Jin lowers the car windows, allowing fresh cool breeze to blow in. His hands grip the wheel and spin it effortlessly. Although he's not smiling, his brows and shoulders are at ease, so relaxed, like a whale in its ocean.
The tune he's humming is annoying as hell. How he enjoys driving someone else's car beats me. It smells just like Toshio here. I'm not saying the scent of wood and musk is bad. It's just...I know I wouldn't like it if I'm wearing someone else's dress.
Shifting my weight wretchedly in the leather seat, I find it difficult to withdraw my eyes from Jin. A scar cut his left brow in half, but at least his face is not covered by bruises anymore. He looks handsome again.
This is all too surreal as if I'm in a technicolor dream, an alternative space and time where Jin does own a luxurious car for impromptu getaway. We could have been rich and posh, freed from our responsibilities.
In this reality, however, we only got a rusty bike to ride together for delivering tea around the neighborhood. It has always been the two of us up against the world. I was sixteen back then. Though it was the first time I had my arms wrapped around his waist, my heartbeat was not as fast as I am now.
"A cat got your tongue? Why aren't you talking?" asks Jin, looking over at me.
"Oh, now you want to talk? You've been acting like you don't know me at all!" I slap his arm and I believe it's more painful for me than him. He doesn't flinch a little.
"You wouldn't want me to ruin the mood for you and your boyfriend."
"Toshio is not my boyfriend. Not yet."
I said so because I hope Jin will show a bit of jealousy. And maybe I'm imagining things, I observe some symptoms. His grip on the wheel goes tighter, and the way he speaks of my 'boyfriend' sounds exactly like how I used to speak of his 'girlfriend'. It would be heartwarming if he really doesn't want me to date, but I'm afraid he's just looking out for me as he always does.
"You can tell him I'm your family," he suggests.
"No. You're not," I snap, frustration piling up inside my throat. "Can we go somewhere else?"
Jin shrugs and steps on the gas. Half an hour of silence later, we arrive our spot. The old pier has been a sacred place for us to discuss our ambitions since we were naive teenagers. By the sea was where I told Jin I had been admitted to a college and he confessed he was under some training to become a professional boxer. We were both so thrilled about the opportunities ahead. But the more we have talked, the more we are certain there isn't a map leading to our future. We can only muddle along.
The sun's orange yolk sinking below the horizon is magically beautiful. Embracing myself, I'm lost in the view instead of asking the thousand questions that clog my head. The truth is I never want to know anything. Jin is back and we're now gazing at the sunset together. What's more can I ask for? If time stopped at this moment, I wouldn't protest.
"I'm gonna leave you here if all you do is stare at the sun," Jin complains as he thrusts his hands into the pockets of his flashy trousers and kicks away a pebble off the ground. "Shoot me with your questions already."
"How about you do the story-telling?" I snort as I slowly walk to him. "Do I always have to drill you for some answers?"
"Don't you know enough? I have a job. I finally get paid regularly," says Jin as he grins and holds open his arms.
The man standing in front of me has transformed since I last saw him. He gets happier, stronger, his physique sculpted with muscles.
"Why haven't you called?" I ask, lifting my chin to look at him. He however drifts his eyes away.
"I have my reason. Okay?"
His lips are still curling up but I reckon it's a fake smile.
"You're not going to tell me, isn't it?" I try my best not to let anger overwhelms my voice.
"Maybe some other time," he answers and tugs a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.
I watch him lits one up, then I drop my gaze to my shoes.
"Where do you live now?"
"I'm staying with some friend," he mutters, scatching his nose with the side of his thumb.
"A lady friend?"
"Why would you care?"
"I care because I know better what a disaster it would be if you knock someone up."
I meant it as a joke, but it comes out harsh and clipped.
"What the f-" he jeers in disbelief.
"When did you get a license?" I interject, eager to switch the subject.
"Right after I turned 18. You was at school so you didn't know. I thought it would come in handy someday and I was right about that."
"But why did Toshio hire someone with no experience at all?"
"Ask him yourself," he grumbles, drawing heavily on his cigarette. "Are we done yet?"
"Sure." Sulking, I walk past him towards the car, my shoulder knocks him out of my way.
"Such a hypocrite."
I swivel around as I heard him groan. "What did you say?"
"I said you're a hypocrite. You enjoy playing mother, worrying everyone like a plaster saint."
"T-t-that's what you think of me?" I don't know why I stammer. Crossing my arm, I cock my head and grit my teeth.
"Yeah. And men hate that. Bear in mind, keep your nagging away from your precious boyfriend," he mocks me as he taps his temple with a finger and puffs out a cloud of smoke at my face.
"You're an asshole." I smack the cigarette off his fingers and trod on it.
"What? You do need to work on that. Maybe work on other aspects too. Man like my boss don't fall from trees. To be honest, I don't think you can keep him. One-month time I'll give."
I swat his shoulder even harder this time. Right after I spin away from him, he pulls me close with an arm draped around my shoulder from behind.
"I care so much about you. Like you claim you care about me," he whispers, his breath tickles my earlobe. "We are family. Nothing can change that."
I squirm and reply coldly, "I know that. Now take me home."
▲▼▲
I slide two thousand-dollar bills across the table while Grandma Ying is steeping herself a pot of Chinese black tea. It's not a lot of money, but we never have that much cash lying around.
"These are from Jin," I announce proudly, claiming my reward from Grandma.
Her eyes widen in astonishment.
"I'm not lying. I met him today."
She picks up the bills so delicately as if they would crumble into dust in her hands.
"How is he?" Her voice shivers.
"He's fine. Dashing, in fact. He is a chauffeur now. The man I met the other night is his boss."
"You've found him," she sighs, raising her palm to her chest. "Did he say if he's coming back?"
"He said he won't live with us because it's far away from where he works, but he will visit you twice a week."
"Really?"
"He promised. And I have his current number." I wave my phone at her.
"Oh, Xue. Thank you so much." She gives me an embrace, so tight that I cannot breathe. I rub her shoulder with one hand, feeling the soft wool of her sweater. We haven't hugged for, wow, four to five years I believe. Tears rim my eyes.
And once the crying starts, it's hard to stop. I let myself weep in the shower so Grandma doesn't hear me. The water splashes on my face, washing my tears away. My hands press against the wall for support or I may collapse.
I keep recalling my conversation with Jin, again and again. It was nothing special, really. We've bickered like that since we were kids. Maybe he was right. No matter I like it or not, we have become family. What we share is not love. If it is, it must be a distorted one.
There was a time that we were in fact close. Too close that we scared that Grandma might have caught us. If only I had a little more courage to place my lips on his. I had my chance but I tossed it like trash. I have to shut every memory out because it makes me cry even harder. A kiss. All it takes is just a kiss. It works for a frog; it works for snow white; it could have worked for us too.
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A/N:
It's another short chapter and I believe it is full of errors. I'm having serious writers block. I have Jin planned in my head for so long but when I wrote about him, everything just slipped away.
Up to this point, can you guess what's in Jin's mind? I thought I know exactly how he feels but now I don't... He's a mystery to me now :'(
bythec (9/4/2015 12:00)