I dressed in all black.
His coffin was less than ten feet away from where I was standing.
His family was lined up, to see him one last time, and to tell him the things they didn't when he was still alive.
I sat in the back.
I didn't want to see him again. I didn't want to cry anymore. I was sick of being weak. Sick of trying.
When one of his family members suggested I went up and see him one last time, I refused. I began thinking, what if he was still with me, but he wasn't sick. If we just lived happily ever after, no worries.
But that can't be how it ends. It could never be how it ends. I can't live a good life anymore it seems.
My first boyfriend, the man who I said "I love you" to and actually meant it, has forgotten all about me, and I'll never see Matt again.
Maybe I should go up and say a couple words. I pondered for a while before his mother, walked up to me and requested I said something.
She told me I was his only friend.
So I did.
"Hello," I started off saying, thinking in my mind how I would put the rest of my words together. "My name is Katrina, and I have been through a lot the passed few months. First of all, my boyfriend awoke from his three year coma to not even remember me. But I stayed with him. I loved him and I couldn't leave him, he was clueless. Because only minutes after he woke up, I was informed he had amnesia. I thought my life was just going to go downhill from there. I mean, there was a plus to visiting him in his coma, I met Matt. I met him in the café, he was struggling to move around."
I went on and on about how amazing he was, and how I should've spent more time with him.
"I chose this boy who could barely remember my name let alone love me over the boy who actually cared about me. And I cared about him. I miss him, honesty. More than I miss my actual boyfriend. He left me, I don't know where he went and to be honest, I don't care. I'm here about Matt, and I'll never get back the moments we've had together. I'll never feel the same way with someone else."
And then I finished.
"He really was special. And I'm sorry for your loss."
I went home after that. I drove home in the pouring rain, finally breaking down when I reached the apartment I shared with Emma. The dreaded room I shared with him. I sit down on the bed I used to love. I hear Emma and Trevor laughing out in the living room. I remember when Troye and I used to laugh and be...normal.
It could never happen again. I will forever love him but he won't even remember me or the times we had.
I look put the window, watching the rain as it hit the glass.
I think. Maybe if I was a better person, he would've lived. Maybe if I gave more attention towards the man who gave me attention over the man who gave me none what-so-ever, he would've lived. But I didn't. Because I was stupid and spent years of my life caring about someone who didn't return the favor.
What if Troye did remember. Would I leave Matt? Never talk to him again, not even think twice about visiting him.
Maybe Troye not remembering me helped me realize he wasn't my true love.
Maybe Matt was my true love.