42.
●•Kirsten•●
I woke up all on my own, feeling nothing but the thin sheets over my body. And when I say nothing but that, I mean absolutely nothing. Tyler wasn’t there, as usual, and my clothes were still on the floor. My head wasn’t aching, but on the other hand, the rest of my body was dying to not move at all.
During the past weeks I had a lot to fix, considering how many broken things I had scattered on my floor. Also, Tyler and I had a lot to catch up… On our bed, under the sheets. Every day after he came home from the gym, he’d take me to the room, we’d have some fun, and then he’d go to shower while I made dinner. No dialogues, no anything but our bodies.
Let’s say he’s not the gentlest, so I’m kind of knackered. I feel so tired I’m pretty sure I’d be able to sleep something like a whole week in a row. How’s that even possible? I wish I knew, but thinking sounds too hard of a work for me to do. I honestly don’t need more.
Lately I’ve been doing everything. Or at least that’s how it feels like. Suddenly everything is a mess again, and I can’t get a break. The more I do, the more I have to. When I’m just finished with the laundry, the basket of clothes is full again; I go grocery shopping, and one day later we’re nearly running out of food; I finish washing the dishes and a new dirty glass shows up; I sweep the whole house, but when I come back to where I’d started, there’s dust everywhere; when I get to sit down and stop for a moment, I realize it’s already time to go to the club. What is going on?
Fine. I know I’m doing everything a thousand times slower than what I used to, but I’m tired, for God’s sake! My brain is overloaded with thoughts and it’s not being able to send the right commands to my other members anymore. It’s not like I can help it; I can’t force myself to get some rest. If I do that, things will definitely get out of control. I’m the balance of everything, and that’s a huge weight to carry on.
I can’t lie, though. I hate to admit that my whole mind is going insane because of that stupid guy. I do miss Styles. He’s damn annoying at times, but still, he relaxes me. And without him, I just feel like everything is exhausting. Tyler is exhausting, taking care of the house is exhausting, cooking is exhausting, and even breathing is exhausting. Now that I don’t have Lana and Angel around, things seem worse. I’m not used to the life I have since 8 years ago anymore. How can I suddenly stop getting used to what I’ve been doing for years? I can find no explanation for it. And I refuse to accept curly has something to do with it. He’s been on my mind a lot, true, but he can’t, and he isn’t the reason why I’m getting unused to my own routine.
Besides, it’s been three weeks and he hasn’t showed up in any ways. I may actually be having a hard time accepting he did, indeed, listen to me, and gave up once and for all, but I’m not disappointed. Nah-ah. I’m fine. I did what was supposed to be done, the right thing to be done on a situation like ours. I set an end to something stupid and childish that came up to ruin my relationship only.
I’m not disappointed on Styles because I have Tyler. I’ve always had. He might not be the best, but he’s perfect for me. No one else would bear with me the way he does. And trust me, I’m quite unbearable. Life works to keep its balance; good for good and bad for bad. No matter how much you try to change that, it won’t happen. You get what you deserve, and Tyler is what I deserve. He’s more than enough, to be honest. He has his issues, but they only complete mine.
There is no ‘Styles and I’, and there’s never been. I’m glad he finally realized that. It took him a lot, actually.
Wanna know something? Put all that bullsh–t aside. The reason why I haven’t slept well during all those three weeks; the reason why I’ve been so damn distracted and slow is because that jackass can’t leave my mind. I can barely face Angel, because I know she wants to ask me loads of things about her beloved Harry, and I can’t deal with that. Not yet. For some reason, I can’t see myself talking to the little girl about him because I am not freaking sure of how I am going to look or sound like.
There you go. Styles makes me insecure. It’s not the first time, and I know that. When he kisses me it’s like I don’t know my own body, and that’s scary as hell. It’s even scarier that I’m afraid of talking to the girl I love the most because she reads me too well, and I’m afraid of her seeing something she’s not supposed to. But what am I afraid of? There’s nothing for her to see! There is no Styles and I!
But… Ugh. Fine. I’m a bit disappointed, maybe. Surprised might be the word I’m looking for.
He said he was in love! He was the one who started this whole thing. Isn’t he supposed to at least pretend he cares a bit more? I’m not surprised he didn’t mean it, it’s easy not to fall in love with me, but I’m kind of disappointed that he gave up so easily. I don’t know! I was expecting something more than that. I’m stupid, ain’t I? Of course he’d leave after what I told him.
Who doesn’t get scared as hell when they find out the person you’re supposedly in love with killed two people? He probably thinks I’m planning to murder him or something like that. It was actually funny how he thought I was kidding. I wouldn’t go so far to push someone away; I could simply ignore him. But… No. I had to share with him something about me that three people only know of. Me being one of those. What the hell was I thinking? Wasn’t the purpose to let him know as less as possible about me? Wasn’t it the reason why it took me decades to even tell him my name? So why, for God’s sake, I told him something that pains me just thinking of? It hurts even more because it’s the pure true: I did already kill someone. I’m not proud of it, but I had to. Long story, I don’t like thinking about it.
See? That’s why I don’t like people getting into my life. They make you create that little spark of hope that they won’t leave and… Ta da. They’re gone in a blink of an eye. He is, indeed, someone who doesn’t keep his promises. Well, now I can at least blame myself for being overly stupid, ‘cause let’s face it, he warned me. Of course, back then it held a whole different meaning, but he told me. It was his way of telling me he was going to leave me once he got what he wanted or simply when he got bored. Congrats, Kirsten. You got fooled.
“K., I’m going to gym, and after, Zach and I are going out with the guys just to say we did something on his birthday,” Tyler said, grabbing my waist from behind and kissing my cheek without I could even noticed his actions. He kept his arms around me and his head on my shoulder while he stared at me carefully, frowning a bit. “Is everything okay? Are you feeling bad?”
I shook my head, averting my gaze from the window – which I’d been staring for maybe too long – and slightly smiling at my boyfriend. I didn’t even remember how the hell I got out of bed and ended up fully dressed, in the living room, doing exactly what I was doing now, and that bothered me. I’m distracted to the point I can’t remember my own actions. That’s pathetic.
“Nah, I’m good. Just tired. Tell Zach I said happy birthday. I’ll stop by the café to give him his present one of these days,” I said, turning my face to the side so I could kiss Tyler’s cheek just like he’d done to me. He still had this concerned look, and I giggled. “I swear, I’m fine, tough one. You can go do your job without worrying about me, okay? I don’t want you getting beaten up by your own students because you can’t stop thinking of me.”
Tyler truly laughed at this, pecking my lips right after.
“Good one. I’d totally pay to see one of those even trying to beat me up. It would be amusing,” he mocked, letting go of me and looking for the keys of the car.
“Don’t be so full of yourself, Tyler. They’re learning with the best, I don’t doubt they’ll become really good.”
“Stop being such an asslicker. I know where you’re trying to get with this. And no, I’m not going grocery shopping for you. Give up. That’s a job for women. I probably would come back with snacks only, and you’d kill me.”
I pouted, not being able to avoid the smile, though. Maybe I was trying to convince him to do a few things for me, but of course it wasn’t working. I’d have to keep dealing with everything myself. That was my curse, or maybe my bless. At least I had this, didn’t I? I had a boyfriend, a house, and enough to move and do all the things I’m complaining of instead of actually doing them. Shame on you, Kirsten.
“I’ll tell Zach, though. Just don’t buy him something too expensive ‘cause we’re not rich,” I laughed at Tyler, nodding while he came closer to me to peck my lips once more before leaving. I loved that side of his. That sweet, caring and funny side of his. Bless that man when he’s in a good mood.
Once the door closed, I kept staring out the window. Soon enough, he was out of sight, and I felt my heart being squeezed in my chest. What’s this longing? It’s a terrible feeling being alone again. I seriously need a therapist. I might be getting depressed or something; I’d never felt this sad in years. Of course, I’m not the happiest, but before, I was at least able to bear with my own feelings.
I sighed, throwing myself on the sofa as I decided not to do anything until I had to go to the club. Just for today, just for now, I needed to do absolutely nothing. I just really needed to close my eyes and…
“You are a mess,” Caitlyn said, smiling suggestively at me while she sipped her beverage. Seriously, is she allowed to drink that much while she works? Because, honestly? She shouldn’t. “Haven’t seen you like this it’s been a long while. How much fun are you and Tyler having?” she laughed loudly, though no one noticed due to the loud music.
I rolled my eyes at her. It was pure alcohol speaking. Or at least I tried to convince myself of that just so I wouldn’t snap at her.
“No, but seriously,” she trailed off, swallowing the liquid and making funny faces while doing so. “You two should take a break. It’s visibly killing you.”
“You’re always so sweet, Cait. I should reward you for that. Always cheering me up, you know? My self-esteem thanks you a lot. Now give me that damn tray, those old-smelly-men are thirsty,” I pointed towards the several glasses and she nodded, giving them to me. “And just for the records, what Tyler and I do, stays between Tyler an I.”
She raised an eyebrow at me, then she threw her free hand on the air. I win.
As I kept wandering through the several tables, my head was still lost on thoughts. I was, indeed, a wreck, but it wasn’t because of Tyler. Well, not completely because of him. My mind was the one playing games with me, making me wonder what’s so wrong with myself.
I was so convinced that I was going nuts that I had to blink a couple of times when I spotted a tall and thin shadow between all those people. I was certainly going crazy.
When the lights went off for a sec, just to come back a few moments later, following the rhythm of the music, he was gone. No shadows, no curls. Anywhere. I’m insane. For f–ck’s sake, what is going on with me?
“Hey,” his thick accent whispered in my ear, and I jumped, feeling my heart speeding up way more than the usual. No, it’s not on the f–cking cheesy meaning of the thing. He’d just scared the hell out of me, that’s why. “May I talk to you for a while?”
“The f–ck you’re doing here, Styles? I told you to leave me alone. Are you deaf or what?”
He only grinned at me, giving me his back and walking away. What? That’s it? That’s all it takes for him to go away? Why did he even come, then?
“Are you following me or not?” he asked, turning around and grabbing my wrist. My luck the tray was already empty; otherwise I’d have dropped a few drinks.
“Excuse me, where are you taking me?”
“Outside. It’s too hot in here,” he yelled, trying to make me hear him above the noise. I tried to shrug off, but his grip was tight on my skin. A minute later, he led me out the club and I shivered, feeling the cold air and the shortage of human contact straight away. “Here, take this,” he threw his jacket at me and I frowned, though I didn’t object.
I was still fumbling with the sleeves when he sat down on the same wood bench I’d seen him once and thought he was a homeless guy. The thought made me laugh, and Styles stared at me with a smile on his face as well.
“What are you laughing at?” he asked, looking at me with the corner of his eyes as I sat down next to him.
“This time you don’t look homeless,” I said simply, and he smiled as well, now thinking of the same thinking as me. “What are you doing here, Styles?” I finally questioned, losing my smile completely.
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m here for you,” he whispered, and I sighed. Sh–t. Why did I finally feel light when he said that? You must have to be kidding me. “C’mon, admit it, Kirs. You missed me, too. I can see it in your eyes, you missed me.”
“No, I did not,” I lied, wanting to punch myself for knowing so well it was a lie, after all.
“Yeah, right,” he giggled, looking down for a while before staring intently into my eyes. Unconsciously, I caught my breath. “I can’t do this, Kirsten. Not anymore, I’m sorry.”
What the hell was he talking about?
Before I could even try to understand, he held my hand and got closer, cupping my face and softly pressing his lips on mine. And the worst thing is that I let out the air I was holding, which seemed to be happening for too long. I let it all out and I closed my eyes, finally feeling relaxed again.
And guess what? Yeah. Sh–t. I kissed him back.
●•Author's Note•●
dedication goes to: @irish_blondie first off, welcome! I'm so glad you dedicated your time to reading this. And I'm glad you're enjoying it. Second off, I used Windows Movie Maker to make the trailer. Took me a lot of time, but... Yeah.
note: Just saying; those Harry gifs/pics on the sidebar always make me have a heart attack. I shall stop putting them there but I just can't help myself. I gotta keep your mind fresh at how beautiful he is and that's the person Kirsten has chasing her. You DAMN LUCKY BASTARD.
Anyways. There you go, KARRY AGAIN *-* Trust me, it's gonna become a bit more often from now on. She's finally accepting she has feelings towards him and that is a huge progress. Whatever.
Guysssssss! The video on the sidebar is 'Just Can't Let Her Go' because a lot of you said (and it's true) the song sounds a lot as if it was made for Kirsten. Personally, I think the boys are reading my fanfic. Or I'm just a psychic. I mean, first there was Leroy on BSE, now this. Sounds suspicious to me. But whatever. The song is already on DMG's playlist. Check it out on my blog (external link).
Nowwww, I just really need you to bear with me 'coz I'm emotinal. First off: TCAs. JESUS CHRIST. I got so pissed off 'coz everyone just talked about Harry, but then there was Harry twerking and 4/4 awards I'm just not okay. Second off: MY TICKETS FOR WWA ARRIVED! I'm not breathing. Not at all. This is not real. Andddd third off: Niall's twitcam. Ugh, he's so perfect. I kinda needed to share my feels with you, sorry. Hopefully you're all alive after Karry moment + all those things.
next update: Friday (August 16th)
Reach 400 votes again for early update. Best comment gets a dedication :)
Love you all, Dani xx