c h a p t e r | e i g h t e e n
My eyes landed on Elyes, who was fast asleep on my futon. He wanted to stay with me, to keep me company, and I thought it would be okay. But I didn't know how hard it was going to be to leave him. I thought he deserved an actual goodbye, but I knew that if I woke him, he wouldn't let me go. He would have done anything in his power to make me stay, to make me know that it wasn't an option.
But I had to do it.
I swallowed; it went down hard as my throat tightened. The pain was agonizing like I had to drink water to open it up again. But I knew that water wouldn't help. It was like that because my body was trying to tell me to stay in the room. To not leave. But I knew that I couldn't.
It wasn't an option, though everyone said that it was. But I was stuck in a narrow, black room, and the longer I stayed there, the longer it sucked out the oxygen in my lungs. The longer I stayed, the more of a chance I would die anyway. I was dying—just slowly, and it was excruciating.
I turned back to the computer and wrote the rest of the short story for Jake. I then sent it to his email.
As my body turned once more and my eyes stayed in contact with his sleeping, relaxed body, a tear dwindled down my face.
He was like an angel from heaven, a guardian. Beautiful.
But I was destroying him, and everything around me. It was like I was a demon, a deadly sin. And no matter how hard I tried to fight my way out of Hell, the Devil's hands would continue to grasp me in his palms and drag me down into the fiery pits of the Underworld.
"I'm sorry," I said under my breath.
I stood, slowly making my way toward him. I gently reached into his pocket and grabbed out his car keys, grasping them tightly in my hands, making sure they didn't jingle to wake him up. After opening the window, I went out into the cold, closing the window gently so he didn't wake up from the frigid weather.
Making my way to his car, I unlocked it, got in, and put the key into the ignition.
But I paused.
I stared at the steering wheel for a moment, fighting over what I should do or what I shouldn't do. Did I want to do this? Was it really the only option I had? My heart was telling me no, but my brain was telling me to leave. I couldn't choose which one to listen to, which one to follow.
With that, I turned the key and the engine started.
:c:
My foot slightly pressed on the brake, allowing the car to come to a full, complete stop. I left the keys in the ignition, but turned off the engine. When I got out of the car, I made my way to the end of the forest, where the cliffs were.
It was a ten minute walk to the edge, which was a downside since I only wanted to do end it all quickly. But apparently, I was dragging it out.
I reached the last bunch of trees, and I stood there at the edge of the rocks, just looking out to the ocean. I didn't know why I continued to do so, because I didn't want it to drag out. Why did I stop? I couldn't I just fall and get this over with?
"Alysha!" a scream echoed. I didn't bother with who it was coming from. In fact, I felt like I was frozen in place, and the energy I had left in me was all gone.
But in an instance, I felt warm arms grasp around my waist, and my body was dragged a few feet back, away from the cliff. It was then that I realized that my entire body had fell limp. But even though I knew he was there, holding me, I couldn't get anything out or react. It was to a point that I just didn't care. Or maybe I did, but my brain just numbed itself completely?
I didn't know.
"Alysha, what are you doing out here?" Elyes questioned, having me sit on one of the boulders. I just looked at him. Why on earth would I be here for any other reason? Although, I suppose that I could've came up there just to think, to get away from life. But that wouldn't be true.
"H-how'd y-ou get u-u-up he-here?" I choked out, ignoring his question.
"Jake," he said. Jake sat on another boulder next to me. Elyes knelt down on one knee, to be eye-leveled. "Now why did you leave to come here? To think?"
That was when the tears came out. Because I didn't come to think. I came to die.
I shook my head.
Jake's hand found mine. "Alysha, suicide is not the answer."
"It is. It solves my problems," I finally said. The words didn't come out in pieces, but my throat was burning. I had to get through the pain.
"But Jake is right; it may solve your problems, but it creates more. And the problems that you have will never leave, they will linger."
"But I'm tired," I cried out. "I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of it all. The pain keeps on seeping into my skin, and it spreads throughout every part of me, creating wounds that just won't heal. I'm done, El. I'm done, Jake. I'm sorry."
"But we can fix this—!"
"No, you can't! I can't fix this. You can't fix this. God won't fix it. Nothing. Will. Work."
"Is it Paige, Alysha? Is it your body image? Is it me?" Elyes continued, trying to understand my depression. I was surprised that he just didn't see it. How it was everything, and nothing at the same time.
"It's me! It's me, Elyes. I'm the problem!" I shrieked, trying to claw my nails into the boulder from anger. But it didn't work, obviously.My nails would just glide across the rough surface. I breathed in,trying to calm myself down. "I can't explain it. In fact, it can't even be explained. There is just . . . a negative energy just gnawing itself into me and I can't get it off or out of me. And it won't leave. And I'm just stuck in a room that gets smaller and smaller every moment, and no matter what I do . . . no matter how hard I try to escape it . . . it's still there. Haunting me. I don't know who to turn to, who talk to—I don't even want to talk to anyone about it. I just feel like no one cares."
"There are people that care, though," Jake announced. I looked to him and he was already crying. "How many times do we have to explain it, to let it sink into that thick skull of yours? Elyes and I care about you, and your parents do, too. Isn't that enough? Or do you need the entire world?"
"How would I know, though? If people did care about me?"
"What kind of question is that?" Elyes chuckled, sounding as if I made a joke. But his face became serious again and he continued. "You would know if they were around you a lot, trying to hang out with you, trying to find excuses to be with you. They would text you all the time, even in the middle of the night when you're trying to sleep, but they just want to know how you are, or what you're dreaming or thinking about. They would talk to you when no one else would, and laugh at your jokes even if they don't make sense or if they're not funny. They would try to cheer you up if you're feeling down, and hold you in their arms to cry because it makes them feel like they are needed in your life. And they would try everything that they can to stop you from committing suicide because they want you in their future, a part of their life."
I couldn't even look at him.
This was why I wanted to do it alone, I thought. It would have been so much easier to jump without them in the way. Without them seeing the demise.
He did care, didn't he?
Of course, Alysha! It's obvious he cares about you! How can that be hard to register?!
It wasn't. Being in that room that I was stuck in, I couldn't trust anyone but myself. No, scratch that—I couldn't even trust myself. The demons did that to me. They took away my confidence, myself-esteem, my life—so much that I didn't even know who was therefor me. I didn't know if Elyes truly loved me. Because of course, a kiss couldn't mean anything, right? It was the heat of the moment. It had to be.
He didn't love me.
No one cared about me.
I was alone in life.
Alysha, stop thinking that! I quickly thought. He does care. People do care. You aren't alone.
No. It wasn't true.
I began to cry even harder, as I forced myself into the arms of Elyes. He held me tight, as if he knew I would leave him. His strength tightened, lacing his fingers as they were touching my back, holding me in his chest.
"I love you," I whispered. I loved him. I truly did.
But I let go of his shirt, and I pulled myself away from him. My feet dragged my body away from the two boys. I had to quicken my pace before they knew where I was going, before they could grab me.
"Alysha, no!" Jake said, standing up. But it was Elyes who stood on his feet, ran toward me, and grasped my arm, then his palm held onto my wrist. My toes hit the edge of the cliff.
He knew.
I turned around and just kept my eyes on his for a moment.
"I'm sorry," I said.
And I pulled my hand out of his grasp, finally falling off the cliff, into the ocean.