What if?
What if I fall? What if I just injure myself even more? What if I am just asking for trouble? But what if Dr Aurelius was right in what he said last week? What if this is the only way for me to get walking again? What if this is just something I have to do? What if I just need to face the pain?
What if? What if? What if....
---
I keep telling myself to just face the fear of the pain. I know I will have to at some point. I am sick of spending most of my day flat on my back in bed. Peeta is downstairs making breakfast for Sophie, I hear the sizzling of eggs from here. I wish I had the courage and strength to just walk downstairs and make my own breakfast. I close my eyes for a moment and allow the darkness of my mind to be swallowed by a thought. I see the meadow, the place that I have missed dearly for the past few months. And all of a sudden it's like something cracks inside of me. Like the wall that has been holding me back in fear this whole time has broken and been replaced by determination. And I know I can't take another second like this. I take a deep breath and slowly slip out of bed. I groan as a striking pain travels up my spine as I crouch at the side of the bed, my hands clutching the edge of the mattress and my back slightly bent as I struggle to cope with the pain. In my mind I tell myself
"Come on Katniss, Your almost there"
Black spots threaten to override my vision as the pain intensifies with every movement. Suddenly I hear footsteps in the hallway. Peeta. I don't dare to move a muscle as I speak, trying my best to not reveal the pain hiding behind my voice
"Peeta?"
I hear a moment later
"Yeah?"
I say, my voice trembling
"Could you come here for a moment?"
I hear him respond with a yes before walking into the room. As soon as he sees me he rushes over, his hands immediately grabbing my waist. He says worryingly
"What are you doing out of bed?"
I say to him, trying to not scream with the pain that came with his hand lightly hitting my back when grabbing my waist
"I want to try and walk. Please just help me"
He looks at me, his face slightly pale as he states
"Are you sure your ready to do this? You look like your in a lot of pain and your spine..."
I interrupt flustered and in slight pain
"I'm ready"
So slowly I begin to stand upward, with Peeta's hands supporting my waist and my back. I moan deeply as a horrific pain spreads down my back. I grit my teeth hard, no longer able to clench the mattress in pain as my back becomes straight. Peeta holds onto me tight at the waist despite me now standing normally. I try to catch my breath though the deep pain that continues to harshly caress my back. I look up at Peeta who is slowly stroking my hair with one hand, the other still supporting my back. He says softly
"Are you okay?"
I nod slowly. He plants a kiss on my forehead and for a while just holds me. He doesn't ask questions, he doesn't ask about the pain. He doesn't enquirer about anything but just absorbs the moment for what it is.
---
"I really don't think it's a good idea considering you've just started walking again. You're obviously going to be weak"
I curl my fingers around my mug of tea before saying to him
"I know that. But I know that it's not that far and I really don't need that much energy"
He sighs a little, not mad just in thought, tapping his fingers in some sort of rhythm on the table. Eventually he says
"Alright"
---
We reach the meadow in a matter of minutes. I don't allow myself to show the pain I experience with every single movement. I take my time to sit down on the picnic blanket Peeta just spread. Sophie comes over and tugs at my sleeve while saying
"Mummy! Mummy! Come play with me!"
I tell her with a small smile spreading across my face
"I'm going to stay here sweetie. You go"
She looks slightly disappointed at first but then grins before running off into the long grass, trying her best to stay balanced on her small legs. As the sun sets before us I sit right beside Peeta, our arms wrapped tightly around each other as we watch Sophie run in the meadow. Peeta says softly
"I hope someday we can sit here and watch our own kids run through that meadow"
It's like all of a sudden my heart stops. Peeta wants kids. Something I've always feared. But now that I have Sophie has that thought changed? I don't know. I manage to choke out
"Maybe someday"
But inside I fear if that someday may ever come.