The herbs become a twice-daily routine. My mother and Prim leave me to think about Gale while they prepare the herbs for me. After a day or so, my mother tells me I can sleep. I greatfully accept the fact and fall asleep almost instantly.
The oblivion-like state that I enter would have soothed me, if not for things called nightmares. Every time I fall asleep, an image of the Games appears in my mind. More often than not, it's a combination of me watching Peeta and Rue die, and of the people who I hurt. The mutts always scare me silly, I can't stand to think about them.
"Katniss," my mother calls softly from the entrance to the kitchen.
I open my eyes. "Yeah?"
"Gale's here."
I nod, an indication to my mother that I'm ready to see him. My hair is probably a wreck, and I don't smell all that nice. After all, I haven't done anything but lay on the couch for the past three days.
When Gale enters the room, I smell the earth on him. It's so nice and calming, almost like I'm back in the woods again. "Hey," he says.
"Hey."
Gale walks over and sits on the couch, lifting my feet up to put on his lap. I sit up and move closer to him. We just sit there for a moment, saying nothing. Then I finally bring up the courage to break the heavy silence.
"Do you understand?" Gale turns to look at me.
"Understand what?" his voice is so cold it physically hurts me.
"Do you understand why I had to act that way towards Peeta? Did you ever realize that it was fake?" Gale almost look shocked for a moment before he turns his face away from me.
"Katniss, maybe you thought it was fake, but he sure didn't."
"I- I know that now. . ." Gale looks at me again.
"What do you mean, 'now'?"
"I mean that before I went onstage for the final ceremony, Haymitch told me that Peeta loved me. Honestly, I had no idea. I don't really know how to feel anymore. But Gale, you act as though you hate me now, and I just don't underst-"
"I don't hate you, Katniss," Gale cuts me off. He puts his hand under my chin and lifts my face to his. "I don't know how to feel, either."
I can see the emotions behind his eyes. How much I hurt him, how much he still needs and wants me. But then it's cut off as he replaces his warm eyes with his steely ones that are nearly impossible to read. "Gale, don't cut me off," I whisper.
"Okay," his eyes soften again, but only a little bit. "Katniss?" he asks after a while.
"What?" I say looking away.
But Gale doesn't say anything. I look back at him, about to ask him what he wanted again, but he beat me.
Gale brought himself down to me and kissed my lips. He was warm, firm and strong. But he was also rough, so unlike Peeta.
"Why am I comparing him to Peeta? What are you doing, Katniss?" I think to myself as I close my eyes.
I feel like I should pull away, like I should run away, but I can't. It's physically not possible for me to do. So instead, I open my eyes and press my lips together, hard.
Gale pulls away from me. He just sits up and stares. I blink. He blinks. Then he stands up, and walks to the door before turning around and saying, "Was it only real for him, or did you feel something too?" I wasn't given an opportunity to respond though, seeing as he left without looking back at me.
My stomach churns, over and over again. What exactly just happened? I don't think I'll ever really understand Gale, not now. Not after the Games, not after what I put him through. I try to think back as to why I had tried to protect him from seeing Peeta and me 'together,' I wonder why I was so hesitant to kiss Peeta because of him. I've never felt emotionally attached to Gale like I love him. I didn't think that he did, either. . . .
"Katniss?" Prim pops her head in through the doorway.
I force a smile onto my face and say, "What is it, little duck?"
Prim giggle and glides over to me, planting herself right up next to me. She lays he head on my shoulder and says, "Gale said that you should get better soon, so on Sundays you two can go hunting again."
"Today is Sunday, isn't it?" I ask. Prim nods. "Well how have you been in school? Have you kept your grades up? I should've asked you that as soon as I got back to the district, but I guess it slipped my mind. . . ."
"Katniss," Prim looked straight into my eyes, "How did it feel?"
For a moment, I'm taken aback. I don't understand what she's asking, but then I realize she must be talking about the Games. I sigh and pull her into a tight hug. "Horrible. I'm so glad you didn't have to go through that, Prim. I couldn't have been able to watch. I'm just so glad you're here, and I'm here, and our mother is coming back to us."
I can feel Prim's warm tears seeping into my shirts' fibers, but I don't care. She squeezes me harder. "Don't ever leave again, Katniss," she whispers.
"I swear I won't. Not without you."
"And mom?"
"And mom, of course."
Now I feel tears rolling down my face. My chest feels heavier, but I don't know why. Prim and I stay there for what seems like hours before she asks:
"Did you love Peeta?"
I slowly pull out of the hug and look at her. She's grown so much, I can't believe it. For a moment, I fel unbelievably old before thinking of how to answer her question that seemed so simple.
"I have no idea. I don't have a straight answer for that," I whisper.
"He sure loved you, Katniss. He wanted you to live, I just know it. I think that was his goal all along. That story he told you? About the first day of school? That wasn't just a story Katniss, he was telling you how he really felt. He loved you, and he always will."
Something in the way Prim's eyes reflected the light from the window, or something in her words, or something entirely different set me off. My tears grew steadily stronger, but they were silent. Prim holds me close as my body begins to gently shake, and she comforts me by saying, "Shh, Katniss, it will all be okay. Everything will be fine."
By the time my tears began to slow and my lungs could be filled to their full capacity, the visible light from outside had grown dimmer. It's as if someone threw a giant cloth over the world, and the only light that can get through could only reach the earth through small mesh holes that coat the cloth.
I slowly rise from the couch and walk to the window. As I stare upon the town, small raindrops start to fall, touching everything in the district. I look toward the sky and know that the rain is happening for a reason. There's a reason it's raining here, a reason it's raining now. Maybe it's Peeta crying with me, for me, for . . . himself. Maybe he's throwing a party and one of the plentiful drinks that scatter the tables spilled. Maybe there are some flowers in the district that almost lost the hope of surviving until this very moment when they see their savior, when the find their own boy with bread.
I smile to myself as I the thought of Peeta feeding flowers with mouths small chunks of bread that is slightly burnt on the outside and bottom. I walk to the door and turn around, my eyes meet Prim's.
"Care to go for a walk with me?" I ask.
Prim nods and runs off to grab our jackets, an umbrella, and tell our mother where we're going.
"Be careful, you two!" our mother calls as Prim rushes up to me.
I thank her for my jacket and slide the shiny material onto my arms. The material makes me cold at first, but with every passing second, the coat grew warmer with my body heat. I open the door and step outside, breathing in the cool, fresh air. I sigh, and wait for Prim to open the umbrella.
The rain is steadily pouring now. The drinks must all be toppling over, one by one, and there must not be enough towels to soak it all up. I step off the porch while Prim still struggles with the umbrella.
"Hey, Katniss! Where are you going? I've got to open this first!" Prim calls at my back.
"We've never had one before. Rain won't kill you, it will clean you, little duck. Come on, you'll be fine," I flash Prim a smile that she returns.
"Fine," she says through her smile. She runs to my side and together we head off toward the center of the district.