3 Months later ~
The weeks went past like a blur as I finally grew enough guts to walk around the house. Through the days I was like an invalid I didn’t think about anything, or talk to anyone. It was as if Jack was never here, as if he really was gone. But at night the thought of Jack always loomed in my brain and I’d weep until I’d fall asleep, I kept wishing that one day I’d all of a sudden wake up in his arms and realise it was all just a silly dream. I still couldn’t believe it and I was too scared to ask for the exact answer.
I couldn’t talk to Nick, to anyone. And I soon started to avoid Daniel and never said anything when he tried to talk to me, I felt bad but he finally realised that he had to let go sooner or later.
After a while I thought about cleaning up the attic to take my mind off things, so I set myself to the job. It was worse than I thought and I got a little spooked at the start, spider webs everywhere, forgotten boxes stacked high, an old book case full of books and old toys, a shovel, a spider-webbed broom and dozens of other things I couldn’t make out in the dark of the attic. I almost screamed when I turned around to find a mannequin staring back at me, it took me a moment to realise that it wasn’t a real person.
I went back down the portable ladder and folded it back into place before walking off in search of a flashlight.
It took at least a week to go through half the things in the attic, there was so much dust and cobwebs I had to use a little mask to stop inhaling crap in the big dusty room. The attic was pretty big and it’s good that I was cleaning it up because it not only got to be clean but it kept my mind off almost everything. I found a couple of documents and read over it really quickly, something about Nick and what he’s trying to build, I put it away for later, for when I’ll actually have time to read it properly. I also found a few old photo’s when Nick and I first moved in, and our first Christmas in this house – without my mum.
In the Christmas ones, where Nick took some of me by myself, I looked really excited; I couldn’t keep my eyes of the presents and my grin never left, but there was something in my eyes that kept me looking – a longing for more than just presents.
I flipped over to the next photo and saw one of both me and Nick. The camera was on a stand, the decorated Christmas tree behind us, I remember Nick had to run to me before the flash went off, he crashed into me by accident and I nearly cried but Nick soothed me straight away. The flash went off without us realising and we both cracked up laughing. The camera caught me with tears in my eyes and Nick’s soothing, calm face assessing the damage he caused by accident.
I flip over to the next photo and it was of me and him laughing, this time the tears were of happiness, my head was tilted a little to the side like a little puppy, eyes wide and excited, my small white teeth showing fully. Nick looked really happy too, almost as excited as me but there was a longing pain in his eyes as well. I kept going through the photos over and over as if if I’d look at them long enough I would just all of a sudden go back to them times, where I was happy… enough.
Finally I finished sorting everything out; now all I had to do was move everything to the sides and corner. I didn’t bother going through all the documents because by the time I found them I was too tired and bored to go through them, instead I put them into a box neatly and stacked them in the corner, so I could read them later. They were pretty heavy so I had to drag it and I couldn’t help but wonder how heavy all the other boxes will be, the ones filled with actual solid things. My back already ached from sweeping the floor and jumping to dust the high cobwebs, and the thought of picking up heavier boxes made my back ache even more.
Maybe I’ll just ask someone? It couldn’t hurt. I’ve already hidden myself and kept away from them for almost four months now. I turn off the light and climb down the portable ladder before putting it back into place and heading to the bathroom to have a nice warm bath – something I haven’t had for a long time.
I run the hot water and listen to it gush into the bath tub filling it inch by inch. I soon turn on the cold water as well as adding some bubbles just for the fun of it before walking off to look at myself in the mirror.
I frown at my reflection; I’m now pale and skinny; my cheekbones sticking out, circles under my eyes from lack of sleep, and my lips a slight pink instead of the normal reddish, my own reflection reminded me of a ghost. Appalled, I walk away and turn off the water as it reaches past half way, I check the warmness before stripping off and sliding into the tub carefully.
I sink down further and further until it reaches just over my shoulders, the warmness devouring my body. I close my eyes and let my body sink down even further until it reaches my chin, I feel my body finally begin to relax, my hair floating all around me, the bubbles hiding my small, bony body.
There was a knocking at the door ‘Remy?!’ I hear someone shout waking me up from thoughts and my dream.
By now the water is cold and it crawls into my bones.
‘Remy?’ they say again. I open my eyes and shiver, this time it was the cold water that devoured my body. I get up shivering and grab the towel on the rack just as the door opens, the bottom of the towel soaking up a bit of the water and clinging onto my legs.
‘Get out!’ I shriek trying my best to clutch the towel against my chest with my shaking hands, my back still uncovered. Billy’s head pops out from behind the door, ‘Are you okay? You’ve been in there for ages,’ he pulls himself from behind the door showing his full body now. He assesses me and notices my shivering as well as my half uncovered body behind.
‘You look really pale Remy,’ he says brow furrowed and looking very concerned. Like you care, I wanted to say, but I bit back my tongue instead; the quieter I stay the faster he’ll get out and leave me alone. ‘How long have you been in there?’
I stand there shaking badly with my jaw clamped shut; I was so cold I couldn’t even talk. ‘C’mon,’ he says making his way toward me, I don’t move and just eye him off, willing him to leave.
The cold water soon became freezing and it crawled up my calf and through to my body. I hug the towel tightly against my chest with one arm while the other was searching for the other end of the towel, where was it? I started to panic and felt goose-bumps form on my arms as the hairs were already standing up from the cold water.
I watched as Billy came closer and was soon standing right in front of me, he puts his arms around me slowly and carefully without touching any part of my body, I was too cold to think or react to what he was doing and before I knew it he finds the other end of the towel and puts it into my shaking hand. I wrap the towel around me properly and Billy helps me out of the bath tub slow and carefully. ‘Thanks,’ I finally mutter pushing back the wet hair on my shoulders and behind my back. He nods and we stand there staring at each other.
My shaking still wouldn’t stop yet as I only had the towel on. ‘You’re really pale you know?’ he says softly, assessing me once more. ‘Yeah, I know. I haven’t been feeling well ever since…’ my voice trails off and tears pricked my eyes. ‘Shhh, I know. I know,’ he soothes closing in the gap between us. Cold and grief-stricken, I walk into Billy’s warm body as he hesitantly wraps his arms around me for comfort and warmth soon after. I started to weep still clutching onto my towel and he tightens his grip around me. ‘It’s okay,’ he whispers as I dig my face into his chest. ‘I don’t know what to do anymore, Billy,’ I tremor gasping for air.
Guess I still wasn’t over crying for Jack.
I finally pull myself away from him and we stand there watching each other once again maybe for a bit too long.
‘I better go. You should get changed, it’s pretty cold.’ And with that he left closing the door behind him.
¼
For the whole week I stopped cleaning up the attic and tried to look for someone that would help me, but these days nobody ever came out anymore; not even Daniel.
Giving up I sat out the back in some lounge chairs and remember sitting here with Jack the day before I changed my mind about him leaving.
We shared the lounge chair and we were watching and talking about everything. Jack had an arm around my shoulders and I had my head rested against his chest.
‘Everything happens for a reason you know,’ he was saying to me as we watched some birds fly past. ‘You gotta be happy with what you’ve got and not have any regrets.’
I closed my eyes and thought for a moment, ‘have you ever regretted meeting me?’ I dared to ask. ‘Never!’ he exclaimed tightening his grip around me. ‘You’re one of the best things that have ever happened to me. Don’t ever think that.’
I smiled and opened my eyes again now looking up into his bright blue eyes, his cuts and bruises were finally starting to fully heal on his face. ‘Me too,’ I said finally, he smiled his perfect smile and my heart skipped a beat. I grinned and caressed my lips against his.
Reality caught back to me as I opened my eyes and the sun glared ahead, even though it was autumn the sun was still strong. My eyes stung and a couple of tears rolled down my cheeks, maybe from the memory with Jack or just the sun. I get up to leave and see someone in the distance picking up something from the floor; it was a guy, his back facing me.
I look more carefully starting to make my way towards him. Realising who it was I yell out his name, ‘Daniel!’ startled he turns around and sees me immediately now starting to make his way toward me too.
Seeing him made me realise that I actually missed talking to him and listening to him telling me what not to do. I smile but he doesn’t smile back, it was as if he’s never met me before. We finally make it to each other and instead of a ‘hi’ he starts pulling me back towards the house.
‘W-wait what are you doing?’ I ask trying to look at him and shrugging off his hand. He keeps avoiding my gaze and starts pulling me faster. ‘Daniel!’ I say stopping and making him stop too. He glares at me, ‘my job,’ he says simply.
I finally realise what was going on and I felt sad and angry. ‘Daniel, I’m sorry I ignored you. I just needed time off everything. To get my head around things you know?’ I search his face; he ignores me and starts to walk off, no longer pulling me anymore. I follow and a second later we were on the porch. ‘Daniel, please,’ I say pulling his arm and making him turn around to face me.
‘I know you wanted to help me but I just needed time. Please, don’t hate me, it is supposed to be the other way round remember?’ I joked still afraid that he’s mad. He finally looks down at me and holds my gaze but his eyes were so distant it made me afraid.
‘I know,’ he says simply, I wanted to cry because I felt so bad for pushing him away and I don’t like when people are upset with me – especially someone close.
‘I don’t hate you Remy, I never could,’ he watches as tears prick my eyes before finally embracing me in a small hug. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says finally.
We stand there for a moment not talking at all, ‘can you do me a favour?’ I ask after a while not waiting for his answer. ‘Can you please check if Jack’s okay? Please? I just need to know. I can't stand not knowing if he’s dead or alive anymore, it’s haunting me Daniel. Please?’ I plead.
He stands there thinking before shrugging his shoulders, ‘I can’t leave you; I'm only here because of you. You’re one of my duties for The Warden.’
And then it hits me – Daniel’s not here because of me, he’s here because of The Warden. He doesn’t care about me I’m one of his duties; I’m nothing.
I tremble and drop his gaze all of a sudden feeling empty, and I couldn’t help but feel worthless.
Tears swelled in my eyes but I blink them back quickly Daniel sensing my change of mood just as fast. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asks tensely. I take a breath, ‘do you hate me?’ I ask quietly.
‘No, why?’ I ignore his question, ‘Do I mean anything to you?’ I push on. He looks at me confused but answers anyway, ‘yes, of course you do. But wh–’ I cut him off, ‘would you leave me if you were allowed to?’ I ask lastly holding his gaze again. He hesitates and doesn’t answer, now looking away. The tears finally escaped and Daniel was still confused, ‘I don’t mean it in that way,’ he says putting his hand on my shoulder. ‘Of course I wouldn’t just leave you.’ He watches me sobbing still confused, his brow furrows, ‘Remy, please. Tell me what's wrong,’ he pleads.
‘You said I was one of your duties. That means you’re only looking after me because it’s your job, not because I mean anything.’ I finally breathed out gasping for air, and then I felt stupid and selfish.
Of course it’s his job, it’s not volunteering.
He looks at me hurt as if what I said had affected him too. ‘No, Remiah. Of course you mean something to me. I mean yes, it is my job to look after you, but not to do as much things as I’ve done. Even one of Zach’s duties is to look after you. It’s all our duties. You do mean a lot to me Remiah, I’m sorry.’ He clears up, eyebrows furrowed in concern once again.
I breathe a sigh of relief and wipe away tears, ‘I’m sorry. I wasn’t meant to sound selfish. It just somehow popped into my brain,’ I look away suddenly embarrassed. ‘Don’t worry Remy, it’s okay. Just promise me you’ll never ask me that, of course you mean something to me. You’re practically my only family even though we’re nowhere near related. And also don’t ever think I hate you okay?’ I look back at him and hold his familiar gaze, ‘okay,’ I whisper as a small smile reaches my lips. ‘Promise?’ he asks to make sure. ‘I promise,’ I whisper.
‘And about Jack… I’m not sure yet.’
‘Please Daniel; I just want to know if he’s okay. Can’t you just ask someone else to do it for you? Please, just a little check?’ I urge. ‘I don’t know,’ he says calmly, I frown disappointedly.
‘It’s risky what we’re doing for Jack right now. I mean if it were up to The Warden he’d have been gone a long time ago.’
For a moment I stop breathing and realised this was true, it scared me to know that whatever The Warden wants gets done in a matter of moments. Around here: his word is law.
Daniel knows he scared me and explains, ‘we still don’t know if he’s trustworthy to not tell people about what he kno-’
‘But I haven’t told him anything!’ I say cutting him off and taking a step away. ‘We don’t know that. And even if you haven’t The Warden still doesn’t like the position we’re in with Jack. It makes us look weak because we haven’t killed him yet. People will start talking and things will start to happen. We’ll have to move out.’
‘Please Daniel. Just one little favour, I promise. I just want to know if he’s okay. That’s all I’m asking.’
He thinks for longer than I thought was necessary. ‘He really does mean a lot to you, doesn’t he?’
‘Yeah, he does. I love him Daniel. And not knowing if he’s okay or not kills,’ I look at him pleadingly with what I hoped were sad pleading puppy eyes. ‘Okay, okay. We’ll see. I’ll have to ask The Warden first.’
I squeal and give him a hug knocking the air out of the both of us, ‘Thanks Daniel, this means a lot.’