Got a bit carried away, I'm sorry :S
48.
●•Kirsten•●
"You do know it’s a mother-son-like relationship, right?” he asked occasionally, completely out of the blue. Confused, I couldn’t help but frown at him.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked with a mouthful of pasta, choking as soon as I decided to talk while chewing. Note to self: “do not talk with your mouth full”. That makes sense now.
“I mean…” Styles shrugged, curling his fork on the plate and taking the food to his mouth. “…you and Tyler. It’s a mother-son-like relationship. You take care of him, and the house, and he does nothing but ask you to do things for him. To him.”
“I thought we weren’t talking about him tonight,” I replied instead, not really wanting to get into the details of my relationship with Tyler. But mostly, trying not to agree with Styles, ‘cause… Well, it wasn’t true at all, was it? I don’t really think mother and son would do some of the things we do. That’d be inappropriate.
“I’m sorry, I just… I was thinking, you know? He’s so lazy and you have to deal with all his sh–t. It’s not like a marriage – or whatever you call this long-term relationship – at all. Even being so long together, he does not give a single sh–t about all your efforts. And I bet he complains when you forget doing something.”
“How’re you supposed to know that?” I raised an eyebrow, hardly trying to find out how much of me I’d showed to him. I couldn’t have exposed so much of Tyler for him to form theories like those, could I? Maybe I’m crossing my own line. This is going way too far.
Styles shrugged again, and I let it drop. After all, crossing lines or not, I had agreed not to fight him anymore. Of course I’m aware it’s the lowest thing I’ve ever done (almost that); of course I feel guilty for doing what I’m doing, I feel dirty, I feel disgusting, but I also feel freer. I can’t bear the thought of completely pushing curly away, ‘cause there’s a slight possibility I’m too attached to him already. There’s a slight possibility I like the way he keeps shamelessly flirting with me, pecking my lips unexpectedly, just staring at me in sheer admiration. There’s this slight possibility he makes me feel like I can act without fearing my actions. And for a brief moment I allow myself to think how would it be if I actually was in a relationship with him.
I regret even the thought of it, but I don’t deny I want it. I can’t deny it. There’s this part of me that wants to find out how it feels like to be in a relationship where you’re not the only one carrying all the weight over your shoulders. I know I’m not worthy of having such a thing, but I wouldn’t bother having a taste. A sweet taste of another side of ‘love’. Because the bitter part where people say you ‘need to give yourself over to someone’ so you can make things work it’s pretty known by me. That’s all I do. I only give. And just now I realized how exhausting it is.
With Styles it’s the opposite. He’s the one giving, looking at me as if I was the love of his life. Not that I doubt I’m Tyler’s, but what’s between us is sort of an obligation, almost. We’re together because, yes, we care a lot about each other; we need each other, we handle each other… But… I guess it’s not the kind of teenage love where you feel butterflies all over your stomach and all those things that make your head spin like crazy. Maybe it’s because life gave its hardest to us, maybe we grew up too fast, but our love is not like that. Our love has all the caring, all the concern, the preoccupation, the urge and the need to make each other happy (the happiest we can be considering the lives we have), but… We’re lacking the love. That thing of needing to be next to each other; that feeling inside that makes you satisfied from just being with the one you love. Well, Tyler and I certainly enjoy all the cuddles, and I do appreciate the moments when he’s all sweet and needy, but it still feels like incomplete. Like it’s just something brief that will soon go away to be replaced by anger and frustration, ‘cause basically, our whole life all goes down to this: frustration.
I know Tyler already had this one person that swept him off his feet – as Styles says he’s going to do with me, which I doubt –, I know he’s already experienced what it’s like to be in love. I’m not sure he had all the butterflies and sh–t, ‘cause I don’t believe they even exist, but I do know he already loved someone with his own life. So much that it made him bring this awful side of his to the fore. He loved her so much that he couldn’t deal with the loss, and because of it he has his constant bad moments. And that’s why I try my best not to get mad at him when he’s a complete jackass: I pity him. There’s this huge pain in my chest by just thinking of going through what he went.
I am the reason why he manages this pain most part of the time. I myself am the proof that he suffered too much, and I’m also the thing that keeps him calm when he’s about to explode. Since he found me, he got better. And that’s what people don’t know. They think Tyler is stupid, and awful, but they have no idea of how much he’s improved.
When I found him he was about to take away his own life. When I thought I had many problems in my life, I found him, and I saw that what I was going through was absolutely nothing compared to his pain. He’d lost someone; I was just being stubborn, as usual; just like now.
I looked at Styles, staring at me with curiosity in his eyes, and I just knew he preferred not to say a word about me being too silent, because he knew I was rethinking my relationship with Tyler due to what he’d said. I knew he’d opted for being quiet just to give me space to get lost in my own thoughts. And well, it worked. Because for the first time, I was letting go of this obligation of being with Tyler, letting go of all the reasons why I’d handled him for so long to think of how good it’d feel to be with someone without feeling like you’re the reason why they’re alive.
I’ll always feel guilty for even thinking of leaving Tyler, but I can’t help feeling a bit left aside when my own boyfriend can’t accept whom I am. I can’t help wishing I had someone to love me the way he loved his other girl, the one he lost. He loves me. I know that. We’re meant to be together, I know that as well, but I wish I could have him looking at me the way he probably looked at her. If at least he talked to his friends about me the way he used to talk to me about her…
Don’t you think I like to admit it, but I do feel wanted, really wanted, when I see the way he looks at me. And yes, by he I mean Styles. The way he does it gives me goosebumps; how he tries to make me feel special is still cliché, but it’s something Tyler has never done for me and I don’t like to compare him to others due to the whole context, but it’s exactly what I’ve always wanted, it’s what I’ve known was missing, but never what I expected it to be.
“I love it when you stare at me,” he whispered, putting his plate aside, and just then I realized I had nearly touched my food. It was probably cold already, but it was still delicious, if I may add. Wherever he’d gotten that pasta, he’d done a great job.
Of course, I could deny I was staring, but my voice would certainly fail and I wouldn’t sound convincing at all, so I just shrugged and did my best to focus on finishing eating.
Once I’d done it, he took my hand, not giving me enough time to question anything before he pulled me up and started walking through the grass, pushing a few tables aside so that we could cross the small bridge over the lake, lazily walking to the other side completely lost in silence.
“Um, excuse me. Where are you taking me now?” I finally managed to say, looking around and trying my best to find something that could justify his actions, but all I saw was more grass and more wedding decorations (by the way, what was the thing with that?)
“Somewhere. I think,” he kind of breathed out the last two words, and I frowned. How like “he thinks he’s taking me somewhere”? Well, he certainly noticed my confused expression, because he started giggling. “Just wait a bit, yeah?”
And oh, well, what could I do, after all? I just shut up and tried to follow his steps, still a bit lazy. He seemed to have no hurry at all, and to be honest, neither had I. If I’d promised not to think about Tyler tonight, I was going to do it well. I was actually enjoying that a lot – even if all we had done so far was eating and, well, snogging a bit –, and I certainly wanted it to keep going for as long as possible.
“Yes! It’s still here. Ok. I need you to trust me now. Can you do it?” he asked, turning me around and holding me by the shoulders as he firmly looked into my eyes. What the hell was he planning to do?
“Styles, wha-”
“Just say you can.”
“Ugh,” I complained through a sigh, and he knew I’d just given in. “Fine. Do your magic, gentleman. I’m waiting.”
I could hear his laugh – a really pleasant sound, which I was starting to get attached to – at the same moment as he put both his hands on my eyes, turning me around again. His breathing was right on my neck, my skin feeling the slight tickle of his curls.
He then pushed me forward, and I felt something poke my sides. Bushes, maybe? The sound of leaves falling and brunches moving certainly made me think my theory was right. They were everywhere, almost as if we were going through a whole row of them, and when Styles finally removed his hands from my eyes, I knew I was right.
We’d just crossed some kind of bushes fence that wasn’t supposed to be crossed at all. It completely separated the wedding-decorated side from the other empty space. Seriously, there was nothing but grass, grass, grass, and… grass? Oh no, okay. There was also this one tree and…
“A tree house? Are you serious?” I asked, too in shock to even hide it. How’s that we go from a whole fancy lightened place to such a simple one in a matter of seconds?
“Shush, Kirsten. Just follow me and keep your mouth closed.”
“Such a gentleman,” I muttered with a roll of eyes, following him to the rope ladder hanging from the tree trunk. It seemed a lot old, and I was certainly afraid of climbing that sh–t. I do appreciate my life, thank you very much.
Giving the tree house a second look, I noticed that from the side that was turned to the bushes fence, you could barely see there was something there. I mean, whoever was at the other side of the fence certainly couldn’t notice there was even a house there. The only thing showing behind the crown of the tree was a small wood window.
The house wasn’t even big, to be honest.
“C’mon, let’s go up there,” curly said, making me look at him instead of staring at the thing he was planning to make me go into.
“Isn’t it, like… Dangerous? This seems a lot instable, Styles.”
“Fine, I’ll go first,” and a second later, he was climbing up that thing with such an ease I was sure he’d done that a thousand times before. At the least. “Kirsten, come, will you?” he asked, already looking down at me from the small porch (what a fancy tree house, though. Isn’t it?), and holding out his hand for me. “Promise I’ll catch you if you fall, okay? I swear it’s safe.”
Finally, I nodded, doing my best to keep my balance while the rope ladder kept going from one side to the other. I heard Styles breathe out something like ‘stop moving so much’, but I ignored it as I finally held his hand and he helped me to go up the rest of the way. Just then, like in all those cliché movies, I ended up falling above him (just for the records, he pulled me way too strongly, so it’s he’s fault. He was planning this), my hands on each side of his head as his were tightly gripping my waist.
Unsuccessfully, I tried to stand, but he kept holding me.
“Can’t we just stay like this? I’m having a really nice view of you and the sky.”
My annoyed reaction was enough for him to giggle and loose his grip, helping me to stand up afterwards. He kept our fingers interlocked as he pulled me towards the small door (actually, just a hole in the wood, looking like a door), both of us having to curve down so we could walk past it.
And it was as small as it looked like: just a room, low ceiling in the edges, a bit higher in the very middle of the house. There were only three windows (more holes); one right next to the “door”, the other turned on the direction of the bushes fence down there and the last one placed exactly on the opposite wall.
There was also a carpet in the middle, so old, dirty and full of leaves that I opted for not sitting on it. Instead, I followed Styles, still walking a bit curved down, as he took a seat next to the window that gave us a sight of the lightened place we were at just a few minutes ago.
He pulled me down until I was lying on the floor with my back resting on his chest, then he kissed the top of my head and leaned on it, his cheek burying in my hair.
“You know, when I was younger I used to come here with my first girlfriend, and we would just watch the weddings and other events right there,” he then pointed to where we were before. Things were a bit smaller from here, but we could still pretty much see everything, especially the lights. “People would always complain about kids being around, so we hid here, just staring. They barely even crossed the lake, so no one never really noticed our tree house.”
He took a deep breath, and I looked up at him. He had a slight smile on his features, his dimples showing off perfectly.
“First love, huh?” I teased, and he nodded, still smiling.
“Yeah. We sometimes just kept watching and watching all those weddings, and we used to pretend it was us there. She’d play the bride and I’d be the groom. Then we’d just pretend we could actually hear all the vows, and repeat them to each other. Quite fun, if I may add. I had a lot of fun here.”
“You played wedding instead of playing with cars? What kind of kid were you?” I couldn’t help asking, trying my best not to laugh at him. I’m pretty sure any other girl would’ve found it cute, but honestly, which boy pretends he’s getting married as a kid? Nah. Just too weird.
“Oi! I played with cars, too. Just that I also liked to have fun with my girlfriend. And as we were too young to do other things, I had to content myself with just the wedding, you know?”
Okay, I couldn’t hold back after that.
“Jesus Christ, Styles! What a pervert you are. How old were you back then? Eight? Ten, maybe? How inappropriate.”
“Eight, actually. She was ten, anyways. I’ve always liked older women. And I’m just kidding, okay? Inappropriate things didn’t cross my mind ‘till I was, like… Thirteen to fourteen? I’m not that pervert. At least, I wasn’t.”
For some reason, it was easy to laugh with him. Or at him. Whatever. My stomach was starting to ache due so much laughter, but still, I couldn’t stop. Styles pretended to be offended, but then he just gave up trying to make me feel guilty and just stared, clearly admiring the sight of me running out of air.
“Okay. Whatever,” I took a deep breath, recomposing. “You said you like older women, right?” he nodded. “So, how old are you, actually?”
“Twenty-two.”
“Ooh…” I held out the word, pouting at him, now completely lying on my back; my head on his lap. When I’d slipped down? “Sorry to disappoint you, mister, but I’m not older than you. I’m just twenty. Too young, I guess?”
This time, he was the one laughing. Not loudly laughing, as I was doing, but amusedly laughing. He leaned on me, brushing our noses together and kissing between my eyes.
“I’ve always known you were younger,” he said, giggling at the way I frowned. “But… Well… You’re my exception, aren’t you?”
●•Author's Note•●
dedication goes to: @iFancyLiam because GIRL! You made my day with that comment. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm so glad you liked everything about this fanfic, and it's always good to see people appreciate the effort I put into it.
note: Yep. More details of both Harry and Kirsten's past. Now you only need the details themselves, 'cause I'm pretty sure many of you already have a good idea of what happened to them. And each time we're closer and closer to finding out. IT'S SO CLOSE, ACTUALLY! *-* Can't wait 'till you all see what I've planned. Anyways. No, Harry did not take her to his house to have sex with her. It was just a tree house. For now, anyways haha. What did you think of it? Let me know.
next update: Friday (September 6th)
500 votes on the last chapter? Aw, thanks! Can you do it again? I think you do. C'mon. 500 votes for early update. Karry's night's not over yet ;)
Love you all, Dani xx