"You can't break if you're already broken. But damn those pieces can still shatter." -unknown
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Valencia
When life turns to be unfair
C h a p t e r 4: I despise you
The fight between what we want and what we need never ends. We can't get both of them; we always need to sacrifice something.
In a matter of seconds, without even realising it, we can find ourselves in a situation where we have to choose between our lives and our happiness, which sound like a situation where you ironically have no choice, yet the hardest fight is the one between our happiness and our happiness.
You may ask, "What the hell are you talking about?" Well, there's an eternal happiness and a short-term one. Sometimes, we can't tell the difference, so we choose the wrong one and end up locked in eternal misery.
Our choices may lead us to lose sleep, words or even emotions. They may even lead us to lose ourselves.
***
Even though both of them didn't see each other for three years, there was still this strong connection between both of them that started to exist ten years before she even goes away.
Valencia was taking a shower while Declan was pacing in her room, waiting for her. He needed to tell her about what was happening inside of his chest; he needed to tell her about the feeling he had been holding in since he was a ten-year-old boy.
Oh my god, I'm going insane. What if I screw up everything? What if she freaks out?
Valencia, on the other hand, was staring at the wall of the shower while trying to remember what had happened yesterday. Every time she closes her eyes, she sees a cigar, only a cigar.
Focus... Try to focus...
Images start to appear again; she remembered the boy who was holding the cigar and herself, beating him, but everything after that wasn't clear in her head, but her mind didn't take her to the right path, memories of yesterday came out with some old memories she wanted to forget. She held her head between her hands.
"She's beautiful! I want to mark my property!" And he took h—
"Stop!" she whispered, holding her head harder.
A punch, a kick, a slap.
"Please just stop..." She starts sobbing under the shower.
"Man, look at her! She's pathetic!"
She opened her eyes and looked wildly around her, terrified.
What have I done? Oh my god, I hate boys! Everything wrong that happened in my life included a male. E. V. E. R. Y. T. H. I. N. G. I need to let this go. Why! Why are they so mean! Why are they always reaching for their own satisfaction without a second thought? They're just arrogant, selfish, dumb creatures.
She put away her towel and walked out of the bathroom to find Declan sitting on her bad.
When someone isn't is his right condition, they may say things and think of things they never wants to say.
Doesn't he know about privacy? Why is so attached to me? I've been gone for years!
"I need to tell you something V, I can't take it anymore. I need to get it out of my chest the way I wanted to years ago." He was speaking, stressed and she was shaking. She wasn't paying attention to his words. She was angry, not of him, but of the boys she had to deal with. At that moment, she wasn't the usual Valencia. "To be true, I've always lo-" He was going to complete his sentence but she was already furious.
"I HATE YOU! I hate every single boy in this earth! You're just a parasite! Only a percentage of you are worthy to exist! You always think about yourselves! You destroy other people's lives without regret! You're a bunch of monsters! You! Declan, you don't respect other people's privacy! You stay in this house as if it was your own! You eat with us, sleep here! Who do you think you are, huh! Don't try to get near me ever again, you hear me? Never! You're always following me around like a servant. You're so annoying! Maybe that's why your father used to beat you when you were a kid. I despise you and all your kind!" she yelled, looking at him straight into his eyes.
She hit a nerve, one he wanted to forget. Hurt flashed in his face and he was too shocked to be able to talk. He couldn't understand. It was just too hard to understand. That came out of nowhere. She accused him of things he has never one and reminded him of his worst memories. Everything was fine a while ago. She was smiling and in a good mood.
That girl wasn't his Valencia, she wasn't the girl he used to know... she wasn't even close to being her.
"Just go away!" She continued all trembling.
He was about to cry. Her words were too harsh to accept and looking at her didn't make anything better. She didn't even look like herself. Two minutes ago, he was so anxious yet excited about telling her. He never did it before and he had wanted to make things clear.
He walked through the door and stopped before turning around, and whispered so that his voice didn't crack. "It was nice to know how you really think of me, Valencia." And he walked out.
I lost her again...
Once the door was closed, Valencia fell onto her knees. She felt as if her heart was ripped out. She was hardly breathing and she was inhaling searching for oxygen. Then, she broke off crying and hitting the floor with both of her hands.
"Oh my god, what have I done! I ruined everything... Why did I yell at him...? Why did I say something like that?"
The different shelter was gone...
Declan walked through the house's door with a blank expression.
The little boy was walking back home when a little tiny girl came running to him.
She was going to jump on him when she noticed the blue mark and some scratches on his face. She was about to cry, but instead of that, she looked at him and asked, "Who did this to you? It's awful!"
The boy looked down before saying, "Dad... it was because I broke a vase."
The girl tried to touch it, but he took a step back. "Don't touch it, it hurts a lot!" But she walked over and kissed the blue mark.
Then, she smiled, letting her missing tooth appear, and she said with a lot of confidence, "When I used to hurt myself, mum always used to kiss away the pain. I hope it'll work on you!"
Declan smiled, remembering that souvenir.
I never thought that telling her that would be used against me one day, in a way and a situation like that.
***
Valencia stayed in that position for an hour, looking at herself in the mirror and playing the scene in her mind over and over.
He was talking to her, smiling like an idiot.
I ruined everything...
She used to act like that when she panicked, but no one at home knew about it. She became someone she was not.
When we're in a fight with someone, we usually search for the words that will hurt him the most, and that's what destroys a lot of relationships.
After that comes the guilt. You know what it is? Guilt is what makes us change. Nothing is worse than blaming yourself for something bad you did.
Valencia was a complicated girl by nature. Deep inside, even if she didn't show it, Declan was an important person in her life. She was so relieved when she saw him the day she came back. She had fun, for real, when he took her to the park.
Damn...
***
Valencia didn't get out of her room the whole day.
Declan didn't get out of his room the whole day.
Neither of them had the power to walk out of bed or the appetite to eat. Both of them were questioning if they should blame themselves or the reason behind what happened.
"How am I going to fix this now?" she murmured, sighing.
***
Here's a song for you. ♥