The first and only meeting Draco had to endure over the winter holiday was Christmas Eve. It started with a welcome to Lucius, who got out of Azkaban in time to attend. Then, the first twenty minutes was spent updating each other of missions going on all over the country. The Carrows killed four families North of London. Bellatrix had used more unforgivables than Draco could count. Greyback still smelt of blood from an endeavor two days ago.
Hogwarts was the next topic, how the barrier kept the Death Eaters out, thankfully in Draco's opinion and unthankfully in everyone else's, with no falter. That was when Draco readied himself, because the question he was anticipating came next, but he'd never had to do it next to his father.
"Draco. Welcome back. Busy with school?"
"It's been a busy term."
"Have you followed my instructions?"
"Yes."
"What's going on with Potter?"
Draco swallowed, thanking himself for taking a numbing potion before this. "He's okay. Still mourning the death of his god-father, but he does his best to move on." Bellatrix gave a cackle. "He tries not to let it effect him, but I see it does. He's definitely more alone because of it. There's tension between his friends, but not with him so much."
"Are you responsible for this tension?"
"I don't need to be. They do it on their own. But I do try to isolate him from them."
"What is Potter like on his off time? What does he do?"
"He plays quidditch a lot. Hangs out in the common room that I know of. Then me."
"I must've been in Azkaban longer than I thought," Lucius gave a laugh looking around the room. "Are you the Potter expert?"
"Your son is a genius, Lucius. Given me enough knowledge to make up for some of your inadequacy. You're lucky I even allow you in this house." The Dark Lord turned back to Draco. "Do you know if he's training?"
"No. Dumbledore's Army disbanded after last year. There's been nothing like it ever since. I don't even think he duels. He hates studying, so he'd only do it if he was forced to."
"What are his studies now?"
Snape spoke, filling him in on the curriculum that he'd been using, which Draco was thankful about, because he'd missed so many classes working on the cabinet, or he spent them daydreaming about Harry.
"Ah, our dark magic could abolish any one of those spells. Good job, Severus. Get with Draco and make sure he knows all the counter curses. I imagine if needed, Draco needs to be prepared." His snake eyes then turned to Draco. "Is there anything you need from us to help you?"
He swallowed before bravely speaking. "Having the Mark on my arm—I-I don't know if he can feel it or not. But he's suspicious. And I've deterred him as much as I can."
"You're saying you wish to get rid of it."
"No. Absolutely not! I've earned my Mark!"
"Why would you need to hide to show your wrist?"
Bellatrix answered for him. "Mating."
The room erupted in laughter and scowls of disgust. Draco refused to look at Lucius, who had his mouth slightly open and eyes wide. Instead, he focused his efforts on acting.
"He's a disgusting half-breed. Absolutely not. Never," Draco visibly gagged. "I don't even want to think about it."
Bellatrix cocked her head. "Has he asked for it? Has he really fallen that hard? It's pathetic."
"Potter's a slave to me. He'd do anything for attention, it's disgusting. Low self esteem. Too scared to."
"What's strange," The Dark Lord spoke, "is that you use occlumency quite often. What is it that you want to hide from me?"
"He can feel you," Draco said. "When you're present, he can tell. It's dangerous."
"Are you suggesting I take away your Mark?"
He wanted to beg, YES! But that would be a big mistake. He'd end up dead before he even got the entire word out. "No, please! No! I'm not saying to take it away. Please don't. There's nothing I've been more proud of. But there have been incidences where I've had close calls with Potter. And he may be infatuated with me enough to make him blind to suspicion, but if he finds out before the end of the year, when I kill Dumbledore, then... I don't know what will happen, if he'll let report me or if he'll try to take care of me himself."
"You believe you're going to fail," The Dark Lord narrowed his eyes.
"I believe Potter can be smart when he wants to be. He just hasn't decided it yet. My strategy is to keep him stupid for as long as I can. It's worked so far."
"A plan that relies on stupidity is a flawed one."
"I have back ups. There's no need to worry."
"How's your mission?"
Draco took a deep breath. "The vanishing cabinet... it's not working no matter what I do to it. The necklace would have worked if the girl wasn't with her stupid friend..."
"And what are your back up plans for that?" Draco swallowed, opened his mouth, then closed it. "I had more faith in you. It's disappointing to see you so ill prepared. Do you understand what's going to happen if you don't succeed?"
Draco looked at his parents before looking at his thumbs. His stomach twisted and he had to push back the overwhelming need to vomit.
"I have an idea myself," Yaxley said. "Poison. Give it to Dumbledore as a gift. I'm sure he likes sherry. No one will know."
"Yes," Bellatrix said. "Severus should be able to make some."
Snape had a blank face as he nodded. "I will work with Draco."
"Time is running out."
"I assure you," Draco spoke, "I won't fail."
"For your family's sake and your own, I should hope not," The Dark Lord spoke.
Draco didn't hear the rest of he meeting because he felt so sick. And when it was over, only Lucius, Narcissa, Snape and Draco remained in the room.
"Enlighten me," the snarl from Lucius's mouth echoed across the room, enough to wake him from his trance. "I don't understand the extent of your relationship with Potter. Mating?"
"It's none of your business."
Lucius reached out to hit him, but Draco read it, and ducked, reaching for his wand. Still, Lucius took it and stood close to him, enough for Draco to see the haunted soul in his eye as he stabbed his wand into his neck. "Your eyes," Lucius hissed, noticing the shade and then he backed away in horror. "Don't tell me—"
"He didn't ask for this," Narcissa stepped in.
"I won't allow it. There will be no such relationship between you and Potter."
"The Dark Lord wants it!"
"The Dark Lord doesn't understand the extent of what this means!"
"My eyes don't matter. I promise when I say, Harry and I won't be together for long regardless of what we have now."
"Because he'll be dead by the Dark Lord."
Draco's jaw tightened. "I know."
"You wait until the Dark Lord finds out that it's real. Maybe I should just let it happen. You'll be dead before you can even say his name."
Narcissa stepped in front of Draco. "Don't you dare!"
"Then you lose a son," Draco shouted past her. "Your only son. Your only chance at an heir."
"Narcissa. The boy—"
"You're not killing my son."
Lucius had eyes of fury, staring between them. "We have to protect the family name. Potter will never be your pet, I'll dedicate my life to it. The Greengrasses! Their oldest daughter was betrothed at his age. Don't they have another?"
"Lucius, don't do this. You're being irrational!"
"I will not have my son be seduced by some half-breed wonder boy in sacrifice for the family name!"
"You mustn't have much faith in the Dark Lord if you think he's going to live long enough for me to marry him." Draco snarled, exhausted from playing his character.
"You can't have feelings for him."
"It doesn't matter if I do or don't. Not with this war. Besides, I'm sure two death eater families binding together would please the Dark Lord, and isn't that our job as Malfoy's, the great family name. We're nothing more than clowns for him."
Draco began walking out of the room, Lucius's tone changing from dominant to scared. "If you make the Dark Lord question your loyalty, you'll be dead."
"What's it matter? One way I die physically, the other, I die in every other way possible while still breathing. But you'll get what you want. I'm sure your heir will learn the unforgivables by age three. It'll be torturing mudbloods before it even goes to school. What a wonderful world it'll be, without Harry Potter."
"Draco," Narcissa started as Draco was halfway through the door. "Get back here."
"I have a mission to work on. I wouldn't want to waste time on it," he called back.
————————————————
The train chugged in the pristine winter snow, dark clouds reflecting Draco's mood. He sat across from Pansy and Blaise in his usual spot but he didn't speak to them at all. He wouldn't tell them about his break and everything that happened until later that evening when they were alone in his bedroom and he could break down in their arms without everyone around to see him.
"I have something for you." The whisper came next to his ear, making him jump. Draco turned next to him, and of course, no one was visible, but Harry's smell filled his nose. "Bathroom?"
Draco furrowed his eyebrows, but didn't say anything. Harry's smell disappeared and Draco stood with a tight throat to follow him.
There were several stalls, and Draco entered the only one that was unlocked, swiftly locking it behind him. Harry immediately shed his invisibility cloak, and hugged him. There was barely enough room for the two of them, the toilet, and the sink. They rocked to the chug of the train. "Happy New Year."
Draco's eyes welled, but he was able to hide it from Harry as he squeezed him tight. It could be the last time he'd ever hear those words. "Happy New Year."
"I'm sad I didn't get to spend it kissing you. It would've been the best way to start it off."
Draco gave a weak smile, and Harry leant up to kiss him. The feeling made Draco tremble, and the rocking of the train made them break apart, Draco falling back against the wall, Harry against the sink. To solve the problem, Harry jumped and sat back on the sink, grabbing Draco's waist and pulling it forward, then wrapping his arms around his back. Draco grabbed his face and kissed him like it would be the last time. Because at some point, it would be. It was best to prepare now.
"Mm, definitely missed out on this." Then the train jerked again, causing Harry to hit his head on the mirror. "Okay, stupid idea."
"How was break?" Draco's voice came in a small crack.
"The Weasley's house got attacked."
Draco remembered them mention it during their stupid Death Eater meeting. "Yeah?"
Harry furrowed his eyebrows at his lack of reaction. "Yeah, it was kinda a big deal."
"Mm. Oh, right. Sorry," Draco said, covering his lack of reaction. "Not feeling well. Is everything okay?"
"Their house is in ruins but no one got hurt. You look like shit."
"Exhausted," Draco said.
"Let me guess, you were staying up all night thinking of seeing me."
He made it so easy to lie to him. "You're not wrong." Harry beamed up at him. "I got the flu. The actual flu." The Death Eater flu. The watching other people plan you boyfriends death over and over again flu. The strangely enough if the Dark Lord didn't know about his love affair with the Chosen One, his father would literally beat his arse flu. The one time The Dark Lord helped their relationship... "What's my surprise?"
"Nothing insanely nice. We're not talking diamond jewelry or fancy clothes or anything. There's this bakery outside Kings Cross, and the Dursley's used to take Dudley there all the time. It's world famous and I never got to try it because, you know, Dursley's being who they were, so I thought that we could try it together." Harry jumped off the sink, nearly knocking Draco over, and grabbed a lumpy paper pouch from his waistband that crinkled loudly as he dug in it.
"That was so kind of you." Draco's weak smile turned into a grin. "You're so thoughtful." He rested his forehead against Harry's and wrapped his arms around him again, train be damned. Harry hugged him back, but Draco didn't feel safe in his arms anymore. There was no certainty.
Harry reached up and kissed his cheek. "I wish I could do more. Maybe next Christmas, since we'll both be seventeen, we could go on a holiday together." Harry reached inside and ripped off a piece of the pastry, giving it to Draco. It was shiny and flaky and had chocolate goop inside of it. But it tasted like nothing. And if Draco had slept at all, he would have been furious at the fact that he couldn't enjoy the few moments inside of a train bathroom, eating a pastry with Harry without feeling so disgusting in his skin, but right now, he was too tired. So he smiled like Harry did, pretending that he could taste what Harry did because he seemed so happy eating it and if he wasn't so depressed, he could taste it, too. "You know, leave the country. Just us two."
"That sounds like fun." Impossible. One of them would be dead by then. Who it was depended on the cards drawn.
Harry took another bite of the pastry. "It's so good."
Draco gave a fake nod, the stress turning into nausea.
Sudden banging on the door saved him. "Oi, hurry up!"
Harry rolled his eyes and pushed the pastry in his hand. "Always happens," he took his final bite, his voice dropping lower. "Don't they know I only have a few minutes a week to hang out with my secret boyfriend."
"Arseholes."
"Can I sit next to you again?" Harry reached for his cloak.
"Right because last time went so well." Draco's heart beat in his chest, his face flushing.
"Please! I'll make you feel better."
Draco rolled his eyes. No, logic told him. But his heart, so broken and scared and lost begged him to. And Draco had to comply. "You go first."
Harry immediately smiled, then kissed him, broken by more bangs coming from the door. He pulled on his invisibility cloak, and Draco followed close behind him, opening up the door and shoving past the fourth year Ravenclaw standing with a stick up his arse.
But then, the overwhelming urge came so fast, Draco grabbed him by his shirt, pulled him out of the bathroom, and rushed inside, collapsing on the toilet and puking. Immediately, he felt someone at his side, and he highly doubted it was the Ravenclaw.
He heaved several more times, wishing Harry would just go away, but instead, Harry helped him up, which looked strange because he was invisible, but neither of them really cared.
"Gross," the Ravenclaw complained as Draco wiped his mouth.
"Don't rush me next time," Draco spat back, and he felt a cleaning spell take over his teeth. A foreign warmth filled his chest. Harry was so amazing. So good at taking care of him. The thought made Draco choke up as he guided him miserably back to his train seat.
"Are you okay," Harry, asked, low.
"The train and... I'm just dizzy."
"Mate, you okay," Blaise repeated.
"Fine," Draco swallowed. Harry took the inner seat, while Draco sat on the outside. "Say hi to Harry."
Both Blaise and Pansy froze. "Hey," Pansy said awkwardly.
"Nice to see you, too."
"I thought you weren't doing the 'sitting in the snake pit thing again.'"
"Apparently not," Draco answered for him. Harry took his hand under the table and squeezed it. Draco knew he was smiling under that damned cloak, and the thought almost made him smile, but a girl walked up to him and the overwhelming urge to vomit came back.
"Are we supposed to hang out now?" Astoria stood in her uniform already, her hair up in a tight bun.
"No. Go away."
Still, she stood there, and then she turned to Blaise and Pansy. "These are your friends."
"Yes. Go away."
"May I take a seat."
"No. Go away."
Still, she sat down, causing Draco to scoot over, Harry squished against the wall before he had to practically stand up and sit on Draco's lap. Not that Harry complained.
"I know how awkward this is, with everything being so sudden but I thought I'd like to get to know you before—"
"No, not awkward," Pansy interrupted quickly. "Actually, I'd like to get to know you better. We should sit together."
"Why don't we all sit here?"
"Girl on girl chat," Pansy's voice was rushed and filled with panic. She stood, grabbed Astoria's hand, and guided her to another seat.
"Who the hell was that," Harry whispered.
"Greengrass's little sister. My mother invited people over during the holidays so we didn't have to be alone." The lie made him gag. "She thinks because Daphne's in our year that we're supposed to be friends." Blaise looked him in the eye, a solemn look on his face.
Draco put a hand on Harry's thigh, stroking it to distract him. "Oh," Harry whispered. "We should stay sitting like this."
Draco wanted to argue. He wanted to scream at Harry to go sit back with his stupid friends and leave him alone, because if Harry ever found out...
He didn't finish that thought.
Instead, he enjoyed Harry on his lap. He enjoyed his smell, the warmth of his body on top of him, happy when Harry took his hand because he knew it well in his core: This was the last time they'd share a train ride together.
————————————————
The poison made it past security and sat in Draco's sock drawer until the beginning of February, when he finally had the guts to do anything with it.
He chose the night where the snow fell the hardest so the castle was still and quiet, everyone huddling for warmth, just like he and Harry had in the Room of Requirement for the previous days. Those dates had gone normally, though there was a lot of rest and exhaustion. Harry thought he was sick.
Draco was sick.
He knew he should have been working on the cabinet more often in January, but he had the poison, and figured Dumbledore would be dead from it—why waste the few months he had with Harry left?
"Alohomora," he whispered, the spell unlocking Slughorn's door despite the mental pleas for it not to.
The click of the lock and creek of the door opening. The professors office was humble and warm, especially for a Slytherin, but he still felt a queasy sensation overcome him.
Draco's legs went numb and he couldn't feel his feet carry him, but somehow he reached his destination: a wine cabinet. With shaky hands he unlatched the handle and pulled the door open. There were bottles upon bottles of various alcohols some of which Draco had never heard of. His eyes scanned the area until they stopped dead at a priceless sherry with a red tag with the words 'To Albus' in black ink.
With a gulp of his own saliva, Draco reached for the bottle and grabbed the cork. It took a few tries for his hands were clammy and sweaty, but he eventually loosened the top. He shakily grabbed the small vial in his pocket and unscrewed the cap. Slowly, Draco raised the poison to the top and attempted to pour it in but his hands were too unstable.
"Damn it," he muttered before bursting into tears, "why can't I do this!"
He could hear his fathers voice, in his head, taunting him. You don't have the guts. You're just a coward. He echoed throughout his mind. His voice grew louder and louder, repeating that line over, coward, coward, until Draco dug his nails into the wood of the table.
A second voice came into the mix.
Don't do it Draco. You're not that type of person.
Harry.
Don't be a coward, Draco, Lucius took away from the wonderful voice.
"No! Harry. Go back to Harry," Draco begged as he shut his eyes and focused on his thoughts.
He can't save you. No one can save you. His laugh echoed through his head, driving him completely mad. Do it, Draco.
"Fine!" He reached his breaking point, grabbing the glass vial once more and slamming the tip of the bottle to it before raising the end, letting the clear liquid slip down the neck. Without a second thought he whacked the cork on the top and practically threw it on the shelf where it belonged, sprinting out the door with hot tears rolling down his face.
Wiping water drops off his face furiously, a hand covered his eyes and another pulled him back behind an alcove.
"Let me go! Leave me alone! I didn't do it!" Draco screamed as a first resort to freedom, but the hand wrapping around his stomach was now covering his mouth.
The scent was familiar, and the feel of Harry's body brought some calmness to him. "Sorry, didn't mean to be all kidnappy. Just didn't want Hough catching us."
"What are you doing?" Draco's heartbeat was loud in his ears.
"Stewart Hough."
"What about him?"
"I'm just... I'm checking something." Harry began walking, but then Draco took his arm and forced him to look him dead I the eye. Harry folded under his stare. "There's a Death Eater at Hogwarts."
Draco had never felt such an surge of anxiety flow through his veins. "W-What do you mean?"
"I... I don't know for certain but there've been rumors about it. I heard it on the train when I was coming to see you, but I didn't mention it because you looked so sick and I didn't want to stress you out."
Draco held for a few seconds. "Who's you hear it from?"
"In passing. I think third years."
"It could be paranoia coming from their parents."
"I know," Harry said. "But people aren't attending and I just thought... I meant they've been trying so hard to get into Hogwarts, and not everyone here is trustworthy."
"So you're following him because?"
"The seventh years, since they're of age."
"You think he's a Death Eater?"
"I dunno. I'm trying to find out."
"How often do you do this?"
"I have since the start of term. Just checking my map for suspicious behavior. Stewart seems to stray from his prefects post. It's weird. Do you know who it is? Honestly? Do you?"
"No," Draco's throat tightened. "No I promise. I don't know of any seventh years..." He held his hands close to his chest, playing with his fingers, ready to fall apart. Like everything in the world was too much. The light from the fire and the sound of Harry's voice, and the thought of there being a death eater at Hogwarts.
"Have you heard anything suspicious?"
"No. I never hang out with seventh years."
"Would you tell me if you did?" Draco began pacing, his eyes watering as his breath became shallow. "Draco?"
"What if they capture you?"
Harry stood, taken aback. "I wouldn't let that happen. I have too much fight in me."
"They could kidnap you. They could kill you right now."
"Are you okay," Harry noticed his panic.
"They could be following you. They could be following us right now! They could kidnap you. They could disarm you and hunt you—"
"Draco—"
"-What if they find out how much I care about you? What if they use me to torture you?"
"Draco, breathe."
"They're going to kill me to get to you. Don't listen to them! Don't cave, I'm not worth your lfe—"
"Draco, calm down," Harry held his shoulder and spoke abruptly louder.
"They're going to find out! We-We can't hang out. The Dark Lord is going to kill you! I can't be the reason he gets to you."
"Hey," Harry's grip fell short as Draco put his hands to his face, his breathing so rapid, he couldn't keep up with it. "Just breathe. You just need to breathe."
"He's going to kill you. He's going to kill me." Draco leant back against the stone wall, heaving, with tears pouring down his cheeks. His chest was so tight, it was like his organs were being held behind prison bars.
"Shh shh shh. Everything's okay. We're going to be okay."
It took several breaths for Draco to be able to talk again. "There's a Death Eater! We're not going to be okay! T-They torture people and kill innocents, and they're going after you. They'll rip you to pieces and feed them to his snake—"
"It's not going to happen."
"They're in our walls! We're all going to die. The world is going to fall apart! They're going to kill you!"
"I'm okay. You're okay. We're okay." Harry didn't touch him, but stood next to him, respecting his space. Draco couldn't speak anymore, and instead tried focusing on his breathing. His body was shaking, and it was as if everything in the world came crashing down on him at once.
It took several minutes, but his breath then seemed to calm down. The dread was still there, but it was battling exhaustion, and he could lean into that tiredness to escape it. Finally, logic stepped back into his brain: Draco was the Death Eater. There was no one else, unless it was a secret. But Draco sat in on meetings. He would know if there was another Death Eater. And logic knew that.
"It's okay. No body is going to hurt us." Harry was right. There were no other Death Eaters. Draco hadn't let them in yet. No one knew about them that would harm them. "Do you want to go to the Room of Requirement?"
Draco gave a nod and Harry put his invisibility cloak around them, though Draco had to scrunched down as they walked past prefects.
By time they reached the Room of Requirement, the tightness in his chest released and he was left with sore muscles and a hoarse voice.
They entered their usual room. Draco sat on the edge of the bed while Harry went to a counter top. "Let me get you some tea."
He arrived back to Draco within a moment, a steaming cup in his hands. "What are you going to do to Hough?"
"What do you mean?"
"When you catch him?" Draco took the cup and blew the steam away.
"Do you know it's him?"
"No. But whoever's the Death Eater. What are you going to do to them?"
"I..." Harry furrowed his brows and reached out to take his hand and stroke his fingers. "We don't have to talk about this now. You're obviously bothered by it."
"No, it's fine. I-I want to know you'll take care of it. You'll make us all safe."
Harry debated another few seconds. "I'm going to disarm him and turn him into Dumbledore. He'll go to Azkaban." Then he bit his lip. "Drink some tea, relax. You look so anxious. Shh, it's okay."
"He'll break out of Azkaban," Draco's words sped out of his mouth. "My father did. Bellatrix did. They all did. That's a bad plan."
"I dunno what else to do. Get him to Fudge... He'll meet with me."
"But then he'd go to Azkaban and then he'd break out."
"I don't know what else to do. What do you think I should do?"
Draco took several breaths. "Let him go. The punishment the Death Eaters will give him because he failed... He'll probably be killed for it. Or his family will be tortured or vise versa or everything. He'll probably watch his family get tortured and then they'll kill them right in front of his eyes and then they'll make him live with it. That'll be torture enough.
"I can't have empathy for Death Eaters."
He froze. "I must be going mad."
"Why?"
"I never thought I'd hear you say something like that. I thought Death Eaters were human beings too."
"Six families over two weeks murdered because of their blood status. My parents are dead because of Voldemort. My god father. All the abuse I endured for years from the Dursleys. You think I'm going to invite Hough in for a cup of tea because I represent the good side."
Draco surrendered. If he hadn't just had a panic attack and been so exhausted, he'd probably throw up. He thanked his numbness for his calm response. "Sorry. That was stupid of me to suggest anything better."
"Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm going to kill them, I don't want to. I want justice served, and maybe if I didn't think about all the families who died over the holiday, I'd prefer they have a court date and a sentence, but why not let Hough suffer the consequences of his choice while our justice system is failing."
"What if he didn't have a choice?" Draco's heart beat in his ears so loud, he could barely hear Harry.
He took several breaths, staring at the floor. "I don't know if that matters at this point. I mean, how many people don't know what they're getting into?"
"Yeah, but what if it isn't a choice. What if someone forces the,? It's the only way to stay alive."
Harry swallowed. "Your have to ask me on a better day."
"That doesn't sound like the Harry I know."
"I watched Sirius get murdered before my eyes," Harry's voice turned dangerous. "Don't get me wrong, I'd love for the world to be happy sunshine and flowers everywhere, but it isn't... And I shouldn't have to want everyone to be treated beautifully all the time. With everything I've been through, and how good I've been... what have I gotten out of being good and nice and sweet all the time?" Draco stared wide-eyed at him. "Sorry, I'm being an arse. I can't help it. I keep having nightmares about it. It's just... exhausting being good all the time. Is it wrong that I want someone to suffer if they've done bad things? Maybe suffer like me for once."
"Maybe they're already suffering and you don't know it."
Harry bit his lip, and the darkness seemed to dissipate from his eyes. "I had them before, panic attacks. A few times with the Dursleys. And after Voldemort came back in fourth year. When Sirius died."
"What do you do to calm yourself down? Premediate murder?"
Harry gave a small, breathy laugh. "No. I think of you holding me. I think of my friends and good things. And it might not make it stop immediately, but it helps ground me."
Draco nodded, tears welling in his eyes. "I'm so sick of being this stressed out all the time. I can't live like this anymore, I'm going mad."
"Why are you so stressed?" Harry turned warm, and inched closer to him, but Draco didn't want him near his arm. But he tried not to let it get to his head and he ignored the real Harry, instead thinking him as the version he had in his head: Harry was all the goodness in the world.
Draco took a sip of tea, the warmth helping him a bit. "I worry all the time. About everything. I just wish I knew if this was going to work out in the end."
Harry gave a solemn smile. "Wouldn't that be the most wonderful thing. Is there anything I can do to help you?"
"I just want to sleep."
Harry nodded, sitting next to him on the bed. Draco drank his tea and Harry stroked his back. Once he finished, they crawled into the bed and Harry wrapped his arm around him. The candles dimmed and the night took over.
Draco couldn't stand the silence, because silence meant he could think on his own without interruption. "What are you thinking about?"
"Our two year anniversary is next week. A year ago we were in the girls bathroom fantasizing about it, eating chocolate cake."
Draco could feel Harry's smile in the dark. Draco sniffed. "I can't believe it's been a year."
"I know."
"At this rate, we'll never break up." Draco couldn't stop himself from giving a choked laugh. Harry turned sharply to him. "What?"
He swallowed, his stomach burning again. He suppressed the urge to puke. How fucking silly of Harry. Of course they would. "I just can't believe we've lasted so long."
Harry took a deep breath, dropping his tight face. "I know it's stupid of me to even think... especially with everything going on and how stressed you've been... us falling asleep next to each other. But every night. And waking up next to each other, every day. Like this. Well, without the panic and fear that Voldemort could literally get inside these walls at any moment." Fuck. Draco's lower lip quivered as Harry kept talking. "I don't know if this war will end in my lifetime, I hope it does. But sometimes I just dream of what it would be like to have a year or two without any of this going on, like it's all over and everyone is happy. And no matter how many times I try to think you would move on and we wouldn't be together, I can't see anything else than you and I waking up in a bed next to each other every day."
"I don't think it's stupid." Draco said.
"Do you ever dream about what it would be like?"
"The war being over and Death Eaters?"
"Marrying me. But yeah, but them gone, too."
Draco felt the panic come up again, but then it dissipated at the calming thoughts, and he let himself think. "It would be a privilege to marry you." The idea of you.
"Do you think we'd make it?"
Draco let a few moments pass. "I know it in my core that we would."
"We've been fighting."
"It's the war. You know it's the war. If I weren't me and you weren't you, we'd get along perfectly. Remember that." Draco swallowed. "Do you want to marry me?"
"If you asked me... I'd say yes." His voice came gentle and delicate into the darkness of the night.
Draco rolled over. "Is that just because of the sex?"
Harry laughed. "Yes. The only reason is because I want to shag you and then we'll get a divorce. The fact that I love you and you make me happy has no contribution whatsoever."
Draco laughed and then rolled into his pillow. "If you asked, I'd say yes, too."
Harry's smile was soft as he grabbed hold of Draco's wedding finger, pretending what it would be like. "I do."
Draco whispered back, "I do. You may now kiss the groom."
Harry gave a light chuckle before kissing Draco on the lips. Then, they gave small, happy huffs. "Are we just being stupid teenagers?"
"Not only stupid. Cheesy, too." Silence passed as Draco reached out and tucked hair behind Harry's ear.
Several moments of silence passed as Harry hesitated, and then whispered. "How come you've never told me you love me? You'd say yes to marriage, but you won't tell me you love me back."
It felt like a dagger in more places than one. Color ran from Draco's face. "We're being stupid teenagers, Harry, don't... think too much into this."
"Our two year anniversary is in a week. I get I can't control you, but... I-I deserve to know if you do." Harry swallowed, suddenly insecure. "I think you do, but I don't want to put words in your mouth."
Draco opened his eyes. "Because... if I put it out in the universe, then the universe will take you away from me."
Harry frowned. "You don't have to be afraid of being in love with me."
"You're not the problem. The universe is."
"That's a sad way to live, being afraid of the universe."
"It's the only way I can right now."