Hey guys! An update as promised! I'm sorry for not updating for so long. I'm still passing some requirements and next week is my final exam, so please bear with me. And please do continue to support my story! Don't forget to vote and leave comments. It inspires me so much! Enjoy this one!
P.S
Sorry in advance for the wrong spelling and grammars.
-A
Cara's POV
"It's you Ken. I'm deeply, madly and crazy inlove with you." I almost felt my heart stopped beating right after confessing to her, the secret that i've been keeping for the longest time.
I turn my gaze up at the sky above us, as I decided to just tell her everything. But I also reminded myself to accept the consequences of what i'm about to do.
This is it Cara. You're free. Let it all out once and for all and just accept everything that might happened after.
I sighed heavily before voicing out my feelings. "Honestly, there's so much I wanted to say to you but I can't even find the words. How do you explain to someone that you're completely head over heels with them, when they don't have absolutely no idea?" I said and asked at her but it turned out more of like, I was pathetically asking myself.
I felt her shift in her position and I can definitely tell that she's now looking at me. I almost felt my breath hitched for a moment, when I felt her staring at me intently , But I still manage to open my mouth again and continue my long awaited speech.
"To tell you the truth, I don't even know when did all of this started. All I know is, I woke up one day with a huge smile on my face and my heart is beating so fast, as if I just finished climbing a 10 storey bulding. Just then I realized, all of that is happening to me, because the night before, you were in my dreams. It's all because of you Kendall. You're all that I can think off from that day forward." I told her, as I reminisce the first time I had felt those butterflies in my stomach.
I turned my gaze back at her and tried to look for any violent reaction or anything, so I can atleast save myself from digging a more deeper hole that can affect our friendship, but then there was nothing. She's just looking at me with nothing. Her eyes is just plain and doesn't even show any kind of emotion.
Just finish it Cara. You're already in that point in your life where you've risked everything, so why not just enjoy the moment and express all of the feelings you've been trying to hide for so long. My brain motivated me and made me realize that there is no point of going back now.
It's either we make it or break it.
"I swear to God Ken, I tried to stop all of this. I tried to just don't mind it, thinking that in time it will all fade away. I tried to divert my attention and date every person who likes me. Hell! I even dated someone I've just met for a day, just to forget all of this mixed up feelings i'm having, But life is just not that easy for me. " I stopped for a moment, to just try to breath and relaxed before continuing again.
"Everytime I closed my eyes to avert my attention and try to think of someone else, your face appears and its all I could see. Every time I tried to convince myself to just let all of this go, I'll find another reason to just keep holding on. Every single time I tried to stop myself from loving you, that's when I keep falling deeper and deeper Kendall. And then I realized, you can never force someone to love you and also, you can never force yourself, not to love them. Especially when they are as amazing as the girl who stole my heart." I finished with a smile, as I released all the nervousness and tension that I didn't know I was holding back while talking.
I turn my eyes to meet her brown ones and my heart immediately shattered when I saw liquids forming beneath them.
That instant moment, I wanted to hug her tight and tell her how sorry I am for just telling her all of these now. But there is something inside me that popped out and made me hesitated.
REJECTION.
What if she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore?
What if she despise me?
What if this is going to be the end?
I guess It's true, the moment that you have finished doing something, that's the only time you'll get to realize, how much afraid of the outcome , you really are. All the bravery I had awhile ago was now gone and my heart started to feel pained, even if she haven't rejected me. YET.
I was lost on my own thoughts, but I was immediately pulled out of it, when I heard someone sobbing.
Oh Fuck! She's crying!
I gathered all the confidence I have left, as I cupped her cheeks to wipe the tears away. "I'm sorry Kendall." I apologized and I can't help myself but to hug her, this time I don't care if she'll push me away.
I just can't stand seeing her like this, its breaking me even more.
"I'm sorry that I had to tell you all of this. I didn't do this to ruin you and Harry. I know that you're with him and I'm happy for you Ken, I swear to God I really am. I didn't do this to get in between the two of you, I just can't keep lying to myself and to you anymore. And if I won't let this all out?I'm going to end up being crazy. I'm sorry for ruining and messing up our friendship Ken. I'm sorry for making tears run down your beautiful face, you don't deserve this. I'm sorry for everything that is happening Kendall." I paused for a second to look at my bestfriend. She's still sobbing and I can feel the crook of my neck getting wet.
I sighed a little, as I caress her back and try to comfort her, before continuing to speak again.
"But I'm not sorry for loving you. I won't do that. I won't apologize for something that made me the happiest. I won't apologize for something that made me experience things, that I never thought I could have before. Loving you have taught me how to be happy, sad, mad, giddy, sweet, excited and many more. You made me know myself better. Those are some of the many reasons, why I will never apologize for falling inlove with you. " I stopped for a moment when I felt her head tilting up to look at me.
I turn my gaze to meet hers. And I swear my heart melted when I did.
The eyes that I loved the most.
"Falling inlove with you, was the best thing that ever happened to me." I finished, as I let a tear of relief escape my eyes.
Finally! Fucking finally! You've grown some fucking balls now Cara! You're free! I can live in peace! That part of my brain who always contradict and challenge me, butted in.
A minute of silence had sorrounded us. Only the loud music coming from the ballroom and the beats of our heart dancing with it, are the sounds that you can hear.
We are just staring at each other. Not minding the things arround us as if they don't even exist. I felt her body calm and she stopped crying. Her brown orbs meeting my blue ones as we look further into each others soul. We are like in a staring contest, the one who looks away first, will lose. Except that I know for a fact, that even if she'd be the one to look away first, in the end it's always gonna be me that's going to lose.
She's with him. I reminded myself, to not keep my hopes up.
Im looking at her with all the love I have for her. To show her how I much I really love her and she's looking back at me, as if she knows what i'm trying to do and she's glad about it.
But then fairytales must come to an end, her features began to change. A sad expression has appeared on her face. She's now looking at me like this is going to be the last time that she will and it made my heart start to pump out of my chest.
This is bad.
"I don't know what to say." She said as she let go of me.
I can feel my heart aching and I'm starting to get really nervous.
I would accept everything. If this is going to be the end, then I would gladly accept it. Atleast I did what I was supposed to do and won't regret anything.
"I don't know what to say Cara. I'm sorry." She said in a frustrated manner, as she look up at the sky to prevent the tears from falling in her eyes, but she failed.
She was crying again.
"Kendall..Like what I've said, i'm not expecting anything in return okay? I just want to be honest. I know that you're with him, Kendall. I won't ruin you and your boyfriend's relationship. I'm not that kind of a person. I want you to be happy and I know that you are, when you're with him." I honestly told her, as I tried to wipe the tears from her face.
Enough love. You've cried a lot tonight. Please stop. I whispered to myself as I too, felt tears are starting to build in my eyes.
"I'm not." She suddenly said that made me curious. I looked at her for a moment with my eyebrows furrowed, as if asking what she's talking about. Kendall getting the hint began to talk again.
She sighed so deep before saying, "I'm not happy with him."
For a moment, all the fears and doubts that I have , left my body. I felt like hope has risen within me again, but being a person with so much experience in getting their hopes high then being disappointed in the end, I immediately sway those thoughts away.
She's just confused! This is what I'm trying to avoid. I don't want her getting all tense about the things that I had confessed. I don't want to make it difficult for her. I don't want her to say things out of frustration.
"Don't say that Kendall. This is one of the reasons why I don't want to tell you all of this. I don't want you to tell me things out of pity. I don't want you to tell me things, just to make me feel okay. I'm not expecting anything in return Ken. You don't have to say, things you didn't mean." I told her in a calm and sincere way. I wanted to let her know that I'm fine and that everything is okay between us.
"I'm not saying this out of guilt nor pity, Cara. I'm telling you the truth. I'm not happy with him." She answered back and she even turn her gaze down back at me.
Upon seeing those eyes of hers, I instantly saw the truthness in them.
She isn't lying. I thought to myself.
But just before my hope and happiness starts to build up inside me again, she said something that totally made me lose it right away.
"But I can't break up with him." She continued and I swear I heard the fear and hurt in her voice.
All the pain I'm having faded away. I knew it from the start, that she won't break up with him. But there is something in the way she said it, that made me feel like she's confuse and afraid of something.
Maybe she needed some time to think.
I tried my best to surface a smile. I'm breaking inside but for her and her happiness, I will try to be okay. I don't wanna see her struggling because of me. I am not that selfish. I love her with all my heart and I want what's best for her.
"I know Kendall, I'm not asking you to. I'm happy for you, I swear, I do. But if you're not happy with him, break up with him because of that and not because of me. Please don't think that I'm trying to make you feel guilty or something. Ken, I just wanted to be honest with you. That's all." I told her honestly, as I took a hold of her hand.
I saw tears running down her face again and I immediately wipe them away.
"Please stop crying love." I said to her as I wipe the liquids with my thumb.
She cried even more and throw herself at me, which really caught me off guarded.
"I don't know what to do. I can't break up with him but I can't lose you either, Cara." She exclaimed in between her sobs.
I tightly engulfed my hands around her, to make her feel secure and to tell that I will never, ever leave her.
"You know that, that will never happen Kenny. You won't lose me. I'm still your bestfriend. Both of us just needed time to cool things off." I said to her, as I caress her back to comfort her and try to stop her from crying, but sadly she did not. She still continued and even started to sob harder.
"What do you mean?" She asked at me and I can hear confusion in her voice.
I'm sorry Ken. This is hard for me too but we need this.
"We need space Ken. I'm going back to London the day after tomorrow. We both need this. We need time off each other. For you to take everything in and think of things between you and him, without my presence or without you considering me. Please do it for your own happiness and not for me. And besides, I also need time to just relax, and think things through. I hope you understand love. I can't stay here right now." I said to her but in the end of my sentence, it turned out like I'm already pleading for her to understand.
I just can't stay here right now. To be honest I'm in pain and I can't pretend that everything is okay. I need to cool down a bit. I can't easily set aside my feelings for her and be her bestfriend, like none of this happened. There would always be a chance of getting in an awkward situation that will probably hurt us even more.
"Please don't leave me."
I can't help but to smile upon hearing what she said.
Atleast she still wanted me to stay.
"That's the last thing that I'll ever do. Leave you. I'm not that stupid. I won't leave my crazy bestfriend alone. You're stuck with me forever Ken, whether you like it or not. We just need time off, Ken. That's far too different from leaving."
"It's the same Car. You're going back home." She said and I can hear the sadness in her voice.
"You're wrong. This is home Kendall. With you, I'm home. Going back to London is more of like, taking a vacation." I answered and smiled at her, to ease the tension she's feeling even just for a little.
I don't want us to separate in a bad way. Not after having that huge fight earlier.
"But what if-" she's going to argue again but I butted in, to cut her off.
I back off a little from the hug, as I cupped both of her, now reddening cheeks and turn her head to face me.
"I won't leave you Kendall. I promise. Stop saying that I will, because I won't. Unless you'll ask me to, but even if you do, I'll just take a rest until all the pain vanishes and then I'll come back again to disturb my crazy Kenny. " I said and gave her the sweetest smile that I could ever give.
I saw her cheeks flushing and that smile that made me fall so deep for her.
My favorite.
Kendall looked at me in the eye, as she raised her pinky and said, "Promise me, Cara."
I smiled at her before I intertwined our fingers together. "I promise Ken."
----------------------------------------------------
After minutes of silence. We were now just standing and looking at the view infront of us. I felt our body both relaxing, as time passes by.
"Can we atleast skype?" She asked and I can't help but to playfully roll my eyes on her.
"Nope. I told you, you need to think things without me. Okay?" I answered.
I heard her sigh, but nodded her head in agreement none the less.
"So this is it?" She softly asked me and I can recognize a hint of nervousness in it.
I turn my head to look at her and I found her playing with her fingers.
" Don't say that. This is not the end Ken. We both just need this. I'll come home Ken, as soon as I can be your crazy Cara again." I said sincerely at her.
She smiled at my answer, then she lunge herself at me again.
I'll miss the warm of your hugs.
"I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for causing you pain. I'm sorry Cara. I'm sorry because of me, we're separating again. I'm sorry for causing all of this. " She apologized and I can hear her voice cracking, indicating that she's beginning to cry again.
"Hush love. I don't want you to blame yourself. This is not your fault okay? Its nobody's fault. We can never teach our hearts who to love. So please stop blaming yourself. I don't want us to end this night with you crying and being mad at yourself." I said to her as I tried to calm her down.
"Understand Kenny?" I asked at her, when she didn't respon and this time she nodded her head then said, "I'm going to miss you."
I separated from the hug, as I knew that this is now the right time to go.
I looked at her for a while, as I take the chance to take this moment in.
I'm gonna miss everything about you. Your brown expressive eyes, that 'I can light up your world' smile of yours, that cute pointy nose that I love to pinch. I'm gonna miss your scent, the smell of you hair. I'm gonna miss your voice and the sound of your laugh. I'm gonna miss you so much. I'm gonna miss everything about you.
I released a huge amount of breath, before leaning in forward to plant a soft kiss on her temple.
"You just don't know how much I'm going to miss you." I whispered as I felt a tear escaped my eyes.
I can feel her closing her eyes, as we both take in this moment.
You need to go now Cara or another word from her asking you to stay, you'll end up eating your words again. My brain reminded me, that it was now time to go.
"Take good care of yourself love." I said to her, as I gave her one last hug. She reciprocated it and I can feel her heart beating so fast.
"Take good care of yourself too."
I nodded my head, as I separated from our hug. I smiled at her one last time before turning around and began to walk away.
As I reached the end, I turn to look at her again for the last time because I know that its going to be a long time before I get to see her beauty again.
I saw her waving her hands and smiling at me as tears runs down her face.
Be strong Cara. You both need this.
I smiled at her and waved too, as I tried to keep myself from running back at her.
Wanting this space doesn't mean that I don't love you. I just wanted to distant myself because I know that, I still can't have you.
I turned on my back again and as soon as I did, all the tears that I'm trying to hold on to, drip down my face like a waterfalls.
----------------------------------------------------
That's it! I hope you enjoyed! Please vote and comment! Thank you guys for everything! I'll update as soon as I can. Love lots!
#MissingCaKesomuch 😭