Out of all the parts I've written, this one means the most to me, and I'm not sure why because it's not the most well written part I've ever done... There's a good bit of cussing, just saying right now. I hope you enjoy!
(P.s. Ignore my grammatical mistakes. It's 11:56am and I didn't sleep at all last night, so I'm exhausted and having trouble reading this clearly with understanding to be honest. When I'm more awake, I will fix the errors I see then.)
**
I crept around the corner of the hallway, forcing myself into the living room. Something wasn't right, considering - for one - the room was rearranged - and two - the light in the room seemed too distorted for realities expectations.
"Get in here, babe!" I heard from the bathroom.
Oh, I get it...
"Okay," I whispered, "Hold on," I shuffled my way to my destination, trying my ultimate best to take no note of anything; considering it was a dream, and from past experiences, my dreams sucked, "Hi," I said keeping a straight face like I had planned. He gradually turned himself around, and I could tell the closer his body was to facing me directly, that something wasn't right, and when he turned around I definitely could see it, "Holy shit, Niall!"
"Don't freak out, baby," he said rushing towards me in a fast manor.
I hit the wall - unfortunately - in my attempt to escape him, because I couldn't stand the sight, "I thought all of this was over, dammit!"
"It is, it is," he replied calmly, coming towards me, "Be patient."
"Then why are you..."
"Shhh, shh," he interrupted, "It'll all make sense."
I couldn't even look at him. He looked like we had freshly wrecked, and regardless of the blood covering his shirt, and soaking his pants, he was still to show any pain in his face, or body language. Was this actually what he had looked like immediately after the crash? I wouldn't actually know - I had passed out, "How is this supposed to make sense?"
He smiled, and when I involuntarily looked up at him, I tried with all I could to imagine him normal and healthy, because otherwise I couldn't take it, "Well how about we go and find out," he answered putting his hand out for me to take.
The thought of simply waking myself up crossed my mind, but as it echoed over and over in my head, I found myself sighing as I began taking his hand. He led me past the living room, out the door, and into my car, where he then began driving.
"Where are you taking me?"
He didn't answer, even after I forced myself to ask about five more times. I let out a puff of breath as I crossed my arms, slumping into my seat.
"You gotta calm down," he said breaking the long moment of silence.
"I can't just relax - or - these always turn out bad," I replied, "Not only that but it's so pointless. I know it's not actually you, because you - or my mind - said the last one was gonna be the last one."
He let out a soft laugh in response, "You can't believe everything you hear."
Extremely irritated, I turned to the window. I really just wanted this all to end, but soon things became very odd as the sky above the both of us completely faded from light blue to dark navy, signaling that now, out of literally nowhere, it was night. I couldn't see the moon, and it was much like the night we had wrecked. I couldn't see the stars due to the thick gray clouds.
Soon we turned, and it began to make a bit of sense, "Oh, okay, so what are we, like reliving the night you died?" I asked.
He smiled, "Eh, sorta."
I noticed something else that had changed, making me feel a little better, because now Niall wasn't covered in blood. I began contemplating that a little further, and thinking about it, I began to think it would probably progress like that the further we got into it; like, he'd gradually get better the more the dream went on.
I wasn't too relaxed though, unfortunately, even on that note. I adjusted my hands anxiously in my lap as we approached the spot we crashed. It came closer and closer, and I was sure to prepare myself for the crash.
I think I'm ready to be hit.
It was odd though, because the closer we got I was surprised to find that the car was already there, and this began to worry me, because it meant I didn't have the order of things as planned out as I had thought, and I really didn't know what was about to happen.
Niall pulled the car over slowly as we reached a gradual stop. He took no time in hesitating as he opened his door, getting out immediately. I knew he was about to open my door for me, but I didn't let him as I pushed it open myself, rushing out of the vehicle in angst.
Some hair flew into my face as I took in a really deep breath of the cold, brisk, and un-comforting air, "What now?" I asked.
"Well go look at it," he said, "Don't just stand here."
I looked over at him, probably looking horrified, "You're kidding."
"No, Claire. I am not."
I stood there for a minute, hearing nothing but wind, but after watching a bit longer I saw a man, about twenty-five stumble out of the opposite vehicle. He was groaning but when I observed his face a little more he was crying, "I'm so sorry!" he yelled. No one answered, and that's when his face completely changed from scared, to absolutely terrified. He whined as he reached in his back pocket for his phone where he tried dialing for an ambulance the best he could with his bloody fingers. He slurred his words out, trying to at least form proper sentences as he begged for them to come fast. Soon after, he dropped the phone, running towards the car. He jogged around the back of his, and around the front of Niall's and every other way he could've possibly went but he couldn't find an area where he could see anything, and judging by his heavy breathing, I could tell he wasn't going to last very much longer, and I was right, because soon after he collapsed to the ground with one last cry, and that's when I heard sirens in the distance.
"Did he die?" I asked Niall looking over at him in terror. He never answered, and horrified I backed away from where we were standing hoping to get to the side of the road, trying to avoid the approaching vehicle, but Niall took my hand, stopping me.
"Don't move."
I felt my heart rate increasing as I tried escaping his grip. I didn't understand why, but I was absolutely terrified, though it was nothing but a dream, "Niall, let me go!" I yelled, "I don't wanna die!" He and I made eye contact, but he did nothing but that; stare at me. He kept his strong grip on my wrist and in the distance I heard it getting closer and closer and closer, and the louder the sirens got the more nervous I became, "Are you trying to kill me? Niall!"
He nodded nervously as the ambulance soon rushed by, completely going through the both of us.
"You're not actually here, remember?"
I let out a deep breath in relief, putting my hand on my chest. I tried giving him a nod in response but I could tell it was weak. He was right, and it all sort of began making a little bit of sense. For one, this was nothing but a dream, but on the other hand, like he had said, I wasn't actually there. I was pretty much invisible... No. I was invisible. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders as soon as the thought entered my mind, but I was still extremely anxious, because I knew this wasn't over.
I watched the men rush out of the ambulance to the obvious first person they saw, which was the collapsed man on the concrete by the two totalled cars, and soon I began hearing more sirens; this time from a variety of emergency vehicles.
"Is this actually what happened that night?" I asked, which in response, I got nothing but a shrug.
*
The entire time I tried my best not to watch, but Niall made me, which was - for the record - really cruel.
The men used a bunch of different tools to get things torn off of each other, like car doors unjammed and such, and I soon saw myself as they yanked me out of the passenger door half conscious, laying me on a gurney, and putting me into an ambulance.
I resisted watching more, but Niall made me wait until he was put in the ambulance, which was even more disturbing to watch, because he was so mangled and torn up when they finally got him out. Niall forced me into the ambulance, pushing me into it, leaving me alone with the dying him and ambulance men, but now I had no one to order me to do otherwise; so I looked away, but that didn't take away from the groans and screams I could hear coming from Niall. The two men in the back trying to keep him alive until they got to the hospital also wouldn't quit talking about his chances of living making it even more demented.
Still having my eyes covered, we took a sharp turn, making me hit the wall of the vehicle before feeling that we soon came to a complete halt. I kept my eyes clenched closed, but from what I could hear they rushed him out, and into the hospital doors, but even then, knowing they were gone, I couldn't build up the nerve to move.
I stayed there for a second, gathering myself, before I managed to get myself sat down on the edge of the back, where I leaned my head onto my hands, trying to steady my breathing.
I jumped when I heard someone in front of me, "Have you had enough?"
I directed my vision in front of me, wiping away some tears, "Yes, Niall - fuck you."
"Calm down," he laughed, "It's going to be completely fine, okay? Let's go for a walk."
I felt that my lips were already curled up in disgust; I had absolutely no desire to go through anything else disturbing - or on the other hand - end up somewhere really cliche. For example, a meadow, where we'd talk about the point and life and some shit.
"Where are you taking me?"
He took in a deep breath that in comparison to my breathing was extremely serene, "Home. We're gonna talk."
I pushed away some hair out of my face, nodding. The sooner the better.
*
Considering it was a dream, it honestly took no time to get to my apartment. It seemed extremely sensible and realistic that we only went about two blocks or less in the matter of three seconds.
He pushed the door open effortlessly as he began towards the steps, stopping in his tracks abruptly, "Take my hand?" he asked putting it out for me. He didn't even seem like himself and I couldn't exactly put my finger on why. I knew I had a special place for him in my heart, but unlike a month ago or three months ago, I didn't long to have contact with him. Sure, it was cool to see him, because I did love him - but I had another person I loved, and I had him alive and for myself whenever I wanted him... "Baby, I know you're over me, but just for one last time's sake?"
I put my idle hand into his as he slowly guided me up the stairs to the seventh floor, and down the familiar hallway leading to my apartment. He stopped to open the door for me. When I walked through the door, receiving a creek from the wooden floors, I saw that it was once again light, which I took note of but no longer found all that weird.
When I led myself into the living room there was no furniture, but somehow it felt really right, and it made a lot of sense.
I heard his footsteps behind me and he soon put his hands out, gesturing for me to sit down on the floor. I obliged, because quite frankly I had no arguments, and I didn't mind. I focused my vision in on the little bits of dust floating around in the perfect light shining through the window.
"So, what are we gonna talk about?" I asked looking in front of me, where he was now sitting.
"Well that's up to you I suppose."
Things were quiet for a really long time as I tried thinking about things that had been bugging me for the past few months, but it was hard because I had pretty much accepted what just kind of was, already.
"I don't have anything - I - did I give you - I feel like I didn't give you enough closure," I choked out with some complications.
He turned his head looking confused. It almost seemed bitter, and it sort of gave off the feeling that he truly thought it was a simple, low-leveled thought, that he couldn't believe I had said, "Claire, what?"
"Yeah," I mumbled, "I didn't tell enough people about you and talk about anything for such a long time... Like when people die you're supposed to tell everyone about how good of a person they were and-"
"No," he interrupted, "For one, what do you suppose one does when someone's a shitty person?"
"Well you..." I had no real response. Society truly had that all wrong; like many, many other things. When someone died you respected that in a way that was really stupid. I truly was just realizing this. It didn't matter if you really gave a single fuck about the person or not, everyone expected you to say they were 'amazing' or some shit, and that's ridiculous, and on that note, nothing is perfect, or close to perfection unless it's in moderation, and when you make someone's death such a big deal, that really takes the real 'respect' out of it. Death should be simple, and the person that died should not be glorified to what they weren't, and grieving should be left to the family, because they are the ones that knew who that person was, and honestly when someone you loved dies, you don't want peoples fake sympathy; you want them to save it, and leave you the fuck alone, "You know what, Niall, when did you become so full of wisdom?"
He shrugged, "I don't know. Death does a lot to a person I suppose."
"Oh," I replied. I'd rather have not gotten into topics like death, and what happens afterwards because it really wasn't all that fair, and it wasn't something he was going to tell me anyway, because it was something you only learn when it happens. That, and the fact that this was nothing but a dream... "But did I?"
"What give me enough closure?" he asked putting an odd emphasis on 'closure', that almost seemed mocking.
"Yeah."
"Claire there is no closure for me," he replied, "My closure was when I died - what else is left? Nothing."
I looked to the floor to my pale legs. He was right. Dead people don't need closure; living people do. Once you're dead, you don't care that you're dead. We live our entire lives living some odd experience made up of nothing but perception, looking for a point to it all, and truly none of us know the answer, and the answer is when you die I suppose, and when you do die, that's it. We all live to survive and when the living looks for closure of some sort that's really to do nothing but survive because we need to find some comfort in a big world we don't have any answer to - and the dead - they already know the answer.
"I don't think I have anything else to say," I said. I wasn't looking at him directly, but I knew he was staring at me. Hell, maybe he even knew what I was thinking about.
"Okay," he answered, standing onto his feet, putting out his hand. I took it, getting myself stood up properly to look at him - I guess I should take advantage of the weird twisted reality I was imagining. He ravelled our fingers together as he did nothing but stare at me, "You truly are something beautiful," he smiled in an accepting manor, "I suppose I would kiss you but you have Harry now - but Claire I do miss you and I just want you to know that."
"Do dead people have feelings?"
He tilted his head, "We both know I can't give you the answer to that - just like I can't give you the answer to whether or not I'm just a dream."
I felt my stomach flip. The thought of this meaning absolutely nothing really hurt. I did want to believe it was him, because I was truly nothing but someone - like everyone else - living to survive and I was pathetically searching for closure.
"Bye, Niall," I broke the silence, "See you whenever, I guess," I said casually as if I was going to see him next week or something.
He nodded, and unlike some normal dream, it just ended there. He didn't walk out a door, or fade away, I just woke up.
And there I was, alive, laying next to Harry. I stared at his bare chest rising and falling in perfect sync. I loved him; a lot, and now I had him.
I rolled over, trying to make sure my bare body was fully covered; not that it mattered anymore. He'd seen everything.
I really tried hard to think about it all. I guess that was the last of it. That dream, whatever it meant, was the validation that I had moved on and that I was no longer hanging onto Niall, and that Harry was my new reality - my new amazing reality.
I had found my closure - the closest thing to true closure a living person could find, and that was it; Niall was no longer just Some Lonely Feeling.
__________________
Okay, so BIG ending note here (for anyone that cares).
For one, I am so so so sorry for taking like a century to update, but I couldn't write, and I haven't been my best lately so that didn't help... And, secondly this part had a lot of deep shit some people should really think about (not that you're here for that, it's a fanfic), but if you wanna take some time to it really hit me hard when I wrote, 'Dead people don't need closure; living people do.' Like, I don't even know but that's something to think about because, damn! But, anywho disregard all that if you don't care of course.
*BIG THING HERE* This is super super super sad, but this is the last part! I am super depressed about that because I love this story, and have obviously become very comfortable writing it, and I have enjoyed writing it. It's gonna be super hard getting used to another story, sigh... This story was a bit depressing, but I hope that somewhere in it you could pull out a little bit of something that gave it a point. Maybe the points that you can get over anything, or I'm not really sure... But I want to thank all of you for your reads and your votes, and most of all I want to thank the one's of you that have read from the beginning and are still reading/read up to this point, even though back in January (I think that's the month?) I deactivated. Like, I can't believe you stuck around!
(And lol I hope you got the hint with what went down between Claire and Harry..) ! ;)
I love you guys so much! Go check out the Introduction & Preview of my new story if you wanna read some more stuff I write!
Bye bye! :)