Chapter Twenty-Three
"His vitals are fine. You're sure he hasn't eaten anything?"
Lucifer's words barely registered as I sat in the chair back in the room I'd been given. Usually it would be Hades in here, checking my vitals and ensuring my health, but Arikos had politely asked him to let Lucifer check on me, because in his eyes, Lucifer was much nicer than Hades. While that may be true, I knew Lucifer was simply taking on a professional face. He honestly didn't care what happened to me. He probably just wanted me out of his palace, which I would endeavor to do so...
Once I got over the fact that I was trapped here with nowhere to go.
The realization over the fact that I could never leave this plane of existence felt like the final blow. I suddenly felt like everything had been sucked out of me. I felt weak and tired. I did nothing, but sleep, and when I wasn't sleeping, I was staring at the ceiling, trying to gain enough strength to get up and leave, but I couldn't. The world suddenly seemed so much darker and colder.
When I had refused the pills and given up on eating, Arikos had panicked and called Lucifer in to check on me, but he wasn't going to find anything.
"He hasn't touched any of the meals I brought to him," Arikos explained worriedly, and I felt like a bastard for making him fret when he really didn't need to, but it felt like it was impossible to move, everything felt so heavy. I didn't understand the point of moving. I didn't understand the point of anything anymore. I just felt drained.
"Has he said anything to you?" Lucifer asked, turning away from the bed to look at Arikos, who sat on the bed by my side, his hand on my knee. He did that because he thought it would help, and while it was nice to know he hadn't left me, I felt like a prick for not letting him go do his own thing. The longer I laid here like a useless pile of crap, the longer Arikos had to abandon his own life. I hated that he did it, wished he'd stop, but there was a deep selfish part of me that was happy he stayed there and talked to me.
And he talked to me about everything. He talked about his coffee shop, all his favorite kinds of coffee, about his co-workers. I knew all their names now; Terrance, Regina, Aadip, Xina, and his employer, Aaron. I knew all of their hobbies and their favorite hang-outs. I even knew about Regina's secret crush on Aaron.
He told me about how Hannibal helped him get his apartment, how it'd taken a while to convince the landlord he was legit. He told me about his favorite neighbor, Rasheed, a male fae who enjoyed having cocktail parties, despite his crummy apartment below Arikos's. He told me about Martha, the two-hundred-year-old gunslinging vampire who lived on the corner and passed out flyers for her favorite strip club, so she could get in free for advertising.
And he told me about the years he spent in Atlantis, when he had given up all hope of ever being freed, of ever finding a real person who cared about him, of ever having a real family, a real life. He told me about the times when life wasn't as bad, when he'd be left alone to go about his own devices, and he'd wander to one of the gods' homes, the gods who didn't hurt him. Generally, that would be Atlia or Lea, on occasion, he'd run into Atlantean sea nymphs and play games with them.
"No," Arikos answered Lucifer's earlier question, "He won't say anything. I mean, he was fine when he first woke up... Or, uh, as fine as he could be. I left him for one second and when I came back, he just asked about his clothes and suddenly stopped talking. He didn't eat. When I asked if he was alright, he just laid down on the sofa and stared at the floor." Lucifer narrowed his eyes.
"He asked about his robes?" He asked. Arikos nodded. Lucifer glanced at me, then looked around the room.
"St. John, get Hades and come here. Now." His command was definitely not as relaxed and calm as it had been earlier. Now he sounded angry. I wasn't entirely sure why. Maybe he knew about the jewelry and was infuriated I'd sullied it or something. I felt the air stir and buzz with electric power and a second later, St. John and Hades appeared in the room.
Neither of them appeared to be pleased, and judging by the huge steps they took away from each other, they really did not like each other. Lucifer ignored it and turned to St. John, who gave him a bored stare as he dusted off his long white vest, then folded his arms over his chest.
"Menoetius's clothes and jewelry. Do you still have it?" He asked. St. John's face became eerily placid as he stared at Lucifer blankly.
"You'll have to forgive me if I don't feel like giving any of it back."
"He won't be getting any of it back," Lucifer assured, "But was that all that was found with his things? The clothes and jewelry." St. John's pink eyes flashed, and now clear irritation ceased his brow and made his lip curl back in repugnance.
"Don't mock me, Lucifer. You know better. You know everything that was recovered from him," he responded. Fed up with not getting an answer, Lucifer turned to Hades, who raised an eyebrow.
"Is this about my spell? I destroyed it, FYI. And this time, for real. The last thing I need is Zeus getting his hands on something else that could bring about the end of the universe," he explained, and his words made my world collapse even further. Now it really was lost for good. I don't know what made me think I could just steal it back from them. They wouldn't let that fall into the wrong hands ever again. It was a safe guard, and it was meant to save everyone.
Everyone, except me.
"Wait, the spell," Arikos said, confused, "The spell to kill a god?" Hades gave him a droll stare.
"Yes." Lucifer turned to me sternly.
"You brought that spell into my palace after spending over a month with Atlan," he stated. I didn't need to analyze what he said to understand what he meant. He was suggesting I'd brought the spell with me with the intent to use it on one of them. The idea was ludicrous, but I couldn't defend myself, didn't want to defend myself. I just gave him a flat stare, because it was really all I could manage.
"He didn't bring it for you," Arikos suddenly exclaimed angrily, pushing off the bed and Lucifer cut him a glare, "He didn't! Jeez, you gods have big heads. He brought it for himself." Hades snorted.
"That's stupid. He couldn't have used the spell on himself without destroying the entire universe."
"He probably thought it was the only way he could," Arikos caught himself before he said the word "die", then cleared his throat, "Atlan probably offered it to him if he joined his side. I'll bet you Menoetius found it in the spell book he used to save Akin and kept it for later, so he could use it on himself. Gods, I can't believe after he saved your son that you'd think for a second he'd try and kill you or Hades!" Lucifer frowned at him.
"It's a perfectly logical conclusion. What better way to tip the scales in this war than to kill one of the most powerful gods in existence? He's gunned for Hades before. It wouldn't surprise me if he'd do it again and I'd sooner have the Titan killed than have Hades harmed by that madman," he said defensively. Arikos looked like he was struggling to find words to express Lucifer's stupidity. Hades, on the other hand, had an easy time of it. Like he always did.
"Well, both of those reasons are dumb," Hades deadpanned, putting his hands on his hips, "The spell wouldn't have worked on Menoetius anyway. And also, Lucifer, shut up. I would've sensed an assassination plot two realms away. In case you've forgotten, my life is threatened on a daily basis." Lucifer appeared highly disturbed by that, and it only made Hades roll his eyes.
Meanwhile, I felt less and less like wanting to move. I felt heavier and heavier.
So in the end, Atlan had lied to me as well. It wouldn't have saved me. He would've watched me try and fail, then kept me with him for eternity, talking about all kinds of bullshit about loving me and how much he appreciated me and how great I was. There was never anything in it for me if I had joined Atlan, just like there was nothing in it for me now that I had chosen Hannibal over him.
I was trapped here for eternity.
There was no way out.
Suddenly, I felt like laughing. Gods, that was stupid. Hades was right; I am a complete idiot. I actually let Atlan talk me into almost siding with him. That was why Atlan had let me go so easily in the end. He knew I had the spell and he didn't care, because he knew it wouldn't work. He knew that I would be just as fucked with Hannibal as I would've been with him. He knew I was going to suffer for having made this decision.
Arikos was right.
Atlan was just like everyone else.
Trying to use me and trick me with kindness into joining his side.
And I was so stupid that I had believed it. I had honestly believed the Source would give me a break, and the laughter broke past my lips before I could stop it, startling everyone in the room, including Hades, which only made me laugh even harder.
"Menoetius?" Arikos asked, puzzled and concerned. Lucifer glared at me.
"What are you laughing about?" He demanded. I wanted to find words to respond, but I couldn't. I was laughing so hard that my ribcage hurt, my midsection where I'd been crushed throbbed in agony, but I couldn't stop laughing. It was terrifying, but so funny at the same time.
"Great, you broke him. Nice job, Lucifer," Hades deadpanned. Lucifer sputtered.
"I didn't do anything! He was catatonic until just now. What did you say?" He asked, looking at Hades, who glared at him.
"I didn't do anything. He probably woke up and saw your face."
"Very mature, Hades."
"Shut up," Arikos snapped at them, then turned to me, elbowing Lucifer out of the way, "Menoetius, please, stop, you're kind of freaking me out. Are you alright?" I laughed, reaching up to cover my face with my arm, because I probably looked fucking ridiculous, laughing myself to tears while my bandages were steadily becoming soaked in blood, making Hades's eyes widen and Lucifer wince. All the while, St. John just watched in silence, and it only made me want to laugh more.
"I can't believe I fell for that," I managed between laughs, trying to catch my breath, but it felt like I was going to hyperventilate, "H-He promised that he w-would kill me if I helped him. I stole it. I was going to wait until we beat Atlan and use it on myself. I was going to kill myself and everything would be over! My god, Hades is right, I am fucking moronic!" I broke off into another round of laughter and Arikos pursed his lips, his eyes glowing with pain as he took his hand off my arm. Lucifer looked oddly ashamed, for reason I didn't understand. Hades averted his eyes.
"Yeah, hilarious," he muttered.
"It is," I exclaimed, struggling to sit up, despite the pain roaring through my abdomen, and Arikos quickly tried to help me back down on the bed, but I shrugged him off to sit up against the headboard, "I almost did it too! Arikos kept telling me about how Atlan does it, how he brainwashes people, and I'm sitting here thinking no, that's not true, but it is! It was! Ha! It was! It only took him one month to convince me that he gave a shit and I actually fell for it! I actually had to debate whether or not I wanted to join him, or Hannibal! In the end, I chose Hannibal! Thinking I could actually steal the spell and use it when it was all over and it turns out, I can't even fucking use it!"
Fucking hell! What kind of cosmic deity would condone such irony? The Source had one hell of a sense of humor, and I was the butt of their best joke yet!
"Move," Hades said suddenly, pushing Lucifer and Arikos aside to get to me, muttering a curse, "He's ruptured something and it broke his stitches. Lucifer, hook up his damn IV." Arikos stammered over his words, trying to find a way to tell them I didn't want the IV, and I didn't. I kept jerking my arm away from Lucifer, while trying to suppress the laughs bubbling up inside me. I couldn't stop, and it was freaking me out.
I felt a combination of panic and bitter amusement, and incredible waves of pain soaring up my insides, causing blood to dribble past my lips, so I was caught between choking and laughing, trying to elbow Lucifer in the mouth. He caught my arm and wrestled it between his arm and his side, struggling to stick the IV needle into my arm.
Breathlessly, I struggled to get him off me while at the same time trying to shove Hades back and suddenly, Hades grabbed my face and forced me to look at him.
"Menoetius. Stop." Something clicked. My laughter stopped abruptly, and my struggling ceased. It felt like someone had just turned it off inside me. Now, instead of laughing hysterically, I was staring at him through blurry lenses, confused as to where it was coming from until I felt the hot streams going down my face, and further humiliation burned inside me as my rationale slowly began to settle in.
Holy fuck, what just happened?
A sharp pinch in my arm made my stomach leap into my throat and I choked on a mouthful of blood, trying to turn my head to see where the needle had entered my skin, but Hades forced my face toward his in the opposite direction.
"Stop struggling. You're just going to make it worse. And if you die now, you'll take us all with you. That little girl you saved would die." His words stung like a slap across the face. I felt the drug slipping through my veins like a cold worm and I swallowed against the sob in my throat.
"Don't touch me," I managed, watching Hades frown for a moment, and I felt like something was squirming and writhing in my head, and realization dawned on his face as he dug around in my head, finding exactly what he needed to know, "Please. Please, just stop touching me." Hades released my face and I slumped against the pillows, breathing hard. I wanted to rip the IV out, but my body felt too weak. I couldn't move.
Hades didn't listen to me; he was poking and prodding at my stomach, renewing my panic, but the drug was so heavy and so thick in my veins. All I could do was lay there and take it, tilting my head as Arikos came around to the bed again, reaching out to take my hand in his, his eyes shining with tears.
"It's alright, Menoetius. He isn't going to hurt you. Okay? I'm right here. You don't have to be afraid. I won't let anyone hurt you." His words only blurred my vision further. He had no proof of that. Hades didn't give a shit about me. He'd kill me if he could, I knew that. I had every right to be afraid. I didn't want to be drugged. I didn't need to be. He just had to do his job, or torture me, or whatever. I was tired of fighting it...
So why was I fighting this?
I relaxed slowly until I felt like I was going to pass out, and even after Hades had finished patching me up and everyone had left the room, Arikos sat on the side of my bed and held my hand and I couldn't understand why he stayed. As if hearing my thoughts, Arikos smiled and reached out to brush the hair back out of my face.
"I love you, Menoetius. I really do. I don't care if it takes the rest of eternity, I'm going to spend every moment I can showing you how much I love you. I promise. You hear me? You'll never question it again." I wanted to believe that. I wanted to believe it so much, it hurt.
What would it be like to wake up in the morning and see the person you love most? What would it feel like to know that on those days when it was so dark and cold that you felt like giving up, someone was there to remind you why you kept fighting? Was that how Hannibal felt? Did Hades feel like that? Was it possible for me to feel that?
The thing you wanted most in the world turned out to be a crock of shit. Everything you've ever wanted has left you alone. Why would this be any different?
Yeah... Why would this be any different?
I fell asleep after an hour of listening to Arikos talk about what we were going to do when I got better. I had the strangest dream once I'd fallen asleep, though. I had expected the same old thing; nightmare after nightmare, dark memories, or worse still, the twisted version of my dream of Hannibal, the one that had been warped and turned into a nightmare. Leaving me with no escape.
But instead, this dream took place in Arikos's apartment. Sunshine was pouring in through the window that was crusted with ice from the snow, snow that blanketed the streets outside. The smell of warm cinnamon and honey filled the air, and something hot and masculine, like cedarwood and patchouli. Somehow, the smells blended well, smooth and cozy. The feel of a cool sheet against my body and a heavy handwoven quilt wrapped around me, and I felt a pillow beneath my head.
I stared around Arikos's apartment, confused by it. It looked the same here as it did in real life. It was small and quaint, nothing like everyone else's extravagant homes, brimming with wealth. It was humble and personal, photos clustered on the end table made of a bunch of crates stacked together. I heard the sound of a toilet flushing, making me glance toward the bathroom as the door opened and Arikos came out, ruffling his black hair into a worse bedhead than it was usually. He yawned and stretched, then scratched his back, heading to the kitchen.
I stared after him, wondering why I was dreaming of this. Something about it felt so... normal. It felt like something other people did on a normal day. Something I'd always wondered about.
Not wanting to ruin it, I remained absolutely still, watching Arikos go to the coffee maker in the corner of the kitchen. The coffee maker was the most expensive thing in the apartment, well taken care of and loved. I felt my lips twitch at that. Of course Arikos would baby his coffee maker. He really was obsessed with coffee.
Better still was the rich smell of coffee beans as he opened a bag of beans and stuck them in a grinder before pouring them through the machine and hitting a couple more buttons. My eyes followed him as he went to a cupboard and pulled out a pair of mugs, one with a picture of a heart on it and the words "I COFFEE" around it... I think it meant "I Love Coffee", but I couldn't be sure. The second mug had the words "I NEED COFFEE" engraved on it.
He prepped the coffee and poured it. As he did so, I admired the way he looked in just a pair of sweatpants. I'd only seen Arikos naked once, on accident, but I hadn't seen much because I didn't want to offend him by staring. This must've come from what I did manage to get in that glimpse.
Arikos was leanly muscled, slender, but certainly not dainty or graceful. His movements, though slow, were more sure and confident. Even with his black hair a wicked mess, I could tell it came to almost his shoulders if he brushed it properly. His skin was a warm shade of caramel, with a small black mole at the base of his spine, another one on his shoulder, a couple more down his left leg, and another I never noticed under his right ear. His muscles were well defined.
Suddenly, he picked up the mugs and came over to the bed, pausing when he saw I was awake. I quickly shut my eyes, praying I hadn't messed things up somehow. I didn't want my view of Arikos to be corrupted by another nightmare.
I really didn't want to dream about this.
I didn't want another dream to be ruined.
I didn't want to look at Arikos and remember this nightmare.
"Menoetius, you're awake," Arikos said, making me peek my eye open. I swallowed nervously and just nodded once. He smiled and came over, sitting on the bed and holding out the mug of coffee that said "I NEED COFFEE" on it. I raised an eyebrow curiously at that, then slowly pushed the blankets back and took the coffee from him with a murmured thank you before I took a swallow, expecting sweetness. Instead, my tongue was bathed with warm rich coffee flavor with the hint of caramel and chocolate. It wasn't an overpowering sweetness, just mild and the chocolate was a bit bitter... and it was delicious.
"I knew you'd like that," Arikos said with a grin, "I was experimenting with some stuff and came up with that. How do you like it? Good risk with that dark chocolate?" I nodded, licking my lips and taking another gulp. Arikos laughed.
"Great! Remind me to try it with the Turkish coffee I got the other day from Regional Market." I didn't know what to say to that, something that sounded so weirdly normal, so I just nodded. Arikos smiled at that, taking sips of his own coffee, but watching me the entire time. I wasn't sure why he was staring at me, and it was making me nervous. I wondered if I was doing something wrong.
Unable to stand it anymore, I lowered the coffee from my mouth, holding it in my lap as I stared at Arikos, who looked at me questioningly.
"Why are you here?" I asked. Arikos blinked.
"What do you mean?"
"Why am I dreaming about this," I murmured, glancing around the room nervously as I waited for the sunshine to disappear, the comforting smells to turn sour and rancid, "Why is this happening? Is Malachi waiting to rip this one apart too?" Arikos raised an eyebrow.
"Malachi? What does he have to do with this? Isn't he Hades's kid?"
"I'm not supposed to have dreams," I informed him flatly, watching him frown, "It's why he destroyed the only dream I'd ever had. As punishment for being Titan, I'm supposed to relive my worst nightmares over and over again." Arikos appeared baffled by that.
"What? That sounds awful. Is that a nightmare you had?" He asked. I looked at him, confused.
"No, that's reality. This is a dream," I responded. Arikos blew a raspberry and leaned over to kiss me on the cheek, and I froze at the gesture as he took my empty coffee cup and his own to the sink where he picked up a sponge to wash them out.
"Don't be silly. I've told you before, Menoetius. This isn't a dream. It's been two years already. I'm not even thinking about leaving. In fact, I'm thinking we spend the day in since Amenti's at a friend's house tonight," he explained. I snapped my head to look at him, tensing as I sat up on the bed.
"Amenti? Where is she? Whose house? Is she alright? W-Wait, two years? What?" How in the hell had all of this happened? None of my dreams were like this. None of my dreams were from the future... Because I'd only ever been able to see the past and present. I froze as I lowered my eyes, barely hearing Arikos tell me I was being silly and telling me the answers to my questions that still made no sense to me. I had no idea who Shanti was or where Brick Road was.
But it couldn't be possible... I hadn't finished my training with Atlan. I shouldn't be allowed to go into the future just yet. Surely the Source wouldn't let me do such a thing.
Desperate to have answers, I closed my eyes and sat back on the bed. Arikos was quiet now, almost like he knew what I was trying to do. He even shut the sink off. I forced myself to focus in on the hum of things around me. The electricity purring through the lines, the faint whisper of wind blowing dust storms of snow across the crunch surface of last night's fall. The steady soft whoosh of air from my lungs, from Arikos's lungs, the way our hearts almost seemed to beat in sync. All of the sounds in the room blended and molded together into a single sound; a soft buzzing of incoherent words that I somehow understood.
Words that assured me that this was more than a dream. Words that sought to comfort me. It felt like someone was putting their arms around me, holding me tight, but gentle. A strange sense of calm fell over me, even though a small part of me wanted to panic.
Was the Source trying to tell me that this was my future?
How could that be possible? How could I have this kind of life? Why was I being allowed to have this? What had I done to deserve it?
The shapeless form that had wrapped itself around me gave me a light squeeze, the buzzing mechanical voice answered my questions with a single tug in my chest. Like it was pulling at my heart, and my heart got that strange swelling sensation again. I could almost call it... happiness. But was it really? Was this really what happiness was? It felt so warm. It felt so real. I couldn't find any other words to describe it.
I wanted it. I wanted it so much.
But every time I had wanted something in the past, it was viciously taken away from me. Every time I'd grasped for happiness, it'd slid through my fingers like smoke. I just couldn't have it.
The tugging sensation came back to my chest. Another squeeze around me.
You will. I don't know how I heard that in the silence around me. I don't know where it came from. I don't know why the Source was going out of their way to make me feel like this. To tell me everything was going to be okay. I was so sure it was going to fail, and yet the Source continued to blow breath into my lungs, into my heart. It was the strangest feeling I'd ever had in my life. It made a mockery of my first experience with the Orb and the Source.
And slowly I began to slip away from everything. My connection with the Source faded. I didn't abruptly fall out of it, nor was I thrown from it. I felt like I was carefully being laid down on a bed of warm soft fluffy blankets. No, a cloud maybe. It was just too wonderful, too cozy. It felt like a relief on my bruised, aching body.
I blinked my eyes open. I was disappointed to find that my dream had also faded out with the Source, but realized I was waking up to reality.
The pain came back, but not like a damn blow to my face. Now, it more of a dull throbbing ache inside me, in my bones, a slight stinging sensation. My eyes slowly opened up to the gold tiered ceiling of my room in Lucifer's palace. My eyelids felt sore, my eyes aching like they had sunken into the back of my skull, and my chest hurt like someone had dropped a rock on it.
I focused in on the ceiling, searching it as I tried to pull myself out of my drowsy state. I tried to lift my hand, but it felt heavy like something was on top of it. I managed to turn my head slowly, my neck stiff and aching. I found myself staring at Arikos, who had pulled one of the chairs over to sit beside me, his head resting on the bed, his fingers laced with mine. He looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, and beside him on the nightstand was a tray of untouched food.
Had he not eaten? The food looked nearly a day old, and smelled like it too.
Unless that was Arikos, who didn't appear to have showered since I had last seen him. He wore the same torn band t-shirt under a black and gray plaid shirt, and black jeans. Why hadn't he showered?
Concerned that he wasn't taking care of him, I managed to lift my other hand over and rest it on his head, ruffling his hair to wake him up gently. I expected him to come alive abruptly and snatch my hand like he had that time at Hannibal's apartment, but his eyes slid open slowly as he blinked to try and wake himself up.
"Arikos," I said hoarsely and he froze before shooting upright in his chair, "Eat your damn food." He blinked a couple more times before tears welled up in his eyes.
"Menoetius?" He asked.
"Last I checked," I replied. He quickly took my hand back in his, covering it with both of his and pressed it against his cheek.
"Oh my god, you really are trying to kill me, aren't you? I swear, I can't look away for a second or something will happen to you."
"It looks like you didn't look away for a second," I said, scowling weakly, "Why didn't you eat?"
"I wasn't hungry. How are you feeling? Are you okay? You're not gonna go into another scary laughing fit are you? Cuz as much as I love seeing your smile, baby, I really don't think I can deal with that maniacal laugh of yours," he added. I felt heat rush to my face.
"Please tell me I didn't really do that," I said slowly, but even as I said it, I remembered it clearly and embarrassment ran rampant through my face as I let go of Arikos's hand to cover my face, "They're going to send me to one of those hospitals you people reserve for crazy people." Arikos laughed quietly, wiping at his eyes and taking a deep breath to calm himself before he smiled at me, taking my hand again.
"But you're okay? I mean, are you still in pain? I feel dumb asking if you're okay, but are you okay?" He asked me again. I almost answered "yes", out of habit. But that would be a lie. While I didn't feel nearly as hysterical as I had earlier, I still felt like absolute shit and I still felt dumber than I ever had before.
"No," I admitted quietly. I didn't like admitting it, but for some reason, it felt okay to tell Arikos that. His smile wobbled, and he patted my hand, then surprised me as he kissed my knuckles and pressed my hand to his face again.
"Thank you for being honest," he said softly, then closed his eyes and sighed, cradling my hand to his face as if it were precious to him, "Menoetius, I know I can't make everything all better for you, and it kills me. And I know maybe in your eyes you don't see anything getting better for you, but I'm asking-- I'm begging you to please give me a chance to try again. Please let me help you." I swallowed hard at his plea. I'd never had anyone do this for me. I'd definitely never had anyone beg before either, and it made me extremely uncomfortable.
But I was so tired. I was so tired of trying and getting spit in the face for it. I was so tired of getting kicked in the teeth for daring to think things could get better. What was the point of it all if I was just going to be punished for trying again?
What have you got to lose?
That was true. I had nothing else left to be taken. I lost my virtue, I lost my honor, my dignity, all of my things that weren't even really my things to begin with because Akin had been the one to buy all those things for me. I'd even lost my last piece of hope of dying. Even my soul was battered and bruised and ready to give up. If Arikos crushed me... Maybe I'd finally be numb to everything. Or maybe I'd finally just not care anymore and be willing to destroy everything.
Yeah, right. You may have lost everything else, but you never lost your conscious.
"Arikos, I'm tired," I said quietly, and he nodded in understanding, "I'm... everything I have is gone. I have nothing I can give you. All I have left is broken and shattered. I don't want you to waste your time with something like me... But I know that no matter what I say, you're going to try to change my mind anyway. And I've seen you fix a lot of things." So maybe you can fix me?
Arikos smiled hopefully, giving my hand a squeeze. He didn't speak. He really didn't need to. I could see his happiness just from the glow in his eyes.
"But can you do me one favor?" I asked. Arikos nodded eagerly. I hesitated, then lifted my hand and took his to give it a squeeze.
"Please take a friggin' shower and eat something," I said. Arikos blushed.
"Yeah, I probably smell like two week old mayo. Or maybe that's the food. I have no idea anymore. I'll take this out and get something for both of us, okay? Hades recommended you stay in bed all day and I will endeavor to make that so. Which means when I get back, you better not have moved, got it? You'll heal faster after some rest. Promise me you'll stay in bed," he added, squinting at me suspiciously. I smiled faintly.
"Promise."
"Good," he said, brightening. He stood up and took the uneaten food from the room. I watched him leave, then stared up at the ceiling, sighing. My chest ached. It felt like everything had been ripped out. I felt hollow, tired. I really didn't care to move at all, still. I wanted to believe Arikos would help, I really did. I wanted to give him the chance, because what else was there for him to take from me? I wasn't sure what his motivations were, if he was telling the truth about loving me. For all I knew, he could just be doing this to cheer me up, which still made no sense to me.
And thinking about love just made me sick.
As time went on, I was slowly beginning to cope with the idea that such a thing didn't exist in the world for me. It made sense. It was the Source's way of ensuring my destiny, which unfortunately for the Source, I wasn't doing in the way I'm sure they envisioned.
It certainly wasn't the way Atlan envisioned it and my stomach sank slowly, like a heavy rock to the bottom of a dark pool. Atlan's expression had been so hurt when he'd found out what I'd done, and I had been both confused and guilty, and even more humiliated when he'd said it out loud in front of everyone. It was almost like he'd said it on purpose. He knew how uncomfortable sex made me... and he knew that Hannibal would look at me in disgust and I was so happy I hadn't looked long enough at Hannibal's face to see his reaction. Arikos had stung enough; the look of sheer horror, and his anger.
I still had no idea why he was so angry about it, enough to blow up the damn castle.
Was it because he thought Atlan had secured my loyalty?
I had no idea what was real anymore.
Everything just felt like a horrible nightmare. That was all reality was for me.
A nightmare.
The sound of the door opened, and I looked up, expecting to see Arikos returning, confused as to why he'd done everything so fast, but my stomach clenched when I saw Hades coming around the corner. My body tensed out of instinct, I struggled to lift myself up when an unseen force suddenly pushed me back down on the bed. It wasn't rough, but it certainly wasn't comfortable and scared the shit out of me.
My breath left me in a panicked gasp and I twisted my fists in the bed sheets, watching Hades approach the bedside. He didn't say anything, which was extremely unusual. I waited for his usual jabs about how I'd ruined the body he created for me. He knew everything now. He knew about Tiberius, about those two weeks I spent in that brothel, and about Atlan, and everything that had happened between us.
He just stared at me, and it was driving me insane.
I gritted my teeth.
"I'm sorry, alright? I tried to stop it, but I couldn't. I'm sorry I fucked up your work. Now can you just leave me alone?" I demanded, then grimaced at the way my voice cracked. I rubbed my throat weakly, then frowned when I realized Hades hadn't spoken yet. I glanced up at him, but his expression was unreadable. Aside from that eternal scowl plastered onto his face. I was beginning to think Hades smiled less than I did.
Finally, he made a "tch" sound, folding his arms over his chest.
"What're you apologizing for? It was those assholes who ruined my work. Now I have to go through and kill a bunch of idiots, then deal with Lucifer bitching at me for killing more of his residents. Do you have any idea how often that happens? It's not my fault Lucifer's citizens are pigs. I mean, mine are too, but my sons deal with that shit. I deal with the fun people. Like politicians. And religious fanatics. Nothing gets blood pumping like telling a politician he's a communist or a religious fanatic they're worshipping a stolen deity," Hades took a deep breath in the middle of his rant, as if he were sighing wistfully at the thought, "You know, I think I actually feel sorry for Lucifer now. I think I'd be doing him a huge favor by killing a bunch of lowlifes."
He stopped, stroking his chin thoughtfully for a moment, then snapped his fingers as if he suddenly had an idea.
"Who do you plan to kill now and are there any families I should contact about it?" A voice asked from the doorway. Hades made a noise of disgust, but it didn't sound particularly honest as he rolled his eyes and Lucifer entered the room. I eyed the archangel warily.
I couldn't tell which one of these creatures I hated more.
I expected Lucifer to sneer at me, like he had earlier when he'd accused me of trying to kill Hades. However, his expression softened as he came to Hades's side, and he looked at me.
"How are you feeling? I hope Hades wasn't rough. He gets overexcited when it comes to stitching up wounds and recreating organs out of almost nothing," he paused to cut Hades a disapproving stare, "Trust me. I know exactly how it feels." Hades gave him a bored stare.
"One time. Don't tell me you hold a grudge. You certainly had nothing to complain about afterwards when you--"
"Menoetius? How are you?" Lucifer cut him off, asking me with a pleading stare in his eyes that told me to speak before Hades decided to either continue that sentence, or worse, kill Lucifer for interrupting him.
"Fine," I answered, finding the answer to be mechanical now. How odd that it'd been easy to tell Arikos, but Lucifer... not so much. Granted, his suspicions were understood. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling particularly forgiving.
"That's good," Lucifer said obliviously, and Hades wiped a hand down his face as if he, too, couldn't comprehend how naive his lover was, "Hades says your recovery should only take a couple more days. Until then, we highly recommend you stay in the palace so if anything should happen, Hades can be here immediately. Not to mention, we're not sure how Atlan will react to your defecting to Hannibal. He may attack you by any means necessary. Even your dreams." I frowned, puzzled by that.
"Atlan has no control over dreams. He's not a god of sleep," I responded. Lucifer appeared confused by that as well, and Hades sighed.
"Every pantheon has their own sleep gods. We have the oneroi, who work under Hypnos and Morpheus. We also have a god of nightmares, Phobetor. Atlanteans have their own sleep gods. Dekokles is their god of nightmares and he's also half-desdios, a servant of the gods. His mother was a servant of Atlan," he explained.
"But that makes no sense," I said, "I saw no other person in the castle, aside from Atlan and his human servant, Diana." Hades shook his head.
"Dekokles doesn't have a physical form on our plane. He can only take the form of your worst nightmares when you're asleep. Otherwise, his essence is imprisoned in jewelry or clothing," he explained, and at mine and Lucifer's questionable looks, he shrugged, "What? You think Atlan was thrilled to have one of his desdios sleep with another god? He was pissed as hell, punished both the desdios and the other god by forcing Dekokles to lose his physical form and imprisoned him."
"Who was Dekokles's father?" I asked. Hades hummed thoughtfully for a moment.
"Zetnos," Arikos's voice made me try to sit up again, but Hades did that strange magical take-down that left me immobile on the bed and in a mild panic, which somehow managed to quickly subside. I looked at Hades, confused, but he completely ignored me to watch Arikos come in.
He'd showered and cleaned up well, wearing a beat up black leather jacket over a creepy voodoo doll shirt and torn black jeans. He was also pushing a cart of food into the room that made my stomach knot in realization that I was really hungry.
"Zetnos?" Lucifer asked in disbelief. Arikos nodded, pushing the cart up to the bed, giving me a big smile before he uncovered the plates that were overflowing with warm food.
"Zetnos wasn't a virgin god. He's actually known for falling in love pretty easily, but he's always had a thing for Lea. He's just too scared to act on it. Anyway, he slept with a desdios named Mirasa. She gave birth to a demigod and Zetnos deemed him the god of nightmares. It's kind of sad, to be honest. Dekokles was locked in some weird necklace shortly after his sixteenth birthday."
"Something tells me Zetnos didn't like that," Lucifer muttered. Arikos's eyes got wide as he set up a tray on the bed in front of me, and I just watched him, completely taken aback by the fact that he was setting everything up for me to eat easier. I felt the pressure on me lifting, allowing me to slowly lift myself up into as comfortable a sitting position as I could get.
"Zetnos was furious," Arikos agreed with a nod, "When he tried to change Dekokles back, Atlan killed Dekokles's mother and threatened to destroy his soul if Zetnos tried to fight back. Since then, Zetnos was pretty quiet when it came to Atlan." I tried to wrap my head around that, unsure if I wanted to eat now. They were talking about Atlan as a complete villain, and it was hard to absorb that fact when I'd spent almost a month with him and he hadn't shown any signs of doing such a thing. He'd never said anything about it.
"Was Atlan involved with the desdios?" I asked, wondering if Atlan had lashed out of jealousy.
"No," Arikos shook his head, "Atlan wanted his female desdios to remain virgins. The rest of them were pretty expendable."
"I think I can hear the feminists of the modern mortal world screaming in the distance," Hades mused, reaching up to touch his ear. Lucifer gave him a light elbow in the ribs and Hades held up his hands in surrender, though, he rolled his eyes and muttered an obscenity I didn't understand.
"Wait," I said suddenly as the rest of Arikos's story sank in, "He put Dekokles's soul in a necklace? What necklace?" Arikos frowned.
"Actually, I'm not sure. Atlan never allowed me anywhere near his private jewelry. No doubt he's in one of those. Atlan wouldn't want to let it out of his sight. If anyone got a hold of Dekokles, they would risk releasing him and Atlan would be vulnerable in his sleep to Dekokles's attacks," he explained. I didn't answer him as I stared at the food on my plate, but no longer really saw it.
Instead, I saw the necklace Atlan had clasped around my neck. I remembered the sudden tiredness that followed. It was a strange acceptance. I had actually taken my shirt off when Atlan asked, when any other time I would have sucker-punched someone for even suggesting such a thing. I remembered the nightmare I'd had with Hannibal.
I remembered it so vividly, so suddenly, that a wave of nausea hit me and I rolled over, despite the agony piercing my body, and emptied what little contents I had in my stomach out on the floor.