This is it.
It's gonna be one longass story so please prepare any nacho chips or whatever you can munch on while reading this.
What is that something bad which recently happened?
Man, this is hard. I'll say it out anyway.
I was sexually assaulted.
Of course I'm not beginning my life story by saying... Oh and this was the day I was 'raped'
I'll go in order.
From when I was little till who i am today.
Yes it's super uber long but take this as my present for finally reaching the one year mark on being a Wattpad author. To those who tag me, instead of stating facts and answering your qns, I'm trading all those with my life story.
Please do not pity me. That's not my purpose of telling you my life story. I share because if I can bring something positive out of the negativity in my life. I hope my life story will be able to help others as well.
It won't be easy but hey, the things I'm sharing is from my past. Hope you guys don't mind reading all the way till the end.
Youtubers do draw my life.
Well I say authors do write my life.
To not make this boring, I'll include pictures every now and then like a blog. I'll try to not make it sound depressing. In every story, a character will have a backstory.
Welcome to my backstory.
Once upon a time, a chubby baby named Attika was born in the year 1993, September 15 who lived in an island or in other words the little red dot AKA Singapore.
Look at that ball of fat and her mama rocking her high waist jeans and bob haircut. 90s era rocks!
She looks like any other ordinary girl, doesn't she? A girl who you see and think she has the perfect life with her family by her side, smiling genuinely everyday as though life treated her well, very well. That's where you're wrong. Her life is the total opposite. At a young tender age of 9, her parents split. Obviously, before a divorce happens, her parents constantly argued non-stop and all this little one could do was go to her room and cry.
She didn't understand why, why is her parents constantly quarreling. When will it ever stop? The shouting, beating, violence, tears. Deep down she ask herself, doesn't her parents care the least bit about her feelings? Can't they stop quarreling knowing well that they have a little girl who is yearning for their love? Or at least stop arguing and think of her little girl for once, how afraid she felt, how much she cried herself to sleep till the point her tears are her lullaby.
Mama, papa.. Please stop. Please stop and try to be happy with each other again. Please think of your kids. Please do not separate. That's what she'll tell herself but sadly it didn't come true. Her parents filed for a divorce anyway and she was put under her mother's custody.
How do you imagine a life of a 10-year old to be? Carefree, rainbows & sunshine, full of joy. For this little girl, she was exposed to too many mature things she shouldn't have. One time, her dad visited their house to have a talk with her mum. She was happy to see her dad after so long. Unfortunately, that talk led to an argument which then turn violent.
Her dad pushed her mum into the ground but before she fell flat to the floor, she was hit hard on the wooden table. Yet being the strong woman she is, she retaliated. She took a solid wooden stool, raised it high and hit her dad twice with full impact on his ligaments. The hit was so severe, she could hear her dad's bone crack while he kneel down in pain, struggling to get back up. The little girl's eyes widened and once again, she felt helpless. All she could do was cry. It hurt her even deeper seeing how her dad was limping back home. It broke her heart.
Plus, ever since the separation happened, she was no longer daddy's girl. Till this day, she can't even look at her father in the eye when they talk. As much as she yearned for things to be like how it used to, it was useless. It is what it is. All she could do was accept reality.
Just when she thought her life was stabilize, something else happened. This time round with her brothers. Her eldest brother was a gang leader and he has this habit of bringing his friends home and treating their house as though it's a cheap motel. Smoking, doing tattoos, drinking, being intimate with girls. His mum constantly reminded him to never do that yet he did it anyway. One day however her second brother got home earlier and noticed how the house was a wreck.
With so many unknown people treating this house like a hotel. Knowing that his mum dislikes this, her second brother shouted "All of you leave! Now!" What happened next was unexpected. Her eldest brother grabbed him by the collar and into the bedroom and started beating him up. He shut the door and before he does he warned "Don't anybody dare try to stop me, I'm gonna teach him a lesson" the bashing wasn't ordinary. It was so violent till it left bruises and bleeding. Again, all this little girl could do was cry. Instead of receiving comfort, she got scolded instead.
After everyone has left, her second brother scowled at her "Stop crying! That's the only thing you know what to do, huh? Why can't you do something? You clearly know mum hates it when his gang members are here, do something! Now stop crying!"
From that day forward, the little one told herself to never cry. She decided to go rouge. To be independent. Even up till today, she's a lone wolf. She told herself she would be strong. She wanted to protect the people she loves. She would be the happiest, most positive girl ever. She would bring smiles and cast her feelings aside no matter how much pain she had to bear. She didn't want to be weak. Not anymore.
It's true when they say 'The happiest people are the saddest' usually the happiest ones are those with a dark, murky past. The only way to bury it is to believe you're happy. Another line which goes 'you live a lie till eventually it becomes the truth'
Different phrases, same meaning.
At the age of 13, her mother remarried. She had mixed feelings about this cause she always have the perspective that a stepfather would be cruel, thanks to watching Cinderella cartoon on replay. He turned out to be alright. Her mum got pregnant and when the little angel was born and Attika held him for the first time, it was the best feeling ever. The innocence of a newborn baby, it just melts your heart. She treated him like one of her own. His presence in the family made her happy. For once, she felt genuinely happy.
Attika, she loves to swim. When she was little, her mother had to tolerate hours and hours before she would agree to leave the pool. Her comfort place is the beach or basically any place that has clear water and soothing wind, she'd pick that over anything. Reason why one of the places to travel on her bucket list is: Maldives or Malé in other words
Just look at how clear the sea is and oh god that soft sand, hut houses = Heaven on earth
Sadly in Singapore we aren't bless with clear blue sea but hey it's still alright if you manage to snap a good shot like the one above. Picture taken by a dear friend.
From this point forward, things would start to escalate. If you're prepared to read, do go on.
But before I do, let's take a break and let me show you some of my favorite food or dessert I can never say no to.
Drink wise? I can never say no to: Coconut drink, avocado milkshake, and lastly any smoothies that are berries/banana mixed.
Am I boring you so far? Hope not.
Now I'm switching to a first person pov
Let's enter high school shall we?
The years of adolescence.
This was when I met 6 other dorks. We are all born in the same year. I'm youngest according to birthday. The September baby. I'm usually with 2 of them. So the group was usually split on the ratio of 3:3:1
How did I fair in high school?
Pretty good I guess? I usually end up Top 10 in class. 7th position to be exact. It's either the students are lazier than me or I'm just plain lucky.
Amongst the 6 of them, there was one girl who has a special place in my heart and she was none other than my best friend.
What's so special about her?
I can truly be myself. The amount of laughter we share whenever we spend time together is never ending. The random mood change. We can laugh our asses off and turn serious the very next moment. The fact that she's a few months older and I barely listen to her yet she remained cool. In fact I acted more of the elder since I usually make sure she eats well and stay healthy. You know all the motherly stuff. We are both of similar stature. She's only slightly and I mean slightly taller. Both of us have a passion for music and much more.
Simply said, so long as I'm with her; I'm happy.
We did had an argument when we were 20 and for 2 years we separated. However, things took it's twist.
We were friends again on end of December 2015. Trust me that was the happiest memory of 2015. Even after 2 years and we finally met, it's as though things never changed. We reminiscence on how naive we were back in the old days. And we simply laugh it off.
It's true when they say: If it's meant to be, it will be.
One last positive topic before I move into the darker realms.
My passion for music and dance.
In high school, we were offered a side course. Out of 7, half picked sports while the other half picked singing. I chose singing. I was nervous since we need to go forward to sing personally to the teacher in charge.
When my turn was up, the entire room went silent. The teacher had her eyes locked on me with a stern expression on her face. My heart was beating so fast, am I doing bad? Being the shy one, I had my head down while walking back to my seat. My classmates complimented "Man, your voice..."
One time we had an exercise, the teacher placed her hand on my stomach and my goal is to push it outward while singing and she'll continue pushing it inward. This was to test our breathing. I was the last to go. She was tougher on me. I felt a little embarrassed.
When everyone has left, she looked at me and said "I was hard on you cause I know you got potential. Don't waste it"
The next lesson she chose me as main vocalist. As buoyant as I felt, I know being main vocalist simply proves that I need to work harder than everyone else. But it doesn't matter to me because I love singing with my entire heart. It didn't matter if I've to go home and sing the same song on repeat till my throat goes dry. Singing is my passion.
All of this is to prepare us for Teacher's Day performance. It went well and after we were done, there was extra time. Someone suggested that one person should sing solo. All eyes darted on me. I said "please no. I'm bad at performing solo" they were like come on, you have the best voice here. I kept rejecting till one of my classmates started to loudly cheer my name.
Attika. Attika. Attika.
Soon the whole room followed suit including my teachers. I was like damn.. I'm so touched. People recognize my talent. All these while I've been living under a rock. I realized something else. My singing was able to make them smile. And I couldn't feel more accomplished.
During 2015, on my birthday, I went to an audition. I went alone cause yes as I said earlier in this story, I'm a lone wolf. Usually by my own most of the time. They interviewed, gave me time to warm up before heading to the main room. I was shaking cause I never auditioned before. I was asked to sing one slow, one fast. Halfway through singing a ballad song, a man in his mid 30s stepped out from his office. He had a strict expression with his arms folded while observing me. I felt intimidated since he looked like someone important. I bowed after I was done and the man clapped while slowly approaching.
I still had no idea who he was. My jaw almost dropped when he finally introduced himself. "I'm the chief executive. It's an honor to meet you"
To hear such praises from someone of high calibre was enlightening. I half bowed and thanked him. Whatever he said next almost led me to tears. He said to never give up in my dreams. Even if my family don't support me on this, try to find a way to fulfill it. Don't ever give up. He said was this audition a gift for myself on my birthday? I answered yes. And whether this was my first audition. Again I agreed. He replied "Then make this your first and last audition" unfortunately, I couldn't, since I needed to invest money to start a singing career which sadly my family doesn't support so yeah here I am still stuck in singing at home every single day.
So yeah guess this is where I gained my creativity from. Since I used to composed songs, this is how I came up with the idea of putting together song titles to create a confession or basically anything.
It's time.
It's time to take a 360 degree turn and enter the darker parts of my life.
Earlier in this story, the little girl promised herself to never cry remember? Eventually I did. At the age of 15.
Five years of not crying.
I finally burst.
What happened?
My stepdad found out my mother was cheating on him. He came home drunk and he went on a rampage the moment he step foot in the house.
Wall mirrors crushed. Tables tossed. Furniture ripped apart.
Stop! Stop! What are you doing!
You cheated on me! How could you!
Was the words that echoed as the house was wrecked.
It was horrifying. Especially the fact that my stepfather used to be involved in gangsterism. What next?
He held up our dining chair made of authentic wood and aimed it at my mum. Thats where I budged in. I yelled "STOP!"
He retaliated, "Move! Or I'll hit you!"
"Then do it!"
We exchange furious glares. I didn't budge. It doesn't matter if I'm facing a gangster, you mess with my mother, I can be even worse than your nightmare. He raised it higher, the wooden chair was halfway down. If I were hit by it, my brain would crack and I would most probably suffer memory loss. My mum intervene. "Don't you dare hit her! She's not your daughter! If anything were to happen to her, you'd get into deep trouble"
Deep down I chant to myself: Do not cry. Do not cry. You promised. Do not cry.
I broke it.
How could they.. How could they act like this.
Knowing that they have a 3-year old little boy who witnessed everything and was crying, sobbing so badly yet they didn't even give a damn?
I broke into tears when I saw my baby brother standing at one corner with tears streaming down his cheeks, choking on his own tears. I took him out when things cooled down and made a call to the eldest of the group. I usually seek her advice since she's very honest with me.
I said to her: I'm sorry I don't mean to cry. I can't remember the last time I cried this badly. Tell me I'm not weak. Tell me I'm being a good daughter, a good sister.
She replied: Listen, what nonsense are you talking about? Even tho you're the youngest, you've always been the strongest. You are not weak. It's okay to cry. Cry it all out. Cry till there's no more tears left in you. But remember, wake up the next day like a warrior.
I headed back to our destroyed house. It happened so fast yet it was incredibly thrilling. One thing I'm glad: my mum and my little brother wasn't hurt.
Remember earlier in the story, the little lone wolf wanted to protect the ones she loves? Looks like she managed to.
It's okay if I were to one to be brutally hit by that wooden chair, so long as my family members are fine.
And indeed, I woke up the next day like a warrior.
Save the best for last?
Nope.
Save the worst for last.
What's worse than physical violence?
Sexual violence.
Sexual assault/harassment/abuse/rape
Yes. I'm a victim of that too.
Now you know why I never write smut in my stories?
Want to get a clearer picture?
Okay.
To begin. It was done by someone I know.
It's horrible to think the person who you think least would do such preposterous things to you is the one who actually does.
It was someone I know ever since I was 16.
Till this very day.
Which means to say it has been 7 years.
Let me try to process thoroughly before I let it all out.
Recently, he has been constantly bugging me to meet him. For months and months. He even said he tracked my iPhone. I don't understand why he would do that. I'm starting to think my ex boyfriend is turning into a desperate psychopath. I gave up and decided to give it a chance to meet him.
Deep down, hoping he's different.
Deep down, hoping he won't do all those ridiculous acts.
Deep down, hoping he won't rip my clothes apart.
Deep down, hoping he won't shove his dick down my throat
Deep down, hoping he won't even lay a finger on me
Deep down, hoping he won't rape me
Cause he has been continuously doing so ever since our break up. For that period of 4 years, he has been doing so. Each time I think good of him, he proved me wrong.
On Friday, 19/01/2016, my worst nightmare was placed right before my eyes. Again, he fooled me. He said to me we were never separated. That I have always belonged to him. I was like hell no, what are you talking about?
He started to touch me. With full force.
I managed to fight back. I failed. He was the dominant one. Things escalated quickly. He harshly pushed me down and the ground had a metal on it, my head landed harshly on the hard cold concrete while my back was bent and pressed against the metal plate. It hurt me yet he didn't care. He pinned me down, unzipped his pants and started banging me. And yes it cum directly on my vagina.
It was painful, my back was continuously hit on the metal plate. I was begging for him to stop, let me go. I cried. It won't work. He's succumb to his desires. Feeding his dick was all he wanted.
One thing I'm glad, that each time he did this, I had my pants on. I wouldn't want to lose my virginity to a dickhead like him. If i didn't had my pants on, I'll be pregnant with his child years ago.
I went home with a strained neck, bruised back and a sore body. Other times when he did to me, he even left marks/scars and whenever I look at it, I blame myself. I blame myself for letting him do this to me. I felt dirty. Like a worthless piece of shit.
4 years...
He is involved in even more illegal acts now. Drugs to be exact. He wanted to drag me into it, I immediately blocked his number.
I'm tired of giving him chances.
Guys.. I can never fully understand assholes like this. When we were together, I love him yet he cheated on me. He used me. Now that I'm no longer his, he still declare I am? By what? Treating me as his play toy?
How demeaning is that, huh.
The one who suffer is me yet everytime i blame it on myself. I blame myself to allow this to happen. I blame myself for being weak. I blame myself for letting those filthy hands near me. I blame everything on myself.
Whether you're male or female, sexual assault isn't funny. Some cases are even worse where your own blood relation does it to you. The victim doesn't want this to happen. The victim doesn't want to look in the mirror each time and only be reminded of the horrible vivid images which flashback into their mind or those marks/scars on their body. The victim is like any other ordinary human. When we look in the mirror, we want to see how beautiful we are, not those ugly marks or bite. We want to smile, not frown.
We don't want to wake up with a sore body every morning. At times it's so torturous that we are immobilized to our bed. That's what happened to me. I can barely move. I feel as though my bones are broken. Every ounce of me felt so excruciatingly painful I couldn't even comprehend my next move/thought.
I rely on painkillers to shut the pain. Sometimes I overdose on medicine just so I could feel drowsy, that I finally can have a good night sleep. I don't wish for the pain to sting me awake. I've been sleeping so much. Like a sloth, I'm pinned to my bed. As much as I want to write my stories, I couldn't even think straight.
For this book, as dirty as I want to make it to be, I know I can't. But I'll try. If I don't, I hope you guys understand why and respect my decision.
It's not as if I can't write smut, I chose not to.
Let me show you an example of what he did. Once, he ripped my clothes apart. He tossed it aside as he ferociously attempts to unbuckle my bra. He straddled me down to prevent me from escaping as his mouth made its way to my breast, circling his tongue and nipping it at the end while his free hand grope the other using his thumb to fondle my nipple. I was struggling to break free.
Next he started to unzip his pants and spring his erected dick, rubbing it in between my breast, not caring about the tears streaming down my cheeks. He harshly pushed me down if I ever try to escape. My neck strained, my body rigid. He repeated this step till eventually he cums. Thick white cum was all over my body. The peculiar stench causing me to puke. He then leaves me be as tho nothing happened. I feel disgusted. Dirty. Unchaste.
Did he care? No.
I hate him.
But then I told myself.
These kinda people?
They don't deserve to be hated either
Therefore I shall feel nothing.
Damn, I feel extra embarrassed now.
There's many more complications in my life. One was when I was taking my diploma. My mum didn't support the idea. I had to work and study at the same time to settle my fees. Work in the morning, study in the evening.
That was one of the most stressful year but even so, I managed to succeed with a business diploma. I passed with credit. If I did better, I would have gotten a distinction.
There's a lot of things my mama doesn't support. My studies, singing, dancing. She only wanted me to work. It's upsetting how unsupportive my family is.
Frankly, being a writer has never crossed my mind. I remember back then the reason why I started writing was because I was so into BTS. My first bts song was war of hormones and immediately I fell for the boy with lilac hair which I soon found out was V. Instantly he became my bias. Speaking of V, below is what happens when you are his bias.
You pose with your unkempt hair and I don't even know why I had my rainbow polka dot headband on. Err ignore that.
I'll stop here. I still have lots to say but I bet I've bore you enough with my pathetic life. A friend of mine said I should create a novel with my life and I replied: what for? My life is so full of problems and one after another I've to overcome them. People I love always leave me, there's no happy ending in my story. Nobody would want to read it.
To end this, let me try to be a wise owl and hopefully leave a couple of messages which will make an impact.
Firstly regarding sexual related stuff: If it's something forced, it's considered rape. When someone is willing to have sex with you, they do so out of their own accord. As long as force is exerted, that's rape/harassment/assault/abuse
Next regarding people: If you see someone who is smart and scores well all the time, in reality you'll never know what's happening behind the scenes. It may be because their parents add pressure to them.
If you see a good looking person, and deep down you say 'how I wish I look like them' well yknow what? Sometimes they wish to be ordinary. They may look confident from the outside but maybe they were once victim of sexual harassment.
If you spot someone who tends to carry something special with them all the time, do not make fun of it. It can be anything. A funny keychain, a bracelet, a bolster. Anything. It may because that certain thing has a huge significance to them.
What I'm tryna say is..
Everyone has something they hold on to which make them have a pinch of hope to carry on living. I find it beautiful how all of us are unique in our own way. Whatever that individual is clinging on to, do not take it away from them. Do not take anything away from anyone which made them feel special. Let them have it. No matter how unexplainable it is. Cause if everything is lost, like what I experienced, it's hard to get back up, very hard.
Like the famous Michael Jackson song Man in the Mirror. There's a line which goes 'If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change'
Couldn't agree more. If you want your surroundings to change, you start by looking at the one you look at everytime you face the mirror.
Yourself.
I've been living a lie all these while till I'm so positive it's the truth. Guess you can say I'm tired. If I've all the money in the world, I would wish to change my identity and live my life as a completely different persona.
There's a reader of mine who said: The reason why you're so happy all the time is because you don't wish to show how hurt you are. To me, you're always so cheerful I can't even figure out your unhappiness. You never fail to give me such great advice but I get it now. You don't wish for people to worry. That's why you're always so positive. Cause your wound is too deep, the only way to cover it up is with a smile and pretending the pain never existed.
Well.. She's right..
Err scratch that.
Anyway!
Thank you to those who actually read up to this point. I'll update my book soon. My brain has stopped functioning again so I shall end it here.
Maybe one day I'll follow my friend's advice and turn my life story into a book. Maybe.
Can't believe how much I've grown from 2012-2016. One thing for sure though, I'm still a tomboyish nerd up till today.
Don't you think sometimes life is a matter of pictures? And how many times puberty hits you? Hahaha okay ignore my dumb logic but yeah that's what I think at times.
It's March in a couple days time which means.. I'm officially an author for a year. Thank you thank you thank you all you wonderful gems. I love all of you so much especially those who has been showing me your undying support. You guys are amazeballs as always. Whichever part of the globe you are from, thank you from the deepest depths of my heart. Saranghae!
I'll update my books soon. I'm still at a state of recovery after the assault that happened a week ago. No worries, guess I'll get over it soon. Maybe I never will but I won't let that stop me from writing.
Sorry for my boring life story. Thank you once again for everything guys.
Don't run away, okay?
I'll make a stronger comeback :D
Stay Golden❤️