I can't.
I'm struggling to hold onto my last shred of sanity.
But Liam left that night, five months ago. I'm a college graduate.
I haven't heard from him.
His family hasn't heard from him.
I have nightmares every night that he's dead.
He left me.
His birthday came and passed. I tried calling him but the phone said his number is either unavailable or disconnected.
I leave my house to work. I blow off every family function, and I've stopped picking up the phone.
I'm listening to music, trying to calm myself.
I can't.
This fucking song.
I try to pretend that I'm fine.
That I'm not sad. That I'm okay.
But I'm not.
I watched him walk onto that fucking plane.
I made out with him in the airport before he left.
He promised me he'd see me June 4th.
It's July 7th.
My twenty third birthday came and passed.
I hear a loud knock on my door.
I shut off the stupid song and take a deep breath, ripping the door open.
I've avoided his family.
I've avoided my own family.
But when I see his parents, and Zeke, I take a deep breath.
He looks so much like them.
When I look at Zeke, I see Liam.
When I look at Mr. Ashton, I see Liam, and when I look at Mrs. Ashton, I see Liam.
"Hi sweetheart." Mrs. Ashton smiles with tears in her eyes.
We all were in a group chat a few weeks ago and we all agreed that the plane probably crashed.
Liam would never ignore us.
He promised me that he would call me when he got off the plane.
Silently, I step aside to let them in my house.
I've fallen.
I've fallen so far, and this time, Liam isn't here to catch me.
I know they're here to check on me.
But my house is a mess, clothes are all over the place, bowls, cups, tissues.
So many tissues.
I don't sleep in my bed. I have really, really bad insomnia now.
I try to avoid sleeping at all costs, because if I sleep, I dream, and the dream turns to a nightmare.
"Sorry it's messy." I mutter, avoiding looking them in the eye.
"It's okay." Mr. Ashton says.
It's quiet.
Nobody speaks.
The only sound is the AC kicking on.
I want to be alone.
I want to kill myself.
I've thought about it so much, but I can't.
I cry about it all the time.
Hysterically.
And normally he's there to make me stop, but he's not.
He's fucking gone.
"Do you want a hug?" Zeke asks.
I shake my head.
"No." I whisper.
I've cried in front of his family before, but they've never been there.
They've never sat with me while I cried.
We've been in the same boat, the same area...
But never the same room.
Never two feet from each other.
I feel like I'm going to die.
My heart aches terribly.
I miss him.
I miss him so much.
"Abby." Mr. Ashton whispers.
I start shaking my head.
"Guys, I really appreciate you checking up on me, but you're making it worse. He's gone. The plane probably crashed or something, and I've been avoiding you guys because you all look just like him. I can't handle myself. Please, please just go home, and like, forget about me."
I open the front door.
They all look really frustrated, but they leave.
I start the music again, and the song that kills me comes on.
I sit on the couch, and start sobbing.
I miss him.
I miss him so much.
<><>
Memories of Liam hit me. It's been six months now since he left.
It's August, and I've not gotten any better.
I can't eat.
I can't think.
I can't breathe.
I'm sitting on my laptop, watching videos of him and I.
There's videos from high school.
There's videos everywhere.
I wish this was one long nightmare.
I wish he'd shake my shoulder and tell me to get up.
I wish he was here.
Izzy is eighteen and leaving for college next month.
I can't talk to her.
I can hardly leave my bed for anything but work.
My phone starts ringing.
It's Mum.
I ignore it.
It starts ringing again, this time, it's Liam's Mum.
And then his Dad, and then Zeke, and then Izzy, and then my Dad, and the cycle slowly restarts.
I pick it up for Zeke.
"H—"
"Turn on ABC Action news! Now!"
"Uh, okay." I mutter.
They still hang out with my family and I'm on speaker, so I flick on my TV and put it on ABC.
"-said that all the families of the members or the aircraft were reported missing. They found a road early Tuesday morning, and they've been walking since. Three people were killed, the pilot being one of them, and two others. We don't have any names yet, but-" the women cuts off. "Oh. We've received the names." There's a short pause.
Everyone is estatic over the phone, but suddenly, it gets silent as we wait.
"The first death is the pilot, Marshall Kane. The next two are guests, both males. One of them being Luke Dale, and the other," she pauses, listening.
"Oh, please." I whisper holding my breath. Oliver Tokin. Survivors are-"
She starts listing names. I wait, crossing my fingers. "Sabrina Holt, Liam Ashton, Janet Sky-"
He's alive.
He's alive.
He's fucking alive.
"The survivors of the crash said that they landed in a field. The plane was on fire when they got out. They got about a mile away and they heard an explosion. They didn't know where they were, what country they were in, or even if they were on an abandoned island. But one survivor saved all of them by using a method he said his girlfriend taught him, using two sticks and driving it into the ground, you look up at a star and line it up with a stick. Twenty minutes later, you look back and see what way the star went. If it goes left, that's north, right is south, up is east, and down is west. He said it went right, so they all decided to head south. They hiked for months. Just a few days ago, they found a road, and today, just twenty minutes ago, they walked right into Toronto, Canada, and they're all frantically using a strangers phone. More than half of them of refusing a plane."
The camera moves to a group of people.
They're wearing faded clothes and they all look tired.
My eyes search frantically through the group.
Liam.
Where the hell is Liam?
And then I see him.
He's grabbing the phone.
"Oh shit! One of our phones are going to start ringing!"
We all hold our breath.
And my house phone starts ringing.
I jump up, ripping the phone off the hook and pressing answer.
"Liam?" I ask.
"Hey."
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
"Listen, I really don't have that much time. Are you watching the news?"
"Yes." I say, smiling and crying at the same time.
"Okay. Well I kinda need a way home, and I'm not that much a fan of airplanes."
"Okay. I'll come get you. Can you find a hotel until I get there?"
"Okay, I can do that."
"Okay. I gotta go. I love you so much. I'll call you when I can, alright?"
"Okay. I love you so much."
"I love you too."
He hangs up.
I watch on the TV as he passes the phone to somebody else.
"Abby!" I hear Zeke yelling. I snatch my cell up.
"What?" I ask.
"Did he call you? Who did he call?"
"He called me. I gotta go."
I shower and change into jeans and a t-shirt and one of Liam's sweatshirts. I grab my keys, my phone, and my wallet, a change of clothes for Liam, and anything else he could possibly want, I toss them in a backpack, and then I rush to my car.
I know he doesn't like airplanes, but I'm not waiting, so I go and get a plane ticket, draining my bank to get my car put with it.
I'm going to have my baby back in less than a day.