[EDITED: July 19, 2019]
TRIGGER WARNING:
Contains RAPE and VIOLENCE, so please read with caution.
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Name
nām/
noun
1. a word or set of words by which a person, animal, place, or thing is known, addressed, or referred to.
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(Y/N) was beautiful, intelligent, and brave; Every single trait leaving Erwin breathless. Unfortunately, she had no idea she allured him— an angel wrapped in Devil's silk. Her obliviousness truly would be his cause of death noted by autopsy.
Love had never been in the cards for him since humanity could never come second. He tried so hard to keep his eyes on the prize, but one conversation wrapped him in her wit. She kept him on his toes with their philosophical discussions and others before thyself nature. He constantly requested her to his office to engage in more pillow talk, and easily found himself falling for her further. She just had to be clueless.
In private, he insisted on her addressing him as "Erwin", and immediately loved the way it rolled off her tongue. He wished she would do it more often, but it would be inappropriate because they were not in a relationship. The fact that (Y/N) was a cadet probably would raise some heads too, yet that remained the least of his worries.
He feared that someone already held her heart, and perhaps that was the cause for her obliviousness. Of course, he didn't see her showing affection to anyone within the branch, but paranoia whispered that it could be someone back home. Nevertheless, he refused to let it faze him or disrupt his duties as Commander.
(F/N) Smith...
A shiver ran down her spine at the thought. The two names just blended together perfectly while also ridding her of the maiden name she couldn't run away from. Goosebumps rose along her skin with the recollection of her father. She felt nauseous remembering the horrible things he did to her. Unfortunately, nothing could erase those memories, not even the lovely image of her superior.
Nightmares of her father plagued her every night. Lately, the same one had been repeating itself, and it was the hardest one to rouse from.
"(Y/N), where are you?" Her father's voice called.
"My darling... Where are you hiding?" Her labored breaths easily gave away her position. He slowly crept toward the backside of the sofa and yanked her out by her hair.
"Found you!" He laughed. Pain tore through her scalp from his force causing her to scream in agony. He tuned out her noises of terror as he dragged her to his playroom.
"You know I love playing hide and seek." He grinned wickedly. The carpet started to burn against her body as she thrashed in his hold. The sadism within him lived for it. His laughter continued to echo down the halls until they reached his favorite destination.
"Now that we are here, you know what to do. Or would you like me to help you?" (Y/N) trembled— refusing to utter a word. A frown graced his countenance before replacing itself with a smile once he viewed it as an opportunity to strip her of her garments.
"You're such a good girl letting Daddy help you." He hooked one arm underneath her knees and the other around her back. Sobs racked her body as he laid her down on the mattress. She lost all drive to escape when his grimy hands lifted her pajama shirt. Her voice grew dry.
After a while, he had successfully removed their clothes, and she shut her eyes in disgust. The bed dipped around the weight of his hands that cased her in.
"You look just as beautiful as your mother." The torture lasted for an hour until he was satisfied.
"I love you, my baby girl." He hugged her and fell asleep. She desperately wanted to crawl away, and never have to return. The thought consumed her while his arm hung over her like a paperweight, and then the bed creaked and groaned as she fell through it.
(Y/N)'s hands reached out to grasp something, but only pitch back surrounded her as she descended. Her heart stopped— awaiting impact, but it never came. She gazed up to see Erwin expressing longing and worry whilst he cradled her body. His lips cautiously burned away the memory of her father by kissing every bruise and scar.
"I will make everything better... I promise."
She woke up in a cold sweat. Arms encased her figure, and soothing words flowed through her eardrums. Shifting her eyes, she saw Erwin calming her down, but she blinked too soon and he vanished. Tears welled in her eyes when reality came crashing down.
Erwin hadn't had much luck sleeping either. Panic attacks throttled him every hour it seemed. It closed his airway and slicked his skin with perspiration. His hands flailed beneath the sheets that appeared to tighten around him and threaten to choke him. He eventually found himself lying on the floor before his nerves subsided. A croak left his parched throat due to the pain his back received from the fall. Erwin cursed and struggled to his feet. He finally accepted sleep wouldn't visit him tonight, so might as well get the day started. His eyes flickered to the clock. Apparently, the day started at four in the morning. He sighed.
The pile of paperwork resting on his desk didn't look very inviting. His brows furrowed. Perhaps he could go back to bed and wonder if (Y/N) was sleeping soundly. An image of her passed out in one of his shirts suddenly flashed through his mind. He pictured him next to her while he held her close. His fingers lightly tracing shapes on to her bare thigh that found itself wrapped over his. Erwin's heart ached at the revelation of how badly he wanted to make his imagination reality.
However, she wasn't his to love. Especially if she didn't reciprocate his feelings, or worse, share them for someone else. He shook his head. Surely a little desire from a distance wouldn't hurt. He allowed himself to indulge thoughts of them together. It ranged from holding hands to small stolen kisses on his part. He imagined how perfectly her soft lips would mold with his. His fingers felt his at the idea. Butterflies swarmed within him.
Erwin absentmindedly slipped from his room all the way to hers. He raised his knuckles to alert her of his presence and immediately stopped. What was he thinking? He bashfully fled back to his office and collapsed in his desk chair. Short breaths passed his parted lips. Now he knew he couldn't trust himself to get lost in fantasies of her.
His eyes trailed to his pen, and he reached out to it. He figured distracting himself with work would be the best way to avoid thoughts of her. It barely worked. He found himself rereading the same page a couple of times, so he barely even made a dent in his workload after an hour or two. His frame leaned back in his chair at the realization before a slip of paper caught his gaze. Curiosity buzzed through his system as the paper greatly contrasted the official material of his forms.
Erwin grasped the wrinkled page. A note haphazardly blocked the handwriting adorning it.
Stumbled upon this juicy confession... Thought you'd like to see it! 😏
-Hanji
He laughed and set her note aside to view the paper beneath it.
Dear Erwin,
This is my hundredth attempt at writing this letter, not that you'd see it anyway due to my fear of rejection. Writing it out just makes the throbbing need ebb away slightly.
Sorry, my hands are shaking while my pen glides across this sheet. My handwriting probably reflects the tremors. I don't know why I'm so nervous. It's probably the paranoia that you will read this stupid letter, but that's just stupid. I mean, who in their right mind would search through my trash can? I'm stalling...
I'm just going to be spontaneous for once in my life. Here goes nothing.
All of our talks have caused me to become enthralled with every syllable that falls from your mouth. I couldn't imagine partaking in a stream of consciousness with anyone else.
Eventually, I began to wonder if I enjoyed your presence more than anything, and I realized that I no longer felt just a silly crush for my Commander. The feelings molded into craving your embrace and requited love.
Unfortunately, you will never place me on a pedestal as I have done with you... I would rather sacrifice myself to the creatures behind the wall than lose what we currently have though, so this one-sided affair will just have to suffice.
Lovingly Yours,
(Y/N)
Erwin's eyes widened in shock at the love letter. He reread the words over and over again, and every time his heartbeat increased in his ears. Had (Y/N) harbored these feelings along, and he had been the oblivious one? He struggled to comprehend the words inked in his central vision. Hanji couldn't be cruel enough to embarrass him, right? He shook his head since the handwriting was far from anything she could conjure up in her messy scrawl. The feeling of ecstasy coursed through him once more after deciding that it had to be true. Guilt crept underneath it from finding out she felt the same as a result of Hanji's snooping, but he refused to let it dampen his overall happiness.
His eyes flickered to the clock. He internally bounced with excitement that it was early enough to dress in his uniform and head to the mess hall. Anxiety surged through him once his mind processed what he was preparing to do. If it truly were a trick, he'd be devasted. He shuddered at revealing his heart only to have her laugh in his face, not that she would. Her kindness happened to be another thing he cherished about her.
The Commander styled his eyebrows and sorted out the rest of his appearance for the millionth time before finally exiting his room. His mind played through their interaction causing a smile to grace his countenance. He obviously hoped for the best.
Abruptly, he collided into something causing him to crash his train of thought. His quick reflexes caught the person he smacked into.
"I'm so sorry, Commander... I wasn't looking where I was going, and-"
"No worries, (Y/N), and please, call me Erwin." He smiled warmly and she visibly blushed. Questions raced through her as to why he would request it now since they weren't in the privacy of his room. However, he stood above her rank wise, so she nodded her head slowly. Her eyes darted to his muscled arms supporting her frame. She stared into his eyes in an attempt to inform him he could release her, yet he planned to pull her closer and never let her go.
Erwin's eyes broke their staring contest to flicker toward Levi's supply closet. He grinned at the thought of enclosing themselves within it as though they were school children. His back straightened as he allowed her to rise to her feet. A sigh of relief left her lips before sucking back in when his hand pulled her into the small space.
"Coman- I mean... E-Erwin? What are you doing?" The aforementioned man shut the door behind him. Their bodies practically touched within the cramped area, and she frantically avoided his gaze. His hand still grasped hers.
"I saw your letter... and I love you too." Her eyes glued to his blue ones. Her brain struggled to process his words before assuming it all to be a terrible prank when he continued to hold a heartfelt expression. She reached for the doorknob in panic, but he pressed his lips to hers in a last attempt to convince her. Her body tensed against his, but soon she accepted the kiss.
Eventually, the need for oxygen pulled them apart and their chests slowly rose and fell to consume it. (Y/N) looked up into his eyes and became incarcerated in a trance. He wanted to taste her lips every day.
"I thought you were kidding... I... l..." She trailed off and smiled sadly. Erwin grabbed her hand and placed it on his chest.
"(Y/N), this is what you do to me... My heart is beating so fast right now and it's because of how much I love you." Her eyes sparkled as she smiled softly.
"Erwin... I love you too, but I'm afraid I might be too broken to love anyone anymore... My father corrupted me— ruined my innocence, and I can't get that back. I don't think my heart can take any more heartbreak." She spoke quietly. His eyebrows furrowed in sadness.
"I... I'm broken too... Every day, a pile of dead comrades fills my nose with the stench of regret and woe, but I have to cover that with a cold stare. I can't let anyone see me breakdown because as Commander I must set an example for my soldiers." He took a deep breath, "Furthermore, I can't function when my heart stings with the impression you've left on me, but I am so close to making you mine. You are the piece that my machine needs." Her cheeks heated with a tinge of pink and she hugged him.
"I believe you also have the extra piece I need, Erwin because it seems the place where it goes has got your name engraved on it." Then she brought her lips to his once more to forever seal the bond between them.
To her, he could now be Erwin, not Commander, and, to him, she would be (Y/N), not cadet.