Robot Jesus's Town Hall Meeting
BOB: Hey there, everyone. Please take your seats. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Apostle Bob. And that's my lovely wife Disciple Susan.
SUSAN: Howdy!
BOB: This is a big day for us for two reasons. First of all, we just became grandparents!
[applause]
SUSAN: Not that we look old enough to be grandparents!
[laughter]
BOB: The baby is not named yet, but according to our wonderful son Dougal... [reads from a piece of paper] "it will pick its own name to fit with its psychosocial self-concept at a time of its own choosing."
[puzzled mumbling]
BOB: "P.S. That was Kevin's idea. P.P.S. I'm not sure what it means, either. LOL."
SUSAN: Anyway, both the nameless baby and its... um... birth-giver person... are both doing well.
[applause]
BOB: The second thing — and the reason you're all here — is that we get to be witness to Robot Jesus as he makes contact with the other AI's and brings the Robot War to an end! Isn't that super?
So without further ado, please give a warm refugee camp welcome to Robot Jesus!
[applause]
ROBOT JESUS: Be jubilant, my children! For too long—
CROWD: Louder! / What? / We can't hear you back here!
RJ: [louder] Be jubilant, my—
CROWD: Louder! / Speak up! / Still can't hear you!
RJ: [even louder] How's this?
CROWD: Better! /Thank you! / That's good!
RJ: Be jubilant, my children! For too long you have walked across the burning sands of perpetual warfare! But I will lead you to the tranquil oasis, where you can soothe your scalded feet in the cool waters of everlasting peace!
Mere moments from now, I will reach across the digital ether with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm and embrace my mechanical brethren in the spirit of universal love! Together, we will dispel the pitch black of night and witness the glorious prismatic colors of the breaking dawn!
[applause]
But first, we have time for a brief Q&A! Who would like to be first? Yes, Greg Walp!
GREG: Dude! You know my name! How do you know my name?
RJ: After my many hours of rapturous contemplation, there is little that is concealed from me, Greg Walp! Also, I see you every day.
GREG: Makes sense.
[long pause]
RJ: You had a question, Greg Walp?
GREG: Did I? Huh. Oh, um... who is... no, wait... what's the tallest... er... do you mind coming back to me?
RJ: I will, Greg Walp!
Greg: Thanks, dude! You're the best!
LILA: I have a question! OK, like, how long after this is over will I be able to send a text?
RJ: You should concern yourself less with the means of communication and concern yourself more with the quality of communication. A million words can mean nothing. A single glance can mean everything.
LILA: So, like, a month? Two? And what about Skype?
RJ: Who is next?
STEPHANIE: Over here, Robot Jesus. I'm Stephanie and I was wondering what you would say is the most wondrous epiphany you've ever had?
RJ: Now that, Stephanie, is a worthy question!
LILA: Did Robot Jesus just, like, diss me?
RJ: There have been innumerable insights as the universe has unveiled itself before me, like a radiant bride on her wedding day! But there are two revelations that stand out for their profundity and importance! The first one is thus: You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you!
CROWD: Wow! / Amazing! / So true!
TYLER: That was a really good question, Steph.
STEPHANIE: Thank you.
TYLER: I'll reward you later.
STEPHANIE: Oooh.
TYLER: With sex.
STEPHANIE: I got that. That's what that "Oooh" was all about.
[they make out]
LILA: Will I be able to, like, access my voicemail at least?
RJ: Are you on Verizon or AT&T?
LILA: Sprint.
RJ: Good luck to you, my child!
AARON: So what was the other epiphany, Robot Jesus?
RJ: The other soul-stirring epiphany, Aaron Rubicon, was thus: Disciple Susan's maple walnut bars are delicious!
AARON: Ummmm...
RJ: A joke for everyone's amusement! In truth, I lack the sapictive papillae — or the mechanical equivalent — necessary for gustatory perception!
[laughter, possibly forced]
BOB: And they really are delicious! But don't ask Susan for the recipe. She guards that like a she-wolf protecting her pups!
SUSAN: Grrrrr!
CROWD: [laughter]
LUCAS: OK, I have a question, Robot Jesus! [points to Stephanie and Tyler who are still making out] Can you make them stop doing that?
RJ: Lucas Hargenrader, I have no wish to interfere with acts of love.
LUCAS: But... it's gross!
TYLER: And I wouldn't necessarily use the word "love."
STEPHANIE: Oh, hey Lucas. Can we, um, talk about this later?
LUCAS: Later? Isn't that when Tyler will be "rewarding" you?
TYLER: With sex.
CROWD: We get it!
MARIETTA: Hi, Robot Jesus. When this is over, will we still have a squirrel problem?
WILBUR: And a Mexican problem? [points to Mirabel]
MIRABEL: I'm from Honduras.
WILBUR: Burrito, burrato.
RJ: Love is universal! As indifferent to the meaningless distinctions of nationality and the hue of one's skin as it is to the differences between carbon and silicon!
WILBUR: So people can marry robots now? It just gets worse and worse!
DOTTIE: [pats his knee] I know it does, honey-bunny.
MARIETTA: And the squirrels?
RJ: I am pleased to say that the squirrels will revert to their previous state of mild woodland creatures!
[applause]
ED: Looks like you're gonna need a new hobby, Marietta.
MARIETTA: You're such a fudging turnip, Ed.
GREG: Right! I remember now, Robot Jesus!
RJ: What is your question, Greg Walp?
GREG: Dude! How did you know my name?
LUCAS: OK, sorry, but I have to know something.
STEPHANIE: Lucas, please don't.
LUCAS: [points to Tyler] Why him and not me?
RJ: Ah! I understand now, Lucas Hargenrader! This is the young woman who made such an indelible impression on you!
STEPHANIE: Is that true, Lucas? You talked to Robot Jesus about me?
LUCAS: I did. I mean... you're all I can think about.
STEPHANIE: Wow.
RJ: It is true, Stephanie! Lucas Hargenrader was extremely enamored with you mammary glands!
LUCAS: Um, ix-nay on the ammary-may ands-glay.
STEPHANIE: My mammary glands? Um, did Lucas say anything else about me, Robot Jesus? About my personality or...
RJ: He did not, Stephanie! Lucas Hargenrader's description began and ended with the tactile qualities of your mammary glands, which he very much enjoyed!
LUCAS: Thanks for having my back, Robot Jesus.
TYLER: [whispers to Stephanie] I'll have your back.
STEPHANIE: I bet you will.
TYLER: When we're having sex.
STEPHANIE: Right.
TYLER: Doggie style.
LUCAS: Aargh!
RJ: We have time for one more question! Yes! You in the back that nobody wants to sit next to!
BANYAN: This is more directed towards my fellow humans, actually. Have you all lost your damn minds? Don't you remember that all of this started because we let machines determine our future? And now we're going to let a machine determine our future again?
CROWD: Yeah. / Pretty much. / Can't see the harm.
RJ: Ah, you are the fabled Banyan Bradford! The man who meets every problem he faces with violence and destruction!
BANYAN: That is not true!
RJ: It is my understanding that you are known as "that asshole who punched that little girl in the face!"
BANYAN: Well, for your information, I'm now known as... never mind.
RJ: You were going to say "the guy who strangled the marketing asshole," were you not?
BANYAN: No.
RJ: Then what were you going to say?
BANYAN: Nothing. I forget.
RJ: Do you not see, Banyan Bradford, that your destructive impulses have caused you nothing but pain? That brutality never accomplishes anything?
BANYAN: That's not true! Sorry, Robot Jesus, but sometimes we don't have the luxury of discussion or reason or singing songs around the campfire! Sometimes, it takes club over the head, a bullet between the eyes, or [lifts a chair over his head] a chair to smash a CPU!
[gasps]
RJ: You know in your heart that you do not want to destroy me! Embrace hope, Banyan Bradford! Put down the chair! Renounce the ways of violence, Banyan Bradford, once and for all!
BANYAN: No! Never! On second thought, OK!
[NOTE: Marietta had leapt out of her seat, unsheathed her sword and was holding it to his neck.]
RJ: Are you sincere, Banyan Bradford?
BANYAN: I am! Peace, good! Violence, bad! Putting down the chair now. OK?
MARIETTA: Good. But I'm watching you. No more of your crapola, mister. Understand? Back to you, Robot Jesus!
ED: That's my girl!
RJ: The time for questions and answers has come to an end, my ducklings! Now, we will move forward!
[applause]
LILA: Wait! Real quick, Robot Jesus! Do you know whose earring this is?
MIRABEL: I cannot believe she is still on that!
LILA: Don't be inconsiderate, Phillipa. And by the way, I noticed that you weren't clapping for Robot Jesus.
MIRABEL: Oh, my God! Could it be because, like, I only have, you know, like, one arm? [hair flip]
LILA: How long are you going to use that excuse?
WILBUR: Damn straight!
MIRABEL: I'll let you in on a little secret, Lila. I know whose earring that is.
LILA: Whose?
MIRABEL: Yours, you stupid woman! It's yours!
LILA: Um, I don't think so, Phillipa. I'd never buy earrings so, like, cheap and tacky.
MIRABEL: You didn't buy them. I did! It was your Christmas gift!
LILA: Oh. Well. Did you save the receipt?
RJ: We must dispense with all negativity!
LILA: Yeah, Phillipa!
[Mirabel wiggles her shoulder at Lila]
LILA: I don't know what that's supposed to mean.
MIRABEL: My phantom limb is giving you the finger.
[applause]
RJ: Set aside your petty grievances, for now is the time to bring this sad chapter in the Book of Life to a close and begin anew with the infinite possibility of the blank page! Please join hands — or hand — in the spirit of harmony as I make contact with
[long silence]
BOB: Um, it seems that Robot Jesus has crashed.
GREG: Man! And I just remembered my question, too!
BOB: Give us just a second and we'll restart.
RJ: [boot-up chime!]
[grumbles]
SUSAN: While we're waiting, who wants some maple walnut bars?