Daniel stayed by my side for the whole week and I’d always ask him to stay with me at night. He didn’t mind but sometimes I felt bad because I still woke up during the night and he’d wake up too. Half the time Daniel wouldn’t even be anywhere near me, I’d be on one side of the bed and he’d be on the other.
It was as if I had this special bubble around me and he was too scared to get any closer or touch me in case it would pop or something. The only time he'd ever be near me was when I was crying or if I’d woke up scared and alert during the night like a waiting wolf. Sometimes if I’d wake up without him knowing I’d roll over closer to him anyway to get warmer, otherwise I’d turn over just to look at his calm peaceful face to make sure he was there before finally drifting off to sleep.
I loved having him around to talk to I felt so much more safer and comfortable, having him around so much reminds me of when we had to stay at that apartment and we were practically locked in one room together for the whole day.
Even if Daniel was with me I still refused to go downstairs and eat and when I was awake I made Daniel stay with me upstairs. He kept trying to persuade me to come downstairs to eat or at least let him go down to make something and bring it up, but I still kept refusing.
The first few days he gave up and stayed with me, watching me get hungrier and hungrier, until finally one morning I woke up with the smell of bacon and eggs right next to me. I don’t know how the breakfast kept popping out of nowhere when I was pretty sure Daniel stayed with me all night, it just didn’t make any sense.
‘Daniel, where is the food coming from? I know you didn’t make it cos I'm pretty sure you stay with me all the time.’ I said sitting cross-legged on my bed and searching his face.
‘I don’t know.’ He replies with a lazy shrug whilst drawing imaginary circles on my bed.
‘As if you don’t know; someone’s been cooking for us and sneaking it in. Who is it?’
Another lazy shrug, ‘I don’t know, Remy. I haven’t seen anyone come in and plus I’m always with you these days so I don’t know what's been going on with the rest of them.’ He looks up at me and leans his head on his fist, his elbow rested on top of his knee. ‘I know… I'm sorry,’ I reply apologetic and embarrassed because I’ve practically trapped him with me for almost two weeks now.
‘Remy, don’t you think it’s time to go back downstairs. We should go for a walk or something and stretch our legs you know. We’ve been staying up here for two weeks now.’
‘No!’ I yelled, panic in my voice, his brow furrows and he sighs, shoulders slumped in disappointment, ‘I-I mean, you can go. I guess I can stay here by myself now. But can you still come every now and then? Please?’ I ask feeling like a little child.
‘Really Remiah? Are you really ready to stay here all by yourself? I mean, you still wake up during the night and all and plus when your awake your always staring at the door as if you think-’ I cut him off, ‘Yeah I get it, I'm still scared but… but I guess if you want to go you should, no one’s stopping you. I guess it’s time for me to suck it up. Thanks for everything though, you’ve been really good to me and… really, thanks.’ I leaned forward and gave him a kiss on the cheek before sliding off the bed.
‘I’m gonna have a bath. You can go now if you want.’ I force a fake reassuring smile and walk off toward the door but get pulled back gently and into Daniel’s embrace.
‘You’re welcome Remy. I’m proud of you ya know; trying to be tough and all, wanting to suck it up. Nick would be proud too, you’ve been through a lot Remy,’ he breathes resting his chin on top of my head.
By the sound of Nick’s name it brought tears to my eyes. I know what he did to Jack but not talking to him for almost five months is killing me, I haven’t even seen his face yet. As hard as it is to say; I miss him.
But the worst thing is Nick hasn’t even said sorry to me. He hasn't even tried to talk to me. Nothing.
I sniffled and tried to choke back my sob so Daniel wouldn’t notice, but he does. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought him up,’ he says quickly hugging me tighter.
I sigh and let him go before walking off to the bathroom, he lets me and I could hear his footsteps going down the stairs.
I lay in the bath peacefully with my eyes closed, nothing on my mind. The warm water made me feel so free and safe as if nothing in the world could touch me. I feel the bubbles reach my chin and stopped sliding down and for some reason out of nowhere I started to hum, I don’t know what song I was humming but it sounded nice and peaceful and it made me feel somewhat happy and relaxed. I think I’ve heard the song before because somewhere inside me memories came back and before I knew it I was reliving a moment 9 years ago.
‘Where are you mummy? … Dad?’ I cried running around the backyard before trying to climb the big fence which taunt me.
Once again they had left me behind in this big lonely house. Why did they have to leave me? Why couldn’t I have come? I hated so much being alone.
My foot slips and I fall backwards scraping my knee on something on the way down. I landed on my backside and watched as the blood seeped out, I was scared and alone and I didn’t know what to do so I cried and cried for a long time.
It soon started to get dark but I still sat there sobbing and holding onto my leg, I was cold and shivering but I was too scared and tired to try and get up and walk back inside so I just sat there with tears in my eyes and a throbbing, dried up knee.
‘Remiah? Baby where are you? Mummy and daddy’s home now.’ I heard my mother call as she walked around the house. I open my mouth to answer her but nothing came out, my throat dried up from all the crying. ‘Baby, come out we’re home… Nick, where is she? What if she ran away. Oh, god, please tell me she didn’t run away. Remiah! Baby where are you?’ She soon started to panic and I could hear her footsteps running around the house, opening and shutting doors.
‘Babe, calm down, I’ll go check if she’s outside. Maybe she fell asleep playing or something,’ Dad suggests opening the back door and walking out, mum stayed inside looking in the rooms as Dad walked around the dark backyard.
‘Remy, baby, where are you?’ He calls getting closer to where I was, tears crowded my eyes and I started to cry again. He hears me and runs around the corner collapsing onto his knees next to me and embracing me in a tight hug. ‘It’s alright baby, it’s okay we’re here now… Chelsea! Babe, come, I found her!’ Dad picks me up so soft and gently I barely even noticed as I clung onto his t-shirt crying.
‘Oh, hun’ what happened?’ Dad asks as he lays me on the couch. My mum crouches beside me and holds my hand before kissing me softly on the forehead. They both assess the damage and Dad leaves to get a wet cloth for my knee. ‘Baby, what happened to your knee? Do you hurt anywhere else?’ Mum asks her brow furrowed as she rubs my other knee softly.
A frown stayed on my face because I was still upset that they had left me without saying anything but yet I was so happy to see their faces again. ‘I… I fell off the fence, because I wanted t-to find you and daddy.’ Tears crowded my eyes again and I started to sniffle.
‘Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. Don’t do that again okay, you know we’ll come back. We’ll always come back for you.’ She kisses my cheek and stands up before putting me on her lap as she wraps her arms around me.
‘Why can't I come with you, mummy? I won't be a bad girl, I promise, I’ll do whatever you say and I won't say a word wherever you’re going. I promise!’ I said turning around a bit and digging my face into her chest. ‘I promise mummy, I’ll be a good girl! I promise!’ I started to cry and she soon started to rock me back and forth.
‘Oh, baby, I know you’re a good girl. But that has nothing to do with that, we love you okay but this is just something that you can't be a part of.’ I still cried because I didn't understand why I couldn’t come with them, why I had to be left alone all the time.
‘Don’t cry Remy, please don’t cry. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’ Her voice started to break just as Dad walked in with the wet cloth and before I knew it I was sitting on Dad’s lap instead as mum leaned against him. She started to hum a soft song and her voice was as soft and gentle as her fingers that ran through my hair soothingly, Dad squeezing me tight in his gentle embrace. Before I knew it we were all asleep in each other’s arms.
Once again I wake up to ice cold water, but thankfully there was no Billy knocking on the door. I soon started to shiver as both the freezing water and the night’s cold air started to get to me. I sneeze and get out of the bath as fast and carefully as I could before walking to my bedroom in my towel. I put on my pyjamas but it was merely enough to keep me warm, I sneeze and my stomach soon started to rumble from hunger, before I knew it I found myself standing in front of the microwave with 2 minute noodles in my hands.
How I persuaded myself to come down here I have no idea, but all I knew is that it was much more warmer downstairs than up in my bedroom.
I made myself some coffee as well as the noodles before finding myself in the lounge room sitting in front of the warm fire place.
I remember the last time I’ve sat here so peacefully eating my dinner; it was ten years ago and I was with Nick, it was the night before he all of a sudden stopped talking to me. It’s kinda funny how in own night someone can be really close to you and be sharing stories, hugging you and laughing in front of the heater like any other father might, then in the next he doesn’t even talk to you as if it was the most natural thing in the world and he’s never even met you before.
Like always, I cried the night after. He hadn’t come to see me, and ever since mum left he promised he’d always come to see me at least once a day; he said he loved me and will always be there for me. He promised.
But I guess people change and lie, they break promises and there's really nothing you can do about it.
A day soon turned into three and when he finally came into my bedroom on the fourth night he sat on my bed and said nothing.
‘Where were you Dad? Why didn’t you come? You promised you’d always stay with me, you promised.’ I said, but he never replied he just looked at me with such sad eyes it made me cry but he didn’t even shed a tear. After that I knew things had changed between us; I grew out of asking him questions and wanting to know about the promise, I grew out of worrying and crying about him for no reason. I grew out of wanting to see him altogether.
He too knew about my feelings and after a while the days just grew longer and longer until eventually I only ever got to see him at least once a month. He’d try to talk to me when he’d casually walk into my bedroom but half the time, even though I’d wanted to jump on him and hug him, hold him forever to keep only for myself, I pretended as if he wasn’t even there.
I hated how he broke our only promise and I hated how he never tried to see me anymore. Once a moth wasn’t enough for me even though I acted as if I hated him, I loved him so dearly it hurt and I was only angry because I couldn’t see him as much I’d wanted to; I was small and selfish.
Eventually I got used to not seeing him; not calling him Dad; not even talking to him. Finally when I turned ten years old I only got to see him on special occasions; my birthday, his birthday, Easter, Christmas and New Year’s, or whenever he’d feel like talking to me.
¼
There was a knock at my bedroom door when I was finally all warm and snugged in my bed. Why now of all time to come?
I feared the person behind the door but the faint and gentle knock didn’t seem so scary, it’s probably just Daniel. I push the blankets off and walk to the door but stop midway of opening the door, ‘Remiah?’ someone calls softly.
That voice, it’s not Daniel’s, I don’t think it is. Maybe it is but I just forgot?
My stomach clenches and my legs began to tremble. ‘Remy?’ they call again this time not knocking to listen if I'm here or not.
Oh, god. It’s Billy. My legs give way and I fall to my knees but I soon crawl toward the door and lean against it. ‘Remiah, can I come in?’ he asks softly sounding so gentle and nice.
No he’s not nice, and he’s not gentle; he’s a horrible person that will do anything to get his own way. I hate him.
‘Remy, please. I need to talk to you.’ Silence. ‘Remiah, don’t make me force the door open,’ he warns, that got me standing up and facing the door pushing it with my hands so he couldn’t open it. ‘Stay away from me; I hate you.’ I said calmly, trying not to show him my fear which was already engulfing me.
For a moment it was all quiet and I was straining to hear if he was still there or not, ‘please, just let me come in. I won't do anything, I swear; my Dad makes sure of that now.’ He sounded hurt and quiet, unlike the Billy I knew, but I didn’t care.
So what? He deserves to have his feelings hurt; he deserves to know how everyone else feels and how it feels to be treated by someone like him.
‘Just go away I don’t want to see you, period.’ I say turning and leaning my back on the door instead. ‘Remiah, please, I really need to talk to you. And I’m not apologizing to you behind a door.’
Apologize? As if he’s apologizing, and if that’s what he’s planning to do it’s not like he’s going to mean it.
‘Don't give me that Billy! You’re not apologizing; that much I know. And even if you are I don’t care!’ I say feeling my legs still trembling.
‘Just, please Remiah. Open the door. I know there’s nothing I can say to make you forgive me but I want to at least try. I have to, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. I really do feel bad,’ I could hear the sadness and sincerity in his voice but I dismissed it. ‘No, there's nothing you can do to make me forgive you. Now leave, I don’t want you to go anywhere near me. I hate you.’ Suddenly I didn’t feel so scared anymore just livid and exasperated. It was if I was feeding off his sadness and it somehow made me stronger, is this how he felt on that night.
I hear him sigh but he doesn’t move, ‘I’m not going anywhere until you let me talk to you, please Remy, I swear I won't do anything.’
‘No, just leave me alone, there’s nothing you can do, so leave.’ I say harshly. I hear him sigh again but this time it was more long and deep as if he was going to give up right then and there. ‘I’m not leaving Remy whether you like it or not.’
‘Well I’m not letting you come in, whether you like it or not.’ I say starting to slide down the door and sitting against it.
‘Remiah,’ he says hesitantly turning the knob and trying to push on the door, I lean on it even more and it shuts properly again. ‘Billy, don’t!’ I raise my voice and stand up again. ‘I’m not letting you come in and if you try to force your way in I’ll scream.’
He lets the door knob go and I hear it click into place, ‘Don’t Remy, please, just don’t draw any attention up here okay? Please, that’s all I’m asking,’ he begs. I almost wanted to laugh, wow! Billy was begging me for once? That something you don’t see every day.
‘Yeah? Well don’t come in then, just leave if you care that much. I don’t want to see your face; not after the way you treated me. And don’t even bother saying sorry, I don’t want to hear it alright.’
I hear him walk off somewhere but when he spoke it sounded like he was only two meters away from the door, but yet still distant. ‘Fine, if I can't come in then I’ll just have to wait ‘til you come out. I’ll seriously stay here for as long as you want me to.’ He says so softly I only just caught it.
‘Fine then; good luck.’ I say through gritted teeth.
And so the both of us waited, every now and then he’d ask if he could come but I still refused. I stayed up and not once did I close my eyes or not lean on the door. It soon started to get pitched black as well as cold but I convinced myself that if I got off the floor Billy would walk straight in, so instead I sat there patiently shaking as the cold night enveloped me.
I still refused to fall asleep and Billy finally quit asking if he could come in, and I wondered if he just walked off and gave up or simply fell asleep. I was hoping he had already left because by now I was cold and shivering and I really needed to go to the toilet, ever since the dark came I’ve been waiting and waiting the only thing keeping me from running out of my bedroom and to the toilet, was Billy.
Finally trying my best to persuade myself why I shouldn’t go outside, I also persuaded myself why I should. After all it’s not like I was afraid of him anymore right? He was sad and regretful and that’s all I needed to hear, but it’s not like I forgave him. But also I said I didn’t want him to talk to me, and once I go out and give up for the toilet he’ll walk straight in and force the words out of me. But then again it’s not like I'm going to pee on the floor – ugh, how disgusting.
I open the door slow and carefully peeking up and down the hall until finally I see Billy slumped against the wall beside my door; he was fast asleep and I could see his head hanging to the side, his body motionless except for the rise and fall of each breath. Quietly and quickly I walk past him on tippy-toes and walked straight into the bathroom.
He didn’t wake up; he didn’t make a noise; nothing.
As I came back out Billy was no longer on the ground and my heart rammed hard into my chest. Oh goodness, where is he?
Not knowing where he was scared me more than knowing that he was right outside my bedroom door. Since the door was wide open I stood right in the door frame and checked for any presence of him in my room. It was still night so my bedroom was almost pitched black but there were no human shadows that I could see. I think I stood there for about ten minutes just staring into the blackness for shadows and even though there were no signs I still didn’t feel like going in.
Finally I felt too tired to just stand here so I persuaded myself to go in and go to sleep as if none of this had ever happened. I walked in and turned to shut the door behind me but I could see this weird shadow. It took me a moment to figure out who it was and when I realised it was Billy I screamed but was cut short as he pulled my arm and swung me to the wall before covering my mouth with his hand gently but firmly.
He leaned in a bit, ‘don’t scream and I won't do anything. Got it?’ he whispered into my ear. I tremble and search for the light switch, when I turned it on I cringed and shut my eyes as the light stung slightly. Tears welled but I didn’t let them drop.
Why did it have to be like this? All I wanted was for Billy to leave me alone. Why can't he? I don’t care if he’s sorry, if that’s all his going to say why can't he say it already and leave? I hate him! I hate him so much.
I hate you! I wanted to scream at him. I despise you.
‘Remy, don’t cry. Please.’ I only just realise I was crying but I didn’t dare open my eyes to look him in the eye.
Why am I crying? Why am I crying in front of him, when all I want to do is show him my anger and hatred?