Real Talk
River looked as handsome as ever. He held me close to him the whole night. Like I was the only girl in the world. The only one that mattered.
I knew I should still be mad at him. I had all the right in the world to be. He kissed my cousin, for God's sake, I should be angry as hell.
But I couldn't be. This right here, right now, is perfect. I can't ruin it with anger. And I knew he was sorry. I knew he never intended for it to happen. Kylie Sue forced herself on him, I was mad at her not him. She intentionally took advantage of River when, he was weak, in order to break us up.
I don't know why I didn't see this coming. I knew Kylie Sue kind of liked River and she's always been my personal bully. Even back when we were in elementary school, she was my source of torture and suffering. She knew my weak spots. Knew exactly where to hit me. And she did. She did in the most painful way possible.
I caught River and Kylie Sue locking lips two weeks ago. I still remember it like it was yesterday.
I was practically running to the courtyard. I was so excited to show River the 'A' I got on my chemistry test that he helped me study for. The courtyard was full and I found it hard to find River in the crowd. He wasn't in the normal spot where I meet him. I stood up on top of one of the tables and looked out. Then I saw him.
He was leaning up against the wall, arms crossed, a frown on his face. But that wasn't surprising, he always looks sullen ever since the accident. What was surprising was that Kylie Sue was standing incredibly close to him, her talon like fingers gripping his hip, batting her eyes, and leaned in to whisper in his ear. She pulled away and gave him a flirtatious smile. He stood frozen.
I wanted him to turn away and run. I willed him with all my might. I sent a silent prayer that he won't do anything unfaithful to me. I prayed that he could hear my thoughts and leave my whore of a cousin's company.
I waited for what felt like too long. They stood completely unmoving and I had to go break it up. I looked down to step off the table, looked back up to see that in a flash, Kylie Sue had her hands in my boyfriends hair, was kissing him furiously, and he stood there taking it. He didn't break away. He let her penetrate her tongue in his mouth.
I stood in shock until they broke away. Kylie Sue pulled back smiled seductively at him, turned her head and smiled maliciously at me.
I couldn't hold back anymore. I let out an extremely loud sob. And even with my tears clouding my vision, I could see that I caught everyone's attention, and all eyes were on me, including River's.
He took a step towards me but I quickly turned around and ran. Everyone in the courtyard immediately moved to give me a straight exit, like I was Moses and they were the Red Sea.
I hid myself in a bathroom stall, not even checking to see if the restroom was empty. I threw my backpack on the ground and sat down on the toilet. My head in my hands, shoulders shaking. Sobs escaped my mouth. I struggled to breathe. Soon enough I was hyperventilating.
There was a loud crash then the sound of frantic footsteps. "Annie! Annabelle!"
Jenna wretched the door open, pulled me out of the stall, and wrapped me up in a hug. We sank down to the ground leaning against the wall. She held me tight as I shook with heart wrenching sobs and screams. My head was on her shoulder. Tears dripped off my face and down her neck and t-shirt. She rocked me back and forth, stroked my hair, and kept me tightly in her arms.
She stayed there with me, even after the bell rang for class to start, listening to my heart break painfully slow in to a million tiny pieces. She even stayed with me when my exhaustion and hyperventilating caught up with me, causing me to crawl back to the toilet, regurgitated that mornings breakfast, and cry even harder as the bile burned my esophagus. She held my hair away from my face and rubbed my back encouragingly. She even stayed when I was all out of tears to cry and too weak to get back up.
I feel asleep in her arms on the bathroom floor, and woke up on a treatment table in the training room. I was thankful for the curtain that hung around the table, separating me from the rest of the world. I stayed there until the bell for school to end rang and Mr. Helburn came to get me. He told me to go home, instead of staying for after school practice. He also advised me, with pity in his eyes, to not come back to school tomorrow. Based his reasoning on the fact that I hurled and passed out on the bathroom floor, though I knew that was definitely not his only reason.
I picked up my backpack off the ground and walked to the front of the school. Everyone, teachers and students alike, gave me pitying stares as I walked by. Even the usually unaffected elementary school kids gave me sad looks and got out of my way. The whole school knew. The whole town knew.
I found Bethany, Brittany, and Jenna. They were huddled together in deep conversation. Whispering angrily to one another even though they all shared the same thought. They stopped when they saw me. Concern written all over their faces.
I hated being on the receiving end of these looks. I didn't want to be pitied or tip toed around. I felt anxious under the sorrowful eyes of my peers.
I got a ride back to Jenna's house, not ready to face my parents, from Pastor Burns. I thanked the Lord for keeping his hand around Bethany's father's mouth that day. I didn't need to hear him preaching about how God does everything for a reason, say how he never thought River could do something so awful, and then move on to Beth and Cheyenne to tell his daughters how boys are a waste of time.
I stayed locked up in Jenna's room until Landon got home from football practice. He burst into his sister's room. His shoulders were slumped and his eyes were still wild with anger, but they softened when he saw my puffy eyes looking up at him. He dismissed Jenna and Faith from the room, who were soothingly braiding and unbraiding my hair. He came to sit next to me, taking my hand in his, and pressing his lips against my temple. He then reluctantly told me that when Jenna raced after me, he stopped River, who stood there and took a beating from Landon. He said that River didn't even fight back, but Landon was too pissed to stop. The teachers came and broke it up. River got a busted lip and plenty of bruises, while Landon got a week of detention. They were also both forbidden to play in that weeks game. Coach was fuming.
I looked up at River now, bruised face and busted lip completely healed. He was very attentive to me and didn't acknowledge anybody else. I was the only one that matter in that moment. On that night. And even though he had broken my heart just a few weeks before, I sickeningly wished that it would last forever. And even more sickening than that was that was the night he chose to end it all.
He kissed me slowly and passionately all night. Like he was savoring the moment. Like he knew that it would be the last time he would be able to hold me and kiss me in such a way. And little did I know, it was. Because just hours after we made love in a little motel in the town over, I went home to make curfew, and he stayed to committed suicide.
~•~•~•~
I sat up gasping for air. Sweat pooled around my sheets and made my pj's cling tightly to my body. My hair was matted and knotted into a rat's nest on top of my head. Tears streaked down my face. I sat alone in my dark room. I could barely see my shaking hands in front of my face. I looked over at the alarm clock on my night stand. It was only three in the morning, but I knew that after that revision of my past, there was no way that I'd be able to go back to sleep.
I sat up and got out of bed. There is only one thing that can calm me down and give me some comfort at this point. I changed into jeans and a tank top, crept quietly down the stairs, left my parents a terse note, grabbed my keys, walked outside, and turned on the engine of my truck.
I quietly pulled out of my street, and once I thought I was clear I stomped in the accelerator. I was going seventy five miles per hour, forty five miles over the speed limit, on a empty street. I slowed down a bit as I turned on to a dirt road. I was pushing my truck as fast as possible without being flipped over because of the curvy road. I could hear rocks fly up and hit the underneath of the vehicle. I rolled down my window, letting the cool wind caress my face and run its fingers through my hair. Dust flew in my eyes and in my mouth, but I didn't mind.
All I cared about was gettin' gone. I wanted to be lost. To get away from all the pressure and the stress and most of all my past sorrows. I knew I had to go back eventually, but right now in this moment, in my mind, I'll be gone for forever. A small infinity of having no troubles and no strife. An tiny infinity of being alone in my truck, singing loudly with the radio, and taking comfort in the never ending road ahead of me.
It was an extremely peaceful ride. I found myself slowing down to almost a crawl. I focused on the clear dark sky speckled with many magnificent bright starts, the cool crisp air, the sounds of night owls and crickets, and the unfamiliar sinuous country road. Everything was at peace and I felt myself falling freely right into that feeling. As I gave into my senses a wave of calmness washed over me. My once tight muscles were now loose and relaxed. My mind depleted of every troubling thought.
Whenever I'm feeling suffocatingly vulnerable, I find a new path. Driving was my therapy and the old dirt road before me way my therapist. Always there. Always listening. Always caring. Always ready to advise. Always radiates comfort and confidence. Always strengthens me. Always leaves me feeling renewed.
By the time I reached the end of the road, the sun was peaking out of the horizon. I turned around, facing in the direction of home, parked, and got out of the truck. I laid down in the bed and admired the bright oranges, pinks, and yellows of the sunrise.
I pulled back into my driveway a little after eight o'clock. Luckily, my parents weren't up yet. I was greeted at the front door by a hungry Huntress and Shotgun. Huntress, our small toy fox terrier, jumped up on my leg and panted with her tongue out. Her eyes were pleading and I laughed. Bending down to pet her, I asked in a baby voice, "you want some food? Huh? You want some food?" She barked. "Let's go."
Huntress and Shotgun followed me into the kitchen and sat patiently waiting for me to fill up their big bowl. Shotgun, a much larger Labrador retriever, was pushed aside by his assertive kennel mate. Huntress gobbled up the kibble, leaving no room for Shotgun to join her. When she was done she ran back into the living room and chomped down on her stuffed squirrel. Shotgun took his turn and then laid down in his bed.
"How you doin' big boy?" I asked him. I scratched behind his ears. He closed his eyes and leaned into my hand. As I scratch down his neck, he turns over onto his back. "Oh! You're so spoiled, aren't you? Aren't you?" I continued to rub his belly.
"Are you talkin' to the dogs again?" My mama stood behind me with her hands on her hips. "I think you might need to start makin' some more friends." She teased.
"Ha ha. Very funny." I said but didn't cease to stop petting Shotgun.
"You were home early last night." She said getting straight to the point. Her back was turned to me but I could tell that, despite her voice, she was worried and stressed. Her shoulders were tense and she whipped the pancake batter furiously.
I tried to go at it as calmly as possible. "Um yeah. I didn't feel too good, and it was just getting really loud and crowded. Plus, when I left they were starting the slow dances. I did my one obligated one then left."
"You didn't dance with Landon?"
I wanted to slap myself. I had forgotten that everyone still thinks Landon and I are a couple. "Er. I did. Just not a slow dance. You know how much of a clumsy dancer he is. I didn't want my toes to get stepped on." It was a lie. Landon was actually a good dancer, but my mama didn't know that. And she bought it.
"I guess. But why didn't he dropped you off back home?" She asked inquisitively.
"I told him not to worry 'bout it. I didn't wanna spoil his fun, 'cause once you leave the dance you can't come back in."
"Alright." She didn't completely buy it but she bought it enough to stop questioning me.
"There's my little homecomin' queen."
I stood up and smiled weekly at my father. "Mornin' Daddy." He cupped my cheeks and kissed my forehead.
"What's for breakfast, Suellen?" He asked my mama when he pulled away.
"Can't you see that I'm makin' pancakes?" She sassed.
He walked around the counter to where she was standing with her back still facing me. "Yes. But you're adorable when you get annoyed." He wrapped his arms around her waist and nuzzled his head in her neck. She giggled.
It would have been cute had it not have been my parents. But it was my parents and I unreasonably grossed out, just like every teenager is when they see their parents being all lovey dovey. I just had to ruin the moment.
I made some fake barfing noises. "I think I just lost my appetite. I'm gonna go back up to my room. Call me when y'all are done and breakfast is ready."
When I entered my room I heard a bleep come from my laptop. I opened up my email thinking it was just another college admissions office talking about applying to them and getting scholarships. I need to unsubscribe to all those emails. But when I looked at my only unopened email, it wasn't from a college, but from and unrecognizable email address.
I knew I should ignore it but I was curious. There was no written message. Just some sort of download. I clicked on it and a video came up. "Annabelle Storm for Homecoming Queen," it read, with a picture of me in my homecoming dress from freshman year.
Jenna's voice came through my computer. "Hey y'all, Jenna Bradshaw here. I know I should be campaigning for myself like Kylie Sue and Brittany, but truth is I don't really want the crown, and there is someone else who deserve it so much more. This is why." The music that was playing softly in the background and as her voice faded out, it began to play louder. It was Stilettos by Kelsea Ballerini.
Words started to appear on the black screen. It read, "Annabelle Storm: kind, loving, caring, selfless, shy, wise, funny, witty, beautiful." Though it could have equally used other not so wonderful adjectives, such as; non-sociable, awkward, judgmental, lonely, undesirable.
Pictures of me from all different ages faded in and out. They were of me helping players on the football field, helping other trainers, doing homework, roasting a marshmallow over a fire, swinging on the swings at the Bradshaw's, riding Dance Partner, swimming in the lake, helping Jenna splash her brothers, lifeguarding, reading a book, laughing with Sloan in my lap, dancing with the lighting bugs, sticking my tongue out at Landon, driving my truck, wearing bright pastel colors for a family picture on Easter, playing with the little ones on the playground, and being surrounded in a group hug from Britt, Beth, and Jenna on my birthday. The only thing they all had in common was that I was inconsistently happy. My eyes were bright and full of life, youth, and mischief. I had a big, toothy, genuine smile in all of them.
"She's the kind of girl who puts everyone else's needs before her own... even when she's going through her own personal hell."
A picture of River's funeral faded in from behind the words. We were all dressed in black. I looked like a mess. I had dark circles under my blood shot eyes and visible tear stains marking my cheeks. My hair was frizzy and tangled. My dress hung on me awkwardly. I was as pale as a ghost. But, I was passing out food to all the other grieving friends and family, making sure they all ate, even though I physically couldn't.
"She always has a smile on her face, despite all her troubles. She is a beaming light that brings everyone to happiness and reason. But if you look closely she, herself, isn't truly happy."
Two pictures popped up side by side to each other in comparison. The first was my yearbook picture form freshman year. I looked like I did in the pictures that showed at the beginning of the video. Happy and put together. The other, was my yearbook from junior year. In that one I wore a forced smile with no sparkle in my eyes.
"She still smiles and has fun but her heart isn't completely in it anymore."
Two more pictures faded in. One was of me and River when we first started dating. He was looking down at me, and I up at him. His arm was around my waist and his other hand was in my hair. I was wearing a big stupid grin and an embarrassing blush. The other picture, was taken a few weeks ago. It was of me smiling at Brittany during truth or dare. The two smiles were completely different.
"Let's see that real happy smile again! If anyone deserves to be happy, it's Annie."
Another old picture of me smiling up at the camera from above me played across the screen.
"Let's do this for her as a thank you for all that she has done for us."
Pictures of me on the football field, in the training room, on a playground, in an empty class room, on the stand at the pool, on the Bradshaw's farm, in an animal shelter, and in a nursing home zoomed across the screen in single file. In all of them I was helping others. From reading a book to our towns elderly, to tutoring other students, to babysitting a group of children while their parents were at the annual wine festival.
"So please, vote Annabelle Storm for homecoming queen."
One last picture entered in before the screen faded to black. It was taken from behind me. I was swinging on a swing at the the Bradshaw's, overlooking the pond, in the dark, with my head down.
I closed my laptop, unable to comprehend anything that just happened. I didn't know if I felt angry, or sad, or touched about it. Maybe, I felt a bit of everything. I sniffed and wiped my nose across my arm. I hugged myself and attempted to clear my mind.
This was my town. My town. The place that I've always accused of being evil and greedy and self-serving for so many years. But this, this, is the least selfish thing ever. And it was for me. Me.
I sniffed again. I suddenly wanted to cry, to thank everyone, to hug everyone. I wanted to apologize for ever thinking badly of anybody and to some how give back.
"Annabelle! Breakfast!" My mama yelled from downstairs.
I ran down and ate quickly, not engaging in conversation.
I made a quick excuse about having to be somewhere after I cleaned away my dishes, and left. At first I wanted to drive to every house and thank everyone individually, but I knew there was one person who I should thank first, and another person I need to see.
I drove to the Bradshaw's first. I walked in, not bothering to knock. They were just wrapping up breakfast when I walked in. Brandi greeted me first. "Well, if it isn't our own lil' homecomin' queen come to pay us a visit." She stood up and hugged me. Emily, Sloan, Hunter, Faith, Landon, Dan, Maddox, and Jenna soon followed. The cowboy stood off to the side awkwardly.
"Jenna, can I talk to ya for a minute?" I asked.
She nodded nervously. "Sure."
Together we walked to her room. She closed the door behind us. I sat down on her lumpy, unmade bed and motioned for her to join me, like it was my own.
"So. Umm. Do you... do you know?" She asked when she sat.
I nod. "I saw the video. Someone sent it to me this morning."
"Are you mad?"
I shook my head. "No. I'm not mad. I wanted to be, but it was the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. Why?"
"Because I want my happy best friend back. Two years is a long time to suffer alone. I just wanted to see you smile again. A real smile. Not the fake ones that I've seen too much of. I wanted you to be genuinely happy, even if it was just for a moment."
I sniffed. "Thank you," I whispered. There were tears in her eyes as she drew me into a hug. "Please don't cry, Jenna. If you cry then I'm gonna start crying, and I've already had enough of that today."
She pulled away. "What does that mean?"
"I dreamed about what happened at the sophomore homecomin'." I told her weakly.
"I thought those nightmares had passed a long time ago." She placed her hand on top of mine.
"They just recently started comin' back." I admitted. "And it's not just nightmares, it's flashbacks too. The littlest things will trigger a memory and set me off."
"What's different? What's bringin' them back after all this time?" She asked. I shrugged. I really had no clue what was makin' them reaper. "I think I know." She said surprising me. She wore a slight smile that was a mixture of sympathy and...glee. "It's Travis."
I stared at her, not sure if I heard her right. "What?"
"It's Travis," she repeated. "You have feelin's for him, and you feel guilty. You feel like you are betrayin' River."
"You're talkin' crazy. I do not like Travis Hillwood."
She pointed at me. "Ah. There you go again!"
I pushed her finger away. "What are you talking about?"
"When you first met Travis, you only ever called him the cowboy or Travis Hillwood. It wasn't until recently you actually used his first name and only his first name. Like a normal person. You were trying to distance yourself from him, then you allowed yourself to get a little closer, and now you're right back to pushing him and your feelings away!"
"H-h-how can you accuse me of having feelings for Travis? You know I'm datin' your brother."
She laughed. She actually laughed like it was the funniest joke she's ever heard. "Puh-lease. You think that my twin brother wouldn't tell me all 'bout his plan? In fact, I helped him with it."
"What do you mean you helped him?" I asked. She squirmed under my question and I could tell I wouldn't like what I was about to hear. "Jen. What did you do?"
"Now don't overreact, but I skewed Landon's plan so it worked for my wishes for you, and I may or may not have encouraged Travis to have a certain type of behavior with you last night."
I flinched. "Excuse me?" I don't know why but I felt hurt. "So all of that last night was you? None of that was him? Why would you do that? What did you have to accomplish?" I was practically screaming. "Oh my God." I pressed my hands to my cheeks. "I can only imagine what everyone thinks."
"Annie, please let me explain. It came out wrong. Travis was acting on his own, I never told him to hold you in such a way. I-I just knew that he wouldn't do anything without some encouragement, he's a gentleman and wouldn't go after someone else's girl. So I told him that I believed that you had real feelings for him, and the only way for him to find out if you truly do like him, was to push the boundaries a bit. He did the rest on his own."
"But why? Why, Jenna?" I asked again.
"Because I can tell that you really like him! You just needed a little push. So I was that invisible hand that guided you."
"Yeah, well it kinda feels more like a throwin' off a bridge than a small harmless push." I snapped.
"You didn't deny it this time!" She pointed at me again.
"What?"
"Do you like Travis, Annabelle?"
"Yes. No. I don't know." She stayed quiet and looked down at me. We stayed there, not saying a word, looking harshly into each other's eyes. I sighed. My face flushed. "I think I might."
She smiled. "So what are you gonna do 'bout it?"
I shook my head. "Nothing."
"Why? What's stopping you?"
I threw my hands up in the air. "River! I can't do that to him?"
"Do what to him, Annie? He's dead! He left you! You don't owe him anythin'!"
I started to feel myself shake. Hands trembling, I pointed my finger at her. "That's not fair."
"You're right, Annie. It isn't fair. It isn't fair that he kissed your cousin. It isn't fair that after you gave him a second chance, which he didn't deserve, he killed himself. It's not fair! You were always there for him, you let him lean on you, you put everything aside for him, but he couldn't hold on. He abused your trust, time, energy, and most importantly your heart. It's not fair that when he died he took away my happy friend down with him!" She was crying now. "It's not fair that I had to watch her struggle to get over a guy for two years, who didn't deserve her love in the first place!"
"Jenna," I whispered. "Please. I loved him."
"I know." She tried to control her tears. "I know it's wrong for me to hate a dead man. But I do. I really do. But I'll stop, for you. Only for you. I don't give a damn about him. Just one last thing, I don't think that River is low enough to not want you to be happy ever again. He would want you to go out and meet new people and fall in love again. He's not evil enough to want to keep you all too himself for forever. It's about time that you stop hidin' behind other people's problems, and start livin' your own life. And I'll always be here to catch you whenever you fall. I'm glad to be your safety net for once."
I blinked away the tears that started to stream down my face. "So what do I do?"
Jenna shrugged. "That's up to you. But... I'd start with going to talk to Travis."
Before I lost my confidence I stood up. Jenna stood up too and embraced me. "That's my girl." She whispered. "Go get 'em." She pulled away and practically pushed me out the door.
I heard Travis's voice coming through the door to his bedroom. I pressed my ear against it. "Alright Mama, I'll talk to you again soon. Bye. Love you too." I heard him hang up the phone and before I lost the courage, I knocked on the door. "Come in." He said.
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A/N:
Hey y'all! Omg I don't have the words to describe how happy I am. Thank you sooooo much for the 253 votes and over 7,000 reads! This is amazing! Love y'all bunches! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Tell me what y'all think in the comments and don't forget to vote.
Madison