One Love- Marianas Trench
I fall to heap on my floor as soon as I shut the door, my whole body shaking. How I managed to hold myself together the whole taxi ride home, I have no idea. The tears flow freely as by body shakes with loud sobs. I'm so confused. So fucking confused. How can I like two guys at the same time? How can someone's heart be torn into two different directions? How is that fair? It's not. It's not fair at all. It's a joke, really. Someone was playing a cruel joke on me.
There was Harry, someone who came into my life when I needed him the most. Who helped me open my eyes and pushed me to get the help I needed. He is gentle and kind and the strongest man I know. He speaks his mind and isn't afraid to be himself. He's talented, with both music and photography. His personality is addicting. His laugh and smile is addicting. He makes me smile and laugh. I get butterflies every time he looks at me, every time he says my name. My heart races from his touch. His touch sets me on fire. Every gentle brush of his fingers, every brush of his lips against my skin, ignites something in me, making me feel alive. I loved that. It's what I looked for in a realationship, that compatibility, that attraction. I realize now that ending things with him was a terrible mistake. That I should have been stronger and found a way to manage being in a long distance relationship, because he was worth it. Harry is everything I look for in a man. Everything I've ever wanted. I should have fought for us. Now it was too late. He's moved on and is with Michelle now. Just like I'm with Evan.
Evan. We haven't know each other for very long and things may be moving along a little fast, but he's a great guy. He is funny and makes me laugh, he's sweet and caring. He's strong, overcoming something as big as drug addiction. We have a lot in common. His kiss or touch didn't set my body on fire like Harrys did, but I could live without that. My heart still races and my stomach flips whenever he looks at me. I loved getting to know him and spending time with him. He wasn't a bad second choice. I wouldn't exactly feel like I was settling for him. I hate saying 'second choice'. I would hate being someone's second choice.
I know Harry still has feelings for me, the way he looked tonight and the things he said proved it. I could tell by the desperate look in his eyes. If we didn't have to factor in other people's feelings, I would have told him right then and there that I want to be with him. That I was still crazy about him. I know Evan and I are just starting this relationship and if I left him now, it may not hurt him too bad, but I would feel horrible. He's been so nice to me, showing me around, helping me become accustomed to such a huge life change. I felt a connection with him, a small one, but one that could be the start of something bigger. It just didn't feel fair to me. Harry and Michelle have been together a lot longer, it will most likely hurt Michelle a lot more if Harry were to break up with her. How is it right, that Michelle has to lose a great guy because some girl from the states showed up one day and stole her boyfriend away? I'd be devastated if the situation was reversed.
If this makes me crazy and stupid, than so be it. I will put everyone else's feelings before my own. It's how I've always been. Maybe I'm weak. I don't know. I do know that I can't hurt Evan and even Michelle.
I push myself up off the ground, wiping under my eyes. My face felt puffy and hot, the results of crying myself dry. I strip off my clothes as soon as I get to my bedroom. I start the shower, letting the water warm up before stepping in. The hot water helped soothe my tight muscles and helped me relax a little. When I was finished I dried off and pulled some leggings and a loose shirt, climbing in bed immediately. My phone has been going off for the past hour but I don't want to look at it. I make sure my alarm is set and I close my eyes and try to sleep.
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Harry's POV
I'm a mess. A complete mess. Instead of going straight home from the restaurant I decide to take a walk. I shouldn't have let her leave like that. I should have gone after her and begged her stay. To be with me. I missed just being in her presence, to be able to see her smile or hear her laugh. I was surprised she even agreed to go to dinner with me, considering she's been doing everything she could to avoid me. Somehow we kept running into each other though. I took that as a sign. It's got to be.
I knew she was always careful of other people's feelings, always putting everyone before herself, and I respected that and I see where she's coming from when she said it's not fair to Michelle and Evan, I even said it wasn't fair. But I can't help but think how unfair it is for Abby and I as well. We are ignoring our wants and our needs. We are going against everything our heart is telling us it wants.
I know she wants to be with me, I saw it in her eyes when she looked at me and how hurt she looked talking about Michelle. She was fighting it, ignoring her heart, just to save Evans feelings from getting hurt. I'd be concerned about Michelle's feelings, I am a little, but we've been having issues and I hate to say it, but I don't think she would be all that effected if I were to break up with her.
I feel so confused. Like I feel that pull towards Abby, something I felt the first night I met her, but I feel almost this obligation to Michelle, to stay with her and try and fix things. She's done a lot to help me open A&H and during the beginning of our relationship she did try and help me out of the funk I was in after losing Abby. Michelle and I were doing fine until I got busy with work and had to stay late at work some nights, she got frustrated because I never made time for her. Then it got to where she thought I was cheating on her. I hated that she kept accusing me of something she knows I'd never do and I hated that she didn't trust me. I almost broke up with her a few weeks ago when she went off on me about cheating on her, but then I thought that if I actually tried hard enough and didn't drown myself in work to drown out my thoughts, she wouldn't be questioning my faithfulness. If it wasn't for my hesitance in giving all of myself, she wouldn't be feeling betrayed.
All I can do right now if respect Abby's wishes and just hope that maybe one day she will finally put her own needs before others and realize that her and I are meant to be together. We wouldn't have met like we did, or formed that strong connection that we did, or go through that unnecessary break up just to brought together when we are both in new relationships. I have to believe that in the end, we will end up together. And until that happens, I will focus on Michelle and try to be the man she deserves, even if I can't give her all of my heart. As terrible as that makes me seem.
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Abby's POV
Work went by rather quickly considering I felt like I've been run over by a truck. I hardly slept last night, tossing and turning, unable to shut my mind off. Luckily I had enough to keep me busy at work so I never got a chance to get stuck in my head again. I didn't see Harry today, he actually had someone he works with bring up the photos for my article. I'm not going to deny the pang of hurt I felt in my chest. I know that this is for the best and I shouldn't feel anything but it's hard not too, no matter how hard I try.
Evan and I had plans to go out to dinner when he got done at A&H, which should be in about an hour. I felt horrible after waking up and seeing all the missed calls and text from him. He was worried when I didn't text him back, he thought something go happened to me. His concern only make me feel even more guilty.
Once I get home from work I take a quick shower, blow dry my hair and apply some light makeup before sliding on a pair of black skinny jeans, rolling up the pants until just above my ankle, and a teal top, throwing on a black blazer over that. I'm tying up my white converse when the doorbell rings.
"Come in!" I call out, hearing the door open a second later. I check myself in the mirror real quick, running my fingers through my hair.
"Hey gorgeous," Evan says, knocking on my open bedroom door.
"Hey!" I smile at him as he walks over to me, kissing my lightly on my lips.
"Are you ready to go?" He reaches up and brushes some hair our of my face, lightly brushing my cheek with the tips of his fingers. Instead of making my heart race, it made it ache, guilt eating away at me. I felt terrible that twenty four hours ago I was having dinner with Harry when Evan thought I was having dinner with someone from work, someone who I'm positive he thinks is a female coworker.
"Ready." I give him a small smile and grab my bag, letting him lead me out of my apartment.
The drive to the restaurant was awfully familiar, which was weird because I've only been here a week so I haven't gotten to know to many places. When we pull up to the restaurant I know why it looked so familiar and my stomach drops.
"Mario's is the best Italian place around, you are going to love their food," Evan explains as he tries to find a parking spot.
That's why the ride over looked so familiar, I made the same ride over in a taxi just last night. To have dinner with Harry. FML.
Is this some cruel joke? Is the universe like trying to see me crumble?
Evan must have seen the panicked look in eye because he rests his hand on my thigh, turning a little so he's facing me. "Are you alright?"
"Oh yeah. It's just that I came here last night," I say, feeling a little uneasy. I see Evan furrow his eyebrows, looking torn as to what to do. "But I loved the food and wouldn't mind trying more of it," I smile weakly. What the heck am I doing? What if we get the same waitress? Or if the hostess recognizes me? They are going to think I'm a cheater or a slut.
"Are you sure, we can go somewhere else," Evan suggest, looking out the window, looking down the street for another restaurant. I place my hand on his that was resting on his thigh.
"I'm sure," I smile more convincing this time.
"Alright, let's go then," he smirks and turns to get out of his car. I get out and meet him by the front of his car. I take his hand and we want in.
I don't even dare to look up when I hear the familiar voice of the hostess. She even fumbles her words a little and that's when I look up. Recognition dawns on her face as she sees me, making my stomach drop even more. This is going to be awkward. I should have just agreed to go somewhere else. She has us follow her, turning around, but not before shooting me a judging glare.
Once again I am brought to the back of the restaurant, and once again I am seated at the same exact table Harry and I were at the night before. The hostess did this on purpose, I know it and she confirms it when she places our menus in from of us and gives me an evil smirk. I deserve it. It's punishment for lying and being a horrible person.
"So what did you have last night?" Evan asks, making me jump a little for some reason.
"Um, the chicken Alfredo," I tell him, opening up my menu with shaky hands.
"That's good. You should try the lasagna, it's amazing," he glances at me from over the top of his menu, his eyes crinkling in the corners so I know he's smiling.
"That's what I will have then," I chuckle, setting my menu back down.
Our waitress comes up to our table just then and her eyes widen and her smile fades when she notices me and sees a different man sitting across from me. I get it, I'm a terrible person, I don't need the judgmental stares. We give her our orders for our drinks and food.
"It's like a different restaurant back here. This is where they send the couples," he chuckles. I figured that out last night. "The owner told me once that he feels couples need to be in a romantic setting when they are on dates to make them feel closer, or something like that," he laughs as he shakes him.
"That's sweet. So you know the owner?" I ask, changing the subject, feeling on edge. I glance around the restaurant, seeing it fairly full. There were a few couples back with us. I kept a feeling like I was being watched, like everyone was staring at me like they knew what I did. Great, now I was paranoid.
"Yeah, a little. I used to come here a lot when i was in school. The food is fairly cheap and its really good," he explains, taking a sip of his beer.
"I see," I smile. I pick at my nails, looking around the place again. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about last night. How I sat here with Harry, talking about our relationship, or non relationship, and how we ended things. I give my head a mental shake and try focusing on Evan, who's saying something about getting a new car?
"....was thinking of trading it in." He's looking at me, waiting for me to have some sort of input but I'm so confused, I didn't hear anything he was talking about.
"Don't you like your car?" I asked hesitantly. He frowns a little before speaking again.
"Yeah, I do, but like I said, I am getting bored of it and want a change," he tells me for what I'm guessing is the second time.
"Oh right, sorry. You haven't had it too long though, it looks brand new," I point out.
"It is, I've had it for six months or so," he tells me right before our food was brought to us. I take a bite of food before saying anything. This lasagna was really good and I let out an appreciative sigh. "Good isn't it?" Evan asks, taking a bit of his own lasagna.
"Very," I take a sip of my wine. "So, six months? That's not a very long time to have a car, are you really bored with it already?"
"Yeah, I get bored easily I guess, always looking to change things up," he tells me, digging into his food. If he gets so bored and wants change so soon with something like his car, makes me wonder what else he gets bored with easily. We haven't really talked about past relationships much, so I'm wondering if he's been in a lot, getting bored and moving on easily. The thought doesn't sit well with me.
"Well, I guess if you have the money to do that," I tell him, not wanting to ask about his past relationships tonight, I've already had one intense conversation in this restaurant already, I don't want another one quite so soon.
"Exactly! See, I'm glad you get it. All the other girls I've dated thought I was nuts and nagged me about it," he laughed. Girls? Plural, making it clear he's had more than one. But how many, exactly? Now I'm curious. Forget not wanting an intense conversation.
"Girls huh? How many girls have you dated?" I looking over at him through my lashes, trying to act normal and not suspicious.
"Well," he takes a drink of his beer, setting it down and wiping his mouth with his napping, seeming like he's buying time, "I've actually dated a lot, probably too much." He looks at me all worried, gauging my reaction.
"A lot? As in like 10?" I asked, shocked.
"Maybe a little more," he tells me quietly.
"Why so many? You don't come across as someone who just plays girls," I tell him, not bothering to hid the shock and disappointment I was feeling.
"That's not it, I'm not just jumping around from girl to girl because I feel like it. I would never do that. I've just dated a lot because I was trying to find someone I actually connected with," he explains, grabbing my hand from across the table, "I'm not using you if that's what you're worried about. I really like you Abby."
I look at him for a minute, debating if I should believe him or not. He's never really given me a reason to not trust him, and he does seem like he's telling the truth. I guess I'm going to give him the befit of the doubt.
"I like you too Evan," I smile at him, feeling him squeeze my hand.
Evan jumps into a story about work and I find myself drifting off and zoning out. I really didn't want to be just another girl to him or another 'notch in his bedpost' so to speak. I know he's given me no reason to doubt him or question his feeling toward me, he's seemed genuine and like he really does like me. I guess I will just see how we progress and see if anything else comes up that makes me question his motives. Hopefully it doesn't come back and bite me in the ass.
Harry never made me question his feeling or question anything about him. Even though he was kind of mysterious at times, he was also very easy to read. Like you could tell how caring he was and how much family meant to him just with the gentle and loving way he spoke about his mother and sister. He listened to you like you were the only person in the room, giving you all of his attention. He spoke so sure of himself and never made you doubt anything he said. I hate that I was comparing Harry and Evan, again, but I couldn't help it. They were so different, and I hated how I couldn't read Evan like I could Harry, that trying to figure out who Evan really was challenging at times. I know enough about him, the basic stuff, some personal stuff, enough to know I like him, and like who he is, but I feel like there's more and I haven't figured it out yet.
"Abby? Abby?!" A hand waves in front of my face and I jump.
"I'm sorry, what was that?" I say really quick, feeling my cheeks heat from embarrassment.
"Are you alright? You seem a little off tonight. I was just telling you this long story about work and you just sort of zoned out. I hope I wasn't boring you to much," he asks me, looking worried. He wouldn't feel so worried if he knew what I was thinking about about. I had to think of something quick.
"I um, yeah sorry. I'm still kind of homesick and I talked with my mom the other day and it just kind of made it a little harder I guess," I tell him, which wasn't exactly a complete lie, I did actually talk with my mother. The homesickness wasn't as bad as it was a few days ago, I'm getting better at dealing with that.
"I'm really sorry Abby," he frowns a little and I feel so guilty, "I'll pay and then we can get you home." He tells me, raising his hand to get the waitresses attention.
Soon we were driving back to my apartment. I stayed quiet the whole way, resting my head against the cool glass of the window as we drove. I felt Evans hand on my thigh, his thumb rubbing back an forth in a soothing motion. I felt terrible for lying to him again but I just really didn't want to ruin what we have started, over some thing that wasn't going to work out. Or what I think won't work out. I don't want to hurt Evan.
Evan leans in a places a small kiss to my lips as I stand in my door way. I don't offer for him to come inside, instead I tell him im tired and just feel like going to bed. He didn't question it, just told me to have a good night and to get some rest and promised to text and call me tomorrow. I lean up on my toes and kiss him again, lingering for a second before lowering myself back down on the floor. We say our goodnights and I watch him walk back down the hall to the elevator. I shut the door after he got on the elevator and I placed my forehead against the closed door, closing my eyes and letting out a frustrated sign.
I'm so confused.
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Sorry for the long wait and the kind of sucky chapter. I've been sick and my daughter has been extra energetic the last few days so I've been going nonstop. And I have a feeling that it's going to get a little harder to update as much as I do now, after the next couple weeks, maybe sooner. The lady I take care of isn't doing well at all and I'm not sure how much longer she has :( so I will most likely be getting another job after she passes and I'm not sure if I'll have the free time to write like I do now at work. So I'll be left with just writing when my daughter is sleeping. And..... Things are finally getting started on our house, and it should be built a lot quicker than I had thought, so I need to start packing and getting the house we live in now ready incase we have anyone look at it. So I'm going to be busy busy busy! But I will try and write as much as I can and try and finish this before all this starts! So bare with me please!!
I really appreciate all the votes and the comments, I really do, they mean so so so much to me. It's such a great feeling knowing that there are people who actually like what I'm writing and getting the reactions I'm getting are more than I could have hoped for, so thank you so much!!!! I love all you guys!
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