*Self harm trigger warning*
Alec's POV
The world was black and cold and scary. I was falling. My brain wasn't working properly so I just got flashed of memories, of Magnus. He was smiling and laughing and kissing me and I was laughing and then, he was gone. Now it was just bleak and grey and I was drowning. Jace got engaged to Clary. Simon finally made the first move. But I was all alone.
The harsh light snapped me awake.
I heard crying, Magnus's crying. It took some effort but I pried my eyes open to look at him. His back was to me and I wanted to reach out to him. All I could do was push up on my elbow.
"Magnus?" I croaked out reaching for his shirt tail. He whipped around wide eyed and sniffling. "Magnus, love, why are you crying?"
He cried out and I suddenly was scared.
"Alexander?!" he yelled cupping my cheeks. I laughed and grabbed his wrists.
"Yes that is my name. Are you ok? Why are you crying?"
He lets out a heart wrenching sob and tackled me right there, his legs around my hips and his hands pressing to my neck. "Alec, Alec, oh my darling Alexander!"
"Yes that's me. Magnus what is going on?" I whispered trying to soothe his ragged breathing. His face is warm and wet on my cheek but he has no intention of moving.
"What happened here?" Jace's voices sounds from the door and Magnus looked up with tears on his cheek. I gently wipe them away.
"H-he remembers...." he breathed and my confusion deepened. Izzy gasps-Izzy is here now-and runs over. There so much going on.
I was so confused but no one was explaining anything. Eventually I had trembling Magnus wrapped around me and Jace by my other side talking to Izzy. I'm sitting up. Magnus looks numb now. I think he might fall asleep. It run my fingers gently through his hair and his eyes flick to me. My heart skips a beat as I stare into those big sad amber eyes.
"... Magnus what happened..." I breath and both Jace and Izzy turned to look at us. Magnus looks so upset again I wished I hadn't asked but I want to know, I need to know why he's crying so hard. He shakes his head and I shift to cup his cheeks. "Magnus please I need to know what's going on."
He looks at me then sighs and sits up moving so he's sitting in my lap, which is sort of comical considering all his lanky limbs and stuff but I don't mind. He's lighter than usual.
"... A year ago..." My heart is already sinking. A year? "You and Jace attacked a greater demon..."
"Y-yeah I remember that" I nod sitting up more.
"Well you fell and hit your head and I-I... Y-you forgot all about me"
My stomach flips and I furrow my eyebrows. "I-is that were you've been?"
"What do you mean Alec?" Jace chimes in putting a hand on my shoulder.
"Well I remember everything. The demon and all that. But when I woke up Magnus, you weren't there... For some reason I didn't question it..."
Magnus looked down squeezing his eyes shut tightly. I put a hand on his cheek and he takes in both of his kissing my palm. It absolutely breaks my heart.
I pull him down onto my chest and hold him close tucking him under my chin. Usually it's the other way around but I can't bear to see him so sad. Jace pats my back and looks at Magnus whose hiding against me. I can see the shaking of his shoulders.
"Jace... It's late..." Izzy said standing up. "I really think they need some time..."
Jace looked at me apprehensively but gave in and stood up. They both planted a kiss on the top of my head and walked out. Jace would cast worried glances at me to which I just nod a little. The door shut.
And Magnus let out a gut wrenching sob and gripped my shirt with both hands. I rubbed his back trying to soothe him but he pushed me away swilling at his eyes angrily. He got, his hands sparking and lighting up with fire making me worried. He sometimes got mad like this. Usually the loft on fire. He brought his fist up as if he was going to swing but I ran forward and grabbed his wrist gently. The fire vanished. And my hand entwined with his. I was a little dizzy but Magnus had a tight grip on my hand and my heart. He was broken and I was going to fix him.
Magnus POV
I almost blew up the house.
Again.
Usually Cat could tell if I was close to my breaking point and would come over to calm me but now I had such warm and familiar fingers wrapped around my wrist holding onto me tightly. And I fell. To my knees. To my end. To my Alec. I couldn't do this without him. I needed him to hold me again so when he fell with my and yanked me into his arms I went limp against his chest. Everything in my body felt... Broken. And lost. And confused. "I'm so sorry Alec...."
He just hushed me and ran his fingers gently through my hair. "It's ok Magnus. It wasn't your fault."
"I lost you" I whispered back but he shook his head.
"I'm right here... Right here Magnus... I'm not leaving."
—
It was early in the morning. I was numb with pain and sleep when I stirred awake. I wasn't sure where I was or what was going on. I didn't remember much of last night. I must have been drunk. I got up and passed out to the kitchen to make so food. The house was empty. My brain was mush. I need coffee. Just as it dinged to tell me it was done I heard a crash from the bathroom. Chairmen yowled and jumped up onto the counter. I ignited my fire cautiously. Probably someone left over from the party. I'd just go kick them out.
I sighed and padded back to the bedroom. I rounded the corner and saw a very horrified Alexander. Suddenly it all came flooding back to me.
Alec POV
It took a while but I finally got whimpering Magnus to bed. I'm pretty sure he was a little drunk but that's ok. The feeling was still very valid. It was early and I was starving. I kissed Magnus's temple and walked out to the kitchen. I was in only a T-shirt and boxers which felt so nice. I felt at home in our lift once more and it made my heart skip a beat. Chairmen brushed my leg lovingly and I reached down cradling the soft cat. His white fur brushed my skin and he purred loudly in my ear as he nudged my face with his nose. "Hey Chairmen" I whispered into the quiet night. I think it was about six so I guess the quiet morning.
I stood in the kitchen drinking some orange juice and feeding Chairmen bits of leftovers deep in thought. I don't want to go back there just yet. Magnus is having a break down worth the two of us so I don't feel like crying I just feel like thinking. I need to calm down I guess.
I forgot Magnus.
The one I loved dearer in this world then anyone else and I for got him completely. I felt dirty like I had done something wrong and it weighed me down greatly. My stomach hurt with the effort to push away these thought.
I forgot Magnus.
I forgot.
I almost walked out. I almost left Magnus again, I had my coat on. I had my pants on. But then I stopped.
The sun was rising through the huge windows that paneled an entire wall. It was so bright and happy and hopeful. Today was a new day, it was a day that I completely remember Magnus and I completely had the capabilities to help him so I shed my coat.
It was the perfect hour to take a nice long bath. When he woke up maybe Magnus would join me. I smiled softly at the thought.
The room was warm and peaceful when I padded in. Magnus was on his stomach still sleeping peacefully so I planted a kiss on his cheek and went into the bathroom. There was shifting behind the door but I didn't think much of it. Magnus was probably waking up. I turned the bath on and began searching for my lovely boyfriends incredibly expensive bubble bath solution in the drawers. I felt like a bubble bath.
I pulled open the top drawer, spotting a piece of crumpled up paper and picked it up. Beside it was a wash clothe wrapped around something... Bloody. My stomach dropped and I quickly opened up the paper to see my worst fear.
A suicide note.
To whom it may concern,
I'm dead. Don't cry over me please I wouldn't have wanted it that way. Take care of Chairmen. Tell the shadowhunters they can have my loft. Well I mean Jace and Clary and Izzy and my darling Alexander.
To Alexander. I know you won't even realize what all this means, why I'm dead, why it has to do with you but please if you ever remember me know it's not your fault. I could never live in a world without you and I have reached my breaking point. So I'm sorry. I love you.
Goodbye.
Sincerely, Magnus Bane high warlock of nothing important.
I grip the counter shaking in fear. How could things then so wrong so fast? I hear a crash and I think it's my fist on the mirror. I wanted to destroy this paper. I want to burn, rip, tear, and shake this feeling out of Magnus. I never imagined-suicide? Had it really gotten that bad?
"Alec?" came Magnus confused and soft voice from behind me. I whirl around clutching the note and he pales slowly. The fire that I just now notice around his hands fizzles out and he steps back. "A-Alec it's not what you think"
"HOW COULD YOU EVEN-SUICIDE MAGNUS?!? You were going to DIE?!" I'm hysterical I know. I storm over and he flinches back. I suddenly realize what I'm doing. This is not the right approach at all. He's sobbing softly arms over his face and I gently pull them down. He looks at me sadly as I slowly unbutton his shirt and slid it off. It my turn to sob and cover my mouth.
"Magnus... W-why would you-"
"I had not other option!" He cried stepping back again. "I had no idea what to do without out you!!"
"Magnus shh it's ok I'm not-I'm not blaming you" I gently take his wrist. The red lines cover his chest and arms looking almost like marker on his skin. I wanted to take a wet clothes and wipe them away but I know it'll do nothing for these. He looks numb at his feet. I tilt his chin up to look at him. "Please... Tell me why"
"I had tried everything to get you back and nothing worked. I didn't have anyone else to go to and I couldn't move on" he whispered looking away but I gently tilting his head back.
"Magnus... Magnus my love you never have to feel that way... I'm here ok? I'm here..." What else can I say? What else can I do? I can't do anything. It makes me feel helpless.
I did the one thing I could think of. I cupped his cheeks and pulled his lips closer.
His tense muscles fell soft and he wrapped his long arms around me. "It's ok Magnus... It's ok" I whispered gently as I rubbed my thumb on his cheek bone.
He rested his head on my shoulder. I tugged him gently into the bathroom. "Come on. We are going to take a bath tighter ok?"
He nodded and let my pull off his pants.
—
"I'm sorry" he whispered from his spot against my chest. The bath water steamed gently around us and I merely kissed his cheek as an answer. I was here to protect my Magnus Bane. I wasn't going to stop now.
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Hey guys so pretty upsetting chapter but it was a flipping 2000 words so that's pretty awesome. Anyways I'M BACK!! Love you all!