I'm going to apologize now. I am not completely happy with how this chapter turned out, but I will post it and maybe revise it later. I hope all of you like it, anyway.
Rhia
The days after Max left were a nightmare. I was an emotional zombie. I went through the motions, bring happy for Bria and Jason, going to work, even spending time with Dane. My heart was in none of it. All I thought of was how badly I missed Max.
I felt extremely guilty when it came to Dane. We hadn't been officially committed to each other at that point, but I still felt as if I had cheated. I almost told him, but embarrassment about the situation stopped me. I wasn't embarrassed because Max wasn't good enough, because he was wonderful. I was embarrassed because I was closing in on thirty, and he had only just turned eighteen! I was the adult, and for all intents and purposes, I had made the wrong decision. Everyone I knew would be disappointed in me. What was even worse was that I had loved it, I loved him.
We weren't meant to be, though, Max and I. I purposely avoided Facebook, and sat on my hands when I thought of texting him. Dane and I had made a decision to be exclusive the weekend after my involvement with Max. If I hadn't cheated then, I would certainly be cheating now. Dane was my boyfriend, and I loved him, too. Being near Dane didn't excite me the way that being near Max did, but he was easygoing and compassionate, so I dealt with it.
The first time we had sex, I told him that I wasn't a virgin. I also told him that my first time was wonderful, but ill-fated. I didn't really give him a time frame as to when that actually happened. The only detail I gave was that I had been a late bloomer. I think he would have left me in a second if he'd known how I'd really lost it, especially since I'd been seeing him at the time.
I can honestly say that sex with Dane did not come close to being with Max. He tried, but he just didn't get me. He didn't know where or how to touch me to make me squirm, he thought it was weird that I wanted to kiss when I was about to climax, and we never came at the same time. None of this would have been terrible if I wasn't wishing that he was Max every second of our time together. I didn't understand how Max, who was young and unexperienced, could please me so much more than Dane, who had a few other women under his belt.
It wasn't bad, though, life with Dane. I just didn't feel the way I felt when I was with Max. He had definitely taken a part of me with him when he'd left that Sunday morning. Whether I liked it or not, life went on. I was surviving, and sometimes I was even happy.
Bria and Jason had gotten married a little more than a year after his proposal. They bought a house in the suburbs near where Bria and I grew up. I held my breath when I visited, hoping that I wouldn't run into Max. Although, I'd be lying if I said I didn't fantasize about how that might play out. I carried my 'souvenir' with me in my purse, just in case.
Dane and I were relaxing on his back patio one day, a little more than three years after Max's visit, when my phone rang. It was Joey. "Hi," I answered.
"Hey, sis," he replied.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"I was wondering if you and Dane would be interested in coming to the beach with us at the end of June. It's a huge house, and the more people we take, the cheaper it is for each person," he explained.
Uh oh, I thought. It sounded like an awesome offer, but if Max was going to be there, I wasn't. "Who's all going?" I said, praying that Max's name wasn't one of them. I figured he had to be going, though. He was Joey's best friend.
"Well," he began, "Jake and Tina are going, Brent and Krissy will be there, Brendan and Maya are going, and I thought Bria and Jason might want to go."
What? No Max? This meant Dane and I could go on the trip, but now I was worried. Why wasn't Max, my brother's best friend, going with them to the beach? I couldn't ask. That might make it too obvious. Just then, Joey said, "Max was going to bring his 'flavor of the month,' but she's dragging him to her parents' lake house that same week."
"Flavor of the month?" I asked before I could think about what I was saying.
Joey laughed. "Yeah. I don't know what or who happened to Max the weekend he stayed with you, but he came back a different person. He used to be kind of shy, and only dated Katie. Now he has a new girl every time we turn around. He's a player."
My heart sank. Max was a player? He changed after visiting me? Was it my fault? "Oh, I see. So he won't be there, then?" I asked, trying not to convey how upset that made me.
"That's right," Joey answered.
"Let me talk it over with Dane, and we'll get back to you. It sounds like it will be fun. I'll ask Bria, too, and let you know. Thanks for asking!" I stated as we said our goodbyes and hung up.
My mind was reeling. I knew I should have kept up with Max's love life. Why was he going wild dating so many different women? Had I been a bad influence on him, making him think he didn't have to be in a committed relationship to have sex? I hoped not. What we had done was wrong, but we'd ended up having more than just a physical connection. At least on my end of it, anyway.
"Well?" Dane asked, looking at me like I was crazy.
"Oh, Joey wants us to go to the beach with him and a bunch of other people. They're renting a giant house. It's the last week in June. Do you want to go? Can you take off work?" I asked.
"I'll see what I can do. Sounds like fun. Who's got a flavor of the month?"
Yeah, I didn't want to answer that. Dane might not have been able to understand my needs in the bedroom, but he could read my emotions like a book. I would have to watch myself when talking about Max, especially since the wounds from this newest revelation were fresh.
"Max," was all I said, hoping that would be enough.
"That young guy who came for a college tour when we were first dating?" he asked.
"Yep," I said, "that one."
"Lucky guy," he said, laughing. I stared at him with feigned anger. "I'm just kidding, dear Rhiannon. Who wants a new lover every month when they can have you always?"
I rolled my eyes. "Save that garbage for your fairy princess. I don't buy it," I said. I walked over and hugged him, giving him a kiss on the head. "Not that I don't appreciate you trying, though."
"You're a tough audience," he said as he lunged out of his chair toward me. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me passionately. "You're my fairy princess whether you like it or not," he said when he came up for air.
"Please," I said sarcastically, "don't do me any favors." I kissed him again, but I couldn't help imagining he was Max. Without realizing what I was doing, I had ripped his shirt off and pushed him up against his house. My hands were in his hair, on his chest, at his waistband.
"Rhiannon," he practically yelled, "people can see us. This isn't proper. You had me going there for awhile. It's almost like you're two different people." I was angry at him. In retaliation, I gave him one long, drawn out, tongue massaging, passionate kiss while fondling his package. He was wound pretty tight.
Then I said, "See ya, I'm going to take a bath......alone."
He looked like he was about to burst, and I was enjoying every minute of it. How dare he make me feel badly for getting a little hot and heavy on the porch, even if I was imagining him as Max the whole time. Proper, my butt. It was proper to be affectionate with the man I was dating. We weren't on the street.....or in a park, against a tree. Oh, my not-so-little Max, how I miss you, I thought.
This vacation will be just what we need, I thought. We'll get to spend time with friends, relaxing and enjoying ourselves. Time away from the norm might help Dane and I to reconnect, I thought.
Max
There was life before my weekend with Rhia, and there was life after my weekend with Rhia. When I got back, I spent time telling made up stories about my trip to college. I often wondered what people would have done with the truth.
All I thought about was Rhia. I was almost sick that first week home, missing her. I wanted to call her so badly, but I knew she had Dane. I wished every day that I would have had the courage to ask her out.
Instead, I became a relationship nightmare. I stayed with Katie awhile. When we did finally sleep together, I called her Rhia. Oops. She was so embarrassed, she never told anyone. She had taken it as a sign that she wasn't good enough. I tried to convince her that wasn't the case, but she left me the next morning.
I responded by asking my neighbor, Lily, out on a date. We dated for a few weeks. We had sex on our third week anniversary, and she broke up with me shortly afterward. She told me that she couldn't be with a guy who didn't look at her once during lovemaking. I hadn't looked at her. I was imagining she was Rhia. Each of my sexual encounters included Rhia in some way. It just happened. I couldn't control it.
It wasn't like I slept with every girl I dated, either. Most of them were so different from Rhia that I couldn't even pretend to love them. I was a mess. All my friends thought I was a player. In reality, I was broken, and looking for a woman that could glue me back together. Too bad she was with Dane.
The April after I turned twenty-one, Joey had the idea to rent a beach house and invite all of our friends. I was surprised he found one on such short notice. We were planning on going at the end of June. It sounded fun.
Unfortunately, Cassie, the girl I had just started seeing at the time, wanted me to go to her family's lake house that same week. I liked her a little more than most of the other girls, so I opted out of the beach. I had to put up with some razzing from the guys, but I didn't let it get to me. I hadn't slept with Cassie yet, and we planned on taking advantage of the lake house trip for that purpose.
When I told Joey, he was not too happy. He told me he'd find another couple to take our place. I was fine with that. I had to be. After he told me that Rhia and Dane were going, I was fit to be tied. What I wouldn't do to be in a cabin on a beach with Rhee for a week. Even ten other people wouldn't have ruined it. My mind searched for ways to go on that beach trip.
The week before our vacations, it happened. Cassie's dad informed us that their lake house had caught fire. It wasn't damaged beyond repair, but we wouldn't be able to stay there until it was fixed. A light bulb lit in my brain. I called and asked Joey if we could still get in on the beach trip. He said that there was one small bedroom no one would be using, and that Cassie and I could have it.
"Thanks, man," I said after Joey had confirmed that we could go on the trip.
"No problem at all. It wouldn't be the same without you there."
We hung up. "It's okay, Cass," I told Cassie. "There was one small bedroom left. I figured that was better than nothing."
She smiled. Her blonde curly hair and her dark brown eyes reminded me of Rhia somehow. She was beautiful on her own, though, any one could see that. Maybe I was a fool for comparing every girl to Rhia. I really wasn't sure anymore. Seeing her again would help me to figure it all out. I hoped.
"Yeah," she said, "at least we'll get to go somewhere." She walked behind where I was sitting, and draped her arms over my chest. Her face was suddenly beside mine. She kissed me on the cheek, and said, "I guess our first time will be at the beach, then."
I pulled her in front of me and onto my lap. "At least we'll be somewhere special," I said before my lips made contact with hers. She didn't taste like Rhia, but the watermelon flavor of her lip gloss had a certain appeal that I could get used to. This trip might decide what my future holds, I thought, before kissing Cassie again.
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Next: Time will only tell how this vacation will turn out.