A/N: Okay who is Aqueela Lawson and why does everybody keep mentioning Death? I feel like I'm on the outside of the inside joke y'all have going on 😩
@StrayLukes wrote this amazing poem for TBTD, and it actually kinda goes along with this chapter perfectly. It's absolutely lovely! Thank you, babe
But then the mask will soon break it will crumple
And that's when you realize
You can't hide forever
You can't show your true colors
You can't look at everyone or thing like your fine
When really your breaking
Your falling apart
Your just waiting for the right time
Or not just gonna tell at. All
Your waiting to find true love
Your waiting for the right part to tell them
Your waiting for someone to say it's ok
Demi And Aiden
Fixing each others problems
Demi and Aiden
Aiden And Demi
The Ballerina and The Devil
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I raced down the steps, skipping every other one in the process, and came to an abrupt halt in front of the door. Unfortunately, my attempt to get there first failed miserably.
I groaned loudly when I saw my dad standing at the door with his hand on the knob.
"Dad," my voice automatically went up in a whine. "Please don't."
"Don't what? Answer the door of the house I own?" He asked. "The house I'm paying for?"
I rolled my eyes and stuck my tongue out at his back.
"I saw that."
"No you didn't."
"I sensed that."
My eyes rolled once more as he pulled open the door.
With my emotions flickering between annoyance because of my dad to the panicky unease thanks to Kenzie's cutting words, I welcomed the warm feeling that made its way through every point of my body starting from my head and ending at my toes. It was amazing that just the mere sight of Aidan standing in that door frame could do that to me.
My eyes ran over his tall frame and took note that he has switched up his gray hoodie and dark athletic pants for a pair of jeans and a plain gray tee.
My heart fluttered at how handsome he was.
Aidan's eyes found me first, and then they shifted to my dad. His entire composure changed in almost an instant. He straightened up and cleared his throat, his eyes darting around nervously. I could just barely hold back my giggle of amusement.
I personally found it downright hilarious the way Aidan acted around my father. The very few chance run ins they happened to have, Aidan had displayed an anxious demeanor.
Aidan, the guy who showed the emotional capacity of a rock around almost everybody, was nervous. Not only was it completely laughable it was also kind of surprising. I had no idea why he would be nervous.
Well, okay, I did. My dad liked to play up the intimidating persona whenever he spoke to a guy I was going out with.
"Hello, Aidan," my dad said in the stern voice that was strictly reserved for boys that came to the door for me.
"Hello, Sir," Aidan replied with quiet politeness.
I quickly sidestepped around my father and smiled up at Aidan. "Hi."
His tense smile turned into a warm one as he gazed down at me. "Hi."
"Hi....," I giggled, playing with my fingers. His smile widened.
"I'm still here."
My face heated up, and I turned around to glare at my father. "Dad."
"What?"
"We're going to go now," I tried to walk out as fast as I could, but it wasn't fast enough.
"Just one moment," Dad placed a hand on my shoulder, stopping me. "Can't I talk with Aidan here?"
"You talked," I replied impatiently. "You said hi, he said hi. I was there. I saw it. I was a witness. Bye now."
Again I tried to run out, but my dad was quicker.
"What?"
"Be home no later than eleven."
"Midnight," I proposed.
"Eleven," he said shortly.
"Eleven thirty...?"
He paused. "Eleven fifteen."
"Eleven twenty....five," I smiled sweetly.
"Eleven twenty is the highest I'll go."
"Sold," I kissed his cheek and waved, backing out. "Bye."
"Behave yourself, Demi," he warned me although he was staring straight at Aidan when he said it.
I rolled my eyes. "Mhmm, bye," I shut the door and turned to Aidan, smiling apologetically. "Sorry."
"Don't be sorry," he smiled, cupping my face in his hands. "It's not your fault your dad scares the crap out of me."
"I don't understand why on Earth you should be scared of him. He isn't going to actually do anything to you."
"He looks like he's ready to load a shotgun and aim it at me."
"He's just trying to intimidate you," I assured him, stepping closer. "Don't worry, he'll ease up eventually."
"What's eventually?"
"A month....or two...," I paused. "Possibly six."
"I feel very reassured," he laughed before placing a soft kiss on my lips. "You look beautiful."
"And you look very handsome," I examined him again, slipping my hands over his wrists. I smiled innocently, batting my eyelashes. "Visiting the movie theater type handsome to be exact."
"A movie on the first date?" He dropped his hands from my face and twined his fingers with my own, leading me to the driveway. "That's lame. I'm offended you'd think I'd go for something that simple."
"Well, you aren't giving me much to go on," I pointed out. "Couldn't you jus-," I gasped. "Yay! You brought your motorcycle!"
Aidan smiled and nodded, looking at his bike parked in my driveway. "I figured you'd be excited, and I got you something."
He reached towards the seat of the bike, drawing my attention to the fact that there were two helmets on it as opposed to one and handed it to me.
"This is for you."
I took the pink and black helmet in my hands and grinned upon inspection of it. "You actually got me my own helmet?"
"So you would stop whining about my brains spilling out on the street."
I smacked him and eagerly put it on. "How do I look?"
"Amazing," he ran his hands down my arms. "As usual."
"Now we're really partners in crime," I clapped, bouncing on the balls of my feet.
"Always," he agreed, sliding on his own helmet and climbing on.
I got on behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist. "Now that I have my own helmet we should talk about me driving this sometime."
"Demi," warning laced his tone.
"Okay, I'll stop," I resigned.
"Good girl."
Before I could snap at him for talking to me like I was a dog he started up the engine and eased out of the driveway.
As soon as we hit the road he was quick to pick up speed, and eventually we were flying through the night.
I couldn't contain my shout of pure happiness for long, and felt Aidan chuckle beneath my touch at it.
When we finally arrived to our destination I was more than a little surprised to see we had stopped at Aidan's house.
"Your house?" I questioned, climbing off as soon as the engine was cut.
"My house," he responded helping me out of my helmet before taking his off as well. He gave me an apologetic look. "I couldn't leave Briella home alone, so I had to improvise."
"That's okay," I nodded in understanding. "Is your dad...?"
"He took off for the bar at eight o'clock," he set the helmets down on the bike's seat. "He won't be back till about four AM."
Taking my hand he led me to his front door.
"So...are you going to tell me now what this stupid date is?" I asked somewhat impatiently. "Or are we waiting for the very last second?"
"Stupid? I'm hurt," he smirked, pulling out his house key from his pocket. "I spent quite a bit of time preparing all of this for you. Don't be so ungrateful."
"Haven't you heard?" I asked, watching him unlock the front door. "Surprise dates are no longer a thing."
"And who decided that?"
"Me when I spent an hour trying to figure out an outfit to wear."
"You spent an hour on clothes?" He rolled his eyes, stepping in. "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing is wrong with me," I began hotly, shutting the door behind me. "You didn't tell me what we were doing therefore rendering me completely clueless as to what I should wear! Didn't I try telling you that before you so rudely drove off earlier? You can be so annoying some-," my rant came to an abrupt stop when I took in the sight before me. "Times."
The living room had been completely transformed. All the furniture had been cleared out. Lit candles were lined up around the entire perimeter. My eyes wandered around the the dimly lit room and took in a blanket that was stretched out on the floor in front of the television. On the blanket were pillows and a spread of Chinese takeout.
"This looks like a fire hazard," I said, stating the first thing that popped into my head.
"Really? That's your reaction?" He scoffed. "This is why I don't do anything nice for you."
"Well, it does," I huffed. "Excuse me for worrying about the safety of your home."
"They're not real candles," he assured me.
"Okay," I nodded, scanning the room once more. "Wow...you did this? For me?"
"Yeah...but you were right. It's stupid," he reached for the door. "We'll go do something else."
I grabbed his arm and pulled him to the center of the room. "Don't even think about it."
"So, you like it?" He asked hopefully.
"Are you kidding? I love it," I sunk down on the fluffy blanket and smiled up at him. "This is so amazing. You went all out."
"It's our first date," he sat down next to me. "Shouldn't it be something memorable?"
"You're asking the wrong person," I chuckled. "Most of my first dates consisted of making out in the back of movie theaters."
"Well, you do have low standards when it comes to guys," he shrugged. "I can't say I'm surprised."
"That would probably explain why I'm dating you."
"Don't be a bitch, Demi," he tangled his fingers in my hair and leaned in, kissing my nose. "It's not very becoming of you."
"Don't be an asshole, and I won't have to be a bitch," I lifted my head so my lips were pressed against his, and pulled back to beam at him. "I don't know how to thank you for all of this, but I'll find a way."
"This," he trailed one finger gently over my upturned lips. "Is enough."
"I never would have taken you for such a cheesy person, Benson. It's cute."
His smile swiftly changed into a scowl, casting me an annoyed look. "Don't call me cute. I'm not cute."
I rolled my eyes at how easily his "manly ego" was bruised, but didn't push the subject.
"I have something else for you."
I watched curiously as he reached over to grab the remote that was also laying on the blanket. A giggle burst from my lips when the opening of Beauty and the Beast popped up on the screen.
"Really? Beauty and the Beast?"
"A very reliable and trusted source informed me that Beauty and the Beast is a movie that is capable of winning the hearts of girls everywhere," he said with a wise air to his tone.
"Would that reliable and trusted source happen to be five year old who also inhabits this house and makes everyone refer to her as a princess?"
"I'm sorry I can't give away my sources, Cupcake," he shook his head. "That's rule number one."
"Rule number one of what?"
"Of the rule book titled Keeping Your Girlfriend Enthralled."
"How would you even access that book if you've never been in a relationship?" I inquired.
"I would appreciate it if you didn't question me and watched the movie. Thank you."
I sat back against the pillows, and smuggling into Aidan's side. Tangling my legs with his I focused on the TV.
An hour came and left quickly. The small talk Aidan and I were making throughout the course of the film all but died down by the end of the movie as I was completely enraptured. When the closing music started playing I could barely contain my emotions.
"Are you crying?" Aidan asked, looking at me like I was crazy.
"No," I sniffed, I ducked my head further into his chest and dabbed at my eyes, thanking God I didn't put mascara on. "I'm having an allergic reaction."
"To the pictures on the screen?"
I swatted him gently, sniffing again. "I just appreciate a happy ending. Is that okay?"
"It's a movie made for five year olds," he rolled his eyes. "You are so dramatic."
"I am not dramatic," I pulled away from him and sat up, stretching out my tired joints. "And no it is not a movie for five year olds. Disney movies, excuse me, Disney classics are for all the ages."
"You're very weird," he stretched and sitting up as well.
"If I'm so weird why do you hang out with me?"
"Because I kind of like you."
I raised my eyebrows. "Only kinda?"
"Maybe a lot," he allowed.
I smiled and then a thought popped into my head. "Why did you leave sophomore year?"
Aidan looked at me like I was crazy. "You're a really random person."
"I'm aware. Answer the question."
He paused before shrugging. "My dad got fed up with taking care of us on his own, and I use the phrase take care incredibly lightly. He handed us over to our aunt, my mom's sister for about a year and a half."
I nodded. "Well, not that I'm not thrilled you came back, but can I ask why you did? Wasn't it better with your aunt?"
"Much better," he sighed. "But she died of breast cancer, and we don't have any other family apart from our dad so..."
"Oh," I felt a pang in my heart. "Oh, I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault."
"Still...sorry."
He nodded.
I folded my legs Indian style and played with my fingers. "Sooo, I guess you didn't actually go to juvie?"
Aidan cracked a smile. "My life isn't that exciting."
"That's good to know," I sighed in relief.
He glanced at the food in front of new. "You going to eat?"
"I ate," I waved to one of my half eaten egg rolls.
He stared at me for a minute, but I guess he decided not to press it because he nodded and reached for a closed brown bag set aside. He handed it to me and motioned for me to open it.
I pulled the bag open and peered in. I smiled a little and extracted the cupcake sitting at the bottom of the bag.
"A cupcake."
"For my Cupcake...," he examined me carefully. "It's just a shame I don't get the luxury of eating yo-"
I gasped and slapped my hand over his mouth. My entire face reddened as his shoulders shook in muffled laughter.
I dropped my hand and rolled my eyes. "You are so immature."
"And you're so innocent," he smirked. "That'll be fixed though. By the time I'm through with you you'll-"
"I don't want to hear anymore," I interrupted him loudly.
Ignoring another round of his obnoxious laughter, I examined the cupcake.
It was vanilla with white frosting caked on top, sprinkles were the finishing the touch. It looked delicious, and I really did want to eat it, but the guilt I knew I would feel as soon as I consumed it would be too much for me. I carefully set it down next to my box of rice and shrimp, and looked over at Aidan.
I hadn't noticed his laughter had stopped or the fact that he was staring at me almost sadly. No...pityingly.
I didn't like it.
I pointedly looked away and clicked the home button on my phone to check the time. I saw a text message from Kenzie, but hit the lock button before I could properly read it. I didn't want to hear what she had to say at the moment. It would, without a doubt, put me in a sour mood.
"So, what movie do you want to watch next?" I asked brightly, grabbing the remote. "Do you have Netflix? We could watch The Notebook or maybe The Fault in Our-"
"You can't do this, Dem," he cut me off in a quiet and almost tense voice.
"I can't do....what?" I glanced over at him.
"Don't play games with me," he almost snapped. "You know what."
I sighed heavily and looked up at the ceiling. I felt him move closer to me until his body was pressed up against mine. His arms were around my waist, and he embraced me in a comforting gesture, placing a kiss on my cheek.
"Aren't you hungry?"
"Starving."
"Then eat," he whispered. "Eat your food."
"I can't," I lowered my eyes and looked at the food. "I can't eat."
"Yes you can."
"No I can't. I- I just can't bring myself to do it...I can't make myself put the food in my mouth. I know what'll happen. I'm going to feel fat," I whispered, a lump forming in my throat. "And then I'm going to throw up. I don't want to throw up. I'll feel guilty."
"Then don't throw up."
"I'll feel even more guilty if I don't," I rubbed at the tears I wasn't aware had started to fall. "I'll feel better all around if I just don't eat."
"No, you won't," Aidan tightened his hold and kissed my cheek once more. "This isn't going to make you feel better."
"Yes, it will."
"No, it won't. Demi, this is all in your head. You don't need to do this in order to feel good about yourself."
"You don't understand," I sighed. "Nobody seems to understand."
"Then make me understand," his voice was beginning to sound irritated. "Make me understand because you're right. I don't get it. I can't even begin to fathom what's going on in your brain that is making you think any of this is okay."
"I just want to feel good about myself," my voice shook. "This is the only thing I can do that'll make me feel comfortable in my body or as comfortable as I can be. I- some days I feel like clawing my skin off, and this helps."
"This isn't helping you. This isn't going to solve anything."
I pulled back and when he tried to reach out for me I scooted even further away.
"No," I crossed my arms across my chest tightly. "Don't touch me. Please."
Aidan looked momentarily hurt, but he dropped his hand and leaned back, sighing.
We sat in silence for a while. An empty silence.
"This is only going to end one way" he finally said. "With you six feet under."
I considered his words for a moment before shrugging.
"You're okay with that then? You're okay with dying?"
"I don't care about dying at this point," I picked at the blanket, staring at the ground.
And I really didn't. Now, I wouldn't go as far as to say that I was suicidal. I didn't want to kill myself or anything, but if Death happened to come for me early than why would I welcome it with open arms?
With death would come a halt to the voices in my head. It would mark an end to the years I've had to live with a pain-stricken heart, and the dark thoughts that consumed my head every single day. It would come with silence, a restful mind, and maybe, hopefully, peace.
What wouldn't I do for eternal peace after what's felt like an eternity of Hell?
"So you're willing to die for your fucked up cause?" Aidan asked hotly, interrupting my wandering thoughts. "Do you realize how crazy that is? How sick you sound?"
"Weren't you the one who said that dying doesn't matter?" I asked with a sarcastic smile. "Hmm? Didn't you say it all ends the same way? Six feet under? In a graveyard full of decaying bones? We're all going there, right? It's just a matter of time."
"And who the hell are you to play God with your life?" He jumped up, barely managing to keep his voice down. "Because that's what you're doing."
"You're right about one thing," I stood up. "It's my life. Mine. I'll do whatever I want with it, and I really don't appreciate you or Kenzie or my mom or anybody else trying to tell me what to do with it. What I should be doing, and what I shouldn't be doing. What's right, and what's wrong. If I don't want to eat, I'm not going to eat. If I want to throw everything up that's in my stomach then that's exactly what I'm going to do."
"Well, since you're all for free will you won't mind me exercising mine when I tell your family that you've relapsed."
I faltered slightly at threat. "You wouldn't."
"You wanna bet?"
"I'll never speak to you again," I vowed in a low voice. "You gave me your word."
"I'm not going to stand back and watch you die," he clenched his fists.
"I'm not asking you to."
"Yes. You. Are," he growled. "Every moment you spend with me. Every time you laugh with me, talk to me, touch me, kiss me...every time you get closer to me, to my heart, that's exactly what you're asking me to do. You're asking me to standby and watch you kill yourself."
I stared at him silently, my face void of any emotion. At least, I hope it was.
Aidan nodded as if in confirmation. His voice was flat. "So, you're going to leave me too then."
My eyebrows furrowed, confusion flickering around my mind for a few seconds before it dawned on me what he was referring to, and the double meaning to his words when he said he wasn't going to stand back and watch me die.
I sighed. "Aidan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-," I paused. "I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I promise."
"You can't make that promise when you're going to continue doing what you're doing."
I exhaled sharply. "Can we drop this?"
"No," he snapped. "We can't. You need help."
Aidan dropped down on the couch and ran his hands through his hair. For the first time I noticed how truly exhausted he looked, and I began to feel guilty. He led a very busy life with school, working two jobs, and taking care of his sister. I wasn't making life any easier for him with my petty troubles.
I sat down next to him and placed my hand on his lap. "I'm sorry," I started quietly. "I know you have a lot going on right now, and worrying about my problems isn't really making it easy for you."
"It's nothing that you can help," he studied his hands. "It's nothing I can help either. That's just what you do, I guess. You worry about people that you-," he broke off abruptly.
My heart beat picked up speed, thumping so loudly in my chest I was sure Aidan could hear it. It sounded like he was about to say...no. No. I wouldn't think it. I wouldn't even imagine it. I was getting ahead of myself, that's all. There were plenty of things that could be filled into that blank. Plenty of things.
Aidan wound his arm around my waist and pulled me against him as he leaned back. I buried my head in his chest and mumbled my apology.
"I'm sorry. I've ruined the mood of our date."
"The great thing about certain things in life is that it can be revived," I looked up to see he was smiling. "The mood is one of them."
I smiled back and wrapped my arm around him, pressing as close to him as I could.
We sat in silence for a while. It wasn't comfortable, but it wasn't uncomfortable. It was just silence.
"Do you wanna...do you wanna try eating something?" Aidan finally asked.
My eyes turned on the food, and my heart began racing all over again for completely different reasons than the previous time.
"You don't have to," Aidan added. "I'm not going to shove it in your mouth, but...if you want to try..."
"I can...I can try."
"Yeah?"
I nodded and got off the couch to sit on the floor in my previous spot. I stared at the food, feeling movement beside me as Aidan sat next to me.
I picked up the container of rice and a spoon with a shaky hand. I scolded myself silently for actually being scared of food. I was being absolutely ridiculous.
I scooped up a spoonful of rice and held it up, but that was the most I could do. I stared at it, feeling my panic rise with every minute that passed.
Just put it in your mouth. It's not that hard. Do it. Just do it.
I took a deep breath and forced my hand to move. I placed the spoon in my mouth and chewed the flood slowly, trying to ignore the dreadful feeling going on in the pitt of my stomach.
I swallowed, and that's when that was felt wetness trail down my cheeks and realized I was crying.
Aidan silently took the container and spoon from my hands and set them aside before pulling me back into his embrace.
"It's okay," he ran a hand through my hair soothingly as my hysteria bubbled over. "It's fine. Don't worry about it."
"I'm sorry," I gasped through my sobs. "I'm sorry. I- I don't know what's wrong with me."
"There's nothing wrong with you, sweetheart," he said gently. "You just have some demons in your mind. They're running around and clouding your thoughts. We all have them, some more than others."
"I just had to have more," I said bitterly through my tears.
"You and me both."
I sniffed and rubbed my eyes.
"You're beautiful, Demi," he eventually said after another long bout of silence. "You really are."
"You don't need to say that to make me feel better about myself."
"I'm not saying it to make you feel better," he disputed. "That's what I think, and I'm not going to stop telling you you look that until it gets through your head. You. Are. Beautiful. You are beautiful today, you were beautiful yesterday, and you'll be beautiful tomorrow. Everyday, Cupcake. Everyday. Your beauty is constant. Nothing as trivial as food is change that."
I smiled as he wiped my tears, and I wished I could believe it. I really wanted to believe his words, and I wanted to believe I was beautiful.
But I just couldn't.
"You're not alone, Cupcake," Aidan promised. "It's you and me."
"Partners in crime," I giggled a little.
"Partners in crime," he agreed.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A/N: Sorry this is like four days late. I've been fighting a really bad cold and haven't had the energy to finish or edit it. My sincere apologies.
Everyone tell me what you thought about the chapter! I want to hear your opinions, and if you liked it make sure you vote.
Love you all sooo much!
xxx,
Jess