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If you expected me to just guess correctly which direction Sin Trinidad had run out of the classroom, then you've watched one-too-many action films, and you have no idea how lazy I am. Truth be told, I ran about twenty paces before my short attention span got the best of me and I had to stop at the school's vending machine to get a bag of animal crackers.
"Come on, I put the dollar in right!" I roared, flipping the dollar around and starting over again. I mean, could it have been any more inconvenient to have a vending machine not accept your dollar when you have to find your hybrid teacher that's chasing after his hybrid twin that threw a bird at you that you killed seconds before it hit you in the face?
Plus, I was wearing stilettos.
I mean, sheesh! Give a girl a damn break.
"You stupid machine! You ate my dollar! All I wanted was animal cookies and a juice box!" I kicked the machine with my stiletto and shook it as hard as I could. What was the ratio of vending machine deaths a year again? I think it was more than shark attack deaths.
Putting my hands on my hips, I felt the bulge of Sin's gun in my skirt and smiled to myself. Looking left and right, I checked if the coast was clear and took the gun out of my skirt, aiming it at the machine. "Hopefully I know how to use this stupid thing. Guns shouldn't be too hard to use..."
I shut my eyes and--
Heard the press of buttons on the machine. "Animal crackers and juice coming right up, miss. I've got the magic touch."
My eyes burst open and I met the eyes of non other than Officer Mustache. The officer that had spotted Sin Trinidad and I after I had kicked him in the face and he was unconscious on the ground. Luckily, Officer Mustache had been very dumb and Sin played along with my lie that he was my boyfriend very well, and so I didn't get in any trouble with my parents or Officer Mustache.
I put the gun slowly back into my skirt and smiled. "Officer...I can explain."
"Hey!" he shouted, pointing at me accusingly. "I know who you are!"
I threw my hands up, gun and all. "It's not mine, I swear! It's my teachers! He's a psychotic hybrid that molests children!" I got on my knees and grabbed at his pant leg. "Please, sir. I'm too young for jail! Look at my breasts-- actually, never mind don't do that. The point is, I'm still growing, sir! I'm just a wee little child!"
Officer Mustache narrowed his eyes at me, waggling his finger. "Aren't you that girl who's cookies won Best Sugar Cookie's of the Year at the 4H Fair last year? Wait, I know your name, too. Peggy Wilmerheiven!"
Slowly, I got back onto my feet and put the gun back into my skirt, putting on my best coy expression. "Well, what if I am? Will you still arrest me for gun possession in a school environment while wearing stilettos and kicking a machine to get animal crackers and juice?"
"What?" Officer Mustache waved me off with a laugh, settling his hands on his gun and belt. "As if you would have a gun on you, you fantastic cookie-baker, you! You know, my wife and I are a big fan of your Triple Decker Brownie Peckers. Don't tell her I told you this, but she still tries to make them all the time. Unfortunately, the dang brownie mix just doesn't shape like a duck like yours do! It's a disgrace, really."
I smiled at the dumbass. "Well, it takes a lot of precision to get the shape of the beak just right."
"That's what I told her!" Officer Mustache smiled back at me. "Well, I have to go, Miss Peggy Wilmerheiven. Have to keep investigating that darn triple homicide on the football field that occurred last night. I'm surprised the school isn't closed today, but you know what they say: 'Children are our future and should go to school no matter what, even if there's an axe murder running about.'"
My smile dropped. "Excuse me?"
"I kid." Officer Mustache chuckled, waving me off again. "If only it was an axe murderer! The poor janitors heads were chewed right off of their neck. I swear, sometimes this school seems...off to me."
"And this all happened last night? Are there any suspects?"
I can name a few.
"Well, let's see, miss. I definitely wrote some down somewhere...." Officer Mustache frowned at that, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a notepad and read off the front page. "Milk, eggs and lettuce," he said proudly, pocketing his notepad.
"Officer, I do believe that's your grocery list," a deep, smooth voice chimed in from behind me.
I didn't have to turn around to know exactly who it was.
"Hello, Hunter," I said dryly, aware of the fact that he had taken another step closer to me, the cool zipper of his worn out black leather jacket lightly touching my arm.
"Hello, Paprika."
Girl, it's a shame you can't see the way he's staring at you from behind. LOL, get it? Cause he's a hot blind guy...
"Well if it isn't Hunter Trinidad," Officer Mustache said, gripping his gun holster a little tighter. "I've heard some very interesting stories about you, son."
"Don't you have an investigation to return to, Officer?" Hunter replied coolly, his voice a seductive purr against my neck. I arched forward as I felt one of Hunter wolf nails playfully poke at my lower back. "There's a killer on the loose. He could be in the building right now, for all that we know."
Oh my god, Hunter Trinidad's the one that killed the janitor? Girl, you better hop on that D before I do. That is SOOO effin hot!
"You should arrest Hunter," I blurted loudly to Officer Mustache with a violent shiver."Like, now would be really good. Right now would be really, really good."
"And why would I do that?" Officer Mustache said, frowning. "Hunter Trinidad has volunteered to help teach underprivileged children karate for the past three years at the Orange Gate County 4H Fair!"
"But--but he just admitted to killing the janitors!" I dramatically opened up my bag of animal crackers, taking the head off of a zebra. "And aren't you a little old to be hanging out in a high school? Kind of suspicious, if you ask me." I looked Hunter up and down, throwing a few a few reigns on my dirty thoughts and yanking them back before I complimented every aspect of the sex god. Damn, did he look good in leather.
Officer Mustache straightened, looking embarrassed between Hunter and I. "Why, miss. I'm a little offended. I'm only twenty-nine years old--"
"What time did this slaughter occur?" Hunter interrupted casually.
"8:00 PM last night, sir."
"Well, then it couldn't have been me. I was at the local bird aviary teaching the one-legged canary that was injured in a raccoon incident, Philipe, to hop along his little perch. Took me hours."
Yeah, bull-poop.
"Do you have anyone that can vouch for that?"
"The entire Bird Lover's club, yes. In fact, I have the owner of the building's number on speed dial. I can call them right now--"
"Ok! Well maybe he didn't kill the janitors, but he wants to kill me."
"Oh." Officer Mustache looked between us, then looked a little disgusted. "Oh, he wants to "kill you"? Is that some sort of teenage sexual reference!"
"He's older than me--"
"Yes," Hunter Trinidad intercepted, wrapping his arm around me. Dejia vu hit me like a brick, except it was the other brother with his arm around me and his nose was bleeding. "I'm very sorry that she's told you that. My girlfriend nicknames all of our "positions". She's so obsessed with me."
Officer Mustache turned and gagged a little. "That's sick, miss. And I've seen a lot of sick things!"
"Oh, please!" I shrugged out of Hunter's grasp. "Are you really buying his alibi? Philippe the canary? Seriously? He literally just made a bird fly into my classroom like ten minutes ago that tried to kill me! Plus, Hunter has axe murder written all over him! Literally! Look at his t-shirt!" I pushed aside Hunter's leather jacket and motioned to the graphic lettering along his dark t-shirt that read: Axe Muderer 24/7. Yolo.
Hunter looked side to side. "Uh, it's a band?"
Officer Mustache stared him down for the longest time, then grinned widely. "Really? Is it one of those electric pop bands? I'm getting really into them."
"Yes, it is, actually. We should go to a concert some time."
"Oh for crying out loud!"
Hunter caressed my neck, then gave my cheek a hard pinch. "Pookie-bear, please don't scream. You don't want that rash to form on you again."
"If you didn't kill the janitors, then who the hell did?" I swatted at Hunters hand as he started to do that seductive thing on my back with his claws again. "Funny, right when you visit this side of town, people are found dead! Where's your brother, anyways? Is he dead, too? Did you burry him with your bone in the backyard for revenge? Nobody kills Sin Trindad but me! Nobody!"
Hunter's laugh chilled me to the bone. "She's so silly, making little stories up," he said to Officer Mustache.
I swatted Hunters hand away again, turning to Officer Mustache. "Sir, I'm not leaving until Hunter Trinidad is arrested. He's threatened my life and his brothers life, and the fact that Sin Trinidad isn't here right now and he's wearing that axe murderer t-shirt proves it."
"But--but Miss Peggy Wilmerheiven," Officer Mustache said, then, "There are many t-shirts these days that say things like that on them, I've seen them myself. Now, I have to go finish my investigation..."
Hunter snickered. "Yeah, Peggy, let the man do his job,"
Officer Mustache gripped his belt proudly. "Stay in school, kids. Literally, because the janitors were killed outside of the school. He then saluted us and started down the opposite end of the hallway.
"Wait!" I shouted. "Don't leave me with him, Officer Mustache--I mean, Officer! Holy shit--I mean poop! Look!" I motioned to Hunter, who had tackled a girl walking by with her notebook and was viciously feeding at her neck with long, heavy pulls that somehow made my cheeks heaten. "He's biting that chicks neck!"
"Wha...?" Officer Mustache turned over his shoulder, briefly touching his mustache. He then turned back around. "Hmph, you teenagers and your pranks," he said, rolling his eyes at me.
"But he--" When I turned back around, Hunter was wiping a bit of blood off of the corner of his mouth and the girl continued to walk past us as if nothing had happened. He hadn't seen Hunter ripping that girls neck out!
I jabbed a finger in Hunter's direction. "He's dangerous, Officer. Dangerous with a capital 'D' and silent 'Y', I tell you! Dangerous--!"
"--ly attractive. Babe, enough with the public affection already. The nice officer has to go." Hunter threw his hand over my mouth then pulled me tightly into his armpit. He was so lucky he put deodorant on or else I would have went ape shit. "You're our hero, Officer. This town would be hazardous without you," Hunter added, smiling brightly with his big -- almost monstrously sized straight white teeth. When I peeked at his mouth, his teeth were tinted pink with blood and almost made me gag.
Officer Mustache tipped his hat. "Alrighty. You two behave now."
"Oh, we will, don't you worry! We'll have lots and lots and lots of fun." Hunter then hooked my head between his forearm and bicep, strangling me, laughing over my muffled screams. He then forcibly dragged me by the neck and hair down the hallway. Before I could get a chance to cry out one final time, he slammed my head against a locker and threw me into a supply closet, slamming the door behind him.
Struggling to see straight, I pulled the gun out of my skirt and held it out towards Hunter. Well, at least I tried to but I was seeing about ten of him. "Take one step closer to me, Stevie Wonder, and I'll blow your brain to bits. I mean it, I'll do it!"
"Is that how you treat someone that bought you a $1,400 outfit? That hurts, Paprika. It really does."
My back hit the shelves behind me as I stumbled to put a significant amount of space between us. "You're the one that dragged me into a supply closet. You're the one that almost clawed me to death in Sin's classroom. Do you really want to talk about treating people decently?"
"Touché, little girl. Touché."
"Don't call me little girl, you stupid mutt. Tell me where Sin is or prepare to be Peppered like you wouldn't believe."
"So fiesty." Hunter grinned from ear to ear. "My baby brother by one minute and 45 seconds is...occupied right now. Blow my brains out and you'll never know where he is, or know what I know now about that pesky triple homicide. I was a witness, after all."
"You murdered them, is what you mean."
"Murderer, witness..." He gestured openly, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Potato, potato. Truthfully, I didn't kill those janitors. I don't leave a mess when I kill someone, I simply wipe them off the face of the earth. Listen Parsley, you got guts. I like that. And...I'd like to work out some sort of deal between us. But only if you're nice to me."
At that, I might have faltered. "Seriously?"
Hunter lit his cigarette and inhaled, taking leisure strides towards me until I was cornered in the large supply closet. "No, you idiot. Do I look like I negotiate?" Hunter lashed out and knocked both my animal cookies and my gun from my hands, smashing the cookies under the heel of his combat boot and kicking the gun to the side. "I'm here to f*cking kill you."
I stared at him, expression blank.
Hunter shifted on his feet, flicking his cigarette to the side. "Aren't you going to plead for mercy?"
I let out a loud, cackling laugh that lasted a good thirty seconds. Wiping at my crying eyes, I finally calmed myself down and let out a long, slow breath. "Oh, you were serious? Shit."
I whipped out my rape whistle from under my shirt and blew.
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