Chapter 17: Weep Little Lion Man, Weep
“Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head.”
-Little Lion Man, Cover by Tonight Alive, Originally by Mumford and Sons
Staring down at the suit my mother had bought me earlier this week- sent to me via UPS- on my messy bed for tonight’s banquette I couldn’t help but feel like it was taunting me. The expensive material cut foreshadowing an epic end to my reign at this camp. Well, if you could call my two weeks at this camp a ‘reign’. I just had this feeling that everything bad that could possibly happen will happen. It’s like the perfect recipe for the downward spiral of Skye Rodriguez, my male alter ego.
The two people, Carter and Piper, who loathe my very existence, now know my biggest secret. And if they planned on revealing my true identity to the world in the worst and most painful way possible, then tonight would be the ideal setting for that presentation, especially since the people I have come closest to will all be present at this banquette. Then again, maybe they were using a type of reverse psychology on me. You know maybe they were influencing these synthetic thoughts into my mind; forcing myself to enter a state of paranoia. Making me think that they will strike tonight when in reality they do it another day when I least expect it.
Yeah, that sounds idiotic even to my ears.
If this is some cliché ending story (because that is exactly what it is) then it is all going down tonight, and I am crapping my pants just thinking about it. But unlike most stories I am going to take my fate into my own hands. I am not going to be the moronic protagonist who ‘lets the chips fall’ into place and goes with the flow because of their sheer ignorance; I am going to be the first to tell Blaine and hope to the lord all mighty that he won’t kill me after I tell him the truth. I mean better to hear it from me than to hear from someone else right!
Power to the Austin!
“Okay, so there is a buffet that is calling our names and we do not plan on missing out on the free food. See you laters!” Jared said while turning the knob to the door with an eager Eli running behind him.
“What? But the thing doesn’t start for another like hour!” I said trying to loosen my tie that was practically suffocating me. I told my mom to get me a clip on, but no she had to get me a real one, she knows I hate tying these things.
“Yeah, but we need to be the first there so we can eat! We are growing boys Skye!” Eli said as he shut the door to the cabin.
Typical.
They would leave me here all alone with Blaine. Then again if I ever wanted the perfect moment to tell him, then I guess now would be the ideal time, right? Or maybe I just shouldn’t tell him, I mean he can find out tonight or later. How about never? I like the sound of him never finding out! Just let him live his life without knowing my biggest, possibly darkest secret! Jeez, why didn’t I think of this before? Stupid Austin! That is so much better than actually going through the stress of having to tell him, or having him know! This could definitely work. No! I need to tell him, I have to be the one that tells him.
“Skye can you help me with this?” Blaine asked taking me out of my crazy, ranting thoughts. He stood before me looking exceptionally dashing and adorable in his black slacks and white button up shirt trying to knot his royal blue tie around his neck.
As he stared down, focused on getting his tie on, I couldn’t help but steal a small smile while watching him. I would miss this. Swindling miniscule glances at him as he does things that only make my heart swell and love him even more. Not even that, but just being his friend in general. I know that after I tell him the truth, freak after I tell everyone the truth, nothing will ever be the same. They will change their views on me and I will change as a person.
Best case scenario, he will accept me. Understand my explanations after I force him to hear me out. He will open his arms lovingly to me and tell me that I was the same person even if I didn’t look like the same person physically. And if I get lucky he might even accept Austin as she is too. Who knows, I may not be single for much longer. But that was hopeful wishing, extremely hopeful.
Worst case scenario, he will hate me. Loathe me with such a hatred that he will never want to see my face again; I will be another Jonesy to him- even though I have no idea what Jonesy did to make him so angry at him, he never told me. He will put back up the walls he has mastered around himself keeping others out. A wall made out of diamonds that I somehow penetrated in my time at the camp. I could only hope for the best, when I know in reality I will definitely get the worst.
“Skye?” I quickly snapped my eyes to his as my thoughts ceased. He raised his eyebrows, “Tie?”
“Oh sure,” I blushed in embarrassment. I got up from the edge of the bed were I sat, dressed in a similar black suit with a royal blue button up shirt and white tie. Making my way to Blaine I couldn’t help but feel my stomach lurch in anxiety.
Looping his tie around I decided if I was going to do this, I needed to do it now. Like a band-aid, just rip it off and get it over with. It was what had to be done. It was the right thing to do.
“Blaine there is something-” I stopped as my gaze came up into his very brown eyes to see him looking intently at me as I knotted his tie. I couldn’t help but get lost in them. The way they glistened in the artificial light, the way they darkened a bit. His eyes began to become clouded over like he was in a trance. A trance I was sure reflected back into my own eyes. His eyes were like super glue and I was stuck. My previous resolve of telling him the truth was suddenly wiped clean from my hectic and panicky mind. It was like nothing in the world mattered anymore, it was just Blaine and I. Was this what it felt like to really love someone? Were all these emotions I was feeling ‘love’?
I don’t know if it was the heat of the moment or my overactive imagination, but I could have sworn that his tanned face clear of morning stubble was getting closer to my own. I could faintly feel his warm minty breathe closing into my face and fanning over my lips. I snapped my eyes to his lips for a millisecond, then back up to his clouded eyes, “Blaine-”
I was unable to finish my sentence as he crashed his lips down to mine.
What?!
WHOA! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! No! No. Hold on a second that was not part of the plan! This wasn’t supposed to happen! AUTHOR YOU ARE STRAYING AWAY FROM THE INITIAL SCRIPT! YOU REBEL! This was not supposed to happen! Oh lord all mighty I am so going to hell for this! I just know it!
Granted, I admit I liked where this unexpected twist was going as his lips moved possessively over my own, but this was…weird? It was sudden, oddly surprising, and amazing? I can’t even describe it. Scratch that I can describe it pretty well, but for now all you are going to get from my hormonal driven mind is, hot damn when did I die and get to heaven?
Before I knew what was happening, his hand wrapped around my neck and he forcibly opened my mouth apart with his and plunged his tongue into the depths of my mouth. His tongue leaving a trail of heat as it explored and tasted every inch of my mouth. He was battling with my tongue eliciting a startling moan from the back of my throat. This only fueled a territorial growl from his sinful mouth. God this is so wrong! I mean it isn’t technically wrong at all, but it is slightly depressing.
Here I was going to tell him my deep, dark secret and he has to distract me by kissing me senseless! He was ‘kissing the crap out of me’… that sounds kind of wrong- and disgusting. Anyway, I am trying to be the bigger person and be honest and he just goes and erases all coherent thoughts from my head with one kiss. Well it was a lot more than a kiss seeing as we are still going at it like starving children, but seriously the effect this boy has on me should be illegal. He should be in jail for forcibly making me want to jump his bones every time I saw him.
Taking control of my actions and emotions I move my hands that were still fastened to his tie and manage to push him off. Finally able to form lucid thoughts and breathe evenly, I look at his swollen, raw lips as he tried to catch his breath as well. My eyes couldn’t seem to stray from those lips that were on mine only seconds ago. Did he actually just kiss me? Someone he believes to be the same gender as him?
I mean hey I am all for same sex relationships, but this was just confusing. Did I accidently turn him gay? Was he gay the entire time? Because when he kissed me at the party he sure didn’t kiss me like he was. Wait can you kiss ‘gay’? Is that being discriminating? Wait; is he actually gay since I am a girl? Oh the questions that may never be answered!
“What… was… that?” I asked in slow disbelief my head still reeling from all the questions buzzing inside the confinements of my mind.
Blaine just stared at me blankly before grabbing his suit jacket roughly from his bed and booked it out of the cabin that seemed to have risen in temperature, leaving me there with no answer or explanation to what had just happened.
I slumped down to the floor, my legs wobbly and jelly-like unable to hold me up anymore, and put my head in my clammy hands. To say I was mad wasn’t entirely true, mad wasn’t an emotion I could claim at the moment seeing as I had no right to be angry at all. To say I was disappointed was more of an understatement than the truth. And to say a little piece of my heart broke at the moment he fled the cabin was the hurtful truth that I had to face tonight. And I knew deep down in the depths of mind that that was only the beginning of my heart break. As the night progressed there was definitely going to be more to come.
About two hours later Drew and Nikki came by the camp to pick me up and take me to the banquette, since my ride ran off without me. I was more than nervous to attend this stupid thing. Now not only was I paranoid about tweedle-dee and tweedle-dumb, but the awkwardness and tension between me and Blaine would be pretty intense. I mean, it is not every day that your best guy friend kisses you when he thinks you are a guy and you are actually a chick. Oh lord I need help, mental help. Lots of it.
Naturally, when my friends came by the camp entrance to pick me up, I told them about the whole thing. Every little detail I could remember besides the intensity of the kiss- Drew pleaded that I told her exactly how Blaines lips felt, but I refused.
“Dude that is just weird,” Nikki said as she pulled into the parking lot of Blossom Athletic Center, where the banquette was to take place.
“Tell me about it,” I replied sadly as I jumped out of her truck and slammed the door.
“Hey I know you are an emotional wreck right now, but do not slam my baby.” Nikki said as she patted her truck lovingly.
I rolled my eyes and headed to the buildings first set of glass double doors. Walking into Blossom gym never ceased to amaze me. The history of the North East Independent School District was just clad amazingly on the walls around every corner, and in the 30 foot wide glass case full of trophies, pictures, and other types of sports memorabilia. We took a left to a set of stairs that led to the floor of the massive gymnasium.
Finally after what seemed like hours we stepped on the padded floors of the athletic centers indoor court. Before us were rows of tables set for people to sit and eat. Drew quickly scurried off to the buffet while Nikki and I just rolled our eyes at her, but followed anyway.
On the way to the buffet table I was stopped. My heart jumped in anticipation only to see it was a worried looking Jared, “Have you seen Blaine?”
I shook my head sadly, “Nope.”
“But didn’t he bring you here?” he asked confused.
I hesitated, “He left without me, he was in a hurry and I told him to go on without me. My friends gave me a ride here.”
He shook his head in understanding, “Just tell me when he gets here, he is suppose to make a speech or something and coach is worried that he hasn’t seen him come in yet.”
I nodded my head and promised him that if I saw the ever elusive Blaine that I would notify him. Of course I doubt Blaine would so much as come near me. However, if I saw him in the distance that could work too I guess.
After grabbing a plate of the best barbeque in Texas, we sat at an empty table. Of course I couldn’t enjoy my brisket due to the feeling of impending doom and the paranoia that Blaine would just pop up out of nowhere and accuse me of something. I didn’t know exactly what he would accuse me of, but I just knew something bad would happen.
“Aus- I mean, Skye, what’s wrong?” Drew asked as she chewed down on some baked beans.
“Nothing,” I said when in reality everything was wrong. I didn’t make any further comments and just continued to play with the potato salad on my still full plate. Seriously this stuff is gross.
“Good evening players, families, and friends,” My head snapped up, away from my potatoes that now looked more like mashed potatoes rather than a salad, to see Coach Avery on the stage trying to get everyone’s attention, “I would like to thank all the players for a job well done last season and for making me extremely proud this past couple of weeks. Especially the scrimmage this past Monday…”
Coach was interrupted by a load booming of male football players making a series of grunted noises and ‘hell yeas’, pounding the tables with their fists and smacking the floor with their feet.
With a wide smile coach continued, “Yes it was one helluva game. Now I expect the same performance this Saturday when we take on the Madison Mavericks! Let’s maim them Mavericks!” I think that is considered animal cruelty.
There was another round of rapacious laughter and shouts as the coach came to the end of his opening speech, “Now before we continue the nights festivities, there is one player here tonight that I would like to recognize. And I will let the spirit squads co-captain Piper Allen do the honor of announcing who that special player is.”
Oh no Piper on stage? I already knew this was going to be an unforgettable night, but now I was sure it would come with my own personal torture.
“Drew, Nikki,” I whispered as Piper came onto the stage in her neon pink, skin tight short dress. She was just trying to attain the wrong kind of attention wasn’t she?
“Hey guys this is the girl I was talking about earlier, if something seems up we need to book it out of here, okay?”
They both sent me a thumbs up indicating that they got the message.
“Good evening everyone, tonight is not only a night to celebrate the start of the summer season and M&M Bowl, but it is also the night where I will graciously announce the player of the week award.”
“This particular athlete is new to the Brahma herd,” she stopped and winced, “that gave it away didn’t it?” she joked as people started to laugh at her clichéd joke.
“Anyway, this player has showed an enormous amount of school pride and has done more than prove that he is capable of achieving anything he puts his little mind to. Like say, possibly deception.”
Everyone looked at her with confusion and there was a low murmur of questions referring to her statement.
“Guys…” I tried to get my two best friends attention while my eyes wondered around the gym, but they seemed to be too engrossed with something unknown to me.
“Let’s take a trip down memory lane for this player shall we?” she asked sweetly as she pointed to someone in the back and moved off to the side of the stage. At that time a screen began to descend from the ceiling till it was just a little above the stage.
“Guys…” I tried once more to call to my friend’s attention.
Next thing I know I am staring at a photo of me from the beginning of sophomore year. My hair was straightened and styled for the occasion. I was wearing my burnt orange and navy powder puff uniform- a jersey shirt and football pants- while posing for the camera. Like one of those individual pictures that they take when you have your team pictures done. As the picture stared back at me, my whole world became still.
How did they get that?!
“Guys!” finally they turned their heads baffled at what was occurring before them. Already knowing that everything was headed downhill we tried to leave through the front doors before anything else could be said or shown, but to no avail.
Of course since luck is never on my side, I was hauled onto a set of broad shoulders and taken back forcibly to the last place I wanted to be. I tried with all my might to harm the person who was carrying me. Slapping their back, trying to kick their front, and bite them where ever my mouth could reach, but I failed miserably.
“Now, Austin why are you trying to leave? We are just getting to the good part.” Carter. I could recognize that annoying conniving voice anywhere. Gosh I should have known that it was Carter who was carrying me back to my own personal dooms day, that ass hole!
As we got closer to the crowd, I realized there was no use in fighting it anymore; I had a grasp on what was going to happen tonight. I knew that I would not be able to control the outcome of my fate. For once in my life I was helpless. I haven’t felt this helpless since the day I lost my father. Useless and stupid. I should have just told Blaine when I had the chance. I should have just told Jared and Eli when I had the chance. Freak that, I should have backed out of this when I had the chance, but I didn’t. And now I am paying for the consequences.
“I think everybody here knows our very own Skye Rodriguez, but what you guys don’t know is that this star running back has a very dirty little secret.” She screeched like nails crawling evilly against a chalk board.
I could feel Carter going up the stage stairs as his shoulder bone rammed into my stomach with every step he took. He was so doing that on purpose, the ass. He dropped me on the floor making a very obstreperous thud resound throughout the gymnasium. I rubbed my butt as I stood up. If I was going down, I was going to go down with some dignity, any dignity I could muster. Even if in the end everyone will hate me and I will most likely lose some of the greatest people I have learned to care for. I was going down with some of my pride still intact.
“Does anyone see a resemblance to the photo up here and our player of the week?” you could see some people look at the picture and myself with wide eyes. Some even nodded their heads in agreement with the bitch in heels.
“Skye has a twin sister! Everyone knows that, so you are wasting your time!” Bless his heart; Jared was always a really good friend. If anyone were to stay my friend it was him. Hopefully.
“Really? Then why aren’t there any medical records for him besides the physical that admits him into the camp?” she retorted. That shut him up, because there technically was no logical explanation for the fact that Skye Rodriguez only had one physical and seemed to have materialized from thin air.
“This, ladies and gentlemen, is because Skye and this girl, Austin, are the same person. Everyone meet Austin Skye Rodriguez Jr.” and with that, while I was distracted paralyzed by the crowd, she pulled off my wig- a little too forcefully- and let my now long chocolate brown locks cascade down my shoulders.
There was a collection of gasps and questions being asked around the gym. But those didn’t really matter that much to me. I looked around for the only reaction that would matter to me, but couldn’t seem to find him with the blinding lights darkening the crowd in front of me.
“Anyone can have long hair!” God Eli and Jared seriously need to stop. The fact that they were defending me even after I have been caught red handed just makes my heart swell. The guilt will eat me up forever now. They really were the best friends anyone could have and I am glad I was able to meet them.
“Not enough proof?” she snapped her fingers and Carter sauntered toward me and held my wrist behind my back with his hand, bruising them in the process.
Piper walked up to me, “Revenge sucks doesn’t it?” then she ripped the front of my shirt, unwrapped my medical wrap, and put my bra clad breast on display to roughly about 60 hormonal teenagers. Not only was I seriously depressed and angry, but now I was embarrassed too. I got startling shocked gasps from parents and some ratty cat calls from my fellow teammates.
Men.
I tried to get out of Carters steel grasp, but he just held my wrists tighter. I scanned the crowd once more for him. From the corner of my eye I saw the same brown eyes I fell in love with the minute I came to this god forsaken camp. I might have not known it then, but I knew it now. And now, was too late.
In those brown eyes, I could see all the times we laughed. All the times we fought. All the heart to hearts we had. All the good times, all the bad times, and all the times that were yet to come, but could never be met. All that time we spent where we grew on each other and our love for each other amplified. His love limited to that of a best friend and my love having the power to break my heart.
I could see the hurt and betrayal in his eyes. I could see the anger building up in those brown irises. I saw the results of my actions batter a man who has been worn down by years of hiding behind perfections mask making him suffer even more. Then as fast as lightning, they turned cold. He shut off any emotion that, in a man’s eyes, would be deemed weak. He turned on the heel of his dress shoes and stomped out of the gymnasium slamming the door with such force it literally broke the remains of my already fragile heart.
I had done it. I had betrayed my best friend. I betrayed the man that I loved. I tried again to release myself from Carters grip to run after him, to try and explain, to show his that I may have not been Skye but I still cared, but I failed to do that.
I finally broke; I was done. All these emotions that violated my mind and body were too much for me to take anymore. I fell to the floor of the stage on my knees, taking Carter by surprise, as he emancipated my bruised wrists. Right there in front of everyone I started to cry. It wasn’t a sobbing weep, but a silent shedding of tears.
Silent because I didn’t want them to think the big, bad Skye had finally broken down into the girl he truly was. I was silently grieving for my now broken heart. God, I haven’t cried since the day my father died, I have never felt this exposed and vulnerable since the day the man in white told me that he was supposedly in a better place now. Like that was supposed to make me feel any better about my dead dad.
I felt my weak body beginning to tremble and convulse with the emphatically silent sobs that begged to be set free. I felt a rough hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Carter standing there, with what seemed to be sympathy and guilt swirling through his hazel eyes. He had no room to suddenly gain a conscience and start to feel bad for the pain he has caused me; I didn’t need his pity or any pity for that matter. His pity and abrupt change of heart didn’t anger me though, what angered me was that all my worst fears came true. Everything I wished to god wouldn’t happen when I came out to them about my secret, did happen.
No, I wasn’t mad at Carter or even Piper, although she is still a cold hearted bitch I would like to beat the crap out of one of these days, I was only mad at myself because I was the only one to blame for my problems. I could have told Blaine earlier, but I didn’t try hard enough. I could have severed ties before like Nikki suggested, but I was too stubborn to listen to her advice. I could have never even set foot in this camp and lived my life normally, but I was to cowardice to not fall victim to the playful peer pressure of my friends.
Some may look back on this day and congratulate me for being this courageous girl who did what most girls couldn’t. I was the girl who entered a boy’s camp and showed them that she was just as good. A courageous girl that reached past the sky and taught people a lesson about how discriminating against ones gender was wrong. That there was no limit to what anybody could do and achieve as long as they had the right mindset. But there is someone out there who will call me an idiot. An idiot who preached a great lesson, but lost so much more that she gained.
I was a fool.
Not being able to handle anymore of the gawking and whispers, I yanked Carters hand from my shoulder and booked it to the backstage exit. To think, I had been so brave when I came here and now I was weeping as I ran out the door.
I continued to run through the parking lot past the cars and down the street, with only the image of Blaine’s cold eyes burning my every being. Those eyes burning me until I was only a shell of a girl running from the scrutiny of others.
♥P.A Zaragoza