I don't really know how to start my story so I'll tell you what happened first.
The first time I ever got bullied was in 7th grade. In the beginning of the year I had the worst acne. I was basically a walking pepperoni pizza.
That was from August to probably early October.
Now, to the part when it happened:
Me and my only other friend at the time went to the library after we ate lunch. We started talking and then these 3 boys came in and sat across from us.
Since they didn't know how to whisper AT ALL, I heard everything they said. One of the guys said to the other 2 "Ew, that girl is ugly!"
The other 2 boys looked over to where me and my friend were sitting. They agreed with him and started talking about me. Obviously it was me because it wasn't my friend, she's not ugly.
I was trying to tell her that I wanted to leave but she didn't want to. I just left and she stayed reading her book.
The other time it happened was in class. That was embarrassing especially since it was more than just 3 people.
There was this boy - and it would be the class clown - that made fun of me for the same reason the other 3 guys made fun of me in the library.
I was sitting in the back of the class and this girl who has the same name as me came to do her work. I didn't know what they said because I was talking to my 2 other friends when they were talking.
Somehow, they got into the subject of MY name. The "class clown" called me "Connect The Dots".
My friend stood up for me and told him that my name was *name*. (I'm not going to put my name in here because I think someone that was there when this happened will read this. And I don't want them to know)
She said that before he called me ... THAT name.
I'm pretty sure my face was red from embarrassment in that moment. I tried to hide my face the rest of the day.
The other incident happened fairly recent actually. It happened yesterday, I think. Or Monday (2 days ago). I don't remember.
I was on the bus to go home after school. The kids (I think 6, 7, or 8) in the back were playing Truth or Dare. There were about 4 middle schoolers and the rest were high schoolers.
One of the middle schoolers dared another middle schooler to put what I think was hand sanitizer on me.
I was sitting in the middle part of the bus, in front of the back of the bus.
Since the guy was sitting alone seat behind me, it wasn't that hard for him to try and do it.
This is going to be hard to explain, but I'll try my best to do explain. Sorry if it's not understandable - if that's even a word.
I was sitting on the right side of the bus. I wasn't sitting too close to the window, there was a good 2 inches between me and the wall of the bus. There was this tiny little crack on the back of my seat between the seat and the wall.
That's where he slid his hand into.
It wasn't too big but it wasn't too small. It was big enough for him to put his hand through it, but he had to turn it sideways for it to fit.
His bus stop was coming up so the guy that dared him to do it was rushing him.
I saw him put his hand through the space so I scooted my book bag closer to me so it wouldn't get on my books. (My book bag was open and I didn't feel like closing it. Also, it had holes in it)
Either he didn't want to do it, or he couldn't see but he dropped some hand sanitizer 1 inch away from me and got up. He told the kid that he did it, when he really didn't.
Since my sister is popular (because she's pretty) and the kid knew that we were sisters, he told my sister that he put hand sanitizer on me.
I didn't want them to make fun of me for it so I turned around and said "He didn't put nothing on me." He then said, "He didn't?" And I shook my head "no".
After that they talked about me. I don't think it was in a bad way but I couldn't hear
because:
1) The bus made too much noise with all the road bumps
and
2) There was about 3 people talking back there. And it may not seem like a lot but they were very loud.
2 minutes later I hear one of the high school kids say "...she looks like a pizza face."
I didn't really understand what he said at first, that's why I put the 3 dots.
When he said that, my heart started beating fast. Was he still talking about me? He probably was.
Then he starts saying, "See I'm a high schooler, I can say whatever I want."
The middle schooler
(who dared the guy to put hand sanitizer on me) said something dirty like "suck my ..." you know. I don't think he actually said that but I do remember that he said something dirty.
I was a bit grateful that he said something that HOPEFULLY made them forget about what the high schooler said.
But, it still got to me.
I mean I know I'm ugly, but he didn't have to go and tell it to everybody back there. I'm pretty sure they knew, too.
Yesterday, when it happened, I had mixed emotions. I was sooooo embarrassed - I mean who wouldn't be? Besides people who just don't care which is not me at all. I still don't get hot people can't let things like that get to them - but I was also sad.
The name calling hasn't happened for MONTHS and the fact that a HIGH SCHOOLER made fun of me, in front of MORE than 5 people, made me feel so many different types of ways.
I just wanted to disappear right then and there. I didn't want anyone to look at me, I didn't want anyone to know me, and I didn't want anyone to care about me.
I wish I wasn't there that day. I wish I would've just stayed with my friend at school and watched her tryouts. I wish I wouldn't have been scared of being left alone after she left. That wouldn't have happened if I stayed with her.
The worst part is, when I got home, no one made my day better. Everyone was mad at everybody.
Other people apologized to each other but since I hold grudges for more than 2 seconds, I stayed mad at my mom and sister for hours.
My mom was yelling at me for no reason AGAIN for the 2nd time since she got home.
She's always yelling at somebody and that really gets on my nerves because she thinks that she's helping people but she really isn't.
Let's flash back to when my sister left with my mom to go to the mall.
My half sister (23) left to go pick up her son (3) from school (daycare). She lives with our mom because she didn't exactly make the wisest decisions in high school.
(She graduated pregnant because she lied to my mom saying "I'm going to study w/ a friend" when she really was partying. And she had a little too much fun at the party)
So basically, I was home alone. If I wasn't depressed, I would've been like "Woohoo! Uninterrupted Netflix/YouTube time with unlimited food and snacks!!" (I got that from a zodiac post on Instagram, I'm a Cancer)
But since I WAS depressed, my first thought was actually crying in the bathroom until someone came back home. I wasn't just crying because of what happened. I was crying because I was starting to accept the fact that my sisters will always be the ones that will get all the boys and I would always be the sibling that aunts/uncles and grandparents will always tell me "You've gotten so big!" I accepted that fact.
While they were gone, I was trying SOOOOOOO hard to cry in the shower. I don't know why but the tears wouldn't come out. So I stayed in the shower for probably a good 2 hours (my half sister came knocking on the door for me to get out the shower but I ignored her because I was mad at the world that day).
The night before was the night that I cried for 30 minutes because I couldn't take it. One look in the mirror while I was walking out the bathroom and I knew I would always be like this. I mean I've been like this for years so might as well accept it now and stop judging myself.
That seems like something you wouldn't like to know so I'll end it here.
There was more stuff that made me think bad (suicidal) thoughts but that seems like a diary entry for me to write.
Sorry for making this way longer than I thought it would be.
I don't know if you actual read these anymore (the endings). I don't have any advice but if I did, trust me I would be way happier than I am right now.
I'll try and give some advice for those of you who are desperate enough to take advice from someone who can't seem to be happy for 1 whole day:
1) Stay with your friends. Know who your real ones are and stay together for as long as you can. If they don't replace you, don't replace them. They might want to help so opening up to them might be a huge help for you. (No I haven't found a friend that I can open up too, yet.)
2) Don't let things get to you. Don't take words people say personal. I'm saying this because I've heard it words for some people. It doesn't work for me though but it might work for you.
&
3) Don't compare yourself to that pretty girl that gets hit on all the time. This actually helps me (sometimes) for a couple of minutes. But since my school/house is surrounded by pretty faces, I can't stop myself from judging myself because I don't have clear skin like other people do. I judge myself because my hair isn't perfect and soft like other people. I don't have the prettiest facial features and people don't like what they see.
If you ever think you're ugly, just be happy you don't look like me. Trust me, even if you can't see me and I can't see you, I know you're not as ugly as I am. It's impossible. You're probably not ugly at all. Yeah, you're not.
I would love to see my story get published. Even though it's not bad because you only heard of what happens on the outside, you don't know what happens on the inside though.
If you could comment some advice that you know has helped people, or that has helped you, please feel free to comment. I want to be a happier person. My heart can't handle all of this sadness.
I'll answer any questions you have. You probably won't comment but I've seen other people do this so I want to be included in SOMETHING in my life.
Again, sorry for making this longer than the average human attention span can handle. I'll write the rest in my diary. If u want to know my Wattpad name, I'll PM it to you because I don't want anyone I know knowing it's me. I really don't know why but I just don't.