had collapse on top of him, his eyes met her own. "Tell me now that you don't want me," she whispered. "I dare you."
"Oh, Lexie," he whispered.
She felt something die inside of her at that moment. She eased off of him, and sat on the edge of the bed facing away from him. Tears were coursing down her face, and she was trying desperately to keep in her sobs. Finally, when she had gained some measure of self-control, she said, still facing away from him, "Why are you doing this?"
"He's my brother," Mark said, his voice filled with regret. "I don't know what to do."
Lexie stood and silently dressed. She wouldn't look at him. When she was fully dressed, Lexie turned to Mark. "I know that this is hard for you. I know what you might have to give up, but Mark, you have to choose. It is not ideal, and God knows that you never should have to do this, but Derek has made that impossible. So you have to choose."
Mark sat up, still naked, on the bed. "Lexie…"
"It's okay, Mark," Lexie said. "Think about it. Sleep on it. Whatever." A single tear snaked down her face. "Just don't tell me tonight. I couldn't bear it."
She grabbed her purse, and walked out the door, leaving Mark to the silence and emptiness of his hotel room.
***
Lexie ended up at Joe's where she stayed until closing. She hardly had anything to drink, though. She nursed the same Midori Sour all night. Mark had tried to call her cell phone after she left, but she turned it off when she saw it was him calling. She couldn't talk to him at the moment. Not right now.
After Joe's closed, she ended up walking for a while, in all directions until she ended up at her apartment around sunrise. When she looked up at the horrible apartment building, she couldn't remember the last time she had been there. She must have picked up clothes there recently, but she couldn't remember it. When she turned her key in the lock, she tried to be quiet in case George was sleeping.
But he wasn't sleeping. The moment she set foot in the door, George said, "Where have you been?"
Lexie jumped, startled to find George in the living area. "Jesus Christ, George. You scared me!"
"Where have you been, Lexie?" George repeated, standing and raising his voice. It annoyed Lexie that George thought he had a right to speak to her like that.
She then closed the door, and said, "I was on call." She couldn't look at him. If she did, she would start to cry and tell him the entire story of what was going on with Mark.
"You're lying," George accused. "I called Christina. You weren't on call. Where were you Lexie?"
"Why does it matter?" Lexie asked, annoyed at his highhandedness. He had no right to act like this.
"Because we are roommates and I am concerned about you. You are never here anymore. You are always gone, ever since a month ago, the night Alex had his solo surgery."
George sounded sincere, but Lexie was too upset to care. This had been an emotional night, and the last thing she needed was George acting like he had a right to get on her case.
"Like you care," Lexie said, laughing bitterly. "I am a big girl, George. I can take care of myself."
"Maybe the better question to ask would be who you have been with," George said, his stutter apparent.
Lexie suddenly had flashing images of her and Mark from earlier in the night when she had begged him not to give them up. It made her angry, so she snapped, "My personal life is none of your business, George."
George looked all tragic and childish when she said that.
"I don't understand what is going on with you. We used to tell each other everything. You cared about what happened in our friendship." His voice was filled with self-righteous indignation. "You weren't even in the gallery at my solo surgery tonight."
Lexie cringed, remembering how she had meant to get to that. "That's right; that was tonight. How did it go?"
"I killed the patient! I killed a man, and when I came home I wanted to talk to my best friend about it!" George yelled.
Lexie felt guilty then, but the idea of him being her best friend was laughable given the amount of time they spent together these days. "I am sorry, George. I am sorry, but I am not your best friend. I never was. You used me as a substitute after your relationship with Izzie Stevens exploded, but I was never your best friend, and you were never mine." Lexie paused and thought of all the late night conversations she had had with Mark, conversations which were probably now lost to her. "I have a best friend; believe me, our relationship is utterly different than yours and mine." Lexie didn't want to hurt George's feelings, but he needed to know the truth.
George shook his head. "I don't even recognize you anymore."
Lexie bit her lip and then said, "That's not my fault."
"I am leaving Seattle," George said. "I am leaving the program. It is obvious I am not cut out for surgery. I have been offered a chance to join a practice in Walla Walla and I am going to take it."
Lexie ignored her guilt, and nodded. "Maybe that's best."
"So that's it?" He said, his voice sounding plaintive.
Lexie wanted to offer him comfort, but she had none to give. "Yeah," She said. "That's it."
She then went into her room, and closed the door. Lying across her bed, she tired to block out all her thoughts. She tried not to think about the fact that she had to be at the hospital in an hour. She tried not to think about George, and how she had just effectively ended their friendship. But mostly, she tried not to think about Mark. She tried not to think about him and about her deepest fear. That, when given the choice, he wouldn't choose her.
***
Mark thought that the next day must surely count as one of the worst of his life. He kept replaying the previous night over and over in his mind. He kept seeing Lexie's tortured expression again and again, and the way she had looked at him with absolute certainty in her eyes when she had kissed him. He knew that Lexie believed in something that simply did not exist inside of him. To her, he was a good man with a checkered past. Mark believed that she simply couldn't see how rotten he was to the very core. It was better this way, she had to see that. These past couple of weeks had been a dream. A beautiful, unyielding, tortuous dream, but like all dreams, it ended.
"There you are."
Mark turned to see Carolyn Shepherd standing there. Her bags were sitting in the waiting area, and she was dressed in casual clothes. She came and joined him as he leaned against the counter.
"You're leaving?" Mark asked, his voice conveying his disappointment. "I thought this might be a longer visit."
Carolyn shook her head. "I finished what I came here to do."
"You inspected Meredith," Mark said, with a nod.
"No," Carolyn said, shaking her head with a smile. "I made sure my boys are doing okay."
Mark smiled, surprised at her answer. "Thanks, Mom," he said.
Carolyn nodded. She then paused, as if in thought, and then said, "Mark, there is a question I want to ask you."
"Shoot."
"Are you involved with Lexie Grey?" Carolyn's kind eyes stared calmly into his own.
Mark debated what to say, but then settled on the truth. "Yes."
Carolyn nodded. "And how long has this been going on?"
"A month," Mark said. Sorrow and regret laced his words. "I tried to stay away from her, I really did. But then in the end it was her who couldn't stay away from me. Me! She wanted me," Mark said, shaking his head as if her still couldn't believe it. "And she didn't see me the way most people do. She saw something more."
Carolyn reached out and squeezed his hand. "Of course she did."
Mark swallowed when he thought of the previous night. "But Derek made his feelings clear. I had thought…I had thought that if Derek knew what was really going on, that this wasn't just a fling, that he would…" Mark trailed off.
"Derek sees what he wants to see, Mark," Carolyn said. "I love my son, but he can be a little pig-headed at times."
"A little?" Mark asked with a grin.
"Okay, a lot pig-headed," Carolyn conceded. "Does he know how you feel about Lexie?"
"No," Mark said. "No one does. Well, except for this annoying intern Sadie."
"Ah, yes, the one with the charming nicknames," Carolyn said with a laugh. She then grew serious. "Why haven't you told him?"
"I was going to," Mark said. "In the beginning, I didn't want him to know that I had let him down. And then, well, I liked having Lexie all to myself. I made a million excuses in my head about reasons why I couldn't tell him, each one more unsubstantial than the last. But the real reason was because of last night. Because I didn't want him to force me to face the truth about myself."
"And what truth is that?" Carolyn asked, her brow furrowing in confusion.
"That I didn't deserve someone like Lexie," Mark said. "That in the end I would only hurt her. That she is better off without me wrecking everything for her."
"Oh, Mark," Carolyn murmured.
"I had to face that truth last night," Mark said.
"Stop talking," Carolyn said. "You need to listen to me, Mark. What I am about to say is incredibly important and you need to not only listen to it, but to hear it as well. Derek is wrong about you. Do you hear me? He is wrong. He is coming from a place of trying to be a protective brother and good boyfriend all at once. He is too close to the situation to understand it fully."
"You mean because of Addison?" Mark asked.
"No, I don't think so," Carolyn said. "I think this is because of Meredith. Derek knows that one day she will want to have a real relationship with her sister, and he doesn't want anything to happen to jeopardize that. Derek is too close to see all the ways that this is different. And it is different, Mark. I could see it almost instantly. She is good for you in a way that you need. She is sweet and kind, and I think you compliment each other well. And you are good for her. She glows when she looks at you. But more important than anything else, Mark, is this: have you ever felt this way before?"
"No," Mark said, his voice raspy with emotion.
"Then that is all that matters. However you feel, whatever you feel, is it worth giving up because Derek has a sense of misplaced over-protective instincts?"
Mark looked at Carolyn. "I don't know. I have been going over and over it this morning and all last night. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to even attempt to return to the way my life was before her. But Derek…he forgave me when he had the right to hate me forever. I owe him something for that, don't I?"
"You don't owe him your chance at happiness, Mark," Carolyn said gently. "You don't owe him that."
Mark blinked back the moisture in his eyes.
"How do you feel about her?"
"I love her," Mark whispered. "So much. I know this is only the beginning of a relationship, but I can't even imagine not seeing her everyday, and being with her all the time. We were going to move in together, did you know that?"
Carolyn shook her head.
"And when I asked her, I wasn't even afraid at all. Before Lexie, whenever I allowed myself to contemplate turning into a one-woman man, I always thought that I would have to be forced into it, kicking and screaming. But with Lexie, I was completely at ease. The only thing I was afraid about was that she would say no. But she didn't." Mark said that last part as if he was talking to himself.
Carolyn blinked back the tears that had gathered in her own eyes. "This is what I always wanted for you, you know that, right?"
Mark looked at her with guilt. "Even when I destroyed Derek's marriage?"
"Always, Mark," Carolyn said. "You can't give this up. Not something this rare, this precious. I knew I liked Lexie before, but I think I love her now."
"Why?" Mark asked.
"Because she sees you," Carolyn said.
Mark looked away, embarrassed.
"I'll talk to Derek, if you want," Carolyn offered.
Mark hesitated, and then said, "No." He had made his decision. "No, I need to do it myself. This has nothing to do with him, and I won't let him dictate my life. When the time is right, I will tell him the truth and leave the rest up to him. I think Lexie is worth taking that risk for."
Carolyn smiled. "Okay, I guess my work here is done."
Mark laughed. "I had forgotten how you could solve problems with nothing more than a friendly ear and some good advice."
"I am just glad you have found someone," Carolyn said.
"You're not the only one," Mark replied.
"But," Carolyn said, waging her finger at him. "If you hurt her, or act like a foolish man, I will come out here again and put you over my knee and give you a good spanking. And don't think I am too old to do it."
Mark grinned, "I would never think that."
"Nice to see some of that Mark Sloan charm resurface," Carolyn said with a chuckle. "Okay, lesson and lecture over. Give me a hug." Carolyn enfolded him in her arms and kissed the side of his face. "Next time I see you, I want you to bring that gorgeous girl along…as your girlfriend."
Mark laughed. "I might be able to do you one better."
Carolyn winked at him, and then walked over to the waiting area to get her bags. Mark waited until she was gone, and then he headed straight for the surgical floor on call rooms.
After checking three, he found Lexie curled up, but not asleep, in the fourth one.
He walked in, his eyes never leaving hers. He closed the door, and then sat down on the bed. His eyes conveyed all the love he felt as he whispered, "You, I choose you."
Lexie began to cry, and he took her in his arms. "It will always be you, Lex."
She raised her tear drenched eyes to his, and whispered, "Always."