warning: this chapter needs to be rewritten. I'll work on it and as soon as I repost it, I'll let you know.
39.
●•Harry•●
May I say I like proving her wrong? And I like it a lot. It’s funny how she tries to deny she actually feels something, and I can’t help but feel full when she kisses me back. It’s even more fulfilling when I didn’t do anything but get close to her; she was the one to start the kiss.
I just feel like pulling away and screaming ‘ha’ and pointing at her face just like a kid does when it wins a bet; but instead, I just smiled and rested my hands on her cheeks, cupping her face gently until she pulled away herself and stared at the floor, half embarrassed and half angry.
“Oh, okay. Sorry, you totally proved me wrong. I must say you don’t like me,” I said, stepping away and looking at her while she still stared at her feet. “You love me,” I giggled, and she glared daggers at me as if that would make my sentence a lie. “What? You suck at lying.”
Instead of answering me, she simply turned her back at me and started walking away, roughly brushing her arm against her mouth, pretending that would be enough to get rid of the taste of my lips. I should probably be feeling offended, but everything she did, every single move she made trying to deny her feelings, could only amuse me. It was fun going after her. I would get tired, eventually, if she kept playing the hard to get, but right now it was nothing but amusing.
It wasn’t hard to reach her again, ‘cause she was really lazy, even while walking. One step of mine was equivalent to three of hers.
“Isn’t this nice? It’s like we’re hanging out after a really fun night, right? It’s almost as if we’re hooking up. I feel young again,” I teased, abruptly stopping my walking when Kirsten did the same, holding my elbow and pulling me to under a tree. Wasn’t the best hideout.
“Shut up, okay? Just please, shut the f–ck up!” she shook her head, running her fingers through her hair, hardly trying to think straight. “God! You’re impossible to deal with!”
I laughed, not really caring about how loud I was being so early in the morning.
“You’ve said that before. And I’m pretty sure it was a few minutes ago.”
“Well, probably because you are impossible to deal with!” I was still laughing when she roughly grabbed my face between her thumb and her other fingers, totally serious while staring into my eyes. Then she sighed. “Ugh! What the hell are you doing to me?” she asked more to herself than to me, and I didn’t dare to reply. She was really nervous; I just wasn’t sure if it was with me or with herself. Probably both. “You listen to me now, okay?” I nodded as a kid would do, kind of scared. “I’m asking you to stop with this sh–t, please. I have a boyfriend, and even if he’s a jackass, we have something, Styles. Something serious. He needs me and I have a story with him. I can’t and I won’t leave him, okay? This…” she pointed at both of us with the hand that wasn’t on my face. “… can’t keep going. Argh! Can’t believe I’m going to say it out loud, but…” she bit her lip and looked away for a while. When she looked back at me, her eyes were full of emotion and I felt my heart beating a bit faster. “… Even if I do… enjoy… your presence, and our kisses, I can’t let this go any further.”
“So you do like me,” I said, and my voice didn’t have a single tone of mocking. I was asking for a confirmation, I wasn’t teasing her anymore. She was being serious, she was about to admit she felt something towards me. And no matter how much I knew that deep inside – I’d always known, somehow –, I needed to hear it from her.
“I don’t know,” Kirsten said sincerely, and I breathed out. “I don’t… I don’t know what this weird thing I feel when you’re near is. Look, don’t get me wrong. I do appreciate that you’re starting to care about me, and I do appreciate how you try to be gentle with me even when I’m rude at you, but you need to stop. Styles, you’re going to ruin yourself. You like what you see, but you don’t know what’s under this. It won’t be fun to see whom I am inside. You’re not ready to handle me. Just enjoy your good life, don’t screw it because of me,” the last sentence left her mouth in nothing but a whisper, and she let go of my face, holding herself in her own arms as I learned to know it was a habit.
“What are you saying?” I asked, not really waiting for an answer. Instead, I pulled her by the arm until she was pressed against my chest. Totally against her will, I held her tightly, burying my face in her hair until she gave in and wrapped her arms around my waist. “Kirsten, I don’t care what you say, I already told you I am not leaving. I don’t know who you truly are, or what the hell happened to you that makes you so damn traumatized, but I don’t care! I’m not scared of ruining my life. Let me worry about that, okay? Just please, stop pushing me away. I’m in a way I won’t be able to think straight if you keep doing that; I can’t bear staying away from you, do you understand that? Do you know how it’s like not bearing the thought of staying away from someone?”
She sobbed silently, hugging my tighter against her. I could almost hear her breaking down in my arms. I could feel every single piece of her falling, and it scared me I might not know how to catch them. I needed to help her. I couldn’t remember in which moment we got to this, but she was opening up now and she was breaking.
“Go away, Harry,” she whispered, and for the first time I heard her say my actual name. It sounded as if she didn’t have enough strength to utter the words. “I’m already taken,” she sobbed again, but I knew she wasn’t sure about saying it. I could feel her heart begging me to contradict her and to say I was going to stay; and that’s what I was going to do.
“Give up, there’s not enough excuses to push me away. I’m already decided to stay with you.”
She pulled away, wiping away her tears with the sleeve of her jacket while she leaned on the tree, trying to keep her balance.
“Ugh, you don’t get it,” now she sounded annoyed again. How’s it possible that she changes her humor so damn fast? “Styles, I am not a princess from those fairytales where you can fix them. You. Can’t. Fix. Me! I’ve even taken someone’s life away,” Kirsten said, fighting the tears from falling again. What? What had she just said? My expression must’ve been really shocked, because she laughed humorlessly while looking at me. “Yeah, you heard right. I’ve already killed a person. Twice. You sure you still want to try to save the troubled girl? I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you.”
I shook my head, trying to push away the several dark scenes that showed up in my mind; many of them trying to fill my brain with awful pictures of Kirsten taking someone’s life away. She wasn’t serious.
“You don’t mean it, you just want to scare me. Let me tell you something, it’s not working. Already told you I am going nowhere,” I stated, trying to sound as sure as I could. Why did she want to push me away so much? She likes me!
“Styles, stop being stupid. I’m not making anything up. I have many ways of pushing you away; lying is not one of them. Truth is pretty much what you need to give up on me. I’m telling you, I’m worse than what you think. Whoever looks at me thinks I’m a whore, I’m rude, I’m pathetic. And it’s true. It’s actually worse than what they think; I’m dirtier than what they see. Go back to your perfect life and stop playing the hero here. You’re too grown for that.”
Ugh, she was getting to my nerves! I’m not playing anything, I’m not trying to save anyone; or maybe I am, but it’s not the way she thinks it is! I’m here trying to make both of us move on! My life is not perfect, I am broken as hell! Can’t she see it? Can’t she see I have this huge hole in my chest because I lost something I’ll never have again? Can’t she see I’m not fully happy, even when everything seems to be right? Dammit, Kirsten! I’m not a prince charming either! People want me to be, but I’m not! Argh!
Instead of yelling at her, I turned around, kicking some rock on the sidewalk and watching it crossing the street.
“See? That’s how your life will be if you keep trying something with me. Frustrating. Let’s say I am frustrating,” she said, the smile audible in her voice. Now she seemed to be having fun of my reaction. The f–ck? Why does she think it’s funny?
“Shut up, Kirsten,” I blurted out, getting close enough to her until our faces were inches apart. “You killed someone? Fine. I don’t care. You don’t want to leave Tyler? That’s fine too, I’ll be your lover. You’re frustrating? Perfectly okay, I’m frustrating too. You think I’m playing the prince charming? I’ll prove you wrong again. You think you know how my life is? I’ll show you it’s not what you think. Everyone has its damages, Kirsten. Yours might be deeper than mine, or maybe you’re just making a scene, but I don’t care. Here’s the thing: I mean it when I say I don’t care about what you say. I will still be here when you wake up tomorrow, and there’s nothing you can do to avoid it.”
Her amusement turned into anger again and she rolled her eyes, pushing me away, but before she could fully remove her hands from my chest, I grabbed her wrist and pulled her with me until our lips crashed together. I didn’t give her an option before I roughly grabbed her waist and kissed her just to prove her how much I meant every single word.
I was confused, a bit scared, maybe, frustrated, but still… In love. I’m in love! I won’t let her go if she tells me she’s planning to murder me. I am finally feeling again and I don’t care what she does, I’m not going to give up on this. She is what I want and I will have it. Not only because I’m a selfish bastard – which is true, I do want to make her mine because I need her –, but also because I want to understand her. I want to make her feel better. Is that a crime?
She says I can’t fix her, and whether this is true or not, it won’t stop me from getting to know her. I can’t fix her? Then let’s be damaged together. Whatever.
Kirsten kissed me back as roughly as I was kissing her; her hands gripping my hair like she couldn’t have enough, but also trying to hurt me a bit. She was still angry. I held her waist so hard I was afraid I was going to hurt her, but I couldn’t stop now.
She pulled me by the hair, forcing our heads to separate, and she breathed heavily, trying to catch her breath while her chest rose and fell quickly.
“I hope you enjoyed that,” she said, completely mad. “’Cause now it’s over. If you don’t want to stay away by yourself, I’ll force you to do it. Pay attention to this: I won’t let you get close to me. I warned you, you didn’t care. You saw me fragile once or twice, but now it’s enough! You want to break your heart? Whatever. I don’t f–cking care about your stupid decisions. I know I won’t break mine, nor my boyfriend’s. Your life is perfect and you have nothing to complain about! If you wanna ruin it, there are plenty ways of doing so. I don’t have to be your choice. Go get lost on drugs or whatever. I’m out!”
She turned around and started walking away, but I held her elbow, and she shrugged me off with no hesitation.
“Stay away!” she yelled at me. “Go play your stupid guitar and leave me alone. You’re now out of my life. You should’ve never gotten into it, at first place.”
The confidence in her words hurt me, but I didn’t allow myself to be taken by the pain she’d just caused me. I didn’t know what the hell had just happened on this sidewalk, or how we even got to argue the way we did, and maybe the sharp pain I was feeling in my heart should work as a warning for me to stay away, but I couldn’t take it that way. Gently or not – and it wasn’t even a bit gentle – she had admitted she felt something for me. She had admitted she was afraid of having her heart broken by me, and for that, she needed to feel something.
That’s it. That’s all I need to know: she feels something. It’s not impossible to get to her, and if it’s not impossible, I’ll make it. And even if it was, I’d do the impossible for her.
Kirsten doesn’t want to be mine? Fine. Scarlett will.
●•Author's Note•●
dedication goes to: @teenxger thank you so much! I'm so glad you're enjoying this as much as you are! Welcome to Damaged, love ahah
note: 1. SHE ADMITTED SHE 'ENJOYS' HIS COMPANY AND KISSES. LETS ALL DIE TOGETHER. 2. They argued. Sorry about that. But it was extremely necessary. PLUS, now you know something more about Kirs: she killed someone. What do you think of that? Any theories on why? Or how? Let me know. 3. You got to see a fragile side of Harry again. Maybe this is helping you to find out more about his past? And how people want him to be? Idk. I give you hints all the time.
Anyways. I can't tell you what will happen next, but no, Harry won't give up easily. So vote if you want to know what really happened to Kirsten. Each time we're getting closer to find out what happened to both of them in the past... :)
next update: Friday (August 9th)
Holy cow! you reached 360 votes on the previous chapter. Do you think you can do it again for early update? I bet you want to know what happens next. So c'mon, 360 votes for early update! Best comment gets a dedication! :)
Love you all, Dani xx