Chapter 35 ~ Liam
I know she is sorry, I know she really regrets what she did. I know Tammy and she doesn’t lie, she is always honest, even when that may hurt people. She said that to the magazine because she wanted it to be her words, not some else’s. I know she really means everything that she has told me right now, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t use me like she did. That doesn’t mean she didn’t stab me in the back from the very beginning.
And when I see her here, with her teary eyes and without a mask to hide herself, it hurts me even more what I have to say. I just can’t put aside what she did. Not yet, at least. I feel betrayed, I feel used and I can’t look her in the eyes without thinking of what she’s done.
I remember Mila telling me once that I’m a proud man, and I guess she was right then, because with what Tammy did she hurt my pride. I was used and I didn’t even realise until it was too late. I never imagined it was Tammy who called the paparazzi. I always wondered how they managed to know when it was clear. That’s why she wanted to be outside the first time, so paparazzi could take pictures. That’s why she didn’t react when we saw the paparazzi outside in our second date. And I bet if we had had a third date it would’ve been the same.
She only wanted publicity and I can’t forget that. And it hurts me because I still love her, because I want to put this behind and just comfort her because I know she is in pain, but I can’t do it. Tammy has always said that I’m a good guy, that I’m too good but that’s not true. I’m proud and resentful, I hold grudges and right now that’s what keeps us apart and that marks the end of everything because I can’t forget what she did.
“Leave,” I say and I see her blinking, confused. “That’s what I want you to do. Leave me alone. It’s over, Tammy. You used me and I can’t forget that.”
“Liam, please… I’m really sorry,” she insists but I shake my head and I carefully pull back, getting her off of me.
“I know but that doesn’t change what you did. Please, leave me alone. I’m sorry you had to come here, but it doesn’t change anything.”
I look away because I can’t witness the moment she breaks. I saw her once like that and it was terrible. I can’t see her like that again or I’ll break myself.
“Okay,” she says, her voice a mere whisper. “I’ll leave. Just one more thing and please look me in the eyes now.” I don't know what she wants to say, but I grant her that wish. “I am sorry for having hurt you, but you need to know one more thing before I leave and that’s… I love you, Liam. Surprisingly, I can love, you taught me that and even if it was brief… thank you for that. I’m sorry for disappointing you and for using you. I didn’t mean all this. I just wanted you to know that I really, really love you.”
I take a sharp breath before she grabs her backpack and walks out the room, leaving me inside with her words echoing in my mind.
It wasn't long but we were together and during all that time I knew I was in love with her, but I never told her, always waiting for the perfect moment. But that moment never came. I didn’t expect she would say it first. I always thought I was going to tell her that I loved her and she would laugh at me and mock me. I thought that many months later she would say, in a whisper when we were about to fall asleep, that she loved me too. I never thought she was going to tell me she loved me when she was leaving me… because I asked her to leave me.
I turn around in one swing but the door is closed and Tammy is not here anymore. She left without knowing that I love her, too, but I just can’t be with her if I can’t forgive her.
Why, if we love each other, I can’t put this behind and tell her it’s okay, that I forgive her? Why do I feel like there’s a wall between us, a different wall and I can’t conquer this? Once I climbed her walls and she let me in, but this wall is higher and ticker and impossible. And I don’t even want to try. I just give up although I love Tammy and she loves me. But I can’t.
I don’t notice the single tear that falls down my cheek as I turn around again, giving my back on the door and with that, on Tammy.
It’s over.
+ + + + +
Time passes by and it means nothing to me. I just don’t care about anything. I do my job but it doesn’t feel like before. I think something broke inside of me and although I put the pieces together, it’s not the same. It doesn’t work anymore. Like a music box that broke down. I put every single piece together but it doesn’t make music anymore, it’s silent. I feel just like that. I don’t even know if I miss Tammy, I just don’t feel anything.
When we’re back from our tour I go visiting my mum because she demands me to go. I don’t want to, but she says it’s an order, so I go for a couple of days. I really don’t wanna be in London right now.
“How are you, sweetie? I’ve been so worried about you!” She tells me hugging me the day I arrive at home.
“I’m okay, Mum. Just tired. But we’re almost over with the European tour,” I tell her and she smiles, but then she takes a better look at me and I know she notices the difference.
“It’s because of that girl, isn’t it? That awful girl broke your heart,” she says and I twitch. After all this time, I still hate that people call Tammy an awful girl. She was sorry, she didn’t mean it. Yes, she used me, but she regretted it later.
“Don’t call her that,” I say and my mum gasps. “It’s over now so you don’t need to tell me ‘I told you so’ nor you need to insult her. She has had enough of that. Just forget it, okay?” My voice is cold, like icicles thrown as if they were daggers.
“How can you defend her after what she did to you, sweetie? I saw it all on the telly!”
“You don’t know half of the story. She said sorry and she explained me everything, you don’t need to insult her. She’s been through hell, she doesn’t need any more. Please, stop. It’s over,” I ask Mum one more time and she looks at me disappointed and confused, but she lets it drop. And during my days there, we don’t talk about Tammy ever again.
But my mum is not the only one who attacks Tammy and, again, I stand up for her. I don’t know why I do it, I shouldn’t care anymore, it’s over. But I can’t help it, I can’t let people say mean things because they don’t know her story.
“Are you okay, Liam?” Phebs asks me when I’m back in London and she goes to visit me. She is my closest girl friend and she’s been worried all this time. “Do you need to talk?”
“I’m okay,” I say for the millionth time.
“I’m sorry for what she did, but don’t worry, you’ll fine someone better, someone who will love you and who will be worth it,” Phebs says and I tense at her words. Why does she think Tammy didn’t love me?
“Tammy loved me and she was worth it. She made a mistake, but she apologised,” I tell the blonde and she looks confused. “It was a mistake that caused our fallout, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t love or that she was awful. Don’t say it like that.”
Phebs stares at me ever so confused and I know she is trying to make sense out of my actions, but I turn around and walk up to the kitchen. I don’t care anymore, whether people understand or not, I don’t care. They don’t know the full story and they will always judge Tammy. I couldn’t put behind what she did but that doesn’t mean that what we had, for how long it was, wasn’t real.
“You love her… you still love her,” Phebs mumbles and I don’t turn to look at her. “She used you, Liam. How can you love her?”
“How can I not? You don’t know her, you don’t know anything about her. She is the strongest person I’ve ever seen and she has many flaws and she made a huge mistake. Tammy is not perfect, she is far from perfect, but she is unique.”
“Then why don’t you go after her if you still love her?” Phebs ask me and I turn to look at her this time, and she is smiling. “If you can stand up for her even after that happen, if you still love her… why don’t you get back with her?”
I don’t smile, I don’t feel anything. “Because I can forget what she did. I can forgive, but not forget.”
Phebs’ smile is sad this time. “I’m sorry,” she says and I know she doesn’t mean it for what Tammy did, but because I can’t put that behind and she knows, better than I know, what that’s doing to me.
Louis comes a few days later and I prepare myself to defend Tammy again. Louis will be the worst one, he will yell at me saying ‘I told you do but you never listen’ and ‘all women are the same.’ Same crap as usual. At least he didn’t nag me during those days in the other countries, even after Tammy came to see me. He left me alone.
“I’m sorry,” he says surprising me. I blink, confused. “I shouldn’t have said that about Tammy. I know what she did was wrong but it wasn’t my business. I took it personally,” he adds and my confusion only grows.
Louis chuckles and comes to me, patting my shoulder.
“I took it personal because I was jealous of you, Liam. You took the risk to be with Tammy, even if all the odds were against you, but I couldn’t and my option was safer than yours. You weren’t a coward but I was, so when I saw that all your happiness could end because she did something wrong, I exploded. I needed to feel like I was right, that I made the right choice by not taking the risk.”
“Are you talking about Kay?” I ask, still confused by his words.
Louis smiles sadly and I guess I understand. Kay left, she finished the documentary and no one has heard of her again. For what I know, Kay told Louis she was done with him after he blamed on every woman again for what Tammy did.
“Yes. I never took the risk of being with her because I’m a coward and I let her go when I should’ve kept her close and now I’m trying to make amends. I know I’ve been wrong all this time. That’s why I came to apologise, not for only what I said that day, but all this time. I’ve been a dick, uh?”
I chuckle and he hugs me. “The biggest.”
“At least I win at that,” he winks and we both laugh. “But really, I’m sorry for making you worry and for being a pain in the arse for so long. We can all say I suck at managing my emotions and I need therapy.” Again, I laugh at his words. “And just to prove I’m better I’ll go with a women therapist. What do you think?”
“You’re doing definitely better,” I agree.
“High five!” He shouts and laughing, I give him high five. “Now, I know it sucks and you feel really bad, but you manage heartbreak better than I do, so what if we do something to distract you? I know it’s exhausting in one’s mind.”
“What do you offer, Tommo?” I ask with a smile.
“I told you I’m making amends, especially with the girls.” He shivers and that makes me laugh again. “So I’m taking Moni and Mila book shopping and I need help with that. You know them. And we can invite Phebs, too.”
“Then we should bring all the lads and even security. We’ll need more people to carry those books.”
“Finally someone who understands!” Louis exclaims throwing his arms in the air. “Everyone says I’m exaggerating but those are dangerous when they are in a bookshop!”
Laughing. I only bump shoulders with him. “Let’s go, then.”
I know Tammy and I are over and I guess that part will be always missing inside of me, but at least I’m glad Louis is okay. He is finally okay, I’m just sorry he lost Kay.
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Dedication to @therosewithin. I really try to make every chapter important and significant. Thanks for noticing that. And I hope you're doing better.
Bel, xx