I glanced behind him and even in my shocked state, the ridiculous irony didn't escape me.
There, stretching across the entire length of the wall was the advert. The Azure blue sea, the sand, the 'have sex with me now eyes' and the not-so-subtly suggestive spear.
I glanced from him, to the billboard, and back again. This could not be happening. It was one of those moments that seemed orchestrated, and rehearsed. The billboard was perfectly placed and he was perfect. In fact, he was so damn freakishly perfect, that he looked like he'd been photoshoped and professionally lit and everything around him, the people, the airport and of course that billboard, were just a backdrop for an FHM shoot he was currently starring in. There must be cameras and photographers hiding somewhere.
I could see that all the women in the general vicinity thought the same thing. Several of them were gaping, and one husband hurried his wife away when she ran her tongue over her lips and looked like she was about to lick him like a giant lollipop.
Oh. My. God. No... no...he was moving in my direction. Quickly. Smiling. This was exactly like my dream and I couldn't stop my cheeks from turning crimson. Thank God we aren't capable of telepathy, because right now a phrase was running through my mind...
"Sex! Have sex with me. Airport sex with me... now!"
I turned around to see who he was walking towards, but there was no one standing behind me. Was he walking towards me? Strange waves of panicky-embarrassment almost knocked me off my big feet. He held his hand up and gave a tiny wave.
I turned around again to see if I'd maybe missed someone lurking behind me... but there was no one in sight.
He didn't walk either, no, he sort of strode. Prowled. Stalked. He looked like a man who was about to hunt something large, wrestle it to the ground with his bare hands and then make a key ring out of it while having sex with you now. And he was prowling in my direction. But with each approaching step I was becoming more and more nervous. This was what the awkward morning after must feel like, only it was imaginary sex and he didn't even know he'd had it with me. And I'd seen his penis.
I turned around quickly and started rummaging through my bag for my trusty sunglasses. I quickly put them on, this was something I did regularly when I wanted to disappear behind a screen and it also saved me having the inevitable, "Wow, what happened to your eyes?" conversation. I glanced back at him again... still walking towards me!
He was way too hot to be walking in my direction. I glanced around and I swear I sensed the shock reverberating off of all the cougars: why did he choose to come to me? I suddenly felt completely uncomfortable. I turned around and faced the opposite direction pretending to look off into the distance.
"Jane Smith?" The words were coated in a delicious accent and wafted towards me. His voice was even hotter in real life. I froze in panic. Why was he looking for me?
"Jane Smith? I'm here to fetch you, sorry I lost my sign, but I recognized you from your passport photo."
Act normal Jane. Act natural. Act...
I plastered a smile across my face and turned to face him trying my best impersonation of a casual person. Only it didn't work. Because in that moment, something terribly unfortunate happened.
I'd misjudged his closeness, the size of my bag, the wildness of my overcompensating swing... I'd misjudged everything. My bag collided with his arm, popped open, fell to the floor and vomited its contents everywhere. Things bounced and slid and skidded in various directions. But that wasn't the worst part.
I glanced down and to my absolute horror. Horrendous, horror of horrors, I saw it. And then another.
Two boxes of condoms. Boxes I'd never seen before in my life.
I feel like this is a good spot for some more backstory about my mother.
When I say my mother is a meddler, I really mean that. Whilst other mothers are telling their daughters not to be having sex, my mother is encouraging it. So adamant is she that I am incapable of finding myself a man and doing my own dating, that she has taken over my love life. She's even made me an online dating profile. Just the other day – she told me with great excitement - LonelyGuy28 sent me a smile and a photo request.
"Don't worry, though, I put your photo into that editor program and I shaved off at least a pound around your jawline. I also told him that you weren't into the kinky spanking stuff, but you weren't entirely vanilla either. Winky face."
I didn't even know what that meant?
She's always forwarding me interesting articles about "How to marry a man in 60 days" and pleasing him in bed. So these condoms were definitely her doing!
I watched in jaw dropping horror as the studded ones seemed to skid all the way across the floor until they were almost out of sight and the scented ones, well... lets just say those were the ones that caused all the issues. The little box skidded across the shiny polished floor until bang, it finally came to a complete stop next to his sexy sandaled foot.
I bit my lip. It was all I could do to stop myself from losing control and throwing up from the agony of sheer humiliation. I glanced down at the offending box that was touching his sandal. I stared at it, willing it to reverse across the floor and back into the bag. It did not.
I looked up at Man God to see if he had noticed it yet, and just as I did his eyes - those golden, greeny, dreamy, drown-in-me eyes, began to drift down, down, down. There was only one thing to do really, and it was in the vein of ripping the bandage off as quickly as possible.
So as fast as the limitations of the human body would allow, I threw myself down onto the floor and with trembling hands grabbed the box by his foot, bumping his big toe as I went. Then I stood up as gracefully as I could, although I suspected that any illusions of grace had already been shattered.
"Whew!" I exclaimed loudly and started fanning myself with my hand, "You know, it can often feel at least 2 to 5 degrees hotter inside than outside." I continued to fan myself and babble, "I'm quite thirsty. You know, the human body can lose about 1.5 liters of water during a three hour long flight." My eyes were flicking around for something to focus on and my brain was searching for something else to say. "You should really consider not wearing sandals, they can expose your feet to all kinds of bacteria and fungus, especially Staphylococcus... not that I'm saying you have a fungal infections or anything." Oh God! Any attempt at acting cool was completely shattered!
The man God standing in front of me smiled. It was a slow, curious smile. "I'll definitely consider that next time I put my shoes on." He sounded strangely amused with me, through a thick accent with surprisingly good English.
"Sorry." I said in a defeated manner.
"No worries! Welcome to beautiful Santorini" he suddenly said cheerfully. His smile got even bigger. Dimples sprung to life in his cheeks. God, he was hot. He totally terrified me. And made me completely nauseous.
"You're going to fall in love with it."
"Huh? With what?"
"The island. Santorini is the island of love, where anything and everything is possible." He flashed me another killer smile. "You're never going to want to leave."
His mobile phone rang, and he gave me a polite smile before answering it. He walked away a little and started chatting. It gave me a moment to really look at him. He was taller than me, which was always a good sign. His hair was a sun kissed brown with flecks of golden blond in it. It was shoulder length and tussled perfectly. Normally I was completely turned off by long-haired men that looked like they spent too much time on the beach surfing and posturing in front of a mirror. But not him. He was the kind of guy I could see many women being completely caught off guard by.
"But I'm happily married, he's fifty years younger than me, I'm a lesbian for heaven sake!"
I could also finally see his eyes. His irises were a pale green color, not your standard green however, but a green that looked like it had been mixed with a dollop of gold. The mesmerizing green-gold got darker as it radiated outwards towards the outer edge where the color transformed into an almost black. His eyes were long and slanting and they had a half closed quality to them, smoldering bedroom eyes that oozed sex.
"Have sex with me now. Sex, sex, sex."
I was staring. I could feel my jaw starting to slack. I had to try and snap out of it, but it was obvious that he gave off some sort of invisible scent or pheromone that was intoxicating to women. Like a silent dog whistle that only dogs could hear. Perhaps he was some kind of practitioner of the dark arts who wore purple velvet cloaks in the forest at night, carried around chalices and cast spells over the entire 3.5 billion women on the planet. He hung up and walked over to me again and I slammed my mouth shut.
I was so glad I had glasses on and he wasn't able to see the pure unadulterated lust in my eyes.
"Sorry about that," he said as he bent down to pick up my bag. "Shall we?"
"Shall we what!?" it came flying out of my mouth, and as soon as it did, I realized how off the mark I was. I had been so busy thinking bad thoughts that my mind was firmly in the gutter.
"Go. Shall we go Jane?"
"Sure." But just as we started walking out of the airport, a man intercepted us. He stretched his hand out and my heart plummeted.
"I think you dropped this." He was holding the box of condoms.
I shook my head. Hard. "Nooo. Not mine, never seen them before," which was actually the honest to God truth. The man gave me a little knowing wink and turned the box over in his hand. Oh God, what was that? It looked like my mother had pinned a little note to it. He opened it and read.
Jane, in case you decide to let your hair down. Mom X
I nodded and forced a laugh. "Mothers, hey!"
The man turned to Man God, he said something to him in Greek and handed him the box.
"Oh! No..." I gestured frantically from Man God to me and shook my head, "We're not, I mean I would never. It's not like that at all... its..." the man gave me one more amused look before walking away.
I looked over at Man God, he was holding the box of condoms in his hand with a strange smile plastered across his face.
"Jane, here's a condom and have sex with me. Have sex with me now!"
He extended his hand to me, the bright red box of condoms almost glinting in the overhead lights. Nothing else to do really. I grabbed them from him as indignantly as I possibly could and plunged them into my bag.
I was going to kill my mother for this! Or maybe this was one of those incidents I would laugh about in years to come. "Remember the time... hahahah."
I doubted it.