Ricky was lost in thought as he made his way to the band room the next morning. Amy was reaching up to remove her French horn case from its cubby when he entered the storage space. He noticed and walked over, removing it for her and carrying it into the band room. Amy noticed he was lost in thought but there wasn't time to ask him about it. Ricky followed her to her chair and set the case on the floor next to it, smiling at her briefly, before heading over to the drum section across the room. Mr. Sidlack was already at the front of the room arranging the music for their warm ups and he promptly tapped the stand with his baton when the bell rang, signaling it was time to begin. After class Amy waited at her cubby for Ricky and they walked out into the hallway together.
"What's going on?" she asked as they headed down the hall to the nearest staircase.
"I've decided to talk to Nora tonight," he told her quietly. Amy realized what a big step this was for him and kissed his cheek. He snapped out of his little funk to truly look at her.
"Call me if you need or want to talk after. I don't care how late," she told him. He smirked and kissed her temple. He slung his arm around her shoulder and they walked up the stairs towards their next classes.
"Thanks."
Back at the butcher shop Bunny, Nora and three other workers were opening the shop for the day.
"Hey, Nora," one of her coworkers greeted her as he carried out a box of sauces so he could restock one of the shelves.
"Hey, Pete," she replied with a smile before she made her way to the front counter to turn on the display lights and unwrap several trays of meat. Bunny walked behind her with a tray of fresh ham slices to add to the display.
"Morning, Nora," she said warmly.
"Hey, Bunny. How are you?"
"Good," Bunny replied, sliding the tray into a slot in the display case and then sliding the door closed. "And you?" Nora nodded her head.
"Pretty good. Just going one day at a time, you know?" Bunny nodded with a smile.
"I hear that's the best way to do it." The two women shared a brief smile before getting back to work. The day continued like any other. Nora and her coworkers sliced meat, wrapped cuts for customers, made small talk with the regulars, stocked shelves, and made gift baskets.
"So you got any big plans for Thanksgiving?" Pete asked Nora as they were washing up dishes in the back later that afternoon. She shook her head.
"No. Just gonna hang out at my apartment," she informed him as she removed several clean trays from the industrial dishwasher's drying belt.
"Well you're welcome to join me and my family if you'd like," he offered. Pete was the epitome of a nice guy. He was polite and courteous to everyone he encountered and was always willing to help out and put his best foot forward. Nora gave him a grateful smile and shook her head.
"While that's nice of you, Pete, I'd really rather not," she admitted. "Family's kind of a sore subject for me and I'd feel weird around a bunch of strangers, you know?" Pete nodded with a smile.
"I can understand that," he replied, loading the last of the dirty trays into the dishwasher. "But if you change your mind just let me know," he told her with a smile before heading to the hand washing station to wash his hands. Not gonna happen she said to herself ruefully as she waited for the trays to finish washing and come out the other end on the dishwasher's conveyor belt. The only family I'm still in touch with wants nothing to do with me she thought sadly as she grabbed a tray off the conveyor belt and stacked it where it was supposed to go. The only things I'm thankful for anyway are that Ricky got away, Bob's in prison and I'm still breathing she thought darkly as she smirked to herself. She finished stacking the rest of the trays and washed her hands before heading back out front. When she did she spotted Ricky and Ben getting ready to finish up the day's gift basket orders. Ricky spotted her and set down his clipboard to walk over to her.
"Do you have any plans tonight?" he asked. Nora shook her head.
"No. Why?"
"I need to talk to you and I was wondering if we could talk after work." Nora shrugged.
"I'm not doing anything."
"Okay. I'll meet you at the time clock," he informed her before heading back to the workstation to start on his basket orders. This oughta be interesting she thought sarcastically as she got back to work.
Closing time rolled around, as Nora knew it would, and she waited at the time clock for Ricky, telling Ben and her other coworkers goodnight. After Ricky punched out he motioned towards the door that led upstairs and she followed him up to his apartment. Ricky closed the door behind her and tossed his keys into the little dish by the front door where he kept them.
"Is pizza alright for dinner?" he asked, taking out his cellphone to dial. "I'm not really in the mood to cook tonight." Nora nodded. "Any preferences?" he asked.
"Just no veggies, please," she said, taking a seat on the couch. Ricky called Dominos and placed his order, pulling out his wallet so he could read his debit card number when asked to. His order placed, Ricky sat on the couch with his mother and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Nora had every intention of sitting there patiently and letting her son ask her whatever he wanted but the suspense started to eat at her so she spoke first.
"So what do you wanna talk about this time?" Ricky turned his body so he was fully facing his mother and looked her straight in the eye.
"Are my grandparents dead?" Nora was surprised, and a little confused, by his question.
"Not that I know of. Why?" Ricky sighed and stared down at the couch.
"Amy and I weren't exactly friends during most of her pregnancy and we certainly weren't on the best of terms right after John was born. Ben came over a little while back and showed me a picture of Adrian's sonogram because it had made him freak out about becoming a dad and I realized I'd never seen a sonogram of John. Amy let me look through his baby book and I saw this little family tree in the front of it and I realized my side of John's tree was mostly empty because I don't know anything about my grandparents."
"Ah," Nora said, believing she understood where this was going. "So now you're curious about mine and Bob's parents." Ricky nodded.
"And not just that. See Amy's grandma, her dad's mom, dropped by for a surprise visit last night and it made me wonder why I'd never met my grandparents." Ricky looked back up at his mother. "Where was your family when I was growing up? Or even Bob's for that matter. Unless you think they're just as bad as he is." Nora sighed.
"It's a long story, Ricky."
"I need some answers, mom. Part of me wants to know if I've even got other family members and the other wants to know why none of them came to rescue me." Sadness and regret filled Nora's eyes as she looked at her son.
"You may not like what you hear."
"I need to know," he told her resolutely. Nora took a deep breath.
"Well long story short our parents and siblings didn't approve of us getting married so young so they basically disowned us. I only met Bob's parents once and since we decided to stay in California after we got hitched, I haven't seen or spoken to anyone from my family since I was nineteen."
"Where do they live?"
"Well I grew up in Colorado so I can only assume my parents still live there." Ricky nodded in understanding.
"Why didn't they approve?" Nora sighed.
"Lots of reasons," she admitted sadly.
"Like?" Ricky pressed.
"Like the fact I was almost nineteen, Bob was almost twenty-one and we were both still in college; the fact we'd only been dating for less than a year; the fact we both only had college jobs and they thought we didn't make enough to support ourselves; the fact the future was uncertain with Bob getting ready to graduate and go to work and I might have to relocate with him depending on what job he got. Take your pick." Ricky didn't say anything so Nora continued. "So when we realized our families weren't gonna support us, we eloped."
"So were you guys in love at least?" Ricky asked curiously. Nora shook her head.
"We were young and thought we were in love. Now I realize that I was simply deeply infatuated with him and believed I was about to start my happily ever after." She chuckled humorlessly. "My parents were right: I was too young to be getting married." Ricky swallowed the lump that had risen in his throat. He was gonna be nineteen in a few months and he felt ready to marry Amy, but maybe he and Amy were too young too and the thought of their marriage dissolving worried him.
"Okay so you only thought you loved Bob. When did all that change? When did things start to get outta control?" Nora smiled sadly.
"Oh, honey, they were always slightly outta control, I just couldn't see it at the time."
"What do you mean?"
"We were in college, Ricky, and we lived like it. Yeah we went to class, did our homework, and worked our campus jobs but on weekends we were stereotypical college kids. We both liked to party and we partied hard. I began drinking a little in high school, getting my first taste of it at a school dance, so I had no reservations about drinking in college. And after Bob introduced me to weed, well....it just became a part of how we partied."
"So the drinking problems began in college?" Nora shook her head and Ricky gave her a look of disbelief. "What?"
"It didn't become a problem 'til you were three."
"Wait, I made you guys turn into alcoholics. Gee, thanks, mom," he said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes. He dropped the sarcastic attitude when he noticed his mother begin to tear up and tried to backtrack. "I didn't mean it like..." Nora shook her head to cut him off and then there was a knock at the door. Ricky rose to answer it and found a pizza delivery guy at his door. Ricky signed the receipt and took the pizza box from him. Once he shut the door he placed the box on the coffee table and then went into the kitchen to get two plates and napkins. He set one of each on the coffee table in front of his mother and opened the box. They each took two slices and ate them in silence. Ricky glanced sideways at his mother every so often to make sure she wasn't crying, feeling bad that he was dredging up bad memories but also desperately needing to understand how his childhood became a nightmare, why his mother had abandoned him. Once their plates were empty they set them down on the coffee table and Nora turned to look at her son.
"You know your childhood was a nightmare, Ricky, and you even understand a little how it happened from the last time we talked but are you sure you wanna know all the details?" Ricky nodded his head and gave his mother a determined expression. "Ok. Well the first year of our marriage was great. It was like nothing had really changed except the fact we were living together and having sex more often because of it." She saw Ricky cringe at the mental image but pressed on anyway. "The next year I got pregnant and we were both thrilled," she remembered with a smile. "I'd always wanted to be married and become a mom you know. Anyway. Bob had graduated and gotten a job with a local construction company and he told me he'd been raised that the man provided for his family so he wanted me to quit my job and only focus on taking care of our kid; he promised he'd take care of everything else." Nora sighed sadly. "At the time he said that I thought it was sweet, that my husband only wanted to take care of me. What he forgot to say was that he also believed a wife's job was to take care of him and the house. I dropped outta school towards the end of my pregnancy, figuring I'd always have plenty of time to go back, at least part time, when you started school, and become a typical housewife: cooking, cleaning, running errands, blah, blah, blah." She smiled lovingly at Ricky. "And then we had you and I didn't know it was possible for a person to be that happy and love somebody so much that they'd just met, even if you'd been kicking my bladder for months," she told him with a cheeky smile. Ricky smirked back at her, remembering how he felt the first time he saw and then held John. He also remembered how uncomfortable Amy had been and felt bad about causing his mother discomfort.
"Sorry," he said sincerely. She chuckled at his response.
"For the first two years of your life things were just fine. Bob went to work and brought home the bacon, I took care of the house, and on Friday nights Tammy, a high schooler who lived in the apartment above us with her parents, babysat you while Bob and I went out and partied. Although, having a kid and a 9-5 change you a little and you don't party quite as hard or as long as you used to. It wasn't until you had just turned three that it all went downhill." Nora looked at Ricky sadly. "That's when the monster first showed up."
"That's what I don't get, mom. How did you not know Bob was the monster he is during the first three years?"
"Ricky, have you met Bob?" Ricky narrowed his eyes and glared at her.
"Yeah," he replied sarcastically.
"Then you know he can be very charming and appear to be a nice guy when he wants to, right?" Ricky nodded, not sure what she was getting at.
"Well when we were dating, Bob was charming and a lot of fun. It probably helped that I liked to drink and smoke pot too, but basically he had no reason to show me the dark side of himself."
"So what set him off then?" Ricky asked curiously.
"The phone bill." Ricky's brows lifted in surprise.
"Say what?" Nora huffed and nodded.
"One day we got a letter in the mail from the phone company saying our payment was late and we had 'til the end of the month to pay it or they'd stop our service. When Bob got home that night I showed him the letter and he said he's take care of it. My mistake was pressing the issue by asking him if there was anything wrong with our finances. He glared at me and said that bills were a man's responsibility and I shouldn't worry about it. I told him that I wasn't worried I was just curious and he hauled off and slapped me. I was so stunned I just stared at him. He said 'I told you I'll take care of it. Don't you ever question me again'. He practically growled it at me and I was too shocked to say anything."
"Why didn't you leave him then? The first time he hit you?"
"Because I was confused."
"About what?" he asked flabbergasted.
"Ricky, growing up I'd always believed that husbands and wives loved each other, that a loving husband would never hit his wife. I replayed our past and tried to see if I'd missed any signs that my husband had a bad temper and I couldn't find a single one. The next day I tried to ask Bob how he could bring himself to hit me and he slapped me again, hard enough to make me fall over. As I clutched my cheek he knelt down and got in my face. He told me that a wife's job was to take care of the house and her husband and not ask questions. Wives who don't know that get reminded until they remember. I knew then and there that by 'reminded' he meant slapped. I began to cry and looked down at the floor. I told him husbands are supposed to love their wives and if he didn't love me I'd just take you and leave so he could find someone he did. He grabbed my face and forced me to look at him as he laughed. He told me that I had nowhere to go. My family wasn't speaking to me and all my college friends had moved on and forgotten about me. Even if I did have somewhere to go no one else would want someone who had a kid in tow. Then he suddenly stopped laughing and his face became dead serious. He told me if I ever tried to take his son away from him I'd wish I were dead." Nora shuddered and Ricky had to fight back tears. Nora brought her knees up to her chest and hugged her legs. "I didn't leave because I believed he was right. I had nowhere to go and no one to turn to all because I'd chosen to defy my parents. I also knew that if I tried to take you away with me Bob would either kill me or both of us and I couldn't just leave you all alone with him so I stayed." Ricky moved closer to his mother on the couch and hugged her.
"I'm so sorry, mom," he told her sincerely, a tear escaping and traveling down his cheek. Nora hugged him back tightly,
"It's not your fault, Ricky. You were three. There's nothing you could've done to help me," she assured him tearfully, her voice cracking.
"I know that now, it's just...all these years I wondered why you never bothered to try and get us outta there and now I know Bob basically imprisoned you mentally so you couldn't." Nora looked at her son, remembering the sweet baby boy he'd been before Bob traumatized him.
"I wasn't strong enough, Ricky. It's why I became an alcoholic." Ricky didn't quite understand that statement.
"What do you mean?" Nora sighed and broke the embrace.
"Remember how the last time you came to see me I told you Bob put me in the hospital countless times and even locked me outta our apartment sometimes?" Ricky nodded. "He did those things every time I tried to find some way to stop him." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, breaking eye contact with Ricky. "The first time he molested you I charged at him, trying to pull him off you. He smacked me so hard I fell against the dresser in your room and got cut above my eyebrow. He grabbed my arm and dragged me outta the room. He took me to our bedroom and beat me for the first time. Not bad enough to need to go to the hospital but badly. From that point on I knew that my husband was either gonna beat me or molest you so I chose to let him beat me instead," Ricky looked at his mother horrified, unsure how to process the fact that his mother had chosen to sacrifice herself for him. "At first." Her words broke his chain of thought.
"At first?" Nora nodded.
"After he started molesting you, I would try to stop him by either questioning him about something else so he'd go off on me or just doing little things that I'd come to learn annoyed him. And after a while, I started drinking and getting high more often so the beatings wouldn't feel as bad. A little while after that, I realized that when I was passed out drunk or so high I didn't know what was going on around me, Bob was molesting you and I felt guilty. Guilty for not knowing how to stop him, guilty that I'd failed as a mother and couldn't protect my child, guilty that I was in the mess I was because I was stubborn and didn't listen to my parents, guilty because I wasn't wise enough to spot an abusive husband before I married him and guilty I couldn't figure out how to get us away from him." Tears began falling down Ricky's cheeks unabashedly.
All these years he'd resented his mother for drinking and smoking her troubles away while his father hurt him. As a kid he thought she was selfish for loving her vices more than him. As he got a little older he understood that alcohol and weed were her coping mechanisms for their situation but he was still angry that she didn't just leave, and take him with her. Until he'd spoken to her just before John's first birthday, he'd never known that her beatings were more severe than his, that she'd ended up in the hospital frequently or that sometimes she hadn't been there because Bob had actually locked her out of the apartment. He knew now that they had both been Bob's victims but maybe, just maybe, his mother hadn't abandoned him completely like he thought she had.
"I didn't know, mom." Nora chuckled sadly and wiped her wet cheeks as she looked at him.
"Kids aren't supposed to know their parents are hurting. They're just supposed to be kids and figure life out as it happens. They're never supposed to see the dark side of life in their own home."
"True, but at least it makes a little more sense to me know," he assured her. Nora snorted.
"It's not supposed to, Ricky. Nothing about an alcoholic, abusive parent is supposed to make sense."
"Okay then even though I heard you explain how it all went down I don't get it," he told her with a smirk. "But what I'd like to get is why you never tried to get me back after I went into foster care."
"You mean after I got outta jail?" she asked sarcastically with a raised eyebrow. Ricky nodded. "And after you refused to take my calls?" Ricky hung his head with embarrassment. Even though his mother had been jailed for marijuana possession and child neglect after social services intervened in his life, she had stayed in touch with his social worker and tried to call him multiple times. Each time he'd refused to take the call. It's no wonder that eventually she just stopped calling.
"I was angry," he admitted quietly.
"I know. That didn't stop me from carrying about you though. In fact I cared enough to leave you alone after you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me anymore and just kept tabs on you through Margaret." Ricky looked at her and saw the pain in her eyes, even though her voice had remained level.
"I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize, Ricky. In fact I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop doing that. It only makes me feel worse."
"Worse how?"
"I've got to spend the rest of my life knowing I was an unfit mother and I can't go back and change that. My choices are why our relationship is what it is and having my child apologize for it when it was my own fault only makes me feel even worse about how phenomenally I screwed up as a mother," she explained, crossing her arms and slouching into the couch with a frown. The frown slowly dissolved as she began to tear up.
"I'm..." Nora turned her head to look at him pointedly so he wouldn't say 'sorry.'. "I mean...Look I don't know what other word or phrase to use here, mom. But I am sorry, okay? I'm sorry because all this time I was angry at you for abandoning me for alcohol and weed when I needed you. I thought you loved those things more than me because if you didn't you'd take us away from Bob. I didn't know you honestly believed you had no choice but to stay, and for my sake too. And even though I was mad at you for so long, I still love you and I'm sorry your husband and my father hurt you." They stared at each other tearfully for several moments.
"It's not your fault, Ricky. None of it was your fault. I'm just sorry you were hurt because of me and that I wasn't the mother you needed or deserved." Nora broke eye contact and stared down at her lap as she sat up a little straighter. "We can't change or erase the past, Ricky." He nodded in agreement.
"Maybe not. But we can do our best to heal." Nora snorted.
"Easier said than done," she remarked darkly.
"Not if we both make an honest effort to try." Nora sighed.
"They tell you in AA that the only way to heal from your past is to acknowledge what happened, admit how it affected you and face the scars it's left you with one day at a time."
"Okay..." Ricky said, not sure where she was going with this.
"You're also supposed to stay away from the things that remind you of that past so you don't fall off the wagon."
"Alright."
"Unfortunately, being around you always brings up, eventually, something that constantly reminds me of how colossally I've screwed up." Ricky was lost.
"What are you talking about?" Nora sighed deeply.
"Margaret."
"Margaret!?" Nora nodded, still unable to look at her son. "What's she got to do with this!?"
"You wouldn't understand."
"Try me," he replied sarcastically. Nora shook her head.
"Have you ever been pregnant?" Ricky snorted.
"Of course not."
"Then you wouldn't understand," she admitted quietly, tears silently beginning to fall down her cheeks. Ricky's attitude towards her instantly thawed.
"Mom, just talk to me. Please?"
"It's that word."
"What word?"
"Mom."
"What about it?"
"Both of us can use that word but it holds more weight for her."
"I don't follow."
"I carried you inside me, Ricky," she began, her tears now flowing uncontrollably even though her voice was steady. "I felt you move inside me. You kicked my internal organs and came out of my body. I nursed you, changed your diapers, witnessed your first steps, heard your first word, potty trained you, read stories to you, took you to the park, bathed you, clothed you, played with you. All for the first two years of your life. But because I wasn't emotionally or physically there for you when you when you were old enough to know it and needed and wanted me there, you call me your other mother. Margaret's the mother who took care of you when you were old enough to remember and appreciate it so I get pushed to the side. I know it's my own fault and like I said, I have to live with that. It doesn't make it hurt any less when you hear your child call some other women mom. It's not a word you just toss around. It means something to a mother. To know your child doesn't see you as their mother, doesn't want you to be their mother, it hurts, Ricky. And as much as I want to be a part of your life again, I know I'll always just be someone from your past that you don't really trust and don't really care to know anymore. Being around you constantly reminds me that I'm not your mother anymore and probably never will be. In your eyes Margaret will always be your mother and I'm just your former incubator."
Tears were flowing from Ricky's eyes freely now too, for two reasons. One, he never knew just how much being separated from him had actually hurt his mother. Two, he remembered his conversation with Amy when they finally laid everything on the table and he remembered how angry he felt, for her, when he found out someone had hurt Amy be making her think she would be replaced as John's mother. He had no idea he'd basically driven a wedge between himself and his mother simply by referring to Margaret as his mother. He'd only lived with Margaret and Shakur for almost four years before he moved out on his own but they had been the parents he needed and had always wanted so it felt right calling them mom and dad. But he never knew how much weight those words carried for the people they were or weren't applied to.
"You're still my mom and you always will be," Ricky assured her. Still Nora couldn't look at him. "Mom." Nora wiped her cheeks and turned her head to look at her son. "Honestly I don't know when I'll be able to trust or count on you again like I should and like you want me to. But," he added quickly, seeing sadness and hopelessness creeping into his mother's eyes. "I meant it when I said I still love you. I want you to be okay. That's why I asked Ruben to try to get you out early. I knew just trying to protect yourself shouldn't have gotten you put back in jail for so long." Nora smiled sadly at him
"While I appreciated that, it also made me feel a guilty," she admitted.
"Why?" he asked, puzzled by her words.
"Because the child I'd let down went out of his way to try and help me when I couldn't figure out how to do the same for him when he was growing up." Ricky sighed.
"If we're ever gonna get over all this you gotta stop beating yourself up over it, no pun intended." Nora nodded to let him know she knew he hadn't meant anything by his choice of words. "We just gotta take it one day at a time and be honest with each other as we go. Think we can manage that much?" Nora gave him a small smile.
"I'm willing to try." Ricky returned her smile.
"Me too." They stood up and hugged each other tightly. "Wanna help me finish off the pizza?" Ricky asked when they separated. Nora smiled.
"Sure." They sat down and put more pizza on their plates.
"What are you doing for Thanksgiving?" Ricky asked around a mouthful of pizza. Nora swallowed the bite she'd just taken.
"Just hanging out at my apartment."
"When'd you get an apartment?" he asked conversationally.
"My sponsor helped me get it. The building's basically like a halfway house for ex-cons like me who were locked up for drug offenses. AA meetings are held in the basement and it's rent controlled so it's affordable. Plus it's on a bus line so I can get back and forth to work easily," she explained before taking another bite of her pizza. Ricky pondered something for a moment and then picked up his cellphone from the coffee table. He speed dialed a number and held it up to his ear.
"Hello, Ricky. What can I do for you?"
"Hi, Anne. I wanted to ask you something."
"What's that?"
"Would you mind if I invited someone to Thanksgiving dinner?" he asked, turning to smile at his mother, who was looking at him with surprise written on her face. She shook her head to try and tell him he didn't have to do that.
"No. Is it anyone we know?"
"It's my birth mom. She didn't have any Thanksgiving plans," he said, smiling at his mother who shook her head at him and went back to eating her pizza.
"Well of course she can come! There'll be plenty of food."
"Ok. Thanks, Anne."
"No problem. I look forward to meeting her."
"Ok. Bye."
"Bye, Ricky." He ended the call and smiled at his mother.
"Now you do have plans. If you give me your address I'll pick you up." Nora looked at him nervously.
"I'm not sure this is such a good idea," she said nervously. Ricky gave her a reassuring expression.
"It'll be fine. Besides. Amy's parents and sister have already met Bob so I'm sure they'll like you better. But I should warn you that Margaret and Shakur will be there too," he said apologetically. He saw her getting ready to make up an excuse not to come. "I know you said it brings up the past when I call her mom but think of it like this: John will be there and you can also get to know Amy too," Nora brightened up a little at that tidbit of information.
"I'd like that." Ricky smiled.
"Maybe you can even help Amy fill in John's family tree a little," he offered. Nora smiled brightly.
"This may just be the best Thanksgiving I've had in years."