With his hands hidden in the pockets of his jacket, Spencer was strolling through the city. It was late, some minutes after midnight, he guessed. And there weren't many people outside at this time. But Spencer didn't care. He wanted to be alone at the moment. He didn't feel the need to talk to anyone because people would ask him how he was feeling, what was wrong and he was tired of explaining.
The four walls in his apartment had felt like a prison to him during the last hours, so he'd have to escape. And now he was here, somewhere downtown, while most lights behind windows were already turned off. A sigh left Spencer's mouth as he put the collar of his jacket up. It was getting cold; a chilly wind had started and made Spencer's hair look even messier than it already was. He didn't care. There was no way he'd go back home right now. He'd only stroll through the rooms while trying to get rid of his thoughts, what he never managed anyway.
It had been nine months. Nine months since he'd lost his first – and he was sure his only – love, Maeve Donovan. She got killed by a crazy stalker, right in front of him. He had gotten some time off from work and when he'd come back to the BAU, everyone around him was careful. Careful about what they were saying, what they were doing and sometimes he felt someone's look on his back. And Spencer knew what they were thinking: Would he ever get over Maeve's death? Would he ever be the same again? He himself didn't even know the answers to these questions. And every day he prayed that no one would ask him how he was feeling and if they could help him somehow. No one could. He knew he had to get over it. And sometimes he felt like he could do it. There were days and even weeks he felt good and thoughts about Maeve were rare. And then there were days and especially nights when he couldn't stop thinking about her, about her death and racked his brains if there would've been any chance to save her. But no matter how much he thought about it, nothing would bring Maeve back and Spencer had to learn living with this fact.
~
Suddenly, without even realizing, Spencer found himself entering a 24-hours-store. There weren't many people in there anymore at that time of the night, he immediately saw. The shop was small, so Spencer could take in everything with one look. Only a business man and a young dark haired woman were in here with him. The young agent strolled through the shop, looked at stuff he didn't really need but still grabbed: A jar of ice cream, shampoo, some bottles of beer, a random magazine, chewing gum and cereals. Absorbed in his thoughts, Spencer slowly walked towards the salesman. He didn't see the young woman which came from the other side, not looking where she was walking neither. They collided and both let fall their purchases. "Oh, shit! Sorry!" The young woman murmured as she bent down to grab what she had let fallen. "It's my fault as well." Spencer quietly said as he did the same as she. When they both grabbed their jars of ice cream, Spencer stopped and looked up, into her face – which was quite pretty. A little smile appeared on his lips. "Chocolate Chip?" He just asked and she nodded. „It's my favorite flavor." She said and stood up again, holding all the things she wanted to buy in her arms. "Mine as well." Spencer held up his jar of ice cream, what made her smirk. "What are you doing in a 24-hours-store after midnight?" He then curiously asked. She pressed her lips together as if she was thinking about telling him her reasons why or not.
And she was seriously thinking about it while she watched him putting his purchases on the sales counter. She didn't know this young man and although she could see the same sadness as hers in his eyes, she wasn't quite sure about telling him about the most heartbreaking time of her life. She cleared her throat and he turned around to look at her once again. "I...couldn't sleep. Happens every once in a while." She murmured and watched him paying before it was her turn. Spencer nodded a few seconds later. "Happens to me too." He just said and waited for her to pay. She frowned. Why was he waiting? Didn't he want to go home? It was late and he looked tired; at least as tired as she felt. But she didn't dare to sleep. Not tonight. "What are you waiting for?" She asked him as she grabbed the bag full of her purchases. Spencer winced. "Oh, I...uhm..." He stammered and let his fingers run through his messy hair. "I don't know about you, but...I could need a coffee." He finally managed to say. „Would you...like to join me?" For a moment there was silence between them, but then she nodded. "I know a coffee shop that's open twenty-four hours." She said and they both went down the nightly streets, their purchases in their arms.
~
With a cup of black coffee Spencer sat face to face with the young woman. They both were silent as they didn't really know what they should talk about. All the way to this coffee shop and as they waited to get their black coffee and vanilla macchiato, they hadn't said a word. Spencer skidded on his chair and cleared his throat. "So...what's your name? I'm Spencer Reid." He gave her a little smile as she looked up to him. For the last few minutes she'd been starring into her macchiato. "I'm Dawn. Dawn Ledford." Her voice was low and Spencer could see how she swallowed. "You look sad. What's going on?" He asked now. His question took her by surprise. „Well, you look sad too. What's going on with you?" She countered and a little laugh escaped Spencer's lips. "I was the first to ask." Spencer wouldn't give up that easily. Dawn bit her lips and looked down at her coffee again. She turned around the cup in her hands, over and over again. Spencer waited patiently. He wasn't in a hurry, he had more than enough time and he was curious. He wanted to know why this young woman have had the same idea as him in the middle of the night and why there was a sadness in her eyes he knew oh so well.
Dawn glanced at him once again and this time Spencer could see tears in her eyes. "Today is the first anniversary of my boyfriend's dead." Her voice wasn't more than a whisper as she told Spencer. Her fingers were clasped to the white porcelain cup. "I'm sorry to hear that." Spencer quietly said. He swallowed but the lump in his throat didn't seem to disappear. She had lost a loved person as well. Spencer suddenly didn't feel that lonely anymore. Dawn shook her head. "It's ridiculous. It's been a year now and I...I still can't get over it. I can't get over his dead and the fact, that he'll never come back anymore, makes me sick to my stomach. I still have nightmares almost every night." She let out a sigh and took a sip of her coffee. Spencer did the same.
"What happened a year ago?" He then asked. There was a possibility that Dawn wouldn't answer that question, but still...he could ask. And much to his surprise, she let herself sink into the comfortable chair while holding the cup of coffee in her hands and started talking: "It was late and I had a flu...Milo wanted to go the next twenty-four-hours pharmacy to get me some meds. On the way back home a car hit him..." Dawn paused, trying to hold back the upcoming tears. She didn't want to cry in front of Spencer. She didn't even know this young man and she didn't know why she told him everything. But he seemed to be hurt as well. It was a quite strange feeling, as if they both could understand each other's pain. And the look in his eyes showed her that he must have lost someone important to him as well.
"He...he died almost...immediately. The doctors told me he...didn't have to suffer, that he maybe didn't even realize what happened...they thought this would be kind of a consolation to me but...it wasn't." Dawn didn't look at Spencer when she talked. She couldn't bear to see the pity in his eyes. Because that was what she saw in everyone's eyes whenever she talked about Milo's death. "You think it's all your fault." Spencer murmured unexpectedly what caused Dawn to avert her eyes from the coffee to meet Spencer's hazel ones. She slowly nodded. "I don't just think that it's all my fault. I know that it's all my fault." A sad smile was on her lips when she put a strand of her black hair behind her ear. "If...if I wouldn't have told him to go and buy me some meds he would still be alive. He would still be with me and we'd...probably be engaged or even married..." A sob escaped Dawn's lips and she immediately lifted a hand to cover her mouth.
Spencer reached over the table and grabbed her other hand. "This is not your fault, Dawn. You were sick. You needed some meds. And of course he would've gone and bring you something. He loved you." He managed to give her an encouraging smile and she started to wipe away the tears that were streaming down her face now. "I just can't get rid of this sense of guilt. I don't think I'll ever be able to." She whispered. Spencer sighed. It seemed like it was time to tell her his story. To tell her about Maeve and how she died, although even only the thought about it, only the memory, let his heart literally break into a thousand pieces again. But she looked desperate and he knew she had to go through the same pain as him.
And so he started. He told Dawn about Maeve, about how they got to know each other. About how he started to fall in love with her and how he had been speechless when she told him she loved him. And how much he regretted that he never told her that he loved her too. The words just dropped out of his mouth without him even having any chance to stop them. It felt oddly good to talk about the pain and Spencer knew Dawn understood. She knew about this pain. Although his colleagues and friends had assured him that they understood, they not really did. The only who was close to understand was Spencer's boss Aaron Hotchner, because he knew what it felt like to lose a beloved woman since he'd lost his wife Hailey some years ago. But the others...they would never understand his pain and his thoughts. They told him it hadn't been his fault. They told him he had to go on again. And he'd started to act normal again. Whatever being normal meant. But they stopped asking questions about how he was doing. They thought he was fine again. But he actually wasn't. Not yet.
He felt Dawn's fingers touching his hand and he glanced at her. "I'm sorry about your loss, Spencer. But it...it feels good to have finally met someone who exactly knows how I am feeling." The sad smile on her face showed him all the sympathy and he squeezed her hand. "Maybe...maybe it's easier to go on and leave the past in the past when there's someone who understands and doesn't judge." Spencer quietly said and Dawn nodded. "Yeah, maybe we should try to move on together. Milo and Maeve wouldn't want us to suffer forever, right?" Spencer laughed quietly as he stood up. "I'm sure they wouldn't. Let's go, it's late. Or better...early." He said as he looked outside. The sun was already about to come out and morning had broken. Both, Spencer and Dawn, were surprised at how long they actually had been sitting in this coffee shop and felt like this could be the beginning of a great friendship. They both needed someone to hold on to, someone who understood. And it looked like they'd found that someone, in the middle of the night, somewhere in a small grocery shop.