THE OCEAN WAVES crash in the distance, and roll onto the beach, covering my toes. I'm barefoot, walking home from the market, where I went to buy groceries for Mom. Once I get home, I'll get ready, and then leave for my date.
I still can't believe I'm going. I feel like such a cheater, such a bad person. There's no way Lexi can find out about this.
Walking into my house, I set the bags on the counter, then head to my room to get ready.
Hurrying so I won't be late, I throw on some nice clothes and gel my hair; I'm halfway through the door when I feel my phone buzzing in my back pocket.
Lexi. Oh man.
Of course, I'm excited to see her, to talk to her-I'll always be-and I miss her like crazy. But I can't let her know that I'm about to go on a date with another girl.
"Hey baby," I say into the phone.
All I get in response is sobs, and I stop in my tracks. She's crying. Lexi doesn't cry often. And where she is, it's probably really late-what is she doing awake?
"Lexi? What's wrong?"
"I n-need you. I w-want you here with m-me."
"Shh, Lex, it's okay. What's wrong? Did something happen at school?"
"N-no...school was g-great. But tonight I went to a p-party and-"
"You went to a party on your first day of school?"
"Yeah, I was f-feeling adventurous." Lexi gives a small laugh.
I sit down on my bed, needing to know why my girl is upset. "What happened, love?"
"I was walking h-home alone from the party, and a c-car pulled up to me and it was a b-boy a couple years older than us, and he s-said he'd been w-watching me and he w-wanted to give me a ride h-home. I was s-scared and tried to run but he chased me and c-caught me and t-told me he liked me and wants to
t-take m-me out. He s-scared me, Austin..."
I don't know what to say. A feeling of anger so strong washes over me that I have to shut my eyes to not become overwhelmed with emotions.
She's mine. Mine. Stay away from her. Don't hurt her. Don't touch her. Don't even talk to her or I swear I'll track you down if I have to...
"Austin?"
I breath deeply to try and calm myself down. "Listen, Lexi. I want you to protect yourself. Please stay safe, I'm not there to protect you anymore. I can't keep you safe, I'm on the other side of the world. Do whatever it takes to stay away from this guy."
I hear a shaky breath, and I know she's terrified. I just want her here with me. I want to hold her in my arms and kiss her and protect her and make sure everyone knows that she's mine and that they can't touch her.
"Okay. I'll try," Lexi whispers.
"You promise?"
"Of course."
"Thank you for telling me. I miss you. I have to go, I'm going out with friends."
I hate lying to her.
"Alright babe. I love you."
"I love you more."
Hanging up, I bury my face in my hands.
What. Am. I. Doing? I love her. I love Lexi. She's mine, and I belong with her. Maybe it's been a while since I talked to her, and saw her, and I forgot how much I cared for her, so I started to like Taylor. But now I'm realizing, Taylor's not mine. Sure, she's great and everything, but I'm supposed to be with Lexi. I want to be with Lexi. I still love her and miss her more than anything else on the planet. Compared to Lexi, Taylor is...nothing to me.
So why am I taking her to dinner?
I can't do this. I just can't. I feel like such a lying, two-faced cheater, full of guilt, and I internally apologize sincerely to Lexi. Because I can't let Taylor down. I have to go to this dinner, having already committed. So I try to put on my most convincing happy face, concealing all of the confusion, guilt, and regret that is taking place inside.
•••
She's dressed in a tight, light blue top and short yellow shorts, her blonde hair curled and swept over her shoulder, looking absolutely stunning. She waves at me from the sidewalk as she nears the bench I'm sitting on.
"Hey!" she exclaims, sitting next to me and giving me one of her big, sweet, sincere smiles...I love Taylor's smiles.
"Hey," I reply, grinning back.
"Sorry I'm late," Taylor apologizes. "I guess I lost track of time."
"It doesn't matter, there's a wait for tables anyway," I shrug.
"How long?"
"Hang on, I'll ask."
The employee at the door tells me that the wait is about an hour, but I'm starving.
Taylor shrugs. "We can go somewhere else if you want. I'm too hungry to wait."
I look out at the beach and have an idea, something that Lexi and I used to do all the time.
"Let's go get an American hamburger," I suggest.
Taylor's face lights up. "Oh my gosh, it's been so long since I've had a burger..."
•••
Jokingly, I stare at Taylor with intensity as she brings the hamburger to her lips, staring at it like it's gold. She notices me watching her and starts giggling.
"What are you staring at me for?" she laughs.
"I want to see you take your first bite. Hurry up...sometime today."
"Ha ha. Okay."
Taylor takes a bite and a look of great relief crosses her features. She closed her eyes as she chews, and unable to control myself, I burst out laughing.
She laughs, her mouth full, and covers her face with her hands. A few moments later, I reach out and remove them. Her eyes are watering.
"Are you actually crying?" I ask, and lose myself in laughter once more.
"I'm sorry!" she says sarcastically, smacking her hand down on the table and giggling again. "It's just been so long...and it tastes like home."
I nod, understanding her. I would become emotional about things too, if I had just moved across the world to a place so different from my home.
We spend the remainder of the dinner talking and laughing, and once we're finished, I cross to the door and hold it open for her, feeling the cool, fresh air on my skin.
"Thanks," Taylor says, rewarding me with one of her beautiful smiles.
I glance out at the ocean in the distance, and notice that there is hardly anyone on the beach.
"Let's go for a walk," I say.
•••
Feeling the sand beneath my feet, I kick off my shoes, and Taylor does the same.
"Taylor, have you ever been to Oklahoma?"
The question comes out of my mouth unexpectedly.
She looks at me questioningly. "Yes...my aunt happens to live there. Why?"
I shrug. "My...um...friend just moved there last week. What's it like?"
Our conversation progresses, and I realize that Taylor is really easy to talk to. I feel so comfortable with her, and talking with her is enjoyable. It's not awkward, or difficult, it's just...easy. Simple. And finally, I decide I want to know more about her and her family.
"So tell me about your family. Your parents, and your brother. What are they like?"
Taylor appears thoughtful. "Well, my brother is almost thirty, and he lives in Houston, Texas. He got married two years ago to a girl that he met in college."
"That's cool," I say.
"Yeah, she's really nice. And pretty. Her name is Sarah."
"What's your brother's name?"
"Zachary. But only my parents call him that. Everyone else calls him Zach."
"Do they have kids?"
"Not yet," Taylor replies. "But I don't think it will be long. I'm pretty sure they've been talking about it."
"So...what about your parents?"
I feel like I am interrogating her, but I'm not. I'm honestly curious, and I want to know more about her.
"My dad is really into music, and my brother is too. I guess I am also, but...I don't really know what I want to do yet. Zach is a music teacher at a middle school, and my dad is a doctor, but he also sings for our church a lot. Or he sang for our church a lot, since we're not there anymore...and my mom's an elementary school teacher. What about your mom? And siblings?"
I'm grateful that she doesn't ask about my dad again-that's always been a touchy subject for me.
"I don't have any siblings. And my mom's a teacher too...didn't our moms meet in college?"
"Oh, that's right. I forgot."
Taylor looks up at me and smiles. Then she playfully shoves me, making me stumble, but I don't fall. I shove her back lightly, and suddenly, before I'm aware of what's happening, I'm on my butt in the water, soaking my shorts. I don't know if I tripped, or if Taylor pushed me again, or what, but I know that I'm on the ground and we're both laughing hysterically.
"Wow," I say, making fun of myself. I stand and brush sand off my shorts, and begin to walk aside Taylor once more. "Thanks for that."
In the far-out distance, I see a cargo ship in the ocean.
"See that?" I ask, pointing in the direction of the vessel.
"See what?"
"That cargo ship out there."
"I don't see anything."
I grab her hand and use it to point outwards toward the ship, a guideline for her eyes.
"Oh," she says softly. "That's cool."
I expect myself to next drop Taylor's hand at her side. But I'm grinning to myself and having such a good time with her, I don't listen to my thoughts.
So I continue to grip her delicate hand gently, to encase her small one in my large one. We hold hands, walking in the sand, conversing sweetly and lightly until complete darkness falls over the Earth like a black curtain.