Ever since I first held that girl against me, she became my most powerful addiction. One that I knew I could never get over with.
I left on thousands miles away, tried to kill these feelings with many girls, playing around and pretending she never left her mark on me. Yet, as soon as I saw her beautiful smile again, I fell back again for that very same woman all over again.
She couldn't be anyone's. I wouldn't let her. She had to be mine. Because that was meant to be. I knew that now. And from the moment I realized she still felt the same about me, it became so obvious that even her couldn't deny it either.
I was supposed to wait. I was supposed to be patient. But waiting a few more days after a five year withdrawal seemed impossible after all. She was supposed to go home that day... But I did my best for her to stay with me until the morning after.
I mean, I have a lot to make it up for and I seriously wanted to prove her I was serious when I told her I would dedicate my whole time to make her forget about all the shit she had to go through because of me.
Was I too confident? Yeah, definitely. I was no longer the broke and hopeless brat she met. I had a loaded bank account, a situation and some plans for my future... Our future. So I naturally thought it could only go well from now on. I was gonna take care of her. I was decided to get her back like she had mine back then.
She went home that day, even if I begged her to stay a little more. I wanted the situation straightened up as soon as possible but I was still a little anxious at the idea the fucker could still touch her... I mean... No matter how convinced I was of her feelings, I still knew they shared something powerful together. Something I was completely estranged from. Something that happened because of me. And I realized I was fucking damnex jealous of their relationship.
Because he held her hand when I couldn't. Because she gave him her warmth when I let her down. Because he could see her at home and at work when I was thousands of miles away from her.
I knew I was the only one to blame. But all I could do was to catch up on these uncatchable years lost.
We were supposed to not see each other all weekend. She needed time to talk to him and reorganize her mind. I agreed and understood. It was fine by me as long as she was sure to run back to me when she sorted things out.
But on the Saturday night, here I was, walking home, suddenly craving to see her... Even I saw her the very same morning. So I texted her to know if she was available... I mean, it was worth a try right?
Somehow... She answered right away. And less than an hour after, she was on my door step, all pretty and smiling. It didn"t take long for me to attack her. Nah, she was just too cute. How could I just wait patiently?
No matter how many time I made love to that woman, every time felt like the first time. I knew her body by heart... What, where and how she liked it. Yet every time I felt like a kid playing with his brand new toy. It was crazy how crazy she could drive me under the sheets.
She ended up staying... Again... And then, on that beautiful sunny and warm Sunday morning, I thought it would have been a great idea to enjoy the nice weather in the park, like we used to.
It had been so many years, yet it felt exactly the same. I remembered the last time we went to take stroll in central park. That was the day I realized how deeply in love I was with her.
Why were the boring things always seemed fun with her? Why everything I thought I disliked, she made me love them? Why was she the only person who could make me feel that way? Why was she the only person on earth I was truly depending on? All these questions were already answered years ago... And I was still amazed to realize the answer was still the same now... I was in love with her... Still. Never stopped, in fact.
Oh hell, I missed her! We spent the day doing stupid things, like small boat riding on the lake, or fighting in the grass... Like kids. But fuck... It was a great day.
And like every time I hung out around her, I didn't see time passing. I just wished there were more than 24 hours in a day.
When I drove her back home, I naturally tried to convince her to come to my place... Just for a couple hours.
"Right... You know too damn well that if I step inside your place tonight, I won't leave until morning" she smiled, a little shy.
"Is that wrong?" I teased her.
She smiled, hesistant.
"Nah..." She finally stated. "I haven't been home all weekend. Didn't even charge my phone since yesterday... I haven't... I... Still need to see Dwayne... You know?"
Fuck, just hearing her say his name instantly got on my nerves. Just how jealous of that guy could I be.
"Alright..." I said, running out of argument.
She stared at me silently for a second.
"I remember... When you chose me over Sarah... I was panicking. Because I knew it was gonna hurt her. Now I'm in your position... And I'm literally freaking out..."
"Yeah... Listen... If you don't feel ready..."
"I know where I want to be... That's what you told me back then... And that's exactly what I am telling you right now... I don't... I don't know why nor how... But somehow... Ever since you came back into my life, being around you is what I need the most"
I smiled, happy to hear her confirming what I wanted to hear and kissed her.
"Alright... Call me if you need anything. I'll be there right away"
She smiled softly and hugged me one last time before getting off my car.
Yeah... It was harder and harder to let her go.
Somehow, that weekend by her side motivated me to the max. The day after, I was working with my partner and Mike on a solid business plan for my venture. I was like a beast, unstoppable, and they both noticed how hype how was that day.
I thought about telling Mike. But what to tell him? That I was working on getting Lya back? That I was doing my best for her to leave the guy he now considered his friend? Sounded wrong in many ways.
So I decided to keep it on the down low until I was sure of where we were both heading. I gotta admit that even though I was sure of my feelings, I was still a little curious of how far this was gonna lead us. Years had passed and even though I knew we were still these two kids inside, I couldn't deny she had changed. Changed into a confident woman who sometimes intimidated me. As much as I loved it, I was still a little impressed at how she had evolved.
I wanted to see her... I kept wondering how it went with that guy... If she told him yet and how he took it. Not that I really cared if she hurted him or anything. But I knew it was gonna hurt her though.
Three days had passed and I didn't hear from her. I was seriously starting to worry now. Was she alright? Was she have g a hard time? Did she change her mind?... That last question made me freak out a little.
I immediately took my phone and texted her.
'I want yo see you'
Not even 5 minutes after, she answered
'Me too'
I instantly felt relieved to read that. So she didn't change her mind after all.
'Come' I answered.
It took her a little longer to respond this time.
'Haven't done it yet'
No need to be Einstein to figure out what she meant. Still it surprised me. What happened during these three days? Did she avoid him?... Or...
Nah... I refused to think about it any longer. It was just gonna mess my head up. Fine... She needed more time, so I would give her that time. Even if I was dying to see her.
The next day, I was coming home from Mike's house and decided to stop by that shoe store by Madison Square to see what they had.
I was sitting on the bench inside the store, waiting for the employee to bring me the pair of 11 I asked for when I heard some guy talking.
"I was not sure if it was you or not... Manhattan sure is small?" I turned around as I recognized the voice.
Yes, that was him. That Dwayne guy, standing right in front of me, his hands full with bags from different stores.
I instantly got annoyed at the snicker on his face when I turned around and immediately noticed by the expression in his eyes that his greeting was nothing courteous.
"James, right?" I nodded with a fake smile, decided to annoy him too.
He sarcastically laughed, not blind to my provocation at all.
"Right... It's Dwayne, actually. But you know that already, uh?"
"Ah... You got me there"
"Funny guy, uh?"
"You just don't know... Now what can I do for you?" Asked, getting bored with him already.
He stared at me, still with his dumb snicker on.
"Listen, I don't really like you. It's fine, you don't like me too. You're the past, I'm the present, so there's no real reasons for us to get along. However... Ever since you came back, she changed. And lately... Well... I found out she was spending time with you..."
As he said that, his smile slowly vanished until being entirely wipe off of his fucker's face. So what? Did she tell him what happened between us? Did he know where she spent the weekend? If so, then why talking about her as if she was still his?
"So?" I asked, curious to know where he was going with that.
He looked at me and his expression slightly got darker, as if the more I was saying, the harder it was getting for him to keep his cool.
"So, if I were you, I would stop whatever you're trying to so. She might still think of you as a brat who needs to be saved... I don't really get that but she's always been kind of like a social worker for people like you. However, I'm not stupid. You didn't come back here for your friends. The way you looked at her at the bar last time, I can tell what's going on in your stupid brain, bro. You had your shot. You blew it. End of it. She been through a lot of pain after you left. And you were not here to help her rebuild herself. I was. And if you think she found in me a replacement for you, you got it all wrong, kid. So you should stop bothering her and move on with your life... My advice."
I wanted to laugh... Badly. What that fucker thought he knew? Acting all high and mighty when he clearly didn't know shit about her. Thinking that she had been with an asshole like that for so long was getting me sick. But she apparently didn't tell him about us.
"So what? You're threatening me? You? Nah... That gotta be the best joke I heard today. Whether I wanna see her or not is none of your business 'bro'. And you already know you can't control the fact that she wanna see me. So you come to me, desperately hoping that I would feel intimidated with your little speech? For real?"
I laughed. I was already annoyed by the existence of that fucker. But his little chest puffing got me wanting to smash his head on the ground.
A nasty smirked appear on his face as he stepped a little closer to me. "You can be as cocky as you want... Just know that she won't get back with you. I won't let that happen..."
I could feel it coming... The anger. One more word and I was gonna kill the fucker.
"If you don't step back this instant and disappear of my vision field, I swear to god you're gonna sleep at the hospital tonight. And if you think I'm playing... Man, you just don't know what I'm capable of"
He smiled and chuckled before finally moving away and leaving.
Dumb fuck! What was she waiting for to get rid of that fucker? Why did she need to wait that long?
I had been severing for days, thinking she was setting the record straight and he confirmed that she hadn't done much. I was pissed.
So what? Was she faking with him all this time? What the fuck? Did it mean she had been pretending being with him since then?
I started to get crazy when I imagined him laying his hands on her without her protesting.
I felt like something was eating me up inside. My stomach contracted itself and I felt the irrepressible need to knock something...
'I'm a fucking idiot' I thought before punching a concrete wall full force.
I couldn't feel anything but rage. It's only when I got in my car that I noticed the blood dripping from my hand. It was badly cut. I mean... I did hit a wall...
I started to feel a stingy pain that was not coming from my hand... It was coming from my chest.
What the hell was she playing?
I managed to drive home with almost just one hand. All along, I kept repeating myself that I was just a stupid fool. Idiotic. Naive. And the rage inside just kept increasing as I kept thinking about her.
I got off my car and slowly walked home. The blood from my wounded hand was all over my clothes, but I didn't care. All I wanted was for this fucking pain to end and stop thinking about him or her.
I stopped before crossing the street, right in front of my building. I felt my heart sting even more.
Why? Why would she come here? Why now?
She looked at me and smiled warmly while slightly blushing.
I crossed the street without looking around. All I could see was her, in her cute denim dress, dressed way too lightly for the season.
Her eyes immediately stopped on the blood stains all over my clothes and her smile immediately vanished. She looked at my hand, horrified.
"Oh my god... Tom! What happened?"
Her words couldn't make sense to my hears. I couldn't care less about how frightened she looked. I wanted to shout. I wanted to yell at her and ask her if she was enjoying the mess she was creating in my head. But no sound could come out of my mouth. Instead, I grabbed her face with my valid hand and kissed her like I hadn't seen her for 5 years.
I surprised her... Shit, I surprised myself too. But I couldn't stop or let her go. As mad as I was, she was there and that was all I needed. I just wanted her. Nothing else. Nothing more.
"I hate you... I hate you so fucking much..." I started saying.
She flinched between my arms... Yeah... I wanted her to know what I truly thought... But these words came out wrong and even though I didn't necessarily wanted to correct them, it was beyond my control.
My chest was hurting even more than earlier and while I felt my whole inside burning when pressing her small body tight against mine, I finally said these words... These words I only told her and no one else.
"I love you"