Chapter Twenty-Eight
"If you punch that thing any harder, you're going to bust a hole in it and Tristan's already done that twice since he got here."
I twitched, but didn't let up on the blows I delivered to the swinging black punching bag dangling from the rafters. I ignored Hannibal's voice behind me, ignored the burn in my knuckles and the fact that the bandages around my hands were now saturated in blood. I swung back and knocked the bag clear into the air and it came flying back, but this time, I didn't have the chance to strike it as Hannibal moved to catch it and steady it, getting between me and the bag.
He stared me down with those intense mismatched eyes, a frown furrowing his brows and lips pressing into a thin line. His long black hair was held back from his face in a perky ponytail, and he wore a skin tight black tank top and sweatpants, a towel draped around his neck. He'd probably just come from the weight room where I was sure he was spending time with Raven.
Now that I'd stepped away from the damn punching bag, though, I realized the others in the gym were staring at us. Tristan in particular was watching with narrowed eyes, his fists clenching and unclenching. Something told me he wanted to kick the shit out of me and the mood I was in, I was almost too happy to accept that challenge.
"Get out of my way," I told Hannibal gruffly, moving to get around him, but he dodged and blocked me again, making me glare at him.
"Menoetius, you've been here for the past two days from six in the morning until closing time."
I didn't answer him, just glared. Because it really wasn't any of his business why I was here. When he'd asked me the first day why I was in so early, my excuse had worked-- I was here to get back into shape. Atlan wasn't going to sit around and wait patiently while I bulked back up. It was partially the truth anyway.
The other reason was the fact that I was disgusted in myself. I'd completely fucked it up with Arikos and while he kept insisting we were okay, that he was okay with having cut things off where we did, I didn't believe any of it and I hated myself for not having finished.
The fact of the matter was that I was a coward.
I couldn't swallow my own problems long enough to make Arikos's world better. I owed him everything, more than just my ass, for everything he'd done for me and the fact that he loved me... I owed him more than just my loyalty and affection. He deserved more than just my soul and my heart, battered though they were. He deserved... well, not my body in particular considering it was a trash heap in its own right, but he deserved to be loved the way a normal person was loved.
And I couldn't even give him that, and I was supposed to be good at it after Tiberius had taught me everything.
Another shot of rage rushed through my veins and it took every ounce of control I had not to break Hannibal's neck to get to the punching bag. Instead, I took a step back, afraid I might actually cave into the urge.
"I really, really do not want to talk to you right now." My words went right over his head, because instead of just letting me go over to the weight room, he dogged me every step of the way.
"I'm not going to ask you about your personal life," Hannibal told me as I unwrapped the bandages from my hands, "I just don't want you to rip yourself apart before the battle's even started, Menoetius." I snorted at that as I tossed the bandages in a nearby trash can and pushed open the door that led to the weight room, spotting an empty bench and heading over. The entire time, Hannibal followed me. The only other person in the weight room was Zeke, on the strange contraption Hannibal had told me was called an elliptical. As soon as he saw us come in, however, and Hannibal shot him a glare, Zeke cleared his throat, shut the machine off and walked out whistling a strange tune.
"I'm fine, just on edge," I told Hannibal through clenched teeth, resisting the urge to pick the weights up and throw them at his head, "War does that to you."
"So does personal stress and right now, as much as I would rather have you bench pressing six times your weight, you need to deal with whatever it is that has you tearing up our equipment," Hannibal said sternly, putting his hand on the weight in my hand, forcing me to lower it back onto the peg. I shot him a cold glare, backing off.
"Sorry for breaking your precious equipment. I'll just go to another gym if it pisses you off so much--"
"Fuck the equipment," Hannibal said, making me pause halfway to the door to leave, "I'm... I'm pissed about whatever it is that's pissing you off. I don't know. Talk, Menoetius." I ground my teeth together so hard that it was a miracle they didn't shatter. I flexed my hands at my sides, savoring the burn and sting of the bruises and cuts on my knuckles.
I didn't particularly want to talk to Hannibal about my issue with Arikos. While a logical part of me knew Hannibal could probably relate in someway, I definitely didn't like the idea of talking about such a closed topic with my own brother, a brother who had just begun to use that title with me. I didn't want to ruin my relationship with Hannibal over something that was entirely my fault. Odds were he'd be furious I'd even tried to have sex with Arikos.
While Hannibal may have begun to accept me, there was no chance in hell he'd ever accept the fact that someone like me was with his favorite cousin. And he'd be right in thinking so. Over the past couple days, I couldn't stop the angry inner voices telling me that this was all wrong, that I was wrong for even trying to be normal, wrong for even trying to have a relationship, and wrong for pretending I was good enough for any of this.
I wasn't good enough for Arikos, I never would be. I knew that. Arikos didn't deserve to be stuck with someone like me. Someone who couldn't even kiss right. Someone who had no talent in anything that didn't involve bloodshed. Arikos was too good of a person to be trapped with someone like me, and his constant reassurances just scared me even more and I hated myself for being afraid.
What was I afraid of? Being alone? My entire life had been loneliness. It was only now that I was beginning to let people in and part of me knew, expected, waited, for everyone to start turning against me. What if Arikos eventually got bored waiting for me and just left? What if Hannibal got fed up with my baggage? What if Arikos got fed up with my baggage? Hell's fucking bells, it was only a matter of time before I was alone again and the anticipation of it was killing me inside.
And even worse, I'd probably sped up the whole process by not having sex with Arikos.
He didn't want damaged goods.
He didn't deserve damaged goods.
Arikos was too good for that.
I wiped a hand down my face, keeping my back to Hannibal as I reached up to rake my hands through my hair. I didn't know what to say to Hannibal, and gods fucking knew he wouldn't leave me alone until I said something, but what could I say to him?
"Arikos told me you've been avoiding him," Hannibal said after the longest time, and I stiffened for a moment, then turned partway to look at him warily, watching him frown and fold his arms over his chest, "He's worried about you, Menoetius. Really worried. He shouldn't have to worry about you. I'm not asking you to discuss the details with me. That's between you and Arikos. I want to know what happened." He paused, taking a deep breath before moving over to one of the benches to sit down. He gestured to the one across from him and I sighed, brushing another hand through my hair out of nervous habit before I went to the bench to sit.
"The other day when you showed up, you looked like you had everything under control," Hannibal said, making me frown and avert my eyes, "Okay, not everything, because not everything is always gonna be under your control and I know that fucking sucks. My point is, you seemed to have things figured out. I've never seen you relax around a person like you do with Arikos. You even let him touch you and you almost bit Akin's head off for trying to shake your hand when you first met. Now, you won't even look at him and I get that maybe whatever is going on in your head isn't necessarily hurtful toward Arikos, he's getting hurt. He doesn't say anything about it and he still has that shit-eating grin on his face, but he's hurting."
Of fucking course. Even when I was trying not to hurt Arikos, I hurt him. I couldn't be graceful about this sort of thing. I should've just swallowed my fear and let Arikos continue. What was the point in not doing it anyway? It was going to happen sooner or later. Sooner or later, we were going to have to have sex and while there was an honest to god part of me that wanted to do it, that wanted to make Arikos happy and feel wonderful, another part of me was petrified of it.
The idea of Arikos turning his back to me when it was over scared me. The idea of him being disappointed or figuring out that my body was disgusting scared me to death. I didn't want him to look at me the way everyone else did. I didn't want him to reject me because I wasn't worthy.
But I expected it.
Because it happened every time.
Even Atlan had turned away from me in the end and left me there in pain and went to sleep. Because it didn't matter that it hurt or that I wanted to go slower. Maybe it was wrong of me to want that, and I understood, but couldn't just once someone be okay with it? I wouldn't mind doing it the regular way any other time, but slow just once. I wanted to know what it felt like to feel that peak, that explosive ending I'd seen everyone else have.
You're disgusting.
I flinched at that inner thought, rubbing at the insides of my arms, suddenly feel pressured and hot, so I stood up and paced. Hannibal's eyes watched me the entire time and it made me feel even worse. Even though his expression was devoid of emotion and his eyes were calm and patient, a part of me wondered if he knew the details and just wasn't saying anything and he perfectly understood why Arikos and I couldn't do it.
"I'll suck it up," I said at last, stopping to glance at Hannibal, watching him frown, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt Arikos. I'm just trying to figure out how to handle things. I'm... Fuck, Hannibal, I'm not good at this. How can you possibly be so comfortable with Akin? How can you let him do the things he does to you? Don't you feel like shit? Don't you feel used?" Everything came flooding out before I could stop it and I pressed the heels of my palms against my eyes, frustrated at letting that all spill out. Heat spread to my face and I turned around.
"You don't have to answer that. That was stupid. It's none of my business." And it wasn't. Hannibal and I were two completely different people. Hannibal was perfect and beautiful and no matter what happened to him in the past, he was always going to be that way. He was always going to be strong and loved by everyone.
What the hell made me ask those stupid questions?
"Menoetius, stop," Hannibal commanded suddenly, making me blink and look up to see him watching me sternly, "Sit down. Stop pacing. First of all, you're going to walk yourself into oblivion doing that and you're just getting your heart rate up and it's making you panic more. Sit your ass down." I swallowed, then moved over and sat back down on the bench, still feeling antsy. I bounced my knee for a moment, then stopped when Hannibal glared at me. I clenched the bench with my fists as Hannibal leaned forward, his arms draped across his knees.
"Second of all, stop thinking for a second. Just listen. When I said Arikos was hurt, I didn't say that to make you feel bad. If I wanted to do that, I'd kick your ass in front of our teammates. I said it because I want you to know how much Arikos, you know, cares. He's scared for you, is my point."
"How is that not my fault," I asked dryly, shooting him a glare, "He wouldn't feel that way if I just sucked it up and quit acting like a fucking pansy. Besides, I don't want to talk about that with you. I know what I need to do and I'm going to do it. So just, stop." I stood up, and so did Hannibal, making me tense as he stared at me.
"What are you going to do? Force yourself to--"
"I've done it before," I snapped angrily, something in me snapping at his constant pushing, "I can do it again."
"That's not going to work," Hannibal started as I turned away from him, heading for the door again. I couldn't discuss this with him. It was just too uncomfortable. Not to mention, I couldn't compare Hannibal and I. Not by a long shot. I was wrong to do it.
"Menoetius, it's not going to work because I've tried it!" Hannibal barked abruptly, making me go still in front of the doors. I stared at them for a moment, debating whether to just walk out and leave, or turn back and face Hannibal. I clenched my teeth.
There you go again, running away. Like a fucking coward.
I gripped the doorframe, still wanting to take off out that door, but I was so tired of running and ducking and dodging, and all I'd wanted with Hannibal was to be closer to him, even if it wasn't the way I had dreamed in the past. If we could be real brothers, that would be okay with me.
And now Hannibal was trying. He was trying to talk to me. I just wished we'd chosen a different topic, like fucking sports or food. Not this.
I pushed off the doorframe and turned to look at him, grinding my teeth so hard it hurt. Hannibal's face was completely stoic. Even so, there was a pain in his eyes that stabbed me right in the gut and made me feel guilty for having almost walked out on him when he'd revealed something so personal-- to me, of all people.
I took a deep breath and drifted back over, forcing myself to sit down on the bench again. Hannibal lowered himself down too. We sat in silence for a moment, looking anywhere, but at each other. We both weren't sure we wanted to make eye contact during this type of conversation. Were siblings even supposed to discuss things like this?
Sure, Atlas and the twins never had any problem talking about their sexual exploits. It was a miracle Atlas's detailed descriptions didn't make me impotent. But theirs were more about sexual conquests, victories in terms of being the ultimate male. None of mine were victorious. None of mine were spectacular tales of pleasure. Hannibal had his fair share of nightmares in that department, but he had Akin too. Akin, who was perfect and gentle and sweet and understanding, who loved him no matter what, who probably didn't hurt him. At least, not more than it was supposed to.
And sex with a male was most definitely different than Atlas's lengthy female companion list.
"You can't just," Hannibal started, then fell silent again. I glanced at him, then away with a frown, understanding the rest of his sentence without him having to repeat it.
You can't just lay there and let it happen.
But why not? If I could just learn to control my fucking mouth, my fucking body, I could lay there and let Arikos do whatever he wanted. I could watch him enjoy himself. I could make him happy.
"It's just not how it works," Hannibal said after another long moment. I frowned.
"Of course it does," I deadpanned. Hannibal took a deep breath, rubbing his hands against his face, like he wanted to hide, then gave up and dropped his arms back across his knees. He looked exhausted, and I could concur. This emotional discussion bullshit was wearing me out. I just wanted to go back to hitting things, but then, I suppose that didn't solve anything.
Yeah, but it feels good.
"It's not how it works," Hannibal said again, making me roll my eyes, but I said nothing as he studied the floor, as if all the words he wanted to say were embedded in the marbled tiles, "You can't just... force yourself, Menoetius. You have to want it."
"I do," I said flatly, and the look Hannibal gave me would've been comical if it didn't piss me off so much, "I do. There's no problem with how my body reacts. It's fine."
"There's a huge difference between mind and body, Menoetius. You know that as well as I do. Your body may say one thing, but your mind says another. Sometimes your mind really, really does not want to do something, but your body says otherwise." I didn't say anything in response to that. Because I knew it was the truth. I didn't want anything those people had done to me. I didn't want to do it with Atlan, wanted nothing more than to just fucking give up and die. But I had to, because that's what life was. Sucking it up and getting over it.
"It doesn't matter what I want," I said at last, watching Hannibal's frown deepen, "This is about Arikos."
"You can't just tap out," Hannibal argued, "In case you haven't noticed, you need two bodies to do the job."
"I know that. I'm saying--"
"I know what you're saying," Hannibal said bitterly, making me frown and look up at him again, but he was looking back at the floor, his expression almost faraway, "Because it's exactly the same thing I told myself in the beginning. It's not about you, it's about the other person. As long as they like it, that's all that's important. As long as you keep them happy, that is all you could ever possibly want. Even if it means hurting yourself. Unfortunately, there's a reason that other person is... is really special. Because they know exactly what you're telling yourself and they want to make you stop thinking like that, but you can't stop, because that's all you've taught yourself. That's all you've been taught." I didn't say anything. Just stared. Because he'd hit the nail on the head and it gave me chills to think of Hannibal having that mindset.
It was miserable and cold and lonely. It was so strong that sometimes, the strength to stand up and walk around and pretend things are normal, it's just too much.
But it was so hard not to. It was like he said; your entire life was based on the way you were raised, the way other people talked to you, the way you learned to cope with everything. I couldn't think of a single time Clymene had looked at me and called me her son. I couldn't think of a single time Iapetus held me the way he held Prometheus or Epimetheus. I couldn't think of a time someone looked at me and genuinely smiled and told me they loved me.
Except Arikos.
And he'd completely thrown off everything I'd learned about myself and the world around me. Everything I thought I knew, I realized I knew nothing about. I was being exposed to something new and foreign and I wanted it so badly I could taste it, but I didn't trust it to be real, didn't trust it to last.
It was more than just having sex with Arikos.
I was terrified of being in love. The last time I'd loved someone, it'd come back around and hit me in the face. The last time someone treated me with respect, I'd found out it was just a huge plot to get me into bed with them, physically and mentally. And I'd never felt more dirtier than ever from the amount of hands that had touched me. What self-loathing I'd had before had grown exponentially in the past few months and I was suffocating from it. I didn't want to build all that up and have it torn back down again.
I wouldn't be able to take it.
I wouldn't be able to find it in me to care about anything anymore and that scared me too.
"Akin and I have been together just over two decades," Hannibal murmured, making me blink and stare at him in surprise, "In the two decades we've been together, he's never once used the power he has over me to hurt me or abuse me or make me feel like shit. And we tried to do things the way everyone else does it. We tried to be everyone else's version of normal. But, Menoetius, take it from me that normal is fucking boring."
"Not if you've never had it," I muttered. Hannibal shook his head.
"The definition of normal depends on you and the person you want to share it with. What Akin and I have is normal. It's our normal. I like our normal. Akin likes our normal. It's comfortable. It's safe. It's fun. It's different."
"How am I supposed to do that when normal for me is..." My voice trailed, unsure how to word it, not sure if I wanted to word it. Because, honestly, normal for me was being alone. Normal for me was having my dignity crammed so far down my throat, I was still choking on it.
"That's not what normal is supposed to be. Normal is supposed to be something you think is comfortable and safe. And it sounds to me like Arikos is that normal." I looked at Hannibal, then down at my hands.
"Arikos loves you," Hannibal said, and I swallowed at hearing someone else aside from Arikos say it out loud, "He was a wreck without you, and right now, you're a wreck without him. Don't let him get away from you, and don't make him chase you more than he already has. It's not going to be perfect, Menoetius, and there are going to be days you still want to end it all, right here, right now. But at least you won't be suffering alone anymore." I blinked hard to chase back the burning behind my eyes, reaching up to rub my face before taking a deep breath and getting to my feet.
"Goddamn, it's fucking weird to have you sitting here and giving me advice on this," I admitted. Hannibal gave me a droll stare.
"Tell me about it," he replied, then his expression became serious, "Think about what I said. I don't like wasting my breath." I rolled my eyes, but silently appreciated his words. It felt good to finally say something about it, which was strange considering I didn't want to talk about it in the first place, especially with Hannibal. Though, there was one last question I wanted to ask, and it was awkward as fuck, so I eyed the door to prepare for a quick exit.
"One last thing," I said, making Hannibal glance up, but I kept my eyes on the door, "Does... I mean... Is there anything to make it..." Fuck, how the hell was I supposed to word that? Of course it was supposed to hurt, but was there a way to make it less painful? Pills? Something to numb me?
Hannibal stared at me blankly for a moment, then appeared to understand what I meant. He looked extremely uncomfortable as he stood up, rubbing at the back of his neck.
"It's not supposed to-- Uh. Tell Arikos."
"I'm telling you."
"Yeah, but I draw a line with how fucking detailed I get with my own brother."
"But you have no problem flaunting your collar," I deadpanned, staring at the strap of diamond studded leather around his dark throat. Hannibal cocked his head, tilting his chin up, almost in a prideful manner.
"Nope. Now go see Fiona about those hands. I don't want Arikos to come bitching at me because you have a shit temper," Hannibal said, pointing at my bloodied knuckles, which had begun to heal anyway. I shook my head and we departed from the weight room. Hannibal went to check on Tristan, who appeared to be having his own problems as he was pretty much destroying the rest of the punching bag I'd been using.
I went to Fiona's office just outside the training center for the Deliverance team. The moment I opened the door, I debated the sanity of this selkie person. She sat reclined in a big overstuffed chair, a pair of black shitkicker boots propped up on her desk, completely at odds with her pink sundress with a pastel blue floral design, her red curls bundled up in a bun on top of her head. She sat in front of several computer monitors, one of which appeared to show several colorful characters running around, killing each other.
As if that wasn't weird enough, the office was decorated with a variety of posters and advertisements for things I couldn't begin to understand. And not just because most of them were written in strange foreign languages I'd never seen before. I couldn't even recognize them from the characters, both in the language and in the colorful people waving or posing.
Suffice it to say, Fiona was much stranger than I originally thought.
I didn't need to say anything to grab her attention, however, because a second later, she glanced at me, then did a double-take and made a strangled cry that resulted in several male voices shouting loudly through speakers mounted on the wall.
"Baby!" She quickly tossed her keyboard back on the desk, snatched open a drawer, drew out a medical kit, and right when I thought she was going to go find a cat stuck in a tree somewhere, she grabbed me by the arm and hauled me into one of the blue glittery armchairs on the other side of her desk.
I grunted, then scowled as she scrambled through the box.
"What did you do to yourself? Oh my gosh, look at you," she exclaimed in horror, taking my hand with surprisingly gentle hands so she could carefully dab a cotton ball against my knuckles. I hissed through clenched teeth at the sting of the antiseptic, then frowned as she very delicately wrapped gauze around my knuckles.
"It's alright," I told her when she started to dig through the medical kit again, but Fiona shook her head and I frowned slowly when I realized she was trembling, her hazel green eyes were red, as if she were going to cry.
"Fiona?" I asked. She stopped, squeezing her eyes shut, then took a deep breath, then shocked me as she took my hand in both of hers, cupping it.
"I'm sorry about that," she said softly, looking sheepish, "I just. I'm really not good with blood. Especially when it's the blood of a comrade. It's kinda stupid, I know. It's why Hannibal never assigns me field work. I'm just the techy. And the nurse, apparently. Which wasn't a good idea, but Hannibal said it'd be a good way to introduce the gruesome part of the job to me. So. My bad. That was probably another, and definitely not last, horrible impression of me. And now I'm rambling. I'm sorry."
Okay. So maybe she wasn't strange. She was strangely endearing. I truly envied her innocence, and was shocked by the tender care behind her actions, and the honesty that seemed to bleed through her very pores. The woman was certainly an angel. Were all selkies this polite?
"It's fine," I said sincerely, then shocked myself when I felt the corners of my lips tilt in a smile, "Truly. I'm already healing and thanks to your prompt attending, I feel no pain." Fiona's cheeks tinted pink and she opened her mouth to speak when her eyes flicked to something at the door behind me, making me turn to see Tristan standing there. He didn't appear injured in the least, and his expression was so cold and savage that it was a miracle Fiona didn't flee at the sight of him.
Instead, she smiled sweetly.
"Hey, Tris, need something?" She asked. Tristan's eyes flicked to me for a moment, and Fiona appeared completely oblivious to the flare of hatred in his eyes when they locked on me. However, when Fiona got up, Tristan straightened, and his expression softened. Just a bit. Almost unnoticeable.
"Let me guess, something about Hannibal wanting the updated layout of Atlantis? Because I got that, baby. Give me one second," she said, then paused to look at me, "Are you okay, sweetie? You're sure you don't want me to kiss it better or five you like a superman band-aid?" When she said it, it wasn't the least bit condescending or mean. She was serious. I was stunned into silence for a moment until I heard a very low, distinct growl from behind me and I turned to Tristan, who was glaring daggers at me.
Ah, so that's how it was. Apparently Tristan decided to conveniently forget that Arikos and I were together.
As I left the room, watching Tristan's eyes go back to being glued to Fiona while she typed, as if he could think of nothing better than watching her all day, I realized something.
Arikos and I were together.
We were in a relationship.
The only reason I knew Tristan loved Fiona was the fact that that same look came across Arikos's face whenever he looked at me. Arikos loved me no matter how sullied I was, no matter how hesitant and awkward I was. He loved me as much as Tristan loved Fiona, or Akin loved Hannibal.
As much as I loved him.
Suddenly feeling apprehension at not having Arikos here when I suddenly felt confident about our relationship, I quickly took out the new cell phone I'd bought with Hannibal the day before. I hit a few numbers on the touch screen and held the phone to my ear, listening to the dull tone drone on and on, as if there was no end, and just when I was about to give up hope on him answering, I heard a click and Arikos's voice.
"Hey, baby, how's it goin'?" I closed my eyes for a moment, savoring the sound of his voice and the endearment I never thought I'd hear referring to me. I swallowed quickly, walking down the hallway toward the locker rooms, feeling desperate to get home.
"Are you at the apartment?" I asked. There was a short pause.
"Yeah, Akin's over, but he's about to meet up with Hannibal for lunch. Why?"
"I need you right now."
"Huh?"
"I need you. I really, really need you," I managed. The craving was intense. I needed to feel Arikos's hands on my skin, skin felt like it would go numb with cold if he wasn't there to warm me. I was overcome by an insane urgency to hold him in my arms and feel his soft perfect lips again.
"Oh," Arikos said softly after a moment, and I listened to his breath quicken, "Are you sure, Menoetius?"
"Please." My voice had gone hoarse and Arikos sucked in a sharp breath, the sound of it giving me goosebumps as I quickly snatched my clothes off.
"Where are you now?" Arikos asked.
"The locker room. I was going to shower and come over--"
"Don't shower. Just come over."
"I'm sweaty."
"Good," came Arikos's husky purr. A shiver tingled down my spine and I murmured a quick goodbye before hanging up and grabbing my duffelbag. I teleported from outside the training center, the walk from the locker room to the main gates where teleportation became allowed was ridiculously long. And the transfer from there to the apartment felt like it had taken years. I appeared on the top of the staircase, just outside the front door just as it was opening to reveal Akin stepping out.
Decked out in black loud pants that Arikos called tripp pants, with neon green suspenders hanging off the sides that matched the loose tank top under a black padded vest, Akin flashed me a secret smile when he came out and Arikos was standing right behind him in the doorway, watching me with eager hungry eyes.
"Well, I guess I'll be going," Akin mused, then paused dramatically to turn to look at Arikos, who got an impish smile on his face, "Oh wait, when did you say you wanted to see that movie again? Was it next week, or this weekend?" Arikos laughed, and I tried not to show my impatience. Akin was doing it on purpose, clearly, and Arikos was amused. My cock was not.
"This weekend, Akin. He's suffered enough," he told Akin, who grinned at me and winked, "Goodbye, Akin."
"See ya later, Ari! And you too, Menny," he said, then paused when he came beside me, leaning in, "Good luck, sweetheart." I watched him go, then quickly looked at Arikos, whose eyes lit up excitedly as he stepped aside to let me inside. I dropped the duffelbag to the floor, turning around as Arikos shut the door and pulled the chain lock over it. As soon as he was around and facing me, I stepped against him and pushed him against the door, covering his mouth with my mouth.
I was momentarily terrified I'd been too rough, been too quick, too clumsy. I had to have done something wrong, but that thought was chased away as Arikos moaned, reaching one hand up to thread through my hair while his other hand caught the bottom hem of my shirt and pulled it up so he could press his flat hot hand to my cold skin.
I still had no idea how to kiss, but Arikos quickly took over and directed my tongue in an effortless journey in his mouth. Our teeth clicked once, but I barely felt it through the little pulses of relief at having Arikos kiss me.
How strange that it'd been difficult and unnerving before. Now, it felt right, and I couldn't imagine going a day without being kissed like this.
Arikos began to hike my shirt up until he could pull it off over my head. Our mouths connected again after that before we broke apart for some air, his hands gently stroking my back, his head tilted back so he could stare up at me. My cock throbbed at the way his lips glistened, his lidded silver eyes watched me intently, his breath a soft pant, cheeks flushed.
"That was one hell of a kiss," he murmured. I swallowed.
"It was," I agreed. Arikos smiled, then leaned up to nip at my chin. I groaned and he nuzzled my throat.
"You were awfully aggressive there."
"I'm sorry," I murmured, but Arikos shook his head.
"No, don't apologize. Never apologize for giving me surprise kisses, Menoetius. Nothing makes me happier than surprise kisses," he replied with that sweet smile of his. Relieved he wasn't offended by my assertive move, I risked another kiss and he moaned, his hands wandering my back. They dipped down low, smoothing out over the base of my spine, and I shuddered, my cock punching hard against the inside of my jeans-- and I was really starting to hate these fucking modern pants for the zipper kept biting into me and only making the arousal that much more powerful.
Oh. Fantastic. Now you're a masochist.
"What's wrong?" Arikos murmured against my lips. I swallowed, suddenly feeling a little dwindle in my confidence.
"I... Uhm. I'm not sure where to go from here," I admitted. Arikos smiled, pulling back so he could reach up to brush his hand through my hair, pushing it back from my face.
"Do you want to try picking up where we left off, or is that too fast? We'll do whatever you want to do, and if you decide you want to stop halfway through, we can stop. I won't get mad." His kindness renewed the fire in my veins and I nodded in response to his question.
He took my hand and led me to the bed.
One minute we were standing at the foot of the bed, awkwardly stripping each other, mostly on my behalf because I had never done such a thing to a person like this, and because I didn't want him to feel uncomfortably exposed, not that he would. Arikos appeared completely comfortable with his nudity, and my own. Because a moment later, we were back on the bed and my confidence pulled back a bit as our lips stayed together in a heated kiss.
The kiss kept me in place, kept the surges of arousal pulsing through me. I moaned as his tongue swept across the roof of my mouth, his hands working in my hair and at my pec. He paid an awful lot of attention to my pecs again and I pulled my head back to look up at him.
"Why do you like my chest so much?" I asked dryly, wondering briefly if he would've preferred I was female. Surely there wasn't nearly as much satisfaction in fondling a male there, no matter how good it felt.
Arikos laughed and swept his thumb across my nipple, making me growl low in my throat, the tender bud hardening to a bead that he leaned down to brush his nose against.
"Because I know you like this. And I love feeling the muscles here. They're perfect. Pectorals are my favorite, and before you go thinking something weird, no, I like you as a male. In fact, there's another part of your body that I also very much enjoy... If you'll let me try something," he added, stopping himself from reaching his hand down between my legs.
I didn't pause for long, because his hair brushed my other nipple and a spark erupted in my groin, making me tense and hiss through clenched teeth.
"Okay," I said after a moment. Arikos studied me for a moment longer, arching a brow, and I just nodded quickly. He slowly turned himself around, so I found myself staring directly at his cock, and his face down in mine. Anxiety spiked hard in my chest, making my breath leave me in a quiet gasp that I hid behind throat clearing.
"Are you okay?" Arikos asked, glancing back at me, his hands on the insides of my thighs. I had to swallow again to keep that anxiety from building in my throat. I nodded and those silver eyes pierced me with urgency to answer vocally.
"Yes. I'm... I just... I don't know what to do," I admitted, heat rushing into my face as I shut my eyes, tilting my head back. It felt foolish to admit it. I'd thought I'd known at least some things about sex after Tiberius, but this position was definitely not something I was familiar with and it was embarrassing to admit it.
And then I felt a gentle stroking at the insides of my thighs and my breath left me in a soft gasp that blew against the tip of Arikos's cock that twitch in my face and he seemed to purr in response. I gulped again, and peeked down to see Arikos's thumbs sweeping across my skin, his breath a soft whisper against my groin.
"It's okay," Arikos told me softly, and each breath that left him when he spoke made my skin tingle and my balls tighten with anticipation, "Just do what I do, Menoetius..." He tilted his head down and slowly lowered his mouth down around me and I sank my fist into the sheets, clenching my teeth and pursing my lips to keep from making any noises.
But fucking hell it was hard not to cry out. His mouth was a hot moist cavern swallowing me up, his wet lips sliding down, down... Gods above. He buried his nose against my skin, somehow managing to take me deep into his tight throat. My eyes slid back in my head and I parted my lips, unable to contain the moan that slipped past my defenses.
Suddenly, everything seemed to fade out. It was just Arikos's mouth around me, him on top of me, his heat against me, his body with me, his heart invading me and soothing my battered soul. Tears pricked my eyes as I resisted the urge to move, but --fuck-- it was so hard not to swivel my hips, grinding myself into his throat.
I knew how much it hurt to have something like that shoved down your throat. I didn't want to hurt him. It'd be a goddamn lie to say I wasn't huge. It was one of the many reasons I loathed that thing between my legs. It was always obvious when I was craving this, and I'd always thought it was so shameful, so disgusting. The way Prometheus had looked at me when he caught me looking at Hannibal, the way Hannibal had seen it and crushed me against a wall for it.
But Arikos had it buried all the way into his mouth, his throat. The expression on his face wasn't disgust or even struggle. He looked euphoric. He moaned around me, and the vibrations sent jolts of pleasure ricocheting through my skin. He reached up with one hand, tucking it beneath my balls, giving them a gentle massage.
My skin burned, my breath leaving me in desperate pants. I blinked rapidly, fists twisting in the sheets as I tried to bring myself under control. At least enough to make Arikos feel this amazing. I licked my lips, managing to unfurl a fist from the sheets to reach up and take his hip. I tilted my head up and parted my lips to take him into my mouth and the moment I had him resting on my tongue, Arikos purred and I moaned.
I caught up to his rhythm of suck, lick, pull... and repeat.
I felt like I was floating. Floating closer and closer to an intense heat. I could feel myself arriving close to the peak I had never been allowed to taste. I'd seen tons of people hit that moment of total ecstasy. It looked like it had always felt so wonderful. I'd come to learn that I didn't deserve it, that the reason I never felt it was because I wasn't supposed to-- Sex was only supposed to bring pleasure to the person who was dominant.
But that wasn't reality, not with Arikos.
When he heard my desperate whines, felt my sucking grow more urgent, he picked up the pace, drawing me nearer and nearer to what I felt would be explosive. It was a hot combination of terror and excitement. The unknown was waiting, just on the edge of the cliff, and I could feel the build come closer and closer and closer and--
Everything exploded.
Heat rushed through my veins and my body took on a mind of its own completely, blurring out any reservations I may have had on my journey to the top. I cried out, choking briefly on Arikos's cock in my mouth, but it felt splendidly sweet. My body spasmed in hot flashes of repeated bursts and my vision flickered with color.
And it felt like it was going to last forever, my eyes closing as I fell back from Arikos to throw my head back against the bed, dropping my hands to grab at the sheets, desperate to stay clinging to the wild throes of pleasure splitting everything inside me.
I felt something warm and wet hit my face, and instinctively, I parted my lips and felt it splatter against my tongue.
Instead of abruptly slamming me back into my body, I felt a gradual pull from the peak. A slow cradle back down onto the bed and I felt Arikos's weight leave me from above, only momentarily and it shifted so he was beside me, something wet and cold wiping at my face. I blinked my eyes open when the cold wet thing disappeared, watching the little scattered dots of color fade from my vision and I turned my head to the side to see Arikos smiling at me, his hand on my chest, his other tucked under his head.
He didn't say anything, just smiled, like he'd witnessed the greatest spectacle of his life and he was relieving it over and over again. I stared at him in silence, still coming down from the intense heat that'd snatched me up and sent me somewhere else. Now I felt as if I were being eased into a warm daze, and my fingers felt numb, my mouth tasting sweet and salty.
"Do you want some water?" Arikos asked me. I nodded. He slid from the bed, going to the kitchen to get water. I watched him, silent. The haze was so warm, so comforting. I suddenly wanted to roll over and snuggle into the blankets, when Arikos got back, of course.
He came over and slid back on the bed with me, helping me sit up so he could give me the water. I downed the entire glass, watching him set it aside. The moment the heavy glass thudded against the nightstand, a sharp awareness came slamming back into me. Heat flooded my face and I snatched at the blankets, yanking them up to cover me, dropping my eyes to the bed.
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
It wasn't intercourse and it wasn't painful, but it was... It was something. I'd had my first orgasm, and I still felt numb from it physically, but mentally? Terror erupted in my chest and strangled me. The muscles in my chest drew tight and I swallowed repeatedly to try and keep the bile from coming up my throat.
"I'm sorry," I managed, watching Arikos sit up and look at me with a frown from my peripheral vision, "I... I-I'm so sorry, Arikos."
"Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong," Arikos assured, scooting closer to me, but he didn't touch me, almost as if he knew I really didn't want that right now, "Menoetius, look at me. Come on, bring those pretty eyes up and look at me." I risked meeting his eyes, and the heat came back stronger than ever, filling my cheeks, burning a path across my nose and touching the tips of my ears. Humiliation gathered up hard and heavy in my gut and dropped into oblivion as I swallowed back a wave of anxiety.
"Arikos, I--"
"Ssh," Arikos murmured, "Baby, look at me. Listen to me. You did nothing wrong. You're okay."
"B-But, I-- I sounded so stupid. I didn't mean to make any noises. I was trying to stay quiet, I swear, I didn't--"
"What are you talking about, Menoetius? The sounds you made weren't noises; they were beautiful. You sound beautiful. I could listen to you all night long, but then we'd never get any sleep because I'd be on you all night," Arikos answered. I couldn't imagine more heat filling my face at that moment, and I had to look away from him.
"I didn't have any control. I couldn't stop. I'm so sorry--"
"Control--? Oh," Arikos stopped abruptly to look away, covering his mouth with his hand, resting his elbow on his drawn up knee. He appeared to go deep into thought, his eyes fixated intently on the sheets as he appeared to finally realize that what had happened was my first orgasm.
And I'd totally fucked up.
I'd been so confident that I could just come in here, sweep Arikos away with what little I knew and we'd make love like some stupid fairy tale because the point was to make Arikos feel good, even though Hannibal had already fucking told me that wasn't how it worked. I had no idea what I was thinking when I'd initiated this.
I'd just been incredibly excited. It was like I was realizing that Arikos and I were officially together, in a relationship, a couple, lovers. The thought was amazing and I'd been swept away by the newness, too overcome by excitement to realize what I was doing.
I'd gotten swept up in the intense feeling, in the moment with Arikos, that I hadn't stopped to make a plan. I should've brought something to put in my mouth, or buried my face in the pillow or something. Instead, I'd gone in blind and come out feeling like a complete and utter fool. A stupid useless fool.
"I'm sorry," I whispered again, looking up at Arikos, clenching my fist around the blanket to draw it closer, "I'm so sorry. I'll do better next time, Arikos, I promise." I waited to see if he was going to say anything. I expected to hear chiding and even just him breaking everything off right here, right now, which only made me hate myself even more.
Gods above, you fucking ingrate. What the hell is wrong with you? Could you be any more disgusting?
"No," Arikos said suddenly, making me look at him warily and he was staring at me now, his silver eyes intense, "Menoetius, stop. And I don't just mean apologizing, I also want you to stop sitting there and calling yourself all those horrible names."
"How..." My voice trailed as I remembered Hannibal's words.
"... they know exactly what you're telling yourself..." That they did, I realized.
"You've got that terrified look in your eyes," Arikos said sternly, then his expression softened and his voice became soothing, "Menoetius, you did nothing wrong. Everything you did was perfect. I've been alive for several millennia, and I'm afraid to admit that I've seen a ridiculous amount of people go where you went tonight, but not a single one of them ever came close to being as beautiful as you were." My breath caught in my throat. I didn't want to believe him. I was so used to denying it with a rip of anger, or just ignoring it, but his words rang in my head, one in particular ringing out above the rest.
Beautiful.
"I'm telling the truth," Arikos added when I averted my eyes, and he reached out to gently take my face in his hands and I allowed him to, "You're beautiful." I said nothing, just tried to cope with what he was telling me, and I could feel that familiar excitement from earlier returning to my chest. I sucked in a deep breath, closing my eyes and leaning my face against Arikos's hand. His thumb swept across my cheekbone and I savored the tender touch before opening my eyes to look at him, coming to a conclusion that scared me.
"Arikos?"
"Hm?"
"I... Please don't hate me," I started, and Arikos opened his mouth, but didn't get a chance to speak as I rushed on, "I love you." Arikos froze for a moment, then swallowed tightly. He pursed his lips, then scooted closer and somehow, we ended up under the blankets together, his arms going around my torso as he nuzzled his face against my neck.
"Menoetius, I love you too." His words choked me. I squeezed my eyes shut and put my arms around him tightly, drawing him against me and still feeling like it wasn't enough. He kissed the underside of my chin, then smiled.
No one had ever said that to me. No one loved me.
Or so I thought.