He takes his hand off my mouth slowly and rubs away the tears but that only made me cower away from him. ‘Just leave me alone.’ I finally muttered opening my eyes but looking to the side so I couldn’t see him at all.
‘I’m sorry Remy. I’m so sorry. I know you don’t want to hear it but I am. I just… I really don’t know what I was thinking. I'm so ashamed of myself and I finally realise that.’ He says moving to where I was looking, but I look away to the other side.
‘Leave me alone.’ I say crudely clenching my jaw, still avoiding him as he tries to move to where my gaze was. He gives up and finally stops moving around now standing two meters in front of me, ‘Remy, please you have to listen to me. There’s something else I wanted to tell you as well.’
I ignore him and try to make my way to the door but he stops me and pushes me back to the wall again, this time leaving his hand on my shoulder calm and unnoticeably. ‘Remy, please, listen to me!’ he says starting to raise his voice, but for some reason there was a tint of anxiety. Why would he be anxious? What's there for him to be anxious about?
I shrug his hand off my shoulder and he brings it back to his sides but as he did so he leans in a bit closer – but not too close, and giving me no choice but to look at him. I only just hold in my gasp as I see bruises and cuts all over his face; the biggest bruise was on his cheek and it looked like he splattered a whole heap of red make-up on it or something.
Even though I hated him so much I couldn’t help but think what had happened, I wanted to ask him as it was on the tip of my tongue but I didn’t want to feel sorry for him. I hated him. Why should I even care?
I look away again as the memories of what happened the last time I saw him came flashing back and all of a sudden I could feel his touch on me again. Even though Billy was about a meter away from me right now I could still feel him; his hand gripping onto my wrist, his thumb running across my lip, his hand behind my neck, his body on mine. I shuddered and looked at the floor.
‘I thought I could trust you,’ I whispered softly choking back a sob. He didn’t hear me but knew I said something so moved closer a little. ‘I-I thought you were different. I actually trusted you Billy.’ I couldn’t look up for I feared that I would all of sudden burst into tears. ‘How could you do that to me? How?’ I cried fists clenched, still staring down at the floor.
‘That’s just what I do Remy. I know you won’t believe me but sometimes I don’t have control over what I'm doing, something else has control. But to hurt someone like you I didn’t think I would ever do it, I don’t even know why. I don’t know what was going through my head and what I was trying to prove.
‘But please, don’t be scared of me okay? I need to be here for you, for the sake of Jack as well as you. He’d want me to be here for you. I promised him.’
‘What would you know?’ I yelled at him. ‘What would you know about Jack, what would you know about me? I hate you and that’s all there is to it!’ I looked up at him angrily but didn’t wait for his answer.
‘If you really want to do something for Jack – just leave me alone, he wouldn’t want someone like you to be looking after me, not after what you did.’ I say disgustingly.
He looks at me hurt and opens his mouth to say something but then shuts it again searching for words to say but not finding them. He stands there for a while and for some reason I just stood there too, before finally he opens his mouth again and this time words came out. ‘I-I saw Jack.’ He says jaw tensed.
I felt frozen for some reason and just by the sound of Jack’s name coming out like that, it made me feel like crying; I still haven’t gotten over the fact that I could probably never see him again, and when I do he’ll probably already have a girlfriend or wife or something and will be getting on with life happily – just as I’d want him to.
I took deep breaths as I waited for Billy to tell me more. ‘Something’s… changed.’ And that’s all he seemed to have to say as a plain look covered his face.
‘W-what do you mean? What changed? What happened? Billy, what did you do?’ I yelled starting to panic, my eyes wavering around the room; first to this thing, then that, then that, then that again, and then this and that…
‘Remy, calm down; I didn’t do anything. It-it was just the atmosphere around him; it’s changed. Or maybe I just misread his actions. He seemed okay but he wasn’t the… you know… Jack as usual. But I didn’t talk to him; I wasn't allowed to.’ Billy says shutting the door and plopping himself down on my bed, I stayed where I was.
‘Y-you went to see him? What for? W-was he… okay?’ I stuttered starting to get concerned. Billy sighs and it started to make me even more anxious, ‘I saw Jack the other day; he looked… lost. Like he didn’t know what was going on and what was happening right then and there.
‘When I saw him walking around the street he seemed pretty out of it – his eyes distant. It was so weird because I’ve never seen him like that before; not even after our fight, or after… well, anything.’
I slid down the wall and stared at the floor as I crossed my legs, ‘why did you go see him all of a sudden? W-were you going to tell him, about our…?’ I trail off not wanting to finish the sentence because even the thought of it made me shudder and feel sick.
He hesitates and his voice almost turns into a whisper, ‘yeah, I was. After my Dad had a talk with me he, Zach and Tony gave me a thrashing. They were disgusted in me and my Dad was extra furious and disgusted, he said… he said that I wasn’t his son. “You could never be.” He said with that cold glare.’
I looked up at Billy to see his face but he was only staring creepily into space like he just saw a ghost or something, face pale. ‘He said he was… ashamed of me, that I had no right to be in this house, but it was because of you that he let me stay.’ He stops talking for a long moment and I wondered if he was ever going to start again.
‘It took almost a week until I could finally start walking again. And when I could, I stole one of the Jeep’s and rode to the other side of the island. That’s when I saw Jack but I couldn’t talk to him cos Tony found me and ordered me back here. As soon as I got home Daniel was there and he gave me a thrashing too, cos he couldn’t be there on the day everyone else got to.’ He stops and looks at me, ‘That’s where I got this,’ he points to the big red mark on his cheek and the cut on his lip.
‘Man did that hurt.’ He says sliding off the bed and sitting on the floor as well. He leans his head on my bed and looks up at the roof, his body slumped and tired.
Neither of us said anything for a while and I was glad because I tried to figure how I felt about all this.
In the end he got what he deserved. But was it too much? Should I feel sorry for Billy? Did they really bash him because of me? Was his father that angry that he would do and say that to his own son? Did The Warden, Zach and Tony care that much about me?
I open my eyes and find myself lying in bed, the blankets on top of me keeping me nice and warm. I sit up fast. The last thing I remember was talking to Billy and asking myself all these questions but I was sitting down, on the floor, wide awake.
I look around the room and find Billy sleeping slumped against the wall by the door, he was half sitting down and half lying down, his legs outstretched in front of him and his head hanging helplessly against his chest. I rub my face to try to wake up a bit more but I was still a bit sleepy and my eyes were still droopy.
I go to get out of bed so I can maybe push Billy out of my room while he’s still asleep, but as I pull my legs out of the blankets I couldn’t find enough strength to get out of bed. I stare at the floor and feel my stomach churn but I don’t care instead I lie back down and shut my eyes.
As I went back to sleep I had a nightmare, one that I’ve never had before.
‘Wait, no! Please, please don’t leave me! I don’t want to be alone. Not again. Please Jack, don’t leave me!’ I watched myself cry and yell but it seemed as if he didn't even realise it was me, as if I was talking in some foreign language he couldn’t understand at all.
He gives me this sympathetic look before walking off. I go to follow him but my legs don’t let me and also something was holding me back. Hands – someone was holding me back.
‘No! Please, don’t leave me! I don’t want to be alone anymore, I don’t want to! I need you!’ I cried, but Jack just kept walking without any backward glances. I fought and fought to free myself from these hands that held me back but they wouldn’t let me go no matter what, their grip got tighter making my arms start to bruise.
‘Let me go!’ I screamed, but for some reason nothing came out, nothing but air. I turned to look who was holding me and realised it was Billy. ‘Please! Let me go Billy!’ I cried struggling from his grip even more.
He wasn’t listening to me though; he just made me watch as Jack’s perfect figure ahead just got smaller and smaller in the distance. I cried. Jack couldn’t have just left me behind like this. He couldn’t have left me behind. He’d have never have done that to me.
Why was this happening? What was Billy trying to prove?
Suddenly it turned to that day, but it was worse, I couldn’t talk or scream; I couldn’t move and shout for help; all I could do was pretty much stand there and watch myself crying because of the horrible things Billy had to say to me. He repeats the hurtful words over and over before looking for even more things to say, I felt tortured and violated as he just kept creeping in closer and closer toward me until finally his body was on mine as I leaned against the wall, his face a blur that seemed to taunt me.
I wake up hyperventilating but this time I didn’t stop, I was just sitting there breathing so fast I thought I was going to fall unconscious. I had tears in my eyes and even though I wanted rub it away and go to the bathroom where I can wash my face, I was too scared to open my eyes let alone move. I couldn’t, I was too scared again that I soon started to shake. My whole body just trembled as I still couldn’t find the air to breathe; I feared I would never be able to stop until I was unconscious or something.
What’s happening to me? Why am I reliving the scenes I wasn’t meant to be scared of? Why can't I breathe? Why does my body feel cold but my head boiling hot?
‘Remy!’ I hear someone scream out my name shaking my shoulders as if trying to wake me up from a bad dream.
But I am I wake. And I did have a bad dream. But I couldn’t breathe and I was still shaking so violently while bawling my eyes out.
Why am I doing this? Why am I so scared? Why do my eyes burn and my stomach feel like I’ve been punched over a hundred times?
‘Remiah! Remiah, what's wrong? ... Remy!’ I feel the side of my bed move down a little and it makes me fall into someone's arms as they sit on my bed. I feel them start to rub my back saying my name over and over but it sounded as if they were hysterical and so far away.
‘Remiah please, stop crying and try to breathe, please, you’ll pass out.’ They say panic in their voice.
Who is this? I did but didn’t know the answer – I feared the answer. I don’t want to be in the arms of someone I hate. I don’t want to be in Billy’s arms!
I hate him! I hate you! I wanted to scream at him. I started to cry even more but that just made my breathing even worse. Before I knew it blackness devoured me.
‘Remy… Remiah. Are you okay? You alright?’ I open my eyes and see Daniel sitting beside me on the bed; he looks at me concerned and starts damping something cold on my forehead.
‘What happened, Remy? Bad dream?’ he asks brow furrowed, I don’t answer. ‘You had a bad fever and passed out about five hours ago. Billy had to call me cos he didn't know what to do; you gave him a huge fright y’know?’ I look away and try to swallow the lump in my throat, it hurts – everything does.
Don’t say his name. Please, I don’t want to see him, I wanted to say to Daniel but my mouth wouldn’t open for words to come out. I try to sit up but I feel dizzy in a matter of seconds and end up falling back onto my pillow. I groan and shut my eyes, hands clenching, head spinning.
‘Don’t let him come near me, please?’ I croak out to Daniel, the lump in my throat getting bigger. ‘So he didn't work it out with you yet?’ he asks softly pushing the hair from my face as I open my eyes again.
‘Just… please, I… I don’t want to see him… I’m so confused right now I don’t know what to do. Please Daniel, just stay with me for now. I know you’ve done heaps for me but it’s just for now.’
He gives me a sad smile, ‘you know, no matter how long I’m gonna stay with you, Billy’s still gonna come. He really wants to work things out with you, alone, and he’s not gonna stop until he does.’
I finally get the strength to pull myself up slowly to a sitting position, Daniel helping me straight away but keeps talking, ‘Also everyone that knows about what happened that day wants him to work it out with you too. What he did was wrong and he got what he deserved. But even though I still hate him; he’s got nerve for staying here with us after everything we did and after what The Warden said.
‘He’s a fighter, I guess, like you.’
I stated to shake my head, ‘Don’t… don’t say that. I hate him… I hate him so much.’ My eyes started to sting and only then did I realise that I was crying. I was shaking too, but why? What exactly was I scared of most? Even though I knew he would never touch me again after the thrashing there was something else I was scared of. But what was it?
I feel Daniel's arms wrap around me and felt my body relax a little, just a little. ‘Aw, Rem, don’t cry. You shouldn’t be scared. I know you don’t want to hear it, but you’ll have to face him someday you know. He won't do anything, I swear it, and trust me if he does I'm not gonna be anywhere near as nice to him, I’ll just have to-’
‘No, you’re right,’ I cut him off knowing what he was going to say. ‘I shouldn’t be scared and I will have to face him properly. But I don’t think right now is exactly the best time to talk to him. I’m not ready. I can't do it.’ I sigh and lean into Daniel's embrace.
‘But there’s…. there's something else that’s bugging me though. I’m not scared of him because I think he’ll try to manipulate me again or something… I’m-I’m scared of something else, but… but I don’t know what it is.’ I dug my face into his suit jacket and could see the really dark spots where my tears soaked.
‘What was your bad dream?’ He asks suddenly. I sigh and close my eyes, ‘that Jack left me behind and I couldn’t follow because Billy was holding me back, then after Jack left it became the scene when Billy manipulated me and made me hate and terrify him so much; it became that day.’
‘Do… do you still think about that kiss in the attic?’ he asks quietly a tint of curiosity. ‘I… I don’t know… sometimes, but I hate it.’ I admit. ‘Whenever I think about it, it makes me so angry and I just… ugh!’ Ew, why do I still think about that? And why am I telling Daniel something this personal?
‘Maybe… maybe, you’re scared you’ll fall for him.’ He says carefully, unfortunately there was no sarcasm or tease in his voice at all. He was serious. I pull away from him angrily and sit up straight, ‘Are you serious? What are you trying to say? I… I don’t even like him. How can you say that?’ I ask searching his face.
He holds my angry gaze easily his face soft and reassuring I almost felt as if I were just hearing things. ‘I’m serious Remy, maybe your scared to fall for someone like Billy or even get too close to him because you think, even if Jack’s not here, that your pushing Jack away. So instead you choose to despise and fear Billy. I think he sensed it on that day that’s why he got all out of control, you know, boys… hormones…’ He says as if it was the most casual thing in the world.
‘Pa-lease. Hormones? … Sensing? You have got to be joking! Tell me you’re not taking his side right now. I’m telling you how much I hate him after everything he’s done and then you take his side as if… ugh! Just don’t, I don’t need this right now, please Daniel.’ I say throwing the blankets off and moving to the other side of the bed to get out.
I sigh deeply as I slide off the bed and start walking around it. ‘Remiah stop walking off. You can’t just walk off whenever you feel like it, grow up.’ He says beating me to the door and blocking my way. I stand in front of him with my arms folded across my chest before shaking my head and avoiding his gaze. ‘Well I hate when you start talking about things like that; things I know aren’t true but then you make me have second thoughts when I don’t want to. I don’t want to think otherwise and you make me so confused, I just... I hate it.’ I felt myself slump in defeat as my eyes fall down cast.
‘But its true Remiah; I don’t say these things to make you upset I say it to try and help you out; to find the answer you need.’ He leans on the doorframe and watches me carefully. ‘What else am I supposed to tell you? You can't keep ignoring the true facts for the rest of your life y’know…’
‘Yes, I know that Daniel,’ I say looking back up at him and holding his gaze. He looks at me as if I’m some irresponsible child or something, the way Nick would if I did something reckless. ‘Jeez, I’m not a kid! You don’t have to keep reminding me what life is all about. I get it alright; it’s just that… ugh, I don’t know…’ I trail off thinking.
Am I really somehow falling for someone like Billy? Even after the things he did and said to me? Was I really just scared of opening up to someone like him?
It was as if Daniel was reading my mind as he stands up straight cutting me off from anymore thoughts. ‘So is it true? You really are scared of getting close to someone like Billy?’
I open my mouth to fight back but I realised there was no hiding from Daniel, he would never stop until he got the truth. I shut my mouth and stand there before shrugging my shoulders defeated.
‘I was right?’ he asks in a teasing voice wanting to hear the answer come out my mouth. ‘Yeah, alright Daniel, you were right okay. Happy now? I’m scared of losing Jack. I’m scared of getting close to someone like Billy. I’m scared of having to confront the one person I know I can fall for other than Jack. I'm… I’m scared.’ Everything goes blurry and I could only just see Daniel’s body turn slump all of a sudden as he watches me sadly.
‘But the thing is; I don’t want something like that to happen because I know that in the end I’ll get hurt. In the end something bad has to happen… And either way, in the end, someone’s always going to leave me.’ I look down and watch the tears fall to the carpet and evaporating not long after it hits the floor. Daniel embraces me but my body was still tense yet slumped in his arms.
I cry and it felt as if my heart was shattering by the second. I felt its frailness as if the last part of my strength that held me together finally broke.
For so long I’ve felt so lonely, for so long there’s always someone that had to leave me. For better or for worse, someone always had to leave.
First my mother; and then slowly Nick; and then my dear Jack. Is this how life is for everyone else? Is your one and only loved ones meant to abandon you?
Choice or no choice, that’s what it felt like to me; as if they’d abandoned me. Was Daniel going to abandon me sooner or later?
I look up with tears in my eyes and I could feel Daniel's breath on me as he looked down to hold my gaze. ‘Are you going to leave me too?’ I whispered, I had to, I had to make sure. Even though I knew the answer I just had to hear it.
‘Never. Not unless you want me to of course.’ He says quietly tightening his embrace and putting his chin on the top of my head slightly as I lean my head against his chest.
Standing so close to Daniel's tall broad build I felt so small and fragile, it was weird to feel like this because usually I try to be as big and strong as I can but now it’s just different. It’s like I’ve officially given up of ‘trying’ or ‘pretending’.