I didn't know how to channel my pain. I flushed every speck f that weed and I got rid of the bag it was in. I unpacked my house. It's been a month now.
I started my job at the newspaper place.
I still feel so depressed. My family won't speak to me, Liam, god, he won't either.
I can't handle this.
I can't handle another fallout.
I'm sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The screen is off. It's just black.
Izzy is getting worse. Mum spoke to me once. It was a text, and all she said was Izzy is taking after you with the drugs.
Literally, everybody that loves me leaves me.
Liam, my sister, Hailey, and parents, my grandparents, my cousins, my aunt and uncle.
I'm alone in this world.
I bought a guitar. I'm not a bad singer. I needed to somehow control myself.
If I'm not working or sleeping, I'm either at the gym or playing guitar.
I wrote a song, and it's literally the definition of me.
I haven't spoken to anybody I love in a month. I've texted, but I don't get replies.
I didn't even get a text back from Mum when I asked her if she was serious about Izzy.
It's lonely. It's 1:56 in the morning and all of my lights are on. The sliding glass door is locked and the curtain is pulled.
My front door is locked, and the window in my bedroom is locked and the blinds are drawn there, too.
Somebody knocks on my door.
What the fuck?
Nobody knows here I live except for everyone I love.
And it's late.
It's four minutes-three now, until two in the morning.
Confused, I unlock my front door and open it.
The light in the hall is on.
Izzy.
"Izzy?" I ask.
Tears are sliding slowly down her face.
She looks ill.
She's drunk.
She invites herself into my apartment.
Slowly, I shut the front door.
"You're not a terrible sister!" she starts sobbing. "I'm such a bitch! I wanted a perfect relationship! I thought Tyler was perfect! I really wanted him to be! But he does drugs and he got me on them and I was going to his house because I snuck out and I found him in bed with another girl!"
"Oh, Izzy."
My heart.
I feel terrible for her.
"I should've stuck with you! You're my big sister! You love me! I should've known that!"
I pull her into a hug.
She's so drunk. She hugs me back though, hysterically crying.
"And to make matters worse, I was so jealous of your relationship with Liam that I planted that fucking weed! I'm the reason he left you! I'm the reason nobody will talk to you! I ruined not only myself, but you, and Liam!"
"Shh, it's okay." I run my fingers through her hair. "Here, sit down." I whisper.
I get her some water and a blanket.
She takes a few sips of the water and curls into a ball on my couch, sobbing.
I get her a trash can to puke in, too. I sit with her, rubbing her back.
Liam was right.
He was right about her. That she'd figure it out.
But he's not here.
He probably never will be, either.
"I ruined everything." She shudders. "I hate myself, sissy."
Sissy.
She called my sissy.
I take a deep breath, willing away tears.
"No you didn't. Don't hate yourself. Trust me kid, I know how it is."
<><>
She passed out on my couch. I went to be around five in the morning, and I woke up at noon.
She was still there.
She used my phone to call Mum. Mum texted me at seven in the morning to tell me Izzy was missing.
Izzy told Mum and Dad everything over the phone, except that she planted the weed. They came and picked her up after I fed her.
They didn't even come inside.
IZZY'S POV
"Guys?" I say quietly in the car.
Nobody is really speaking.
"Yeah?" Mum asks quietly.
"I planted the weed in Abby's suitcase." I whisper.
Silence.
"Izzy, are you fucking kidding me?" Dad asks.
"I'm sorry."
He takes a deep breath.
"You let us be angry at your sister for a fucking month?"
"I didn't want to get in more trouble."
"That's so selfish." Mum says.
We're turning onto our street now.
Dad jerks the wheel roughly, turning us around.
"Where are we going?" I ask.
No answer.
"Are you taking me to jail?" I ask. "Or rehab?"
Still no answer.
Dad is speeding.
He's so mad. He's going eighty in a forty.
He goes flying past an elementary school.
He comes to a halt outside of somebody's house.
I know where we car.
There's a black Nissan Altima sitting in the driveway, along with a truck and another small car.
When I was eleven, I used to sit outside and wait for the Altima to pull up.
That meant Abby was home.
The Nissan is Liam's car.
"Oh god." I say. "No, I'm not telling Liam."
"Either you tell him or I do. And if I tell him, I'll take you to boarding school."
I'm shaking.
Nervously, I get out of the car. Mum and Dad follow me.
I stop in front of the door, shaking my head.
"Three, two-"
I cut off Dad's counting by pressing the doorbell.
After a few seconds, the door is opened.
Mrs. Ashton.
She raises her eyebrows and looks over our shoulders.
"Hey guys." She says.
She looks confused.
Dad looks at me.
He's scary when he's mad.
"I-I have to talk to Liam."
Zeke, Liam's brother, opens the door wider.
"Liam, Abby's sister and parents are here!" he yells.
Mrs. Ashton steps aside to let us in.
It's nearly five minutes before Liam comes out.
He looks really, really depressed.
And he looks even more depressed that we're here.
The house is silent for a long time.
"Isabelle Hope Robinson, you have three fucking seconds before-"
"I-" I take a deep breath. "Last night I was going to Tyler's house and I found him in bed with some girl. I had snuck out." I whisper.
Liam shoves his hands in his pockets.
He's like a big brother to me. He always has been. I used to get really excited whenever he came over.
"I left in tears. I didn't know what to do. So...I went to Abby."
Just the mention of her name makes his eyebrows scrunch together with pain.
For a second, he looks like he might cry. He clears his throat and nods.
"She looks really upset. It was almost two in the morning and every light in her apartment was on. It was blatantly clear that she hadn't slept. Still, even though I treated her like shit, she let me in. I was so drunk, and I was crying. I had wanted Tyler to be perfect, so I kinda faked him being perfect. Really though, he did a lot of drugs, and he got me doing them too. I was jealous of you and Abby. I was really, really jealous. So, before Abby left for the store that day, she took her suitcase into her room to change. I told Mum and Dad I had to go to the bathroom, and I planted the weed. Mum went in her room a few minutes later to start taking apart boxes, and she found it."
Silence.
"You planted the weed." He says.
His voice is emotionless.
I don't know Liam that well.
I can't tell if he's mad or angry.
He runs his hands across his face.
"Does Abby know?"
"Yes." I whisper.
"If Abby knows, why the fuck hasn't she tried reaching you yet?" Zeke demands.
"I asked her that before I left." I whisper, my eyes welling with tears. "I said, Abby, if you know I planted the weed, why haven't you told Liam? She was quiet for a second, and then she just smiled a little bit and said Because I want Liam to be happy. And then she just kinda hugged me."
"What the fuck?" Zeke says.
"She thinks I'm happy without her." Liam sighs.
I used to know Abby so well.
Now I realize I don't.
Liam does.
"But she's obviously depressed!" Mrs. Ashton says.
He shakes his head.
"Abby doesn't ever care how upset she is. As long as everybody else is happy, she doesn't care."
"Well," Dad sighs. "I have been ignoring her for a month. I'm going over there."
"I'm going to shower." Liam says. "I'm gonna go, too."
"I think we all ought to go." Mrs. Ashton says.
"Yeah." Zeke nods.
"Liam, I'm sorry." I whisper, tears falling down my face.
"It's alright."
He walks off.
He's still mad, I think.
ABBY'S POV
I step out of the shower just when my doorbell rings.
It's probably Izzy.
I throw on a PINK thong from Victoria secret. It's light gray and black.
I put a matching pushup bra on, and pull a gray sweatshirt that is actually a 4X over my head. It goes to my knees.
I brush my teeth.
The bell rings again. I ignore it until I finish brushing my teeth.
It rings again thirty seconds later, and then again.
I wash my mouth out.
It rings again, and again.
Irritated, I put my toothbrush away and dry my mouth off and go storming into out of the bathroom, through my bedroom, into the living room.
I rip open the front door, annoyed.
It's Izzy.
And my parents.
And Liam's parents.
And Liam's brother.
And Liam.
Liam was the one ringing the bell.
Oh god.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
Don't fucking cry.
Nope, I'm gonna cry.
It's been so much pain. I've spent this last month alone.
Even though I miss Liam, I'm so angry with him that he doesn't trust me.
I shut the door in their faces and walk away, slamming the door to my bedroom.
It's not locked.
I hear the front door open, and then shut, and then it's silent.
Now that they know I didn't lie, now they'll talk to me.
Now they can fucking trust me enough to speak to me.
I want to tell everyone but Izzy to get the fuck out.
None of them really know what to do, so nobody comes to bother me.
I change out of my sweatshirt into a tank top and sweatpants.
That song I wrote rings in my ears.
When they love me
They leave me
It's true.
My guard is up. It's up so high, I'm not sure I'll be able to hold a conversation with any of them.
But I have to.
Mostly because I want to go be alone and the only way I can is if I talk to them.
And I'm not crying.
No, I'm just angry.
I walk into the living room, leaning against the post supporting the ceiling that rests on the kitchen counter.
My arms are crossed, and I just glare at them, my ankles crossed.
We're all just kinda staring at each other.
I'm so angry,
Dad opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.
"I love how, now that you bitches know I actually wasn't lying, now you can speak to me. Now you can trust me. Now I'm not the fucked up daughter, or the deadbeat girlfriend. Now I'm a decent human being."
"Abby," Dad starts.
"You guys realize I was alone for a month." I whisper. "I had nobody. Every. Single. Person. That ever said they loved me wouldn't speak to me. Not Hailey, not my sister, not my boyfriend, my parents, my grandparents, my aunt, my uncle, my cousins. I was alone. I had nobody."
"Okay, let's switch the roles here." Liam says.
He knows I'm pissed.
"Say that I was addicted to drugs in high school. Say I promised you that I didn't do drugs, and then Zeke found a bag of weed in my suitcase? Are you gonna believe me?"
I think about it.
I really, really think about it.
"Yes."
"How?" he asks, outraged.
"Liam, Izzy was fucked up!" I yell at him. "She was fucking smirking the entire time we were arguing!"
Silence.
"I'm sorry." He whispers. "I fucked up, Abby, I know I did. I really, really fucked up."
It's quiet for a long time.
"Liam, I can't take this anymore. I've been abandoned. I can't handle another fallout. It's back and forth with us! Everyone that has ever loved me has left. Now, I'll admit that I'm in and out of my head a lot, but I can't take this pain. I can't keep doing this. Either you're with me, or you're not."
"I'm with you." He whispers. "I'm sorry, Abby. I'm really, really sorry. I should've believed you."
"I want for us to be together." I whisper. "I really, really do, but I need you to trust me."
"I do trust you."
"You trust me now. You trust me now because you know that the weed wasn't mine. What if something else comes up? How am I gonna know that you're going to trust me?"
It's quiet for a long time.
"You're gonna have to trust me, and trust that I trust you and that I won't abandon you again."
Trust.
It's the key to every relationship.
I stare at him for a long time, into his eyes.
If he says he won't leave me again, I trust him.
If he says he won't, then he won't.
I nod slowly.
"Okay." I whisper. "I trust you."
"Are we good?" he asks.
I sigh.
"Yeah."
The house is quiet for a minute.
"Honestly Abby, I don't have an excuse. I'm a shitty father and I'm sorry I didn't trust you."
"Yeah, same." Mum says.
I sigh.
"You're forgiven."
Zeke sighs.
"I'm sorry I'm a shitty future brother in law."
"You're not a shitty future brother in law, you're just a dick. And, you're forgiven."
"Honestly Abby, I believed you the whole time." Mrs. Ashton says.
"Yeah, so did I." Mr. Ashton says.
"It's true." Liam says. "They were yelling at me a lot."
"Abby, are you forgiving me for putting that shit on Liam's back?" Liam asks.
"Yeah." I sigh.
"Speaking of, I got that off." Liam says, lifting his shirt, he turns around.
Fuck.
His back.
He's so muscular.
I wanna fuck.
"Mine is tanned in." Zeke grins.
I nod, but I don't reply.
"If you're not mad anymore, why aren't you moving?" Liam asks.
"I'm waiting." I say.
"For what?" he asks.
"For you to come over here." I reply.
He smiles and walks over to me. I stand up so I'm not leaning on the wall.
"Alright Abby, we're leaving." Dad says. "We've gotta come up with some sort of punishment for Izzy."
"Yeah, I need to go shopping. Liam, will you be home for dinner?"
He hasn't touched me yet.
"No, he won't." I say.
"They're probably going to be having sex all night. He won't be home tonight." Zeke snickers.
I smirk.
"Well, he's not wrong."
"Well..." Mr. Ashton says.
"Use protection." Mum says. "Unless you want a child. Which, you shouldn't, because you're still in college and you're not married."
I can't remember the last time Liam and I have used a condom.
It feels so much better without one.
When it's a condom, it means less.
With condoms, it's me and rubber, not me and him.
"Okayyyyyyy." I say, dragging out the Y, I peak around Liam. "Bye!"
"Why are you rushing us?" Zeke snickers.
"Because, dammit, I've had sex once in three years."
"Who was the once?" he frowns.
"Liam." I say. "In Australia."
"Damn." He says. "Fuck her raw, bro."
"Zeke!" Mrs. Ashton says, swatting at him.
He snickers.
I'm very open about sex. I go into detail. It doesn't bother me.
Liam though, he hates speaking about sex to anybody but me.
"Kay bye!" Liam says.
They're all snickering when they leave.