Geoff casually looked around the vast, blank void. Actually that's a lie, it was not entirely blank. In the distance, a thin gold line stretched from one end of the horizon to the other with the only change being an almost indistinguishable bump in the dead centre of the line. Seeing no reason why he shouldn't, Geoff began to move towards the bump. He set off in that direction in a gentle amble, because why rush?
Surprisingly, he was covering the distance fairly quickly. Out of curiosity, he stopped moving his legs to see if it made any difference at all. It didn't, but he started moving his legs again because otherwise it would have just been weird.
As Geoff lazily zoomed closer to the line, he wondered what it was he was wal...glid...moving towards. Realising that he was being daft, he focused his eyes on the line in the distance, just as he had done with the funeral ship.
It was a basic metal fence, like the kind used to mark the boundaries of old stately homes or gated communities. Sure, it looked like gold and it was exceptionally shiny, but all in all there's nothing special about a fence. Really, when you think about it, a fence is just a half-arsed wall. Sorry, I'm digressing again, just like with that ghastly wall paper, anyway back to the story.
The little lump in the distance was much more interesting. It was a toll booth and a fairly opulent one as toll booths go. It was slightly higher than the fence it was connected to and was made out of thick, wooden beams painted to match the colour of the fence. The walls seemed to be made out of silver bricks and were noticeably less shiny than the beams and fence, but not by much.
There was a rectangular hole cutting across the front half of the booth which exposed its sole occupant and his office to the outside...nothingness. The entire walls of the office were covered in green felt, because at this point in the design stage they had just stopped caring about such little things like "limits" and "eyes". Here and there hanging on the walls were the "motivational" pictures beloved by "creative" leaders everywhere for inspiring their workers and making the daily slog less dreary. Just like how painting a smiley face on a bomb makes it less traumatising.
Speaking of bombs, the person sitting at the desk looked like they were going to go off themselves any moment now. The gate keeper looked like a young man in his early twenties with black, slicked-back hair and a greasy complexion. From what Geoff could see, he was dressed in a pure-white, tight-fitting dinner jacket and was probably wearing matching trousers; although he would not have been surprised if the trousers had rainbow polka dots on them.
The man was studiously leafing through a note pad on his desk and was muttering intently to himself as Geoff silently approached. He gave the stressed looking gate keeper a few minutes to notice him before politely notifying him of his existence.
"G'day sir. I'm..."
The young man suddenly let out a startled yelp and flung his notebook into the air. He spun his head around wildly in a confused panic at this unexpected greeting.
"Wh'...Wha'...Whe'."
"Are ye alright lad?"
Realising that there was a stranger actually here with him and that his mind had not finally snapped, the keeper calmed down and focused on his new visitor.
"Y-Yeah, thanks for...er...I mean, yes, thank you for asking sir."
"Are ye sure? Ye seem a little...stressed."
"Don't...do not worry about me sir, it's...it is my first day on the job and I'm...I am still learning the rules."
"I'm sure ye'll get the knack o' it in no time. By the way, this is a Heaven, yes?"
"T-thank you sir and yes this is Heaven, the one and only one I might add. Are you ready to receive your final judgement and enter paradise to spend eternity in bliss and serenity?"
"I'm afraid I'm just here to pay a quick visit to my wife before heading off to see my son. I hope that won't be too much trouble for you."
A look of total bewilderment quickly crept across the young man's face and his nervous twitching returned.
"C-c-can you d-do that?"
"I don't see why not. I wasn't too knowledgeable about Jenny's religion, but I had a quick skim through your book and it didn't mention anything about just visiting."
"W-wait, you are a non-b-believer!? How d-did you even get here in t-the first place?"
"Oh you know, the usual way. I just opened the door."
"What door!?"
"This one."
Doing the same thing he did last time, Geoff opened the door back to the room he died in and stood back. It seemed that very little time had changed from when he left, because Xynthrax was still there and it did not look happy. As Xynthrax lunged at the door and the keeper screamed in terror, Geoff shut the door and a loud crunching sound echoed through the void around them.
"W-what was t-that horrific thing!?"
"I know right, I have no idea why they chose such ghastly wallpaper. Although I must admit I can't decide whether I prefer it to the aesthetics of your office."
"W-what are you going on about!?"
"The wallpaper. The fact that someone sat down and decided to make something that ghastly is bad enough, but to willingly decorate your home with it is just beyond comprehension. If my eyes were working properly when they carried me in there, I would have screamed to."
"Not the wallpaper you blithering idiot! The thing that lunged at us, what was that?"
"Oh, that was just Xynthrax. I think he was a Grim Reaper or something. You know, I never asked, how rude of me. Perhaps we should ask so we can get some closure for you."
Before the keeper could protest this idea, Geoff opened the door again. Xynthrax was lying crumpled in the middle of the room and did not seem to be moving. Geoff peered through the edge of the door and looked around the room. Everything looked intact, well everything except Xynthrax anyway.
"Hey Xynthrax, we're just checking in on you. That was a nasty crash we heard, are you alright?"
Xynthrax gave a low moan and slowly rose its' head. The features of its' face were swimming around clumsily and it's voice sounded more discordant than before.
"That was the first time in my existence that I have ever encountered a solid surface."
"So that would be a no then?"
"Indeed, this appears to be the case."
"I'm terribly sorry about just leaving you like that. I didn't want to wait to see if I could do it after you dropped me off at my destination."
"That is a passable excuse. Will you be returning here once you are finished with your errands?"
"Probably, depends on how many obstacles they put in my way just to say hello."
"Good, this assignment I have been given is of the utmost importance. I apologise for my rash actions earlier, I have had this problem before and not many of them were willing to return."
"That's perfectly understandable, unfortunately some people are like that and will just keep running even when they really should just stop. I'm sorry about slamming the door on you, I thought you would just pass safely through the wall."
"That is also an understandable assumption. Now make haste and return here, I do not have much time as it is."
"I'll try to hurry, but before I go this young man here wanted to know what you are."
Xynthrax turned its' head to face the gate keeper and for a moment there was nothing but a disquieting silence.
"I am a guide that shepherds souls to their correct destination, as well as hunting and capturing any souls who try to escape their predestined paths Gareth."
At the mentioning of his name, Gareth recoiled in shock and awe.
"H-how d-did you know my name?"
"I now know everything about you Gareth. Everything. Could you please let Mr. Hughes progress because, as I have said, we are on a very tight schedule."
"T-the Supreme One will not like t-this."
"They will be dealt with later, but for now, you will no longer impede Mr. Hughes. Am I understood?"
"Y-yes, sir...I mean, yes...madam?...er...I mean yes."
"Good."
Geoff gently closed the door and turned to face Gareth. The poor man was shell shocked and looked like he was about to collapse into a heap.
"Is there a gate I have to walk through or something like that?"
Gareth closed his eyes and focused on getting himself under control. Once his shakes had settled back into barely noticeable tremors, he turned back to Geoff.
"No you cannot, I will not allow it! Besides you have no power here, this is The Lord's domain."
"I understand, I'll just open the door again and let you explain this to Xynthrax."
"NO! I mean...no, that will not be necessary. Tell me your wife's details and I will send you right there."
"Her full name is Jennifer Clara Hughes, but her maiden name was O'Malley and everyone just called her Jenny. She had three children: Michael Richard Hughes; Clarice Sally Hughes; and Timothy Harrison Hughes. She died in August 2103 during the evening whilst I was coming home from the office."
"That narrows it down to seven people, is there anything else you can add?"
"Before our first child was born, we made a deal where if I talked in a ridiculous accent for the rest of my life I could choose the names of our sons, whilst she chose our daughters' names."
"Was it worth it?"
"I have a daughter called Clarice, you tell me."
"Well it certainly is not the worst name anyone has had to live with."
"If Tim was a girl, he would have been called Trixie."
"Ah, I see. Well what did she want to name your sons?"
"She wanted them to be called Yeat and Cuchulainn."
"They are not that bad as names go."
"Aye, that they're not, but when was the last time you ever heard of anyone called Cuchulainn? Have you ever heard anyone with Yeat as their first name? Life's hard enough without having a name like that tied around your neck."
"Not as bad as Rhinestone and Gargleblaster."
"You're shitting me, right? Please tell me those aren't names people actually have."
"Nope completely true, the last century was weird like that. Anyway, I found your wife and she has been told that you will be visiting shortly. Please step through the portal over there."
A glowing sphere of puce, because of course that's the colour they would choose, light flashed into existence beside Geoff.
"Thank you Gareth. I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble on your first day, but look on the bright side, it probably won't be this bad again for a long while."
Geoff stepped into the portal and, with a deafening "whoompth", he was transported to a fairly pleasant glass conservatory which faced out into a beautifully tended garden with thousands of different types of blooming flowers. Just outside the door to the garden, there were two large wicker chairs facing outwards with a small wicker table between them. On the table there were two white cups that looked like they were full of coffee sitting on small china saucers. Sitting in the chair to his right and currently facing away from him was a horrifically burned corpse.
"Jenny?"
The corpse twisted in its chair and replied in a dry, cracked voice. Its' shrivelled eyes still had a vague hint of blue to them, despite having been so badly damaged.
"Don't ye recognise me dear?"
"I do now. I just wanted to make sure young Gareth back there sent me to the right place. I'm afraid he's had a rather traumatising day so far."
Geoff walked over and settled down in the chair beside Jenny. As he expected, the chair was much comfier than it appeared at first glance.
"Xynthrax?"
"Aye, I take it ye've already met"
"Aye, it takes its job very seriously, it does. Very professional."
"So how have ye been dear? I hope this place is everything ye dreamed it would be."
"On the whole it ain't too bad. Tis a tad dull at times, what with me being able to get anything I'd like within the rules, but what can ye do."
"Well at least ye're o.k. I was kinda worried about that. Oh, is this coffee mine perchance?"
"Aye love, it is. Any word on our Tim?"
Geoff leaned over and picked up the cup closer to him. He took a sip of the coffee and was pleased to discover that it had a similar texture to gravy, just how he liked it.
"I'm afraid I haven't heard a single thing about Tim, but I'll be paying him a visit after I'm done here to make sure he's alright. Have you heard about Jane's beau yet?"
"It has come to my knowledge, yes?"
"Out o' interest, does it bother you at all?"
"I cannae say if it does o' not. I'm afraid I have very little information on these matters. Why do ye ask?"
"Jus' in case I figure out a way for us t' go visit them every once in a while."
"Ye can do that?"
"Well I got here didn't I? I reckon I could take us to a great many places once I got the knack down."
A crooked, yellow smile broke out of Jenny's deformed face. In the warm glow of an evening sun, it looked friendly and welcoming despite her injuries.
"Trust ye to be the one to start stabbing at the walls with a stick. How come ye haven't mentioned my appearance yet?"
"Well I reckon that now that I'm dead, I can probably expect a lot more than a simple hiding if I give ye the wrong answer."
A rough jagged laugh ripped itself from Jenny's throat and hung in the air for a while.
"Why don't ye kiss me first and then give me your answer?"
"Alright, that should give me enough time to come up with something suitably witty and charming. Eyes closed like we used to?"
"Aye, if ye like."
Geoff closed his eyes and leaned closer to Jenny. He leaned as far he could and he heard Jenny begin to lean closer as well. Suddenly he felt the texture of burnt meat on his lips and the taste of ash in his mouth, but he didn't mind. They held it for a few seconds before they returned back to their seats. Geoff opened his eyes.
The burnt corpse was gone and in its place was a young woman in her late twenties. She had long auburn hair that reached down to her shoulders and blue eyes so bright that they were almost luminous. A pair of loose-fitting black jeans and a yellow t-shirt covered her athletic frame and her pale skin was dotted here and there with freckles. In the grand scheme of things she would be considered average or homely to most eyes, but to Geoff's eyes she was perfect.
"You look lovelier than anything I can remember."
Jenny leaned over and gently punched Geoff in the arm. He grabbed his arm and started to roll around the floor in mock pain as Jenny laughed in the background.
"Oh deary, deary me. If that's the best ye can come up with, maybe I should ask fer these in advance, aye?"
"I can't help it if your beauty always leaves me dumfounded and tongue-tied."
Jenny got up out of her chair and gave the smirking Geoff a light kicking.
"Oh get up ye soppy bastard. Is that anyway for a pensioner t' be behaving, now?"
"O' course it is, if it weren't for the kids giving us stern looks in public we probably never would have grown up in the first place."
Geoff tripped Jenny up and they started to wrestle playfully across the lawn. For the next couple of minutes they tumbled joyfully about the lawn before coming to a rest and began to lazily watch the clouds. After a while Geoff helped Jenny up and they each helped to dust the other off.
"I suppose I had better get going. I still need to pay Tim a visit before Xynthrax sends me on my way."
"Do ye think yer new place will be as nice as mine?"
"I hope so, I'll feel gypped if it isn't."
"Aye, 'twould be a shame if I was the only one with a nice house."
"I suppose that for now, it's goodbye my love."
"Good luck, me dearie."
And after one final embrace, Geoff opened the door and waved goodbye as he stepped through the door.