The couple shared glances during potions on Monday. They were awkward, too long, uncertain, and fragile.
Harry looked like he want to talk, either that or he really had to go to the bathroom, and Draco couldn't stop thinking about how much it hurt hurting him. They were still together, but not comfortably.
He was fucked, and not in the good way either, because one day would come where it would hurt so much worse. It was unavoidable and inevitable.
Slughorn droned on and on, and Draco waited, barely listening to him. As they were dismissed, Draco caught Harry's eye again. He jerked his head and Draco took the sign.
Once everyone left, he followed, but rather than continuing down the hall, he hooked a right into the usual broomstick cupboard, where Harry stood with his eyes on the floor.
Draco shut the door quietly behind him, and they shared a moment of silence before Harry looked up at him. And once he did, Draco immediately wrapped his arms around him and they rested for a few moments.
"I've been thinking..."
The words set Draco's stomach on fire "Mhm?"
"A-Are you sure you still want to be with me," Harry spoke into his shoulder, shaky. "You don't have to if you don't want to."
Draco hugged him tighter. "I absolutely want to be with you."
There was a tightness in his throat. "Because you're not just my boyfriend, you're my friend and I want you to be happy. If you're not happy—"
"Shh, Harry," Draco rubbed his back.
"It would be worse for the both of us because I can't stand knowing if you're unhappy."
"I want to be with you," he said. "I do."
"Promise?" Harry nuzzled deeper in to his neck. "You're not lying to me?"
"I promise I'm not lying to you."
Harry squeezed him. "I'm sorry... I can't stop thinking about Friday."
"Me either," Draco swallowed.
A long silence passed of them just searching each other, awkward tension in the air between them. Harry broke it by slowly leaning against the wall, sliding down it, and taking a seat on the floor.
Draco sat next to him, taking his hand and holding it, thinking of how wonderful it felt against his. And Harry let him, breathing deep over and over as Draco absentmindedly played with Harry's fingers.
"Holiday is next week."
"Yeah. It is."
Harry swallowed. "I'm worried."
"Why?"
"Are you going home?"
"Yes. Why?"
"I don't want you to."
"I have to see my mother, Harry. She's distraught."
"But what about Voldemort... will he be there?"
Yes. "I dunno. Hopefully not." He knew Harry hated that answer. "But I just can't leave her alone." A silence passed. "Are you staying at the Weasley's?"
"Yeah."
"Good. You should have fun."
Harry nodded before leaning his head onto Draco's shoulder. "We need to meet one more time before holiday."
"Friday," Draco asked.
"Can't. Promised Ron weeks ago I'd help him with quidditch."
Draco's heart stung, but at the same time he couldn't blame him. The past five weeks, Harry's Fridays were open. "Mm," he kept from making a sly remark. "Thursday?"
"Yeah. That'd be fine."
"Forest?"
"It'll be cold. How about the Room of Requirement?"
Draco's heart sped as he kissed the top of Harry's hand, which was still entwined in his. "Sure."
The bell rang and they listened to it echo. Neither of them moved.
"What class are you supposed to be in right now?"
"Charms," Draco said as his nose brushed Harry's knuckle.
"Herbology," Harry replied. "We should go."
As Harry stood, there was a sinking in Draco's stomach, and before he knew he said it, Harry had already furrowed his brows. "Play quidditch with me."
"Now?"
"Yes. Now. Right now."
"We'll get caught."
"Please. You have your cloak don't you? And we can cast dillusionment charms or something."
"Yeah." His heart beat faster.
"So let's go," Draco stood.
"Really?" There was a certain light in Harry's eyes. He looked so hopeful and almost childlike. "Right now?"
"Unless you'd like to go to Herbology."
"No no no! Right now is wonderful." Harry nearly jumped on him. "Right now is lovely."
"Okay," Draco, for the first time in a while, smiled. "Good, let's go."
Even as they played there was a bit of tension in the air but it eventually dissipated in the locker room afterwards where Draco had Harry on his back on one of the benches. Draco couldn't decide whether or not he wanted to send thank you cards to all of the Ravenclaw Quidditch team for interrupting the pain on his stinging arm, or hexes for causing them to stop when Harry's hands were reaching for his trouser button.
Nonetheless, Draco was quiet impressed at how fast Harry threw his invisibility cloak around him, and as Harry sorted out who had permission to use the pitch that afternoon, Draco took great joy in pantsing one of the beaters, to which Harry had to resist the urge to throw his head back in laughter.
But it made Draco angry. Because this is what he was supposed to have. He was supposed to make Harry laugh, and Harry was supposed to put his hand in his pants, and they were both supposed to skip class and do irresponsible things.
But Draco knew that was a fantasy. He knew their good times would end eventually, so he soaked in the look of Harry as he laughed, he savored his taste as he kissed him goodbye, and squeezed his hand just a little more than normal because this wasn't going to last. And thought their fight had resolved, he knew that there were plenty more to come, too.
----------------------------------
As agreed, they met in the Room of Requirement at eleven o' clock on Thursday. The room itself was transformed into the same one it had been the previous year, only a giant tree replaced one of the many sofas and the entire room was filled with jolly goodies and Christmas trinkets.
Harry and Draco sat across from each other, legs criss crossed on the floor near the fire place, chatting about their week and how things were going before exchanging gifts. There was a plate of tarts, pasties, and treats laying on the table next to them, complimented by two cups of hot chocolate.
"Okay," Draco took a big breath as he began, taking the half eaten cookie in his hand and playing with it, "so this year I wanted to be sentimental." He said trying to hold back a smile, and Harry noticed, only cracking a smile of his own, a small scoff escaping his throat. "What's so funny?"
"Draco Malfoy being sentimental, somebody record this," he laughed some more at Draco's facial expression, one split between shock and a sneer.
"Hey! I've been plenty sentimental!" Harry just continued to laugh as Draco launched a throw pillow from the couch at him. "Shut it!" He did stop but the smile continued. "Anyway, as I was saying, I decided to be sentimental this year so I wanted to give you this."
Draco reached behind his back and handed Harry a flat object, wrapped in silver and green. The Gryffindor's eyebrow raised as he questioned what it is.
"A book? You got me a book? Are you telling me that you actually think I would read?"
"Just shut up, you wanker, and open it! Honesty do you think I'm that dumb?" Draco rolled his eyes as Harry snorted and began ripping open the paper. He began playing with his silk pajama top as he grew nervous. "I was debating on giving it to you because I didn't know if you would like it or not..."
"A diary? I don't understand. What would you like me to write in it?"
"I don't want you to write anything," he stated frankly. He took a large breath before saying," I want you to read it."
Harry took the fiery-black book and opened to the first page to see neat, cursive writing in green ink. Draco's handwriting. The date was scribbled the top right corner of the paper: November 16th 1994. Directly below that was an entry that took up the entire page, sitting there, ready for its secrets to be revealed.
Diary,
Even if that's what I should call you, although it seems far to girly for my taste, Pansy insisted that's what I refer to you as, whoever you are. I honestly don't know who I'm talking to, she told me muggle girls use it to express feelings, however, I am not a muggle, nor a girl so I find this absolutely pointless. Pansy told me that I should keep this documented just to humiliate him further, Harry Potter that is. Potter...that obnoxious Gryffindork prat! Of course he would get chosen for the triwizard tournament, he's got so much luck up his sleeve he could donate his robe to all the disgusting muggles in the world and they would get a letter from Hogwarts.
And that's why I came up with this plan...well Pansy and Blaise barely helped me, and Crabbe and Goyle voiced and opinion, but I thought of it all myself. A plan that would go down in the record books, a plan that would ensure the name "Draco Malfoy" would be remembered as the genius who fooled the famous Harry Potter. I am going to seduce Potter. It does sound ridiculous, yes, but it will not fail, I can ensure of that. He will be so distracted in loving the brilliant and talented me, how could be possibly pay attention to the tasks in front of him. Plus he would be an absolute laughing stalk of the century. Potty-Potter, savior of the wizarding world, falling for the son of a death eater. Brilliant.
Today Pansy and I completed phase one. It was so ruddy simple I'm sure a house elf could have convinced the prat. You should have seen his face, he looked like he was going to throw up! I said some bullocks about his eyes and he actually bought it. How thick could you get? This is going to be the easiest task I've ever done.
There is no possible way that this plan could fail.
DM
Harry sat motionless a few seconds, just staring at the writing, eyebrows furrowed. He could basically read the hate, the obnoxiousness of the old Draco just in that small manuscript.
This whole time he's been writing it down? It made him wonder, did Draco really record everything? Every little detail?
Harry grew curious, glancing up at Draco with an eyebrow raised. The blond bit his lip, his leg shaking in anticipation. He couldn't read his facial expressions.
"H-Harry," Draco almost whispered, his voice cracking. He was immediately shushed by the Gryffindor who had flipped through a few more pages, and he began to read the words out loud in a snobbish tone, one that reminded Draco, well, of Draco-- young Draco; the one he wasn't anymore, except in public.
December 26th, 1994
Diary,
That bastard. That. Bastard. I have just been kissed by a bloke! A bloke! Bloody stupid Potter! That bastard stole my first kiss. I was saving that! That was very important to me! And he stole it. Just like he stole everything else from me. The fame, being the quidditch star, the fortune, my bloody dignity. Bloody stupid annoying Potter.
I hated it. I hate him. I hate him so bloody much! I hated how I had no control, no power as he basically controlled me-- he always does! But Merlin his stupid mouth! Slimy and disgusting and gross and bleh! I shall never wish to experience it again! And the worst part is that no matter how many times I scrub my mouth out, I can still taste him. It's still bloody tingly.
And yet I find myself wanting to know what it's like to really kiss him. Does the bastard always kiss like that?
No no no scratch that. Excuse my while I wash out my mouth with soap again.
DM
"Harry..." Draco said again, unsure of Harry's feelings. Did Harry really want to read about how much he hated him?
Harry flicked his eyes up to him, his lip between his teeth. He raised both his brows, watching Draco fluster and stutter over his actions. He watched him wipe his hands on his pant legs. "You wrote this," Harry asked.
"Well, y-yeah," Draco swallowed, and Harry opened his mouth, however Draco babbled, and Harry bit back a laugh. "But you have to understand that that was before I fell for you. I know I said some bad things and thought some even worser ones, but it gets better, I promise. I-I was only 14 at the time and I didn't know you as I do now and... and," Draco faded away, losing confidence in everything he was saying. "It was a stupid idea. I shouldn't have even told you I had a diary... It was a mistake. I should have gotten you the diamond bracelet, it would have been way less awkward--"
"Diamond bracelet," Harry asked.
"Yeah, well... it was nice... had diamonds on it, it was gold, 24 karat..."
"God, Draco!"
"Would you prefer that instead?"
"Hell no, that'd be too expensive!"
"No it wouldn't, it would have been fine. I'm just an idiot, I should have thought it though--"
"Hold on, wait a second, stop sulking while I think this through," Harry reached out and put a hand on his wrist, stopping his leg from shaking. Draco looked up at him, rather than the ground, wide eyed. "You wrote down every single memory we had together?"
"Y-yeah. Listen, I'm sorry I said all those things but I just thought that you would like to see what really happened and... and how you've changed me... once you move on to the bit when we start dating, it gets better, I promise. But I can go get you the bracelet over holiday and give it to you when we get back--"
"Draco," Harry started.
"Or I can send it to wherever you're staying. The Weasley's, right? Of course, I would have to do it under an alias, most likely 'your secret admirer', but then that would cause question from your fami-- mph--"
Harry had crawled over to him as he babbled, and kissed him hard. Draco, although caught off guard and startled upfront, dropped his forgotten cookie and put his hand on Harry's cheek, smearing crumbs along it as his eyes fell closed. His lips tasted like peppermint and sweets, and Harry's tasted like hot chocolate, which was enough to distract the frames of Harry's glasses digging into his cheeks.
"Thank you," Harry whispered against his lips, and then kissed him just a bit longer, Draco hypnotized by just the feeling of him so close and so sweet. And then he let go, sadly, because the time with Draco's lips would never be enough. "I can't believe you would give me this," Harry sat back on his feet. "This is the most intimate present I've ever gotten in my life," he whispered, his eyes full of compassion, dilated. "No one has ever cared for me this much. Thank you, thank you so much."
"You're welcome, Harry," he whispered back with a blush. Harry looked at the diary a little bit longer, the cursive, the ink, the pages, before closing and putting it next to the drunk hot chocolate. "Make sure you read it from start to finish chronological. The ending won't make sense. Promise," Draco stuck out his pinky.
"Now I'm tempted to--"
"No! Promise you won't," Draco's face turned serious, his finger stuck out for Harry to take.
Harry smirked a bit, just at the innocence of him, and then he reached back, his hand on the back of Draco's neck, and he kissed him yet again. "Promise," he grabbed Draco's pinky tightly.
"Your turn," he said, sitting back, pulling out a medium-sized, cube shaped box from behind his back and placing it in Draco's lap. "I thought of it when we were in the Room of Requirement last. You were just so fascinated in the muggle things, I couldn't resist."
"What is it?" Draco looked at the contraption in front of him oddly. It was a strange little object, all black with a small glass like structure in the front, a few buttons on the top. It was shaped like something he had never seen before, who knew muggles could be so complicated!
"It's a camera."
"A what? That does not look like a camera."
"A muggle camera. Here," Harry took the object, opened a small latch, and inserted a thick batch of black rectangles into the bottom. "Look." Harry took the box-like object and put it to his face. He then pressed a small button on the top and with a click he took a picture of the fire. One of the small black squares came sliding out of a paper-thin entrance. Harry immediately took the paper and shook it, which added even more to the quizzical look on Draco's face. "See?" Harry handed the photo to Draco.
"How come its not moving?"
"That's how they work," Harry smiled down at him. Draco read the card along the top of the paper, Every moment I'm with you I wish I could capture and hold forever. Merry Christmas, I love you. "Do you want to take a picture together," Harry asked, scooting over to Draco already implying it would be a yes. He placed the machine on top of the table and faced the lens towards them. "Ready?" Draco nodded with a tiny look of concern before looking into the lens. Harry smiled and Draco mirrored and he pressed the button.
There was a large flash and Draco blinked repeatedly, not aware of where he was looking; all he could see was black. He heard Harry laughing and he began to laugh too, and suddenly another burst of light went off and another photo was captured to the boys ignorance.
Harry kissed him on the cheek and a third flash went off and Harry released only to have Draco turn his head and smile at him, and another flash went off. Draco let his heart race as he took Harry by the chin and pressed his lips to his lover, and a fifth and final flash, ending the accidental sequence. They, however, continued kissing vigorously, Harry pushing Draco back to the floor, tongues intertwining together. Harry was in a push-up-like form when his foot slipped on the carpet, letting his body land on top of Draco, who then broke the kiss to groan in pain from the wind getting knocked out of him. Harry found himself laughing as he rolled off of him.
"That's not funny," Draco retorted, and Harry snorted in response, and he smacked him in the stomach.
They both rolled over onto their sides, facing each other, their bodies so close they were practically touching and they could feel each others breath caress their faces.
"What kind of magic made it possible that I could ever feel something so great for someone so much," Draco whispered as Harry tucked his hair behind his ear, letting his fingers linger and his touch rest on the Slytherin's cheeks.
"I have no idea, but it seems like I'm under the same exact spell."
"That is the most clichè comment any wizard has ever said to me."
"That's the only chance any wizard has been able to say it to you," Harry said as he tapped Draco on the nose. "I think the picture is ready."
They both sat up, going to the exact place they were before things got... PG 13. Harry was right, the photos were revealed. The first one was of the two smiling...somewhat. Draco more looked like he swallowed a tart lemon and Harry's eyes were half closed. They both laughed at the sight of it.
The next one was of them laughing, which was Draco's favorite. He never knew he could smile like that. The third was a photo of Harry kissing him on the cheek while he was smiling and looking in the direction of him. The fourth was of them looking at each other in the eye in an eternal bliss. If you could sum up 'perfect' in one photo, that would be the one to use. The final one was of Harry kissing Draco, both their eyes closed, passion in the crease of their eyebrows.
They took a bit to look at them before Harry duplicated them and added a charm for its inability to tarnish.
"You know, even if everyone did know about us, they'd all be too jealous of us to function," Harry started, and Draco leant his head against his shoulder as they stared at the blazing fire.
"So it's best that we don't tell them. For their sake I suppose."
"Don't you wish we could tell everybody. We could hug in the hall, hold hands." Harry took Draco's hand and locked their fingers together loosely, rubbing small circles on them.
"Yeah, I do... I mean every time I see you in the hallway I just want to kiss you, just show the world how lucky I am."
"Do you think we could ever tell the world? You know, when the war is over."
"Maybe. If we wanted a billion angry letters on why The Chosen One can't marry them and why it's not fair he's in love with a death eater- a death eaters son, I mean." I don't deserve you. Draco sat there frozen waiting for Harry to catch what he just said, question him, but it never came.
"I think you'd be worth it."
"Are you sure, Harry?"
"For the last time, yes, you are worth it."
"But I just don't understand. You could have anyone you wanted to. Why me? I mean, there are girls sending you presents all the time, why don't you pick them? Or I'm sure that if anyone knew you were into men, every man would be totally after you."
"Because I don't want them. I want you, Draco. God, I want you so much." Harry pushed Draco to the floor again, this time laying on top of him completely, letting his emotions do the work. And Draco could feel him.
They stayed there for a while, snogging each other, tasting each other, loving each other. Draco felt all hot and Harry felt all hot and it was just so hot...
And Harry couldn't get enough of it. He had to have Draco, take him as his own. Harry lifted Draco by his shirt, rushing over to the bed, and he practically threw Draco on the mattress by his hips he continued sucking his tongue raw.
And then Harry took his Gryffindor bravery and brought his hand down Draco's chest, and down and down and down to the hem of Draco's pajamas, and finally, with a last dose of courage and brought his hand down further, and he cupped his inner thigh, just where it met his hips, and Draco jumped and jerk his hips.
"I could take you right now," Harry growled in a husky voice, eyes full of lust. He moved his hand to his crotch and Harry kissed his neck and Draco shouted, throwing his arms around Harry. He'd never been touched this way, never imagined he would for a long long time.
"Harry," Draco moaned, arching his back into him, and the material of his button up rid up slightly. But then his shout of pleasure turned to pain because the Mark on his arm started burning.
"Ah," he gasped, and just as Harry reached to unbutton his shirt, Draco pushed him off completely. "No, Harry! No no no no no no," he said, slipping away from Harry, tugging back down his shirt back down. He backed away so fast, he hit his head against the backboard of the bed. "Harry no, j-just no. I'm n-not....I don't- I mean... I do-" Draco trailed away.
Harry, watching the crazy man with wide eyes froze, afraid to move. "You don't want it?"
"H-Harry I do, it's just..."
"You're not ready?"
My bloody arm is stinging and I'm debating on cutting it off... "N-no, Harry," he lied. "I'm not."
The Gryffindor's eyes transformed from lust-filled to their normal compassionate ones. His facial features let a wave of disappointment go over them, only to be masked by one of love and understanding. He crawled over to Draco and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.
"I understand. If you're not ready, then that's fine. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, push you into something you don't... you're not ready for." He swallowed, all flustered and almost embarrassed. "I-It's not me?"
"What? You? No, Harry, I just... I'm not... I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," Harry crawled next to him. "It's fine, really. Like I said, I'm not going to make you do something you're not comfortable with. Lay down with me? We can fall asleep together."
Draco nodded trying not to clench at the pain of his arm. "Please."
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Draco swallowed back the pain.
"You sure?"
"Yeah." He scooted forward and laid back, running his hand through his hair. Almost...
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you," Harry whispered, almost afraid to speak. "I just lost control, you make me lose control... You just... you're very attractive, v-very lovely."
Draco wanted to reply but his arm worsened and the back of his eyes suddenly watered. He turned away from Harry so that he couldn't see him. Harry crawled behind him and wrapped and arm around his waist.
Sticky silence rang in the air. Draco felt as though he was betraying Harry's body by saying no- hell they'd been together much past long enough- just because some stupid genocidal Dark Lord had to ruin everything.
"I'm sorry, Draco, for making you uncomfortable," Harry said softly.
"I'm sorry, Harry," Draco whispered, not knowing what he was intending; their screwed up lives or the fact that they couldn't even go all the way.
"Please don't be. It's not a big deal. I'll wait. But I want you to be my first."
"That's for another time, I guess," Draco put up a fake smile and turned to kiss his forehead. "Good night."
It was a bit long until Harry's breathing evened out, and finally his Mark stopped hurting a bit after he fell unconscious. Draco rolled over so he was propped up over Harry's body, possessively. His smell came in lingering waves, and the blonde inhaled it deeply, wondering what his sweat- not just normal sweat, but sex sweat- would smell like.
And what Harry would look like. And how it would feel.
But then Draco realized, as he was like this, he would never be able to know, and there was a sting in the back of his throat at the thought of that.
Why haven't we had sex anyway, Draco wondered. Surely we love each other much enough.
Fourth year: eh- too soon. It would have been too much of a shock from enemies to shag mates.
Fifth year: Harry went through a phase of depression and nightmares and Draco didn't want to push, although he did think about it from time to time. He was actually sort of thankful for that, considering the Dark Lord saw Harry's memories... that would have been... ahhh I don't want to think about that...
Sixth year (a.k.a pending): Oh yeah, a sociopath tatting Draco's arm to express he was now in a cult after said boyfriend he wanted to have sex with.
He examined him, his soft features, and felt his heart burn. Merlin, he wanted him.
What would his eyes look like? His face when he finally released?
Stop it, Draco! he thought. The worst thing that could happen right now is your boyfriend wake up, just after your refused to have sex with him, to find you as hard as a bloody rock.
"Harry," Draco whispered so lowly, he wasn't even sure if he said it at all. Harry didn't stir. "I want to tell you. I can't." He bit his lip. Harry didn't move. "You have to find out on your own. I'm sorry, Harry, I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you. I'm sorry. I can't... I'm not allowed, Harry. I'm so sorry..."
Harry, still completely passed out, said Draco's name in his sleep, and his heart melted on sight.
What would Harry sound like-- dammit Draco! Stop being a horny teenager!
Draco searched Harry's body, his eyes ripping him apart piece by piece, not knowing what to look at first or last or in between or for how long. The hem of his shirt was risen just enough to expose a small patch of Harry's skin. Draco reached down and stroked his thumb over it, the rest of his hand caressing his hip.
"I wish I could touch you. Touch you just like you touched me. Merlin, that was wonderful."
Draco wanted to wake him up and devour him right then, however refrained himself and did the opposite, completely taking his hand away.
He could, if he so desired, which he didn't, take advantage of him right there. At those words, he found himself disgusted at his own thoughts. He would never- could never take advantage of him. "I don't deserve you. Not good enough for you."
He bit his lip as his words gnawed at him. Draco, snuggling close to Harry, closed his eyes and attempted sleep, however, he couldn't fall unconscious to save himself. He just stayed up thinking, playing out scenarios of him telling Harry about the Mark, but all of them fell bad and ended in flames.
It was two a.m. when the demons were hunting and stalking, he felt Harry shift and a squeak escaped his throat. The boy opened his eyes and Draco watched him do so. Harry, upon looking at him, smiled immediately.
"Hey, you," he said all groggy as he stretched a bit, that patch of skin coming up just a bit further.
"Hey," Draco put up a fake smile.
"What time is it," he voice cracked in the misuse of the night. Draco swore he was going to take him, to hell with the Mark, if he kept speaking like that.
"Early in the morning. Very early."
"It's still dark?"
"Yes, Harry."
"Why are you awake," Harry settled back down in to his almost fetal position up against Draco. He seemed to have slightly forgotten about the night's earlier disaster. Draco expected it to be awkward.
"Thinking."
"What were you thinking about," Harry smiled.
"You." He said it so that Harry could smile even more than he was, and it worked.
"What about me," Harry grinned.
"I had a dream about you last week."
"What was it about," he whispered, pulling the blankets tighter to him.
"A nightmare really," Draco whispered and Harry's smile dropped. He furrowed his eyebrows. "I lost you."
"You lost me?"
"Yeah."
"How so?"
"You left. I was frozen, I couldn't move, couldn't find you."
"Hm. That's strange. I had a dream about you just now," he smiled again.
"Really? And what happened?"
"We were in a garden, and I lost you as well, but you found me and had a rose in your hand and you kissed me and it was really sweet," he said in a sleep drunken voice.
Draco smiled. "What color?"
"Red. Like a ruby. Like love," he yawned.
"That was very sweet of me, huh?"
Harry shoved at his shoulder softly. "Don't be so full of yourself."
Draco snorted and smirked, practically relieved that Harry didn't bring anything up. Without thinking, he went for Harry's lips and sucked on them, almost startling Harry in the process. They released with a smack and Harry looked at him with curious eyes.
"What was that for," he asked.
"I felt like kissing you," Draco answered, and he lay back down and snuggled into the pillow, up against Harry's shoulder his head rested. "Go to sleep, Harry," he skated an arm lazily across his stomach and pulled him close.
Again, silence came across them and the drowsiness of the night fell over Draco. He was just about ready to pass out when Harry's voice woke him.
"Draco, not that I'm angry about it or anything, but why won't you have sex with me? I mean, I understand if you don't feel comfortable doing it, but I'm just wondering why you feel uncomfortable with me."
Draco's heart beat turned rapid, and he bit his lip. There wasn't really any reason except his Mark. "I don't want to hurt you."
"It wouldn't hurt though," Harry furrowed his brows.
"I don't want to talk about it, okay?"
"Okay," Harry swallowed. Draco could tell that there was something going on in his head that we wasn't sharing. There was silence. "Is it because you're scared it'll hurt? I mean I've heard that it does at first but-"
"Harry don't press. And don't think about it. Good night." Draco turned over, away from Harry's warm, soft embrace.
"Wait, no, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upet you, I was only curious."
Draco rolled back over. How could he ever deserve someone like Harry. "Harry. Stop worrying about it. It's fine."
"You're sure there's nothing more than that you just..."
"We're too young, Harry. I'm not ready." His palms started getting sweaty. Harry was assuming.
"You're sure? That's it? Nothing else?"
It didn't make sense, though. If Harry was assuming about his Dark Mark he would have gone out and said it already. He would have asked if his reason was because he was Marked. How many times had Harry pressed him about it? A lot. How many times had Draco lied? A hell of a lot. But Harry never spared his feelings when he asked, just ripped off the bandaid. "I'm sure," Draco said.
"Okay," Harry swallowed.
It still didn't make sense. Harry didn't sound upset at Draco, but Harry was upset, he could tell-- he could always tell when Harry was upset. But if it wasn't towards Draco, it had to be towards himself...
"Harry?"
"Yeah," he bit his lip.
"Is there something bothering you?"
"Why would you say that?"
"You just seem... your tone of voice, it's not happy... you don't sound like you. I mean, I know this is hard because we haven't talked about it, but I just feel like you're... upset." Draco eyed him, but Harry refused to look at him. Yes, there was something definitely bothering him. There have only been a few times where Harry avoided his eyes completely.
"I just... Is it because you don't want me in that way?"
"What?"
"It's been two years... and--"
"I know how long it's been Harry," Draco bit, and I've wanted you so much...
"I feel like, even if you don't want it, I feel like we should be at each other more, if that makes sense..."
"Erm... I guess maybe it makes sense."
"I just..." Harry swallowed.
"Have I done something wrong?"
"No, no," Harry said reassuringly. "You've been wonderful, it's... Can I talk to you about something?"
"Of course, Harry," Draco sat up a bit, turning to face Harry, and then he lay back down so they could be face to face, if Harry chose to look at him. He still was on his back, his eyes fixed on the ceiling.
"You won't judge me at all?"
"No, of course not," Draco said softly.
"Okay... I... I don't feel," Harry swallowed, "desirable, I guess you could say?"
"Like how you act? So what, you're a goof ball."
"No, not like that."
"Desirable meaning?"
He inhaled and exhaled deeply. "Attractive."
"You don't think you're attractive?"
"...I don't know... Forget it, I'm being stupid."
"No, Harry, you're not. You brought it up, obviously you care about it. I'm not judging you and you trust me. Talk to me." Harry took a bit before speaking. "Take your time."
"My body," he said quietly. "I feel like it looks weird..."
Draco furrowed his eyebrows. "Looks weird? How so?"
"I... I think my shoulders are too small and my collarbones don't stick out enough and my neck is too thick and my chest is just strange... And my hips are too small. I have ugly feet. You know how you look at yourself in the mirror when you're alone?"
"Yeah?"
"And you act like... you act out how you want to look at someone or something?"
"Mhm-hmm."
"Well, I acted like how I wanted to look at you and I tried looking attractive and nice and I hated it. I didn't feel... I don't feel like I'm sexy at all," Harry frowned. "To anyone, not just you."
"Harry--"
"No, just hear me out. I... whenever you walk into a room, or whenever I get to look at you completely... God, you make my mouth water. It's like you're bloody perfect. You're in proportion to your body, you have nice shoulders and a thin neck and a long torso and you're amazing and then there's me who has discolored skin and a stumpy chin and a weird nose and a big forehead and knobby knees. I think that my arse is shaped weird..."
"Harry-"
"And I mean it's everyone else too, you know. I'm attracted to other people, not just you. I think other people have flaws, except you. I'm not in love with them but I think that Dean has a nice neck-- I love yours more and I love how it feels when I put my nose into it-- and I like Hermione's lips, I think that they're shaped nice and they have a good color and I think mine are too thin and look ugly. I like Ron's build, he has broad shoulders and nice arms-- hell no I'm not sexually attracted to him, don't even go there, Draco-- I just think that it looks nice. I think other people have nice attributes and is it a crime to look at them and appreciate them? Like I said, I'm not sexually attracted to them, I'm just attracted to how they look. It's sort of like a 'hey, that kid has a nicely shaped nose,' it's something you notice.
"I like Ginny's eyes, I think that they're warm. I think Pansy's hair looks really soft, mine looks like a bloody bird's nest. Blaise... Blaise has a nice torso, too. I like Theo Nott's biceps. I like Katie Bell's eyebrows. I like Hannah Abbots leg to arse ratio. I think it makes sense and whenever I look in the mirror I don't see that. I don't see any of that. I see a little scrawny boy who could never please anyone.
Draco had so much to say he didn't know where to start, but of course he started off with the wrong thing. "Harry you understand girls follow you ever five feet, right? Men would too, if they knew you were gay."
"They follow the name, not my body. They couldn't care less what I look like. Besides, I don't care about them anyway. I care about you. And I just... I don't think that you're attracted to me in that way. I know you care about me, hell, maybe you love me. But you know me, you know my personality. I don't think back in 4th year that you thought I was attractive, I looked like the end of a burnt broom."
"Hold on, what makes you think I'm not attracted to you in that way?"
Harry went silent a bit and he swallowed. "You know when I... earlier when I... I touched you," Harry finally, finally, turned to look at him.
"Yes."
"You didn't... you weren't... hard," Harry whispered as if it was taboo. "And I just feel like I'm doing something wrong and I don't now what it is. I mean we kiss all the time and it feels good, at least it does for me. It feels really good, very good actually. And I was... turned on, you could say, but you weren't and I can't help thinking that either you're just that bloody fantastic that I physically can't tell if I suck or not or you're not turned on because I'm not sexually attractive. I'm scared that I'm never going to be. And you've been avoiding me, so I just thought that maybe if you tried stopping anything it would be because you don't want me in that way.
"And... It's... Ron and Hermione, they look at each other and they talk about each other and how they're attracted to each other-- God, Ron went on for hours about her skin the other day-- and Hermione talks about his height compared to hers all the time and how he gives such great hugs and you have to wonder when someone looks at you yourself do they think like that? Do you like my skin? Do you see that my lips are shaped weird or that my neck is thick or do you just see them for what they are: lips and a neck?
"Remember when we went swimming? I took my clothes off and I looked back to see if you were... checking me out and you weren't. After two years, you'd think that you would be looking at me but you weren't... I thought maybe if I touched you then that would get you going, maybe if you saw me wet then that would change your mind, but it didn't. And then you saw a Grindylow and you swam away, which was fine, but after that you wouldn't touch me and I just thought that you thought that I was ugly.
"I can't help but wonder if you see all my flaws or if you see me as another person. Honest to God or Merlin or whatever, are you sexually attracted to me? Do you think I'm sexy?"
Draco stayed quiet for a while, thinking. He bit his lip. He had no idea in the entire world that Harry thought this way, that he had these insecurities, and they'd been so entirely close for so long that it was like being slapped in the face.
"Draco," Harry said after a while, his voice scratchy, "Are you still awake?"
Draco swallowed before he spoke, thankful that the room was dark enough to hide his blush. "I have stretch marks." A few seconds passed, and he heard Harry suck in air to talk, but he beat him to it because he was partially afraid of Harry's answer. "On my hips. I grew too fast over summer, and just because my body decided to go crazy and grow, I have these hideous red marks on my hips that won't go away no matter what spell I use."
There was liberation in the insecurity. Because there was something outside of the war. There were few moments when he could forget about what was going on and what he was supposed to do, and he could just be a kid.
Harry's response was a calculated but careless, "So?"
"So? They make me look like weird red tree bark. When they fade, I'll be like an elephant."
"No you won't," Harry said. Still, Draco rolled his eyes, reached in search of Harry's hand, which rested on the bed, and guided it slightly under the band of his pajama pants and briefs. His heart pounded in his ears and he shivered to Harry's touch. Draco guided Harry's thumbs over the bumps along his hips and even the top of his arse before taking them away.
"They make me feel so ugly."
"No," Harry said immediately.
"Who would ever want to touch that? It's embarrassing."
"Me. I don't mind them at all. They're normal."
"If you ever saw them, you'd leave me."
Harry sat up, "What? Absolutely not! How dare you! They're just stretch marks. It's normal. You're amazing. You look amazing, I'm sure with them, too. I could never leave you for something so superficial." Draco ignored the twitch coming from his arm. He knew Harry's comment didn't apply to his Dark Mark.
"Funny, that's how I feel about all the things that you just listed."
Harry closed his mouth, and as silence passed he lay back against his pillow again, swallowing.
"Now, I believe you asked me a question." Harry felt a hand on his chest, and suddenly that hand balled into a fist and pulled on his shirt aggressively, causing Harry to fly forward into Draco's body. "Do I think you're sexy," Draco smirked, bringing his hand under the hem of Harry's shirt, and he felt the skin along his lower abdomen. "Before I answer that, I would just like to point out a few things, first being, you know theres a spell to hide that, right?"
"Hide what?"
"Hide when you're turned on."
"There is?"
"Yes. Everyone gets morning wood, it's natural. And it's awkward having to walk across an entire dorm with bunches of people all about the place. Didn't you say that all you Gryffindors sleep in one room?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever seen anyone in your dorm have morning wood, or at least try to hide it?"
"Well, now that I think about it..."
"No, Harry. Everyone uses them. I use one practically constantly. Would you like to know why?"
"Why," Harry swallowed.
"I don't know if you've noticed, but my boyfriend is the downright sexiest man in the entire school," Draco smirked in a growl, "And he just drives me crazy because I want him every time I see him. I can't help it, it's just that he gives me this look and I can't stand it. His bloody mouth makes me want to scream his name the second it touches me. But you know what sets me off?"
"Hm?"
"His arse," Draco grabbed his arse and pulled him so that their hips were together and he squeezed it. He didn't let go of it for the rest of the night. "It's bloody lovely. He says it's misshapen but I think its bloody gorgeous. But you know whats funny about arses?"
"What?"
"That the arse is in the back of the body and the eyes are in the front, meaning that I most definitely check you out, Harry, you just don't see it. I scare myself sometimes as to how much I look at your arse. I've probably memorized it by now."
"Really?"
"Of course. Now, getting back to your body, I disagree with everything you said. I don't think your body looks weird, I think it looks bloody perfect. I think that your shoulders and your hips are perfectly aligned. I like how your collarbones are. I think that when I see your collarbones stick out, it seems like you haven't been eating enough, you look malnourished, and that rips at the over-protective boyfriend side of me. I think that your feet are fine, they're bloody feet. All feet look weird. I don't think that you have knobby knees and I don't think you're scrawny.
"I think your skin is wonderful; it's yours, how could it not be It's soft and warm and gentle and vibrant. And your hair, although I joke that its a rats nest, it's still bloody silky. And think, if your forehead wasn't that size it wouldn't have room for that obnoxious scar of yours," he kissed his forehead and then kissed his scar. "And if you didn't have a scar, I wouldn't have a target to kiss. You lips aren't too thin, I don't know what you're talking about, they're bloody amazing. You're the best kisser in the entire world, yes kissing you turns me on, yes thinking about kissing you turns me on. In all seriousness, I do think that you are very desirable, and I am sexually attracted to you.
"I think you're not giving yourself enough credit. I don't think anyone does. But think of it this way: if everyone found themselves attractive, no one would want to marry anyone else and then no one would fall in love with anyone else. No one could reproduce. There wouldn't be families because everyone would be to into themselves and then there would be nothing left. Maybe we're built that way to think we're all ugly so that we don't want to marry ourselves, it's a survival instinct."
That made Harry smile.
"And I don't think you're stupid for being insecure about you body, I don't think any insecurity you have is stupid. Insecurities are valid. I have them. We all have them. But please don't let it keep you up at night. You have other stuff to think about than if I think you're attractive at every moment of everyday.
"But I think that you being desirable has nothing to do with you being sexually attractive. I think that I don't have time to worry about the shape of your lips because I'm too busy listening to the sound of your laugh, I think seeing you smile is incredible and I think it makes you more attractive. I think that you're more sexually attractive when you're laughing than when you're in the Black Lake in nothing but boxers. I think you're more sexually attractive after you've eaten dinner because you look healthier and I know you're safe for the rest of the night, you've had enough nutrition.
"Do I think you're sexually attractive? Yes, completely. All the time? No. Because you don't need to be, and I enjoy the times when you aren't probably twice as much because thats when we're connecting and we're together in a way unobtainable by sex. But desirable? Do I find you desirable? All the fucking time, Harry.
"For example did I find you sexually attractive the night you got back from the ministry last year?No. Did I find you desirable? Completely. I want to be by you constantly, I want to be at your hip through the ups and the downs and the lows and highs and I want to be by your side every triumph and fall. And I think anyone who doesn't is an idiot who deserves a thank you note from me because that means I get to spend more time with you. Do you feel better? A little bit at least?" He put a hand in Harry's hair and the other one still rested on his arse. It wasn't going to move. Voldemort can go jump off a cliff right now.
Harry nodded and kissed him softly. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me, thank you. It's your body and it's a wonderful body whether or not you think it is." Draco smiled and kissed his forehead before closing his eyes. "You would never make fun of anyone else for their appearance, you'd never judge them and be mean to them for it, so don't you dare do that to yourself."
Harry wiped his eyes. "I know I wouldn't. Fuck, I'm so lucky to have you."
Draco kissed his forehead. "Anything else you would like to talk about whilst it's two-thirty in the morning, only six hours away before classes start?"
"Erm... no."
"If not, wake me up."
"Okay, I will," Harry snuggled closer to him and Draco loved every second of it. They hadn't been like this in a while, vulnerable around each other. They both shut their eyes and started to drift however Draco woke them both.
"I think you're beautiful," he whispered, and he kissed his lips, Harry letting out a sweet sound.
"I think you're beautifuler," Harry whispered back before kissing him again.
Draco just laughed into his lips, hanging on just a bit more before letting go and resting his head on the pillow. "Harry, I want to wait until marriage," he whispered into the night, "to have sex."
"You changed your mind?"
"I thought about it... I just want to wait."
"I'm sorry I pushed you."
"I didn't tell you. You didn't know. I'm sorry I led you on."
"Is it because of your stretch marks."
Draco smirked, but a sad thought crossed his mind. A different mark. "Fuck off. No. I just don't want to."
Harry frowned. "You know that means we might never get to do it, right. This isn't going to last forever, your family won't allow it. There's too much going on. "
"Maybe."
Harry practically laughed. "We won't get married. There's no way."
"Hm, I wouldn't place any bets on that," Draco smiled, squeezing his arse.
------------------------------------
"Hey, Pansy," Draco asked blatantly. They were both in his bedroom so they didn't have anyone around.
"Yes?"
"Is it possible to have sex with clothes on?"
Her eyes widened and the book she was carrying fell from her arms.
"Me and Harry want to have sex, well I told him if we get married, but just in case I want to know, I'm not taking off my clothes... well, shirt, but is it possible?"
"I'm not answering that question."
"Damn..."