Chapter Twenty-Two
I didn't dream.
Thank the fucking gods for that small mercy.
Instead, I woke up to the soft sound of beeping. It sounded like medical equipment somewhere to my left. I felt warm soft blankets around me, and I swore one of them was heated. What a strange little miracle these people had created. I savored it, sighing in relief at the comfort it provided. I could faintly smell vanilla and leather, mingled with something almost smokey. An odd combination of smells, but vaguely familiar.
I could hear ocean washes crashing against a cliff side, rushing over the rocks, then slowly being sucked back out to sea to begin their slow, steady rhythm against the earth.
I wasn't on the island anymore. I wasn't with Atlan anymore. Diana was dead. Everything was back to normal, or at least, for everyone else it was. Somehow, I felt lethargic about the whole thing. I felt empty, hollow even. It felt strange not waking up to the hot smell of breakfast, to the distant sound of ocean waves against the shoreline, to thick heavy blankets, the jingling of jewelry, or Atlan even. My temporary attempt at pretending to have people like me was gone now and I was back to reality.
I opened my eyes slowly and found myself staring up at a gold and white tiered ceiling, the delicate matching panel walls around me, old paintings by artists whose names I couldn't pronounce. I turned my head, expecting to see a balcony that showed the Black Sea outside, bordering the realm of Hell, but my eyes were instantly drawn to the IV bag beside me, the liquid it was pouring through the line and straight into my arm.
My eyes widened.
No.
No!
Panic seized me instantaneously as I snatched the IV from my arm, hissing in pain as the needle left me and fell to the floor. I kicked the blankets back and got up quickly, but the moment I stood, my world tilted to the left and I slammed into the floor, breathing hard as pain erupted up my arm and shoulder. I scrambled on the floor, trying to see straight, but I was so dizzy, I was getting sick.
I tried to find my breath and calm down, but every time I blinked, I saw the IV bag, saw Tiberius laughing at me, grabbing my head and forcing it back as he plunged the needle into my throat. I shuddered and vomit bubbled up my throat and poured past my lips before I could stop it. I choked and gasped for breath, trying to grab the bed to pull myself up, but I just tore all the blankets off the bed on top of me.
And somehow, I found myself remembering that dream with Hannibal, remembered the heavy weight of him on top of me and I squeezed my eyes shut, wrestling the blankets away from me until I could back up into the nightstand. My chest hurt from hyperventilating, my throat hurt from vomiting, and everything still spun around the room like I was on a carousel.
Things only got worse when I closed my eyes, opened them again, and froze at the sight of the room I was in. The tiny, smelly room from the brothel where Tiberius had kept me. I blinked several times, but it wasn't going away, and my panic turned into full blown hysteria as I grabbed at the nightstand, heaving myself up. I wobbled and stumbled until I slammed into the wall by the nightstand, breathing hard as I clutched at my chest, trying to force this hallucination away.
That's what this was. A hallucination. It had to be.
This wasn't real.
Hannibal wouldn't send me back there.
Yes, he would.
No, he wouldn't! Arikos wouldn't let him do this. Akin wouldn't let him do this.
I tried to focus on the logic behind it, but fear knew no logic. Fear was naturally irrational, and naturally powerful. It seized my entire being as I trembled violently, grabbing onto the nightstand to keep my balance as the room swayed and tilted. I tried to ground myself, tried to focus on one thing in the room, but my adrenaline was too ramped up. I felt like I was having a massive breakdown, and it only got worse when I heard the door to the room open.
I grabbed the nearest thing to me, which happened to be a lamp, tore it out so the cord whipped me in the legs, and threw it at whoever was coming around the corner. It exploded against the wall and I heard a yelp of surprise, turning around to see Arikos stepping back from a silver tray he'd been carrying that fell to the floor, causing the glass cups on it to shatter to pieces. The sound of everything breaking slammed me back into reality and I realized I was standing in the middle of one of the guest rooms in Lucifer's palace.
No ugly rotting walls, no moldy pieces of carpet, no iron chair, no filthy bed or discarded clothing. Tiberius wasn't here. But the IV was still standing by the bed and my skin crawled as I clutched at the bit of blood on my arm from wrenching the IV needle out wrong.
"Menoetius," Arikos said, looking stunned, "What are you doing?"
"N-Nothing," I stammered, then clenched my teeth and took a deep breath, "Nothing. I just... I had a nightmare." Arikos studied me for a moment, cautious, before he moved around the mess to take a step toward me and I took one back, bumping into the wall. I grimaced, then blinked a few times to try and fight the dizziness swimming in my head.
"You should be laying down," he said, then frowned as he saw the mess around the bed, "Did you get sick?"
"I'll clean it up," I said absentmindedly, moving toward the door to the bathroom. Arikos quickly moved toward me, but I shied away from him when he reached for my arm and he looked hurt.
"Don't touch me," I said sternly, then hesitated at his expression, "Please. I'm really, really tired of people touching me." Arikos's expression softened, almost like he understood, and I'm sure he did in someway considering his own experience with people. Unfortunately, Arikos had somehow managed to become immune to the creeping crawling sensation touch had given him. Right now, however, I still felt disgust when someone got near me.
"Okay," Arikos said gently, "But let me clean it up."
"It's fine, I got it." No sooner had I finished speaking did Arikos wave his hand, and all the mess was cleaned up, including the broken lamp and tray. I cut him a dry stare and he just smiled.
"I didn't feel like arguing with you. You can be stubborn," and I rolled my eyes at that, making him smile a bit more before he gestured to the bed, "Come on, you need to rest some more. You were really hurt in that rock slide." I frowned, glancing at the bed. Seeing the IV stand next to the bed, though, made me wish I wasn't even in the room anymore. I shook my head and instead tried to go around Arikos to the armchairs sitting by the balcony, but my balance tipped and I stumbled, almost hitting the floor, but Arikos caught my shoulders gently and helped me stand.
I really didn't want to be touched. While my skin didn't crawl in disgust, my heart raced at having Arikos's skin against mine. However, there was no way I could make it across the room without falling over, so I said nothing as Arikos helped me over to the chair and I sat down, grimacing as pains throbbed up and down my back.
Arikos went to the IV stand to move it, and I tensed.
"No," I said quickly and Arikos frowned at that, "I don't need that."
"Menoetius, you were flattened by a ton of rock. You really want this to at least dull the pain."
"I rather be in pain than have that thing in me. I don't want it and I won't take it. I just want to sit here," I answered hoarsely, eyeing the IV stand. If he brought that thing near me, I'd chuck it over the balcony. Apparently Arikos seemed to understand because he released it and came over to sit in the chair beside me as I shifted to try and get comfortable, but no matter what position I took in the chair, my body was in pain.
Yeah, it definitely felt like a rock had smashed my insides to porridge.
I grimaced, rubbing at my abdomen where bandages encircled me, probably to help the magic steadily heal me. It definitely wasn't healing fast enough, or maybe it was just healing too fast. I couldn't tell. I just wanted the pain to be gone, but not enough to let Arikos stick me with that needle.
"Menoetius," Arikos said after a moment, making me frown and look at him at him to see him looking down at his hands, where he was nervously pressing his fingertips together, like he was debating whether to ask something or not.
I had a feeling I knew what he was going to ask.
"Yes." My response made Arikos's eyes water up for a moment before he blinked his tears away. He clasped his hands together tightly before squeezing his eyes shut and cursing. He stood up and paced, my eyes following him. I forced myself to remain calm on the outside, but on the inside, my humiliation was returning with a hot vengeance that threatened to creep into my face.
"I needed to get into Atlan's room," I said quietly, averting my eyes when he paused to look at me, "He was hiding the spell that would help me free Akin. I had to get that spell and get Akin out." I waited for Arikos to tell me it was stupid, to tell me I was stupid, or that there had to be some other way, but he didn't say a word. He turned away from me now... and for some reason, that hit me like a blow in the stomach that hurt a lot worse than being smashed by a rock.
He's disgusted by you.
Well, of course he was. I couldn't even name all the reasons it was disgusting I'd do something like that with Atlan, just to save Akin, but at the time, it seemed like nothing. It wasn't a difficult choice. I had to save Akin. What I risked didn't matter... and to be honest, I would've done it again had I gone back. It was the only way to get Atlan to relax enough around me. It was the only way I could save Akin.
Besides, why did it matter to Arikos?
He wanted me first? I almost laughed at that idea. How absurd. The only reason he'd sleep with me was to convince me to side with Hannibal, and now that my loyalty was assured, there was no reason for him to continue his charade of being kind to me.
"You don't have to stay," I told Arikos after a moment, and he blinked and looked up, confused, "I know you have work to attend to. I'm fine on my own." Arikos pursed his lips tightly, his expression pained. I wasn't sure why he was looking at me like that. His actions confused, almost like I was hurting his feelings, but I wasn't sure what I was doing aside from allowing him to live his life the way he wanted to. Did he want something in return?
Maybe he does want sex from you. He did kiss you after all.
That was true. And thinking about it made my lips tingle as I remembered the kiss we'd shared that night before I was kidnapped. I'd ruined the moment because I'd stupidly remembered Zeus's attack, and suddenly, it felt like his attack no longer mattered. In fact, what he'd done had been very similar to all my other experiences with sex.
And all of the experiences I'd seen my brothers have as well.
How confusing. And dark. I was suddenly grateful I had never had sex with Hannibal, in reality. I wouldn't want to hurt him like that, and I'd certainly had my fair share of it. I was tired of it. I was tired of being in pain all the time, and what was I supposed to get out of it? The only time I'd ever willingly had sex had been to gain something, to get the spell book from Atlan. In the end, that's what it appeared to come down to. Sex earned you things, advantages.
But Arikos had done so much for me and I had never once thanked him, not the way it appeared people did all the time.
I looked back at Arikos as he looked at me. He looked incredibly hurt and frustrated and I didn't know what to say to make him feel better. I couldn't quite understand what I'd done to upset him, and the only conclusion I could draw was from the fact that I hadn't given him anything in return for what he'd done.
I stood up from the chair and Arikos looked at me confused now as I approached him. I tried to remember the way Atlan had kissed me and leaned down to kiss him on the mouth. His eyes widened and his mouth opened, mostly out of shock, and I remembered the way Atlan had opened my mouth for me when we had kissed. I tried to kiss him the same way, but Arikos suddenly pushed me back and stepped away from me, covering his mouth.
"What are you doing?" He demanded. I frowned. I kissed him wrong. Damn it.
"Sorry," I said, reaching up to touch my bottom lip, "I'm not sure how it works."
"What?" Arikos sputtered. I looked at him for a moment, trying to remember something else that would show him where I was trying to lead us to. I hadn't always been led into sex, though. Sometimes it just happened. So I stepped toward him again, intending to touch his hips, but he stepped back again.
"Menoetius, stop!" He snapped. I obeyed instantly. Crap, crap. I was doing something wrong. Or did he not want this? What did he want then?
"Sorry," I said, confused, "I don't know what you want." Arikos looked at me, his confusion switching to fury.
"I definitely don't want that!" He exclaimed. I wasn't sure why that felt like a kick in the balls, but it did, and suddenly I felt embarrassed. Well, shit. What did he want then? What did he want from me? I had nothing else to give him. I had no money, no clothes, no home. This was the only thing I could offer him and he didn't want it.
"I don't understand," I admitted through clenched teeth. Arikos wiped a hand down his face, then ran his hands through his hair. He was frustrated, and he started pacing again, like he was trying to think of something to say, and watching him pace only made me nervous.
"Arikos," I said after a moment, and he came to an abrupt stop to look at me again, but he looked annoyed now, "I'm sorry. I'm not very good at this. To be honest, I don't want to say anything more than thank you for everything. You made it easier to survive and you made it easier for me to come to my decision to side with Hannibal. I appreciate your kindness, but you don't have to do anything more for me. I just really want to leave." Arikos stared at me for a moment, then something seemed to dawn on him.
"Menoetius. I never used you. Whatever Atlan told you, he's lying. That's what he does. He says things to mess with your head," he paused and I frowned as he rubbed at the back of his neck in frustration, "For over five centuries, Atlan convinced me that the only thing I was good for was sex. Actually, I still believed that right up until I met Hannibal. Hannibal never asked me for anything. He never asked for me to sacrifice myself in return for helping me. And he did a lot more than free me from Atlan. He helped me get my first real job. He helped me get my apartment. He helped me make friends. He helped me realize that family is supposed to help you, and love you, no matter what."
I tried to see it from his point of view. I tried to find his optimism, but I couldn't. I knew full well Atlan was a smooth talker. He'd smooth-talked me since the very beginning, because that was how he got what he wanted. He needed to be convincing to his cause. A cause he believed was good, when it wasn't. At least, not completely.
I also knew full well that maybe Arikos's family could be redeemed. Hannibal adored Arikos. It was one of the reasons he'd gone out of his way to keep Arikos from trying to invite me out constantly. He wanted to protect Arikos. Arikos was the brother he never had. Xenon, too, would come to love Arikos. Lea already adored him. To top it off, Akin loved him too. They were really happy together, a real family.
My stomach suddenly ached at that. It sounded nice. It sounded like a fairy tale. A fairy tale that became reality for them. I was happy for them, happy for Hannibal, and Arikos. They'd gone through so much and in the end, they found happiness. Happiness that they deserved. It was only fair they got to keep that, which is why I had decided in the end to fight at Hannibal's side.
I didn't just do it for Hannibal and Arikos either. I did it for Amenti. I did it for other children who were hurt by centuries of war. I did it for innocent people who needed to be protected from political and religious ideology that had turned ugly.
St. John had the choice between joining Atlan, or dying. In the end, he'd chosen to stay alive, to help people.
I wanted to help people. I wanted to help Atlan, in the only way that was possible to save someone as far gone as him. I wanted to help Hannibal, because it was like an instinct ingrained into my heart. And I wanted to help the innocent.
"I'm glad you're happy now," I said. Arikos sighed.
"That's what you got out of that?"
"What was I supposed to get out of it?" I asked, confused. Damn it, nothing he said made sense. I could still sense him trying to hint around to something, but I wish he'd just come right out and tell me.
"Menoetius, you don't have to have sex with me to say thank you. That's not what sex is. Atlan has trained you to think its a tool, and it's not. And he trained you to think that you are less than deserving of anything. He's talked you down, not up. He says all these nice things, but he knows how much it makes you think the opposite," he explained. I scowled. None of that made any sense.
"I don't understand."
"Because that's what he's done," Arikos stressed, "Menoetius, I'm not being nice to you because I want something from you. I'm not trying to trick you into joining Hannibal's side. For fuck's sake, I used to be in your same position. Atlan convinced me that his side was the right way, and that Hannibal was the one who was fucking things up. It only took Hannibal's kindness and his loyalty to show me that everything I'd been taught is a lie. It's brainwashing, Menoetius." I tried to wrap my head around what he was saying, but it was only frustrating me.
"You're not tricking me to do anything," I agreed slowly, watching him relax, "You're just doing what you have to do. I'm not mad at you." Arikos threw his hands up, then covered his face.
"Goddamn it. No, Menoetius, I wasn't doing anything to trick you or persuade you or anything. I wasn't being nice to you because I wanted you to join Hannibal's side in the war. I was being nice to you because I genuinely like you," he said, and I furrowed my brow into a frown, because now he was just confusing me even more.
"What?"
"How many times do I have to say it," Arikos said, giving me a half smile, "I like you... I'd go as far as to say that I love you. From the moment I met you when I woke up in that hospital bed and you stayed with me until the nurses had me stabilized. The moment you looked at Hannibal and I saw real love in your eyes. You were loyal, not out of a sense of duty, but because you genuinely love Hannibal. Even when you snapped at him, you never seemed to mean it. It was like you were putting up a front, because you didn't want Akin to have to censor his relationship with Hannibal for your sake. I loved you the moment I realized you were willing to sacrifice yourself to save a little girl you'd just met. You sacrificed yourself to save Akin for Hannibal, even though you could've easily gotten rid of Akin to have Hannibal to yourself. Because no matter how surly and angry you get, Menoetius, you are a good person."
I stared at him, baffled at his words, the fact that he remembered all of those things.
My heart felt so strange. It felt like it was swelling. It felt odd to have someone notice all of those things, to have someone express it in a way that didn't make me feel like the monster I've felt like since the moment of my resurrection. He kept saying he loved me and he kept smiling when he said it, and it reminded me so much of the way Akin looked at Hannibal.
And I wanted that, and it felt strange to want that. I had tried to hate Arikos in the beginning, I really had. He was kind and he was funny and he tried to find the optimism in everything, even when I was positive the world was falling apart around us. And sometimes, I had found myself thinking about him and I wasn't entirely sure why.
I had felt the beginnings of what I felt for Hannibal, but I didn't want to... No, rather, I did, but I was terrified of making Arikos feel like Hannibal felt around me. I didn't want to make Arikos uncomfortable. I didn't want to unintentionally hurt him because I was a clueless idiot. I didn't want to ruin his life by getting involved with it.
I also didn't want to get spit on. I didn't want to have Arikos look at me the way Hannibal did. I didn't want to have someone reject me like that again. I didn't want to watch someone else I loved, fall in love with another person, a person I knew was better than me and could provide them with everything I couldn't.
And that fear came roaring back.
I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do this again. Not when I was finally making the right decisions. I didn't want to take another risk right now. It could backfire on me. Arikos could change his mind. Arikos could just be feeling in-the-moment. His feelings could change. His feelings could become bitter. And what if he wanted something more out of the relationship? I wasn't sure I could give him what he needed. I wasn't emotionally stable enough for him. I wasn't happy and positive like he was. I wasn't easygoing and friendly or social.
Arikos deserved better than a cynical used piece of crap. He deserved someone who would protect him and love him. Someone who was strong. I could like him as much as I wanted, but it would never be enough. I would never be able to give him everything he needed.
Every time I was touched, I was reminded of how filthy I was. Every time someone smiled at me, I wondered if they were thinking how gross I was. I woke up most mornings wishing I'd died in my sleep. I went to bed, praying to the Source that I would die. I went through my day on autopilot, pretending I had everything under control when I didn't. I was misery incarnate and I didn't want to sully Arikos with that.
"I don't know how you do that," I admitted, making Arikos frown in confusion, "How you can look at someone and still see how good they are when they can't do it themselves. When no one else can see it. You see good in everyone and I don't understand how."
"I'll be happy to show you the good in you if you'd let me, Menoetius." His offer was incredibly kind. I felt like thank you wasn't enough to express how I felt, but he obviously didn't want to kiss me or be touched by me from his earlier reaction, so instead, I offered him a smile.
"Thank you," I said, and he brightened for a moment, "But, Arikos, I don't want you to waste your time. I don't want you to settle for someone who's broken. You don't deserve second rate. You deserve the best and I can never be that." Arikos clenched his teeth. He looked like he was going to cry and I wanted to kick myself.
"See, it's like every time I say something, I make you cry," I sighed, reaching up to rub my forehead, then grimaced in pain as my abdomen protested the sudden movement, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you."
"You're not hurting me," Arikos managed, quickly wiping his tears away and stepping closer to me, and this time I didn't move, "You're hurting yourself and it makes me really sad to see someone so great stomping all over themselves like that. Menoetius, you're not second rate. You're the best of the best. You're not broken. You're tired and it's okay to be tired, but don't give up. You've come so far and you deserve to be happy."
"You're the one who's come so far," I said, bewildered by his words, and he sniffed and laughed quietly, like he didn't believe me, "I'm serious. You suffered so much and now you're always happy when I see you. You've got a job that you love. You have your own apartment and you take so much pride in it. You've got so many friends, and you have a new family that will be dying to spend time with you. You don't have to stop everything just for someone like me."
"Damn, Menoetius, what can I do to make you realize you're not who you say you are?"
"It's hard to refute centuries of proof," I admitted with a faint smile. Arikos sniffed.
"Can I please hug you?"
"You can do whatever you want to me, Arikos," I replied, surprised by how much I truly meant that. He choked on a sob and put his arms around my torso, hugging me tightly and pressing his cheek to my chest. I put my arms around him, trying to figure out how this hug thing worked. I'd seen Akin hug Hannibal back like this. I just hoped it was right. The last time I took advice from someone showing affection, I did it wrong. When I put my arms around him, he seemed to cry harder, so I hesitantly pulled my arms away from him, but he quickly grabbed them and put them back.
"Your hug is perfect, Menoetius. Really," Arikos assured between sniffles. I sighed in relief. Thank the gods I was doing something right for once. I hugged Arikos for a while. It felt like almost an hour, just standing there, and it felt so nice. No wonder Hannibal hugged Akin so often. It felt like I was protecting him. Arikos fit so perfectly in my arms, like he was made to go there, and he felt so warm and gentle against my chest.
Hugs were amazing.
Arikos had just stepped back to wipe at his eyes again, taking a deep breath to calm himself, and I smiled, when the door to the room opened and I instantly tensed, looking up to see Hades walking in, decked out in black leather pants with studs up the outer seams and a black v-neck with a skull and crossbones design across the front.
Wow, talk about sucking the joy right out of the room.
Instantly my feelings of content were doused and I stared in alarm at the IV bag in Hades's hands.
"How are you even standing," Hades asked dryly, then paused dramatically, "Oh, right. I made your body that great, that's why. Now before you ruin it, get your ass back in bed. I didn't spend two hours trying to recreate your organs for nothing." I glared at him.
"You can have your body back," I said dryly, "It's been nothing, but trouble. Oh, and you can take that IV and shove it--"
"Menoetius," Arikos said gently, putting a hand on my arm, and I fell silent, frowning at Hades, who raised an eyebrow; Arikos turned to Hades, "Thanks, but he's really not feeling the IV right now. I was getting him to sit down when you came. You ever heard of knocking?" Hades snorted, as if the very idea of such a common courtesy was preposterous.
"Please," he retorted, "I rule this domain. I knock for no one. Nor do I heel for anyone. Now sit down and put the IV in."
"I thought this was Lucifer's domain," Arikos pointed out. Hades gave him a droll stare.
"He likes to tell people that, but really, I was the one who won the war. Now quit trying to distract me. If you're not going to take the IV, at least take some medication. I don't need another artificial bitching and moaning in my life. Cerberus is enough." I really did not like this god, but Arikos appeared amused by him as he smiled and approached Hades, holding his hand out for the medication. Hades rolled his eyes, reaching into his back pocket and taking out a bottle of pills that he pressed into Arikos's hand.
"Right, take all the fun out of it," he groused, then cut me an eerie blue-eyed stare, "Great, now I won't get to stab anyone with needles... Looks like I'll have to find Lucifer." He vanished before either of us could question his bizarre quest. Something told me Lucifer was even less likely to be okay with needles. I shuddered at the idea of such a strange relationship. And here I thought Akin and Hannibal had some weird habits.
"He's joking," Arikos told me as he handed me the pills, then paused to touch his chin thoughtfully, "I hope anyway. It's so hard to tell with those two. Anyway, here. These shouldn't be as bad as the IV. Just one every twelve hours, with food and water. And since you just woke up, you probably want something to eat." I shrugged.
"I don't eat much."
"I've noticed," Arikos said, then smiled, "But you should still eat. It makes it so you don't get as nauseous and dizzy when you take it. Come on, let's head to the kitchen. I'll whip something up for you."
"You don't have to."
"No," Arikos admitted, then smiled as he took my hand, "But I want to." I didn't know what to say to that, so I let him lead me out of the room carefully. My body still ached something awful, but I'd felt worse pain than this.
Like the fact that I couldn't let Arikos ruin his life because of me. I wanted to believe that things would be okay, but every time I felt like I was going somewhere good, something awful happened to remind me that having hope for something good was useless. In the end, I never got what I wanted and I had to accept that. It was like I told Atlan; life wasn't perfect. It never could be.
While I sat in the living room, waiting for Arikos to cook something to take my medication with, I tried to replay the events with Atlan in my mind, trying to find what Arikos was talking about when he said I was brainwashed. I had always thought torture was a way of brainwashing people.
I didn't feel brainwashed. I felt... cold. I felt like a traitor. I felt dirty. I had tricked Atlan into having sex for the sole purpose of getting a spell book to free Akin for Hannibal. I tried to convince myself it was worth it, and I would do it again if I could, but was it really all I could do? I'd felt so sure earlier, but now I questioned it.
At least I got something out of that whole chaotic mess.
I froze.
Shit.
The spell. The spell Atlan had promised to give me. The one Hades had created to kill a god without imploding the universe. I had stuck it in my robes, but I no longer wore those. Now I wore a pair of navy scrubs. Feeling a mild sense of panic, I tried to sit there and wait patiently for Arikos to bring my food. It took him another hour to come in and set the plate down on the table in front of me, sitting on the arm of the sofa.
"Arikos, my robes from before, and the jewelry..." My voice trailed and Arikos cocked his head thoughtfully, then nodded.
"I think Joxeia took them," he said. I felt sick again. If Joxeia had my robes, he had the spell. If he had the spell, he had the only assurance that I would at least get one thing I wanted when this whole war was all over, and suddenly, I felt tired, too tired to eat. I sat back on the sofa and stared up at the ceiling.
So that was it.
I was stuck here.
For eternity.