28. How to Train Your Dragon
Fire is breathing. Breathing is life. Fire is life.
Zuko repeated Uncle's words in his head over and over again like a mantra, but for some reason he didn't feel any wiser for it. This was nothing new to him. His first fire bending instructor, a strict old woman who, Zuko was convinced to this day, hated his guts, had told him more or less the same thing.
Zuko sighed and opened his eyes. He almost wished an unknown foe would suddenly jump at him from the forest stretching on all sides of their camp but, so far, no such luck.
When Uncle had told Zuko he had some ideas on how to train his new skill, the Prince hadn't known what to expect, but he certainly hadn't guessed boredom would play a part. His life had lately been so hectic he barely had time to catch his breath between all the running and fighting. Perhaps that was why he had expected that learning how to turn into a dragon would happen right away or not at all.
Which was, in retrospect, a really dumb presumption.
Zuko wasn't outright bad at firebending but he had always been a slow study (especially in comparison to his sister, and people always made that comparison). Studying bending was small part talent but mostly just bitter work, and it seemed learning this would be no different.
Uncle was convinced that, like so often in bending, controlling one's emotions was the key to mastering this new art. Something about being in balance with himself and the universe. Which in practice, it turned out, primarily meant meditation exercises. And, although Zuko was in no ways a quitter, he was starting to have doubts about whether they were going about this the right way.
Yes, the Prince knew learning new bending techniques took time. He understood the need to be thorough and careful. Still, Zuko had been breathing and meditating in an empty patch of wood for over five days and there hadn't been so much as a strange, inhuman sensation, let alone an actual transformation. Five days and there wasn't a single scale or whisker in the way of progress.
Their camp was a good day's travel from the Colony where they'd left their ship. Uncle had insisted that they take every precaution they could think of, so they had traveled on their ostrich-horses through wilderness so long that there really was no plausible way they could come across anyone here. Uncle had wisely advised Zuko to pack at least a week's supply of food for the both of them, and that really should have been the Prince's first clue that this was going to take a while.
They couldn't take along all of their earthly possessions. Or, to be more exact, Zuko probably could have but Iroh most certainly could not. They had instead used Uncle's position and influence to request the Home Guard of the Colony to look after the ship. It was, after all, the guard's duty to keep crime low in the Colony, so making sure no one raided a now vacated Fire Nation ship was not only their duty but a matter of pride.
Zuko was pretty sure that even if he ever lived to be as old as Iroh, he would never learn to be as eloquent and persuasive.
Anyway, with little luck, their ship would still be waiting for them once they returned. Whether they returned because Zuko had already learned all he needed to learn or because they ran out of food was still up in the air. Considering he had an affinity to mind-reading, too, and it had still taken him years to come to grips with that art, there was a good chance it would be the latter.
Still, maybe this would be different. Although Zuko had never transformed on purpose, he had still done so successfully twice already and had had a noticeable control over his new powers once he was a dragon. This didn't seem to be so much about gradual improvements as it was about difficulties in getting started. Once he actually got the gist of triggering the transformation, it should be smooth sailing from there on. Or so Zuko at least hoped.
On Zuko's first time round, the transformation had been almost instantaneous. Same in Pohuai Stronghold. Both times he'd been very emotional, mostly desperate, but they still weren't the only times in his life he had felt threatened or cornered. So what was the common factor? What was it that he wasn't getting?
Zuko sighed again and broke his meditation stance. He walked to the edge of the field where they had set up their tent, finding Uncle fully occupied in brewing a pot of tea over a camp fire.
"This isn't working", Zuko began without a preamble, "I already know how to breath properly. I really do. We are not doing this right."
Uncle took a deep breath before turning to face Zuko, calmly allowing: "It is possible you are right. Although I still believe the key is in emotional balance, I can in no ways be sure. The talent you are attempting to master is unprecedented. I am, by no means, the most qualified person to teach you something I do not and could not know myself."
"Unfortunately, the only original fire benders I know of live on the other side of the world. Even if we did somehow manage to find a means of transportation to get us to Fire Nation, it would not be safe. If you were caught returning against the terms of your banishment, you would be imprisoned."
Zuko knew Uncle was right. They had had this conversation before. Still, he was tired of all the waiting. So tired he would have just about preferred a crazy daring trip to meet the dragons over tedious and fruitless meditation. He wanted to either do something or at the very least be on the way to do something.
"You know, previously when I turned, it was due to circumstances. Due to having to get the power working because it was the only way out. Maybe we should try to make me feel like that and..."
"No", Iroh cut Zuko off before even properly hearing him out, "It may be that necessity ignites the transformation automatically as a safety measure, but that can hardly be called a controlled and conscious process the like of which we are hoping to achieve. It should not have to come to a life-threatening situation before you feel able to change your form."
Uncle poured two cups of tea and offered the other to his nephew, gesturing for him to take a seat next to him by the fire. Grudgingly, Zuko obliged.
He didn't feel like wasting more time over something as trivial as a tea break, but it wasn't like running head-first to go practice some more had worked any better so far. He had come here to talk to Uncle, hadn't he? So maybe he should talk.
Iroh let Zuko wait a while longer before continuing their conversation. "So, you do not feel that our current approach to your studies is the right one. Why do you suppose that is?"
Zuko hadn't expected a question. Usually, when training firebending, Uncle just told him how he was supposed to do it, and then he tried and tried until he got it right. Zuko was rather advanced a bender, but not a master, so it really wasn't his place to decide how to best teach anyone, even himself.
Then again, this wasn't an average bending practice. When it came to dragons, Iroh and Zuko were almost equally knowledgeable. When it came to transforming into a dragon, Zuko was the only one of them with first-hand experience. So he thought the question over.
"I'm... I don't know", he finally said, "I just... I alreadyknow that fire is the element of life. I know it can be used for destruction and chaos, but it also feels... alive. Especially when I'm a dragon, actually. Then every flame and spark and being seems vibrant and alive. And when connecting with another being in a mind link, then too. So yes, fire is natural. Learning something I already know can't possibly be the key, can it?"
Zuko wasn't sure if even he understood what he was trying to explain, but at least Uncle didn't look outright dismissive to his nephew's ramblings. The old man simply nodded, looking contemplative.
"I think you are right." Iroh repeated. "To me, personally, the most eye-opening part about meeting dragons was the revelation that fire is life. That is what the original fire benders taught me, and therefore I thought that passing on that wisdom would be the most helpful lesson for you as well."
"But I indeed failed to consider that you alreadyunderstand fire as a more wide concept because of your unusual training history. You have always had a different, very concrete connection to our element. You are in many ways more experienced than most benders your age."
"Yeah, and still completely worthless next to Azula." Zuko noted bitterly.
Uncle fixed a stern look on his nephew. "Your sister is an exceptional bender, I'll give you that, but in different ways than you. She is remarkable talented when it comes to learning new things, be those katas or war tactics. When learning a new fire bending technique, Azula immediately realizes what the technique is composed of, when to use it and how to execute it flawlessly. She undoubtedly has natural intuition and talent when it comes to bending, but she's also worked hard to hone her inclinations and to make the best possible use of them."
"You, my dear nephew, learn differently. For you, learning takes time and trying. Because your connection to fire is different on such a primal level, what works for most does not always come naturally to you. It really isn't surprising that your bending style is... one of a kind."
"It may take you longer to come to terms with new techniques because you have to accommodate them to your own style. Once you've figured out a way to make a kata feel your own, it will not be weaker or lesser than the traditional style of firebending your sister favors."
"You and Azula both have your own specialties, but that does not mean one is fundamentally better than the other. Just because Azula knows more now doesn't mean you are inferior to you sister, Prince Zuko. In time, you will both be very powerful benders."
Unaccustomed to such praise, Zuko felt his cheeks blush. Most of the time everyone, Iroh included, focused on the things he was doing wrong.
"Aren't you the one who's always telling me how I'm using too much muscle and not enough breath in my strikes?" Zuko pointed out to steer the conversation back to a topic he was more accustomed to and comfortable with. Such as his numerous shortcomings and failures.
Iroh smiled a dry smile. "Well, sometimes you lack the patience to give yourself enough time to learn something properly and end up overreaching, but you have made considerable improvements on that account over the years."
Iroh thought for a moment, his brows furrowing, before continuing: "I know I can sometimes be hard on you when it comes to bending, and perhaps I'm sometimes scarce with positive feedback, but surely you know that doesn't mean you are only making mistakes? It is as I've said many times before: I only nag because I care."
Zuko just nodded, still uncomfortable. It wasn't Iroh's fault the Prince was a pig-headed and slow apprentice who needed to be reprimanded on a regular basis.
"I just feel so... frustrated." Zuko bit his lip. "I mean, I didn't know learning this thing would be so hard. While we waste our time here, waiting for me to pull my act together, the Avatar has either gained a huge lead on us or, better yet, has been caught by Zhao. Everything could be going wrong while all I do is waste time attempting to learn something that I may never be able to master."
"Zuko", Iroh sighed, "I know that I suggested it in the first place that you should try to help the Avatar, but I think I can safely admit that I meant you should rathertry to help the Avatar than try to capture him. I primarily wanted you to let go of the mission your father had unwisely bestowed upon you. I didn't mean that insuring the airbender's safety is on your shoulders."
"The Avatar is very young and prone to making mistakes, but his mistakes are still his. You should not feel guilt over them. The same goes for Zhao: although we've agreed it would be wise to keep an eye on the Admiral, it isn't the same as making it your sole priority."
"But I didn't capture the Avatar like I was supposed to! If he does something bad now, of course it's on me!" Zuko exclaimed frustratedly.
"Zuko, your father may have made it sound like you had to earn your worth by proving yourself, but that isn't true. You do not need to prove yourself. Not by capturing the Avatar, and not by guarding him from harm. I fear that even though you have come a long way, you still undervalue your own worth."
"Your life does not have to revolve around the Avatar's. You don't have to drop everything you're doing every time we run into him. His life does not take priority over yours. Your progress is important, and the time you take to learn to know yourself is not time wasted, and it's not away from something more important."
Uncle looked Zuko squarely in the eye. "You shouldn't just wait for another mission that you can throw all your attention into, one given to you by outside forces. There is nothing wrong with seeking advice from time to time, but you must first ask yourself the really important questions: who are you and what do you want? Only after you can answer these questions can you move forward."
Zuko wrapped his arms around his legs, unable to say anything.
Iroh smiled and added in a gentler tone: "Come now, Prince Zuko, it's been a long day. I think you've had enough training for now. How about a calming round of Pai Sho? You can practice more tomorrow."
Zuko smiled weakly: "I brought food and necessities and you brought a Pai Sho table?"
Uncle smiled and reached into his back. "Pai Sho tableis a necessity."
ooo
It had to be long after midnight, but Zuko still couldn't sleep.
Uncle is wrong. He thinks I'm afraid.
Zuko glanced to his side to Uncle's bedroll. Iroh was still fast asleep, snoring quietly. Zuko got up and sneaked out of the tent. The night air was cool but not too cold for comfort thanks to the humid local climate. The Prince could see why someone from Fire Nation would want to put up a Colony here. It wasn't like home but it was a decent substitute.
On second thought, Zuko leaned back into the tent and retrieved his Dao. With the swords slung over his shoulder, he walked out to the field. Since the Prince couldn't sleep he might as well do something useful with his time.
Zuko started off easy. Just some basic moves in constant repetition. After a long day of trying to unravel mysteries of fire through philosophy, it was nice to just let go off all the thinking and just go with the movements. Sword fighting required thinking and planning but on a different, more instinctual level. You had to act and react. There was no room for hesitation or second-guessing.
I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of becoming a dragon. I'm not afraid of change.
Zuko made a quick turn and decapitated an unsuspecting flower.
I can deal with change. I'm no longer just doing what I was told without ever stopping to wonder why I am doing it. I know that I can never make father love me. I know that now.
Without even really thinking about it, Zuko added some heat to his next series of attacks. Not enough to set anything on fire, but adding little extra strength.
Who am I? A Dragon Warrior? But why? Why me? Who am I to fix everyone's problems when I can't even fix my own?
Tuli chose me because she took pity on me. She saw that I was weak and that I needed all the extra help I could get to make it in life. Azula doesn't need to cheat to be special, she was born that way.
Zuko stopped mid-kata. He pulled back and sheathed his swords in one fluid motion.
I'm... not worthy of these powers.
Which was a silly thought, because of course he was. He was the Prince of Fire Nation. He was born to be Someone Who Mattered. He was chosen for this task because he... Because he happened to be conveniently available?
Zuko had always been very sure of himself. He had to carry himself with pride and dignity and not show any weakness or pain. If he couldn't appear respectable and intimidating, how could anyone ever learn to respect him? But did he really think himself important, or was that just a show he put up for others so that they couldn't see how much their opinions and whispers actually hurt?
Then... Am I worthy? Zuko rolled his eyes. Well, that would depend on who I am, wouldn't it? It's a circular question, so maybe I should answer the second question first: what do I want?
Zuko looked around himself in the dark forest and then up at the starry sky.
I don't want this, he decided, taking in his surroundings and situation. As much as I enjoy a moment of quiet, simple life alone with Uncle, this isn't what I want. Not on the long run. Happiness is all very well and nice but I want to have a life of meaning.
Zuko supposed that it was probably more due to being raised to be royalty than any specific need to prove himself. Everyone in his family, with perhaps the exception of Uncle, seemed to have an ingrained notion that they should do something great and important with their lives. Iroh probably used to have it, too, when he was still a successful General.
Perhaps Zuko was born that way, or maybe he was raised to believe so since an early age. Either way, it was the way he was now. So there seemed to be no reason to question that.
I want the killing to stop. I want to go home. I want the war to end, but I'm not sure I want our side to win. If we conquered everything and everywhere, what would happen to people who aren't welcome in Fire Nation? What would happen to my mother and her new family?
I don't want everyone to hate us; that could never lead to a lasting peace, and the war has to end. I want my nation to be something I don't have to hide or be ashamed off. Not anywhere or from anyone.
Zuko thought of trust Aang placed in him when he didn't know it as him under the mask. Then he remembered the look Katara had given him after the first, and so far only time he'd read her mind, and shivered.
Father isn't proud of me and I don't know what mother thinks of me, but am I proud of who I am?
Zuko thought that question over in his head. I know what I want, but what have I done to reach these goals? Nothing.
Because I'm afraid. Not of battles or responsibilities, but I am afraid of making another huge mistake. Afraid of wasting any more of my life on a fruitless search for something that never existed.
This time the mistake would me all mine, though. I couldn't hide behind orders and honor. I couldn't say I had no choice, couldn't blame my father for giving me an order or Uncle for giving me bad advice. I' don't want to be anyone's puppet ever again, but the flip-side is that whatever I do from here on out, it's all on me.
Zuko took a firm stance and let out a long breath. Try again, his mind instructed him.
I am who I want to be. I don't know what that exactly is yet, but I am trying to figure it out, on my own. Prince, dragon, vigilante... these are but different names for the same person, me. And I am more than any one of these things. I am all them, all the time, and more.
I shouldn't be afraid to be myself.
Zuko took another deep breath, closed his eyes and concentrated, trying to reach for the ever-familiar sensation of fire growing from within him. He had many things he still needed to work out, but turning into a dragon shouldn't be one of them.
I am a dragon all the time. It isn't a separate part of me. This really should work.
And finally it did.
ooo
Uncle woke to a sensation that vaguely reminded him of how it felt like being attacked by earthbenders. Even after many years of retirement, he still couldn't entirely shake off the instinctual fear he felt towards sleeping on bare ground. He'd seen enough people go down that way. Literally.
It started with a small noise, and then the whole world turned upside down.
Iroh was scrambling to get out of his sleeping roll and into a bending stance when he realized the world hadn't actually tilted over. Just the tent.
"Nephew?" He called out, unsure. A murmuring growl was all the answer he got and all the answer he needed. Uncle stumbled out from under the fallen tent only to come face to face with a pair of dazzling yellow eyes.
"Nephew, you've done it!" Iroh congratulated and patted his snout, all his fears quickly melting away. Zuko made a sound that was undoubtedly a dragon-version of 'hurray', and then nuzzled his snout against Iroh's shoulder.
Uncle had not had much time to acquaint himself with his nephew in this form, but if the more open shows of affection were anything to go by, they were going to get along just fine. Or quite possibly Zuko was just, understandably, in an exceptionally good mood.
Zuko moved a bit to the side, showcasing considerable agility for a creature his size. It took Iroh a moment to understand the gesture was meant for him.
Iroh's eyes widened comically. "You want me to...?"
Zuko nodded, and Uncle wasn't going to say no. How many people ever got the chance to fly on a dragon?
It turned out that flying on a dragon was overrated. At least to anyone who didn't enjoy life-threatening swirls and loops. Uncle presumed Zuko was trying to be mindful of his passenger and squirm as little as he could despite his naturally wiggly stride, but his nephew kept loosing his focus every now and then.
Iroh was certain Zuko would not let him fall. Or that his nephew would, at the very least, catch him if he did slip. And still, once they actually landed from their short first flight together, Uncle couldn't claim he wasn't happy to be back on the safety of solid ground.
I must be too old for this, he thought, but managed a smile for his nephew's benefit.
"Well, that was quite something. Next, I suppose, you'll need to master resuming your human form."
()()()
A/N
Thank you all for your support!
Okay, this became more introspective than I had anticipated. More plot in the next chapter, which I have more or less written but haven't proofread yet. That one should be up soon as well.