Connor's POV
*Wedding*
I've decided already. I'm gonna do it. I'm not sure how yet but, I'm going to. No one can stop me. Not even Tori. I'm going to kill myself.
The wedding ended. I watched her the whole time, and she was so beautiful. It made me sad to leave her but I just couldn't stay here any longer. She's hugged Elaisha who was crying. It made her laugh, and god I loved that laugh. So full of happiness, so full of life.
I wrote her a note. Just her. A special note that I hopped she would understand and would help her through me being gone. It sounded nice to think about. Me being gone. No more pain. No more crying. No more of the unbearable thing we call life.
I'd been depressed for a while now. I tried so hard to deal with it on my own but it was so hard. I resorted to self harm, but I hid it well. I couldn't let the fans see that. I couldn't let them down. Because they don't see behind the scenes. All they see is happy Connor in my videos. They don't see how I cry right after I stop recording. They don't see how I read every single hate tweet that goes through me mentions and beat myself up because they're probably right. They don't see anything.
It got real bad. I couldn't handle it anymore so I talked to Ricky. He didn't say much. I felt so awful for piling everything on him. He didn't know how to handle it either because all Ricky had ever seen was camera Connor too.
I knew Tori was good with these things but I couldn't bare to see her hurting for me. Her smile lit up my entire world and to see it fade would rip my heart into pieces.
So the only option I had was to go. To leave this place with hopefully a good memory for everyone I loved. Ricky, my best friend no, brother. Jc, the most down to earth guy I'd ever met. Kian, always good for a hard laugh. Sam, the one who always got me mixed up in some crazy adventure that I loved. Trevor, the one who could give me goose bumps all over with that voice. And then Tori. Mere words could not describe my feelings towards Tori. No matter how hard I searched none were worthy of her. Because I could not simply say I loved Tori. It was more than that, different.
I didn't just want to have sex with her or even be her boyfriend at that. I just wanted her next to me. Always. To smile. To laugh. To fill me with life. Because that what she did. That's what she did for everyone. Tori wasn't just any girl. She was literally the girl. The only girl I'd ever be head over heels, absolutely, with no doubt in love with.
*Three days later*
I'm standing in my bathroom in front of the mirror.
You are so worthless. You are nothing. Kill yourself. Do it. No one wants you here.
Tears run down my cheeks but I don't wipe them. I just stare at my reflection. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I pick my self apart in every way.
You deserve this.
I pick up my car keys and make my way out the door.
No one will miss you.
I begin to dive. Not exactly sure where I'm going. But it needs to end now.
You are scum. At the bottom. Under everyone.
My thoughts are jumbled and I don't control them anymore. The tears stream faster and my eyes become cloudy.
Hurry up. Do it. You're a waste.
I wonder if Tori had read my note yet. I wonder if she had caught the hint. My very last attempt for life. She probably doesn't care. She had Jc. She is happy.
Why are you still here. You don't deserve to live.
I see a bridge. My foot pushes harder and harder on the gas as tears drop onto my jeans. I'm getting close. It's almost over.
You're finally doing it, good. Its about time you got rid of yourself.
I get to the bridge and drive right over. The fall is a rush. Water begins to rush through the open windows.
You'll drown soon.
At first its easy but holding my breath becomes harder. My lungs feel like they're going to pop.
Just let go. No one is going to save you.
I'm getting dizzy and know I will go soon. My very last thoughts were of Tori.
It's almost over.
I love you.