{this update is dedicated to EL James and David Nicholls}
For the past few weeks, I've lost almost all contact with Jamie. I can tell it's my fault because Katie told me that love isn't a reason for him to ignore a girl. I know it's because I flirting with a rapist. And I know he just want to protect me. I feel like he's more mad at himself instead of me. At this point, I'm just thanking God that Jamie was the one to pick me up.
"So, your...uhm," I look down at the looped letters on a new client's paperwork. "your plastic surgeon sent you?"
She adjusts the skin on her face as if it's falling down. "Yes."
"Do you know why?"
"Because I have a problem," she shrugs, saying this as more of a question rather than an answer.
"I'm assuming with insecurity?" I ask. She nods.
"My surgeon tells me how he doesn't want to do any more damage to my body and face and says he feels that I need to see a therapist since I dislike my appearance so much."
I glance down at her paperwork to see her name; Darcy Grey.
"Darcy, what about your body don't you like?" I question, glancing at a before and after photo of her. She had the perfect body before getting all of the surgery done.
"Everything," she replies. "I've always wanted to be like my mom...when she was my age she had the perfect curves. My dad still hasn't stopped talking about them."
I write this down and I wait for her to continue.
"I guess I get the insecurity from my dad," she tells me. "he was always under pressure being the CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc. According to my mother, he was very troubled and had a dark past that she was afraid of at first. I guess his fear and insecurity bounced on to me."
"Did he ever overcome that?" I ask.
Darcy nods, leaning back on the couch. "Yeah."
"How?"
"My mom helped him by letting him have sex with her," she answered. "eventually they realized they were in love and then came me."
"Was he a sex addict?" I question her.
"I don't think so," she tells. "I think he just had sex a lot but he wasn't addicted. I think my mother told me once that his dark past has something to do with it but nobody has wanted to tell me."
I nod while jotting this down on my notebook paper. I get the feeling that since Darcy's father had a similar insecurity problem, her issue is genetic. But, her's is far different from her father's. Although, Darcy has something about her that she frowns down upon, she changes her body instead of her sexual actions.
"Possibly, if you really want to know," I suggest. "you could maybe figure out what it was that troubled your father so much. Then, that might help you understand more of your insecurities."
"Maybe," she sighs, clearly disappointed. Probably in from the fact that she has all this sadness bottled up in her and she doesn't have any idea why. Darcy doesn't have to feel this way.
-
"Have you two talked at all lately?" Katie asks me. I shake my head, no.
"Not unless he has his appointments," I mix sugar into my coffee. "even then it feels weird."
"What happened that night?"
"I basically went behind his back and I'm still not able to figure out why," I reply.
"Like cheated?"
"I guess you could say that."
"How would it be referred to as cheating?" she asks me. "you two aren't even together."
"I know," I sigh. I glance at the pack of cigarettes my mom left here a year and a half ago. My breath wavers and I shiver.
"Cecilia," she says.
"Hmm?"
"Ignore your mom's cigarettes," Katie grabs the pack and sits them in her purse. "don't let those mess with your brain."
"I can't help but think about how this is all my fault," I say, staring down at my shoes.
"There was obviously something troubling you and that messed it up," she tells me.
"There's nothing other than the fact that my brother was blaming my father's death on me again," I look up at her, my eyes filling with tears.
"Why would he do that?"
"Because my dad spent have of his life supporting me and so his side of the family and my brother all have this belief that I sucked all of the life out of him."
"It was his choice to support you," Katie tells me. "nobody can change that, not even your family." I stand up with my coffee cup. While setting it on the counter, I open the refrigerator and grab a bottle of Jack Daniel's and spike my coffee with it. Katie sighs, watching me close the bottle and putting it back in the fridge. "Cecilia."
"Hmm?" I glance up from my cup, taking a drink.
"What's happening to you?" she asks.
"What do you mean?"
"You just spiked your coffee," she points out.
"So?" I shrug, taking another drink of it, this time larger.
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why do this to yourself?" Katie questions. "you're going to end up killing your body. I assume he told you his turn-offs?"
I look down at my coffee again, remembering how he said he doesn't like it when a girl drinks alcohol for no reason. I nod, setting the cup down on the counter and stepping out of the kitchen for a few moments to find a hair tie. I locate one on my couch and bring my hair up in a bun.
"Cecilia, how about we take it easy tonight, okay?" Katie asks.
"Just hang out here?" I ask.
"Yes," she smiles. "movies, food, drinks, sleepover."
"No boys allowed?"
"No boys allowed."
"Good," I smirk. "if any boys try to get a hold of us, they're out. Like we can't even talk to boys so no Jerome for you."
"Easy," she replies. "but...how about with you? What happens if Jamie texts you?"
"Well, that depends on what he texts me about," I tell her. "if he wants to talk, I don't want to keep him waiting but if it's just a simple 'hey' then that can wait because it's a girls night."
"Okay," she nods. "so, him wanting to talk is the only exception. Other than that, screw it." I give a thumbs up and grab the remote, sitting on the couch with Katie, turning on Netflix.
I go through the movies that Netflix has and pass by one that catches my eye. One Day. I click on the cover image and read the description of the movie before glancing back at Katie. I raise my eyebrows at her, asking if she'd be up to watching it. She nods and I set the remote down to go get a bag of chips.
Once I'm back to the couch, I open the bag and set it on the coffee table in front of us and I start the movie. Just two minutes into it, I'm immediately in love with the main male character; Dexter Mayhew. He's carefree, adorable, and a bit of a rascal. He reminds me a bit of a guy that I once knew back in high school except he wasn't attractive like Dexter is. In a way, Jamie is like him. Throughout Dexter's life, he would hook up with girls and drink excessively since he had run a late night talk show called Late Night Lock-In. He was wild and fun spirited until he began to realize he was in love with his best friend, Emma Morley. His love for his best friend is something different. Something I've quickly grown to admire...sort of. Dexter goes off to marry some other woman whom he has no feelings for at all. He spends hours at his place practicing how to say 'I love you' to the woman. Thus meaning he really doesn't love her at all. No matter how many times you repeat a phrase like 'I love you' when you're referring to the wrong person, you'll never be able to convince yourself that it's true.
Eventually, Dexter and this woman get divorced because the woman ends up cheating on him with his best friend. Afterwards, Dexter ends up in France to see Emma only to find out that she is seeing someone. Assuming he travelled to France to hook up with her, Emma tells him she wants nothing to do with him-clearly lying-and tells him to get dressed so they can go see her new boyfriend, Sebastien Dupuis, play the piano. Dexter refuses to go with and takes a walk by a river. Only a few minutes into listening to Sebastien play, Emma tells Dupuis that she can't do this anymore. She then runs out of the coffee shop he had been performing in and finds Dexter out by the river and embraces him immediately.
Emma and Dexter then get engaged and after time, they discover that Emma cannot get pregnant so from frustration, they fight. Mainly because Dexter is always at work and won't take a rest from it but also because of the stress the infertility has put on Emma. Throughout the day, Emma then swims laps at the public pool and once she's finished, she calls Dexter, apologizing for being a pain earlier in the day and informing him she'll be at his bakery in twenty minutes.
Not long after she sends the voicemail to Dexter, she then finds out that she won't be making it to the bakery. At least not alive for that matter.
Suddenly, everything starts falling into place. All of the missing parts in the movie slowly start to break my heart one tendon at a time.
"Whatever happens tomorrow, we had today."
"She made you decent, and in return, you made her so happy, so happy, and I will always be grateful to you for that."
"I love you, Dex, so much. I just don't like you anymore. I'm sorry."
It all breaks me. The entire movie ruins me. It takes the vision of a complicated love life and brings it together to be living happily ever after. Only to have that come crumbling down to bring Dexter to live unhappily and alone. But the one thing his father tells him hurts me the most. He tells Dexter to live his life just like he planned; with Emma still there with him.
By the end of the movie, I'm in tears, crying on Katie. Boy am I lucky I don't have makeup on. If I did, Katie's white shirt would be a mess. She pats the top of my head and grabs a tissue box from the coffee table beside her. I shake in her embrace and she hands me a few tissues so I can wipe the tears off of my cheeks and blow my nose. "Why is this movie even on Netflix?"
"I don't know, Cecilia," she replies, rubbing my head, trying to get me to calm down and stop bawling my eyes out.
"It's like you become attached to the goddam characters," I whine. "I put myself in as Emma just twenty minutes in because of how hot Dexter is."
"Awe," Katie pouts. "does Cecilia have a crush?"
"Yeah, the type where you end up getting crushed," I sigh. "like where you get crushed because it comes to a traumatic end but also where you get crushed because you then realize you've fallen for a fake person."
"I hate when that happens," she says. "I can't watch a single Leonardo DiCaprio movie without getting pressed because I can't marry him. I fall in love with all of the characters that he plays it's becoming a serious problem."
"I can guarantee that will be me with Jim Sturgess."
"The guy that played Dexter?" she asks. I nod and eat one last chip before closing it up after asking Katie if she's done. I stand up, sniffling and walking to my kitchen to put the bag away in a cabinet.
I come back to the family room and let my hair down, sitting back on the couch. "What do you want to do now?"
"I'd like to get to know you," Katie answers me.
"What would you like to know?"
"Something that Jamie doesn't know," she says. "has to be appropriate though."
"Of course it's going to be appropriate," I laugh. "just ask me whatever."
"Tell me about the guys you met in high school."
"Well, that won't be as appropriate as I intended," I say with a straight face.
"How so?"
"High school was a learning experience for me," I admit. "I mean...I guess I didn't learn as much as I wish I did."
"You and Jamie having sex was probably the most right thing you could've done," Katie tells me. "that sounded bad."
"It felt right," I tell her. "in fact, it felt amazing after all of the mistakes I made in high school."
"How so?" Katie questions. "if you don't mind me asking."
"I don't know if he told you about this," I begin. "but we went out to a club once and a guy that I had liked back in high school was there and he told Jamie about my past. How I was quite the hoe back then. Let a guy finger me, made out with guys that were bad influences, hell I even helped guys cheat on their girlfriends. Katie, I was an absolute mess, to say the least."
"That was years ago," she replies. "you're a different, more mature person now. You're in love. You're helping people cope with hell. You're an amazing person and I really wish we all met you sooner."
"I don't think things can ever be the same between him and me."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't think he'll ever see me as to how he used to," I look down at my legs. "everything I did that night reflects how I used to be and I can't get that out of my head."
Katie puts her hand on my shoulder. "C'mon, don't let all of that hurt your relationship with him."
"What if he does?"
"I won't let him," she replies. "what he has now is too special for him to let go of. You two are unbreakable and trying to split you up would be like his addiction ending up as contagious."
"I just want to be able to love him without this fear that he doesn't feel the same," I tell her.
"Jamie loves you so much," Katie says. "and it's obvious."
"Really?"
"Really," she replies. "for the past week he's been asking me how you're doing because he's nervous to text you."
"Tell the idiot to text me the next time he asks," I laugh lightly.
"I will," Katie blinks, her hand rubbing my shoulder. "Don't worry."
After hours of eating, laughing, and watching movies, Katie and I are getting ready to go to sleep. I brush my teeth and stare at my pale face in the mirror, seeing someone that I hate.
As I spit the toothpaste into the sink, I get startled by Katie walking over and asking me a question. "Where do I sleep?"
"I guess in my bed since there's literally nowhere else to sleep unless you wanted my couch but I don't want to be a rude host," I say. "just sleep wherever you want."
"Alright," she laughs and walks away. I splash some water on to my face and brush my hair away from my eyes.
I walk into my room and find Katie almost asleep on one side of my bed. I smile to myself knowing that I won't be sleeping alone tonight.
It doesn't necessarily fix the entire lonely feeling in my chest. Nothing has helped mask that. I don't think I've ever felt this empty in my entire lifetime. Without the man that makes me whole, I'm nothing.
All I've done is lay in bed, unable to sleep. By now, Katie is probably fast asleep and I check my phone which sits on my nightstand and I notice multiple texts from Jamie. And suddenly, I hear knocks on the door.
I glance over at Katie's motionless figure beside me before standing up from my bed, not bothering to put pants on and walking over to the door. Once I reach the door, I look down at my bare legs and my eyes widen. But then, I shrug and open the door anyway. Honestly, I'm just lucky it's Jamie.
"What do you want?" I whisper, ticked off.
"I need to speak with someone," Jamie breathes, his face rosy from the chilly air. "Not just someone, you."
My heart skips a beat and my body becomes weak but I also can't escape the amounts of anger I feel for him. Weeks of not talking and he suddenly wants to talk to me.
"I really hope this isn't how we're going to be from now on," I tell him. I stare up into his brown eyes and take a deep breath.
"I know," he mutters. "it'd be torture on me...and my addiction."
I motion for him to come into my place and he steps in allowing me to close the door. "I can't let us torture your cravings for sex."
"It won't be tortured only as long as there is an 'us'," Jamie tells me.
"What makes you so sure?"
"Because with you, I feel so safe and secure and I finally feel like a normal person who isn't mentally sick."
I step over to him and grab the front of his sweatshirt and press my lips on his. At first, Jamie is surprised and doesn't know what to do. But he quickly starts kissing back. He presses his palms to my cheeks but as it all gets heated, he moves his hands down and his fingertips brush against my chest and I breathe into his mouth. As they continue trailing down my body, my hormones raise and I press my body against his.
Jamie's hands then cup my ass and he gropes it causing me to moan out loud, wanting so much more of my body to be touched. "I want you so bad."
"My body belongs to you," I whisper but then look over to the hallway leading to my room, nervous that Jamie and I are going to have sex and Katie walks out since she hears something.
Jamie glances back and raises his eyebrows when he looks at me again. "Babe, what's over there?"
"Katie's sleeping over tonight," I tell him.
"So?" he hooks his finger under my underwear.
"What if she hears me moaning your name?" I purr.
"Well, I do want everyone to know that you're moaning just my name," Jamie pulls my underwear down a little bit. "I don't care if the entire world hears 'Jamie' being moaned by you. Only as long as they know you belong to me."
"I wish I had the courage to have sex while my friend is in the other room," I smirk. "but soon everyone will know that your name is the only name I moan late at night. But as of now, get some sleep baby. Maybe-just maybe-you'll get a reward in the morning."
"I'm not good with surprises."
"Just be good for me and you'll get your surprised promise."
Jamie pouts. "Fine." I grin to myself, knowing how much my reading turns him on even though he denies it every single time.
"Don't act like this isn't turning you on," I whisper in his ear before turning on my heel to grab a blanket from the basket beside my couch. I place it in Jamie's hands and then walk over to the closet next to my room to get him a pillow.
"Thank you," he kisses the top of my head when I hand him the pillow.
I palm him before pressing a good night kiss to his lips and walking back to my room. I let out a sigh of relief to see that Katie is still peacefully sleeping. I get myself back under the covers quietly so I don't wake her up and lay awake for a few minutes before falling asleep, knowing the loneliness that I had felt is hopefully gone.
Katie
I try to move my legs but they're trapped between someone else's. Before I can wake them up, I stop trying and lay there motionless for a while feeling an unusual sense of comfort. The warmth of their body radiates on to mine and it suddenly dawns on me; I'm spooning and hardcore crushing on Cecilia. Jamie's girl. I mean, it's not like it's impossible to have a woman crush on her. She's downright gorgeous. I never thought I'd be bisexual for her though.
I should probably stop before this goes too far. I take a deep breath and remove my arm from Cecilia's waist and bring my legs out from between her's. I watch her body shift in position and I quietly stand up from her bed. While walking over to her kitchen, I notice someone laying on her couch on their phone. They look back at me and I sigh, realizing its Jamie.
"Morning Katie," he says to me.
"Mornin'," I reply.
"How did it feel to sleep in the same bed as my girl?"
My heart beat quickens and my mouth goes dry. "Felt great," I answer him. He cannot know about my sudden attraction to Cecilia.
"She's like a teddy bear when she sleeps," he tells me. Trust me, Jamie, I know.
"I'm sure you've had first-hand experience with that," I say. "I'm sure you've had first hand with a lot with her."
"That's right."
"She really misses you, Jamie," I tell him.
"I miss her so much," he says. "I miss being about to call she and me 'we' or 'us'. I miss not being afraid to love her."
"You're so spontaneous," I tell him. "love her no matter what."
"I'm scared."
"She told me about her saying sorry after she called you the man she loves," I tell him. "and how you said to not apologize for that. Don't let your past get in the way of what your heart wants."
I look to the right and see Cecilia standing near the entrance of the family room. I find myself unable to look away and Jamie looks over at her too. As she looks up, I swallow the lump forming in my throat. Damn, these feels for Cecilia are more intense than I thought.
Cecilia
"Don't let your past get in the way of what your heart wants," I overhear Katie say to Jamie as I almost turn the corner. I glance down at my bare legs and once again shrug. When I look back up, I see both Jamie and Katie staring at me. The two of them have the same smug expression on their face and I slowly step past them to the kitchen.
I feel their gaze following me and I sigh. "It's just an ass, you both have them." I overhear Katie say something under her breath and I glance back, raising an eyebrow. "what was that?"
She clears her throat. "Oh, uh, I said 'not one as hot as your's'." I try my best to not laugh.
"Thanks?" I chuckle.
"You're welcome..." she looks down at her feet and Jamie looks at me confused. I shrug my shoulders and open my fridge to grab chocolate pudding.
Jamie comes up from behind me and I jump from surprise. "Thank you for letting me in." He presses a kiss to my neck and I lick some pudding off of my spoon. "I was scared that you wouldn't."
"Even if I was beyond pissed, I would've still let you in," I tell him.
"Why?"
"Because letting the past get in the way of what my heart wants hurts me too much," I tell him. "and I can't say no to you. Even if I want to, it's impossible."
• ok what's better: Cecatie or Jamilia •