17
• • •
Orlyndo Toni Braune
"Anyway... This cancer thing" I spoke up, "I thought there was a cure for it?" I inquired
"Oh, I don't know if there is. I just can't get the chemotherapy treatments anymore"
"And why is that?"
"There's a list. The list contains the wealthy ones, the ones that can afford some of the bills, then you have the ones who can't. It also goes by your age, especially your race" She explained, "And since I'm a black woman who can barely afford to pay these bills, I'm at the bottom- therefore, I can't get the treatment"
I stared blankly at her, "That is the stupidest shit I've ever heard"
"The feeling's mutual but-"
"I'll pay for it then" I suggested
"Huh? What- no, I can't let you do that. It's too much money- money that you're wasting on me. The therapies cost a lot-"
"When it comes to spending my own money on you, it's never being wasted" I kissed her forehead, "Remember that"
She nodded, laying her head on my shoulder. I've been here all night and I didn't want to leave. I had no reason to leave. Yes I have to go to work, but that's at the least of my worries when it comes to Karma. She always comes first now.
We laid next to each other in silence which is how I prefer it. Sometimes I like to hear her ramble on about nothing and weird situations, sometimes I like to hear her moan, or hum lyrics to a song.
Then my mind thought of what the women said on television. It pissed me off to even listen to them speak about me abusing someone I slightly confessed my feelings for.
"Is everything okay?" Karma questioned
"If I say yes, will you be quiet?" I mumbled sternly
"What did I do now to make you angry again?" She sat up, "Is it what we were watching a few minutes ago?"
Ignoring her, I focused on who passed by the room out the window.
"Talk to me" She turned my face towards her
I snatched her hand away, "For what?"
"Because we always talk, so why not?" She raised an eyebrow
I groaned, getting out the hospital bed. "We don't talk, Karma. We confess and we argue"
She frowned, "Th-That's how we communicate. It's communication-"
"It's not-"
"- it makes our relationship become stronger" She finished
"Relationship? What kind of relationship do you think we have?" I questioned her
"A decent one"
"No, it's an unstable one" I sighed, "We're not... We're not a good, you know"
"Couple?"
Running my hands through my hair, I dragged them down my face, "Yes that"
"Is it because of what they said about you and I? Because I'm not the one who you should be with?" She took the covers off of her, "You care more about your damn reputation and your publicity instead of caring about what suits you. What is good and satisfies you, but you worry over other people's opinions!"
I disconnected my gaze from hers, "That's not true"
"Then look me in the eye and tell me it isn't. Let me know you feel the same way"
"I do feel the same way, I just don't want to say those words"
"The words 'I love you' aren't going to change anything, just say them. Tell me what I said isn't true, tell me you love me back" She urged, grabbing my hand to pull me closer
"Karma, stop-"
"Tell me-"
"I'm not the one for you, alright? You may think I am, but I'm not- I wish I was. I can't just stand here and prove to you that I can be someone different. Doesn't matter what I say or what I do, I'm not good enough" I told her, "And I can't pretend to be that way, neither can I force myself to tell you something I'm not sure of"
Her grip from my hand loosened, letting it fall. I headed towards the door, hearing her unhook herself from the machine and walk towards me while I left the room.
"You're a fucking coward, you know that!" She cried out
I proceed to walk down the hallway. I pinched the bridge of my nose, my eyes stinging from the tears that threatened to fall.
"You know what love is! You're just terrified of it!" She yelled
Her words made my chest ache, the tears falling over the brim of my lower eyelids.
☼☼☼☼
Sitting on my bed, I figured that this was a mistake. I don't care about what people say, but it gets to me regardless. Besides, I didn't think that, that little problem would cause me to just walk out.
She knew I didn't want to leave, even I knew I didn't want to- yet I did. I had no reasons to why, so I was the one at fault.
When I say I'm a fucked up person, I really am. Another thing that I do fear is going to get help because they're going to say the same shit over and over again. So today, I decided to go just to find out what's wrong and find out ways to leave everything in the past.
After I had left the penthouse, I went to the bank to make sure a third of my check went to Karma's hospital bill.
The money was about a few hundred thousand dollars. I told Karma that I would start paying for her medical bills. Just because of what happened between us, I was still going to do this for her. Not out of pity, or for her to come back, or because I needed to, but because I wanted to.
Leaving the bank, I went to go see a psychologist for therapy. Once I arrived there, people looked at me to know why I was here. I'm here for some of the same reasons as everyone else.
They called my name and the woman shook my hand. I sat down in front of her desk as she sat behind it in her chair.
"So," She intertwined her hands, "Tell me why you're here"
I frowned, "For help?"
She chuckled, "No. The purpose to why you came"
I sighed, wiping my sweaty hands on my pants, "I guess to feel better... To move on and forget"
"And you don't think you can do that on your own?"
I slightly shook my head, "I don't think I should. Maybe for some people, they find the one they spend the rest of their lives with- and right now, mine is starting out. But what if Karma's the one?" My chest began to ache again, "How will I let her go?... I-I would regret that for the rest of my life"
"Time can help. Yes it's slow and it's painful, but it'll work. Talking helps, going out with other people and spending time with friends. Then she'll be like a book that you've read a long time ago"
I stared at her, feeling a stray tear go down my cheek, "You think that's possible?"
"If you trust that it's meant to be then it'll be again. And if it's not, you will wake up one day and haven't thought of her once... Then you'll be free"
Leaving the psychologist, I went back home. I paced back and forth thinking about the girl who I know that I'm in love with.
I took another shower and stayed in bed. I feel like going back to the hospital, but Karma will never want to see me anymore.
Hearing a heavy knock on the front door, I got up and threw on a t-shirt. Approaching the door, I answered it only to see two police officers standing there.
"Orlyndo Braune?" One inquired
I sighed, "Yes?"
They handed me a yellow packet. My eyebrows clashed together as I took it from them to open. Taking out the papers, I examined it.
Instantly frowning, I glared up at them, "A restraining order?"