Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord Russell
I stabbed myself in the finger with the needle so many times, I decided to award myself the Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord Purple Heart.
And, while I was at it, the Medal of Valor. And a coupon good for a free six-inch sandwich at Subway.
Good Lord, I'm losing my mind.
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Greg Walp
I admit, I made some mistakes. But I've also learned some very important lessons.
First, churros are not as universally adored as I originally thought.
Third, organizational skills are extremely important.
And B, never ever give life advice to a super-intelligent super-computer when you're baked.
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Lila
But you know who I felt sorry for? The people who hadn't done the hard but important work of personal growth. Because the end of the world would mean that people don't get reincarnated anymore. And all the imperfect souls would never reach Nirvana.
That's not going to happen to me. I met a Buddhist monk once — I'm pretty sure he was a Buddhist monk; he was old and Asian and wearing a really gross bath robe — and I spent an hour telling him about myself. And you know what this man of wisdom said to me?
He thought I was very self-evolved!
Then he asked me for a dollar. Which I gave him.
So I'm good to go.
As for the people who didn't care about their spirituality — the ones that were, like, too proud or stupid or lazy to sign up for Deepak Chopra's daily affirmation emails, or listen to the Kabbalah audiobook or even take advantage of a Groupon for a Shamanic Retreat — well, for them, I truly feel nothing but compassion.
And honestly, if they were as compassionate as me, they wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.
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Dottie & Wilbur
Dottie: I'm one quarter Italian.
Wilbur: You're what?! Geez, Louise! No wonder you liked The Olive Garden so much! My whole life is a lie!
Dottie: Is it really such a big deal?
Wilbur: [sighs] Well... least you're not Scottish.
Dottie: [pats him on the knee] That's right, sugar baby. I'm not.
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Kenny
I now know what it's like to be drunk. I also know what it's like to be temporarily blind. And what it's like to wake up on the floor in a puddle of my own vomit. Also, I'm eighty percent sure I peed myself at some point.
But I'll tell you this: drink enough Bulgarian Rakia and the thought of dying doesn't seem so bad.
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Stephanie
I had been on this sort of odyssey of self-discovery and sexual awakening. So when Tyler suggested that we have what I think eventually became an eleven-some — if you count the stray Rottweiler that wandered in at some point and started humping someone's leg — it seemed like the logical conclusion to my personal journey, losing myself in a sea of human flesh. I hoped I would learn what it was like to be one with humanity, assimilated into the sexual Borg.
But that's not what happened. What I really learned in this Eyes Wide Shut moment was this: you can be in a roomful of people and still be alone.
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Supreme Lord High Galactic Overlord Russell
I'm happy to say that the new uniform looks great!
I hope we never have cause to go to war again, but if we do we are going to be stylin'!
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Mirabel
I spent the night doing chores. Dusting, sweeping, folding laundry, tending my vegetable garden, composting, repairing the fence.
People thought I was crazy.
"Mirabel, don't be a martyr! It may be your last night on Earth and this is how you want to spend it?"
Yes. This that is how I wanted to spend it.
Because everyone else was thinking, "What if the world ends?"
But I was thinking, "What if it doesn't?"
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Dougal
By this time, it was very late. I was loopy and Kevin was at the end of his rope.
Flubber?
No!
The Hebrew Hammer?
No!
Dorkmaster General?
No!
Doctor Sauve?
No!
The Baby Formerly Known as Embryo?
No!
Ice Ice Baby?
No!
Baby Got Bacteria?
No!
Quickdraw McGraw?
No!
Chance Random, Private Eye?
No!
Enema Squirtbottom?
No! Christ, Dougal! This is hopeless! We're never gonna come up with a name!
What about... Angel?
Sounds great!
LOL!
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Lucas
It was very late when she appeared at my door.
She said, "I want to stay with you tonight. If that's OK."
I was surprised, to say the least. What about Tyler and the orgy?
"I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone." It was what Arwen had said to Aragorn in The Fellowship of The Ring. It gave me a lump in my throat every time I saw it in the theater, and then again watching the theatrical cut on Blu-Ray, and another time watching the director's cut on Blu-Ray, and then a final time watching the director's cut on Blu-Ray with commentary. But never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that anyone would say it to me!
Except maybe sarcastically. And nothing cuts deeper than sarcastic Tolkien.
In truth, our situation wasn't all that analogous to Aragorn and Arwen, but I got what she was going for and, for once in my life, I wasn't going to let pointless technicalities ruin the moment.
Long story short: with an hour to go before dawn, I lost my virginity! That's right, Stephanie and I had sex!
[thinks]
No, we made love.
[thinks]
No, we had sex.
But still, wow! It was unbelievable that this was really happening! All I could think was, "My God, it's full of stars!" And then I thought, "Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?" And then "Open the pod bay doors, Hal!" And then my mind started to free associate Kubrick films. "Seven-six-two millimeter. Full metal jacket." "Choke yourself!" "Danny isn't here, Mrs. Torrance." "I was cured, all right!"
When it was over, I held Stephanie in my arms.
And together, we waited for the next fifty-nine minutes to see what the new day would bring.