Danielle's POV
Lauren's home is really big. She gave us both our own rooms. It's already New Year's Day. But I miss Christmas. Taylor came over and her and I talked on and on forever. Lauren's whole family and the other girls made me feel really loved. I was given so much on Christmas day. But I like Lauren's gift even more. She gave me a journal with a really cool black and white cover. She also gave me a camera. Lauren was the only one who knew how much I like exploring, drawing, writing, and taking pictures. When we were in captivity she always let me use her camera. I guess she made the connection in her head that I liked photography.
Camila and I have also gotten sorta close. She keeps talking to me and interacting with me, so I've kind of let her in a bit. She's said she was going to take me out to buy everything for my room soon. I'm really excited for that.
I'm now seeing how close Lauren and Camila actually are. It's really cute. They're always calling each other stuff like 'beautiful' or 'baby' and it makes me really happy when I see that. My parents' relationship was never like that. It was always chaotic and abusive. Any foster parents I'd get would also be falling out and constantly fighting. Ever since I got here everyone has been really loving and caring. It's definitely something I'm not used to. But Lila is adjusting just fine. She's as happy as she can be. You can always hear her giggling down the hall as one of the girls chases her. Especially Normani. Those two are really close when Dinah is not around. Any other time Dinah and Normani are fighting for the big sister badge. So Lila always has someone to play with. And at dinner, Ally happily takes the place of Dinah and Normani and feeds Lila.
I don't really have that. No one has really noticed the fact that I don't want to eat. Lauren has pointed it out several times but I just cover it up by sticking something to eat in my mouth. I always end up spitting it back up into a napkin. I mean, the girls try to play around with me but I'm never really in the mood. Lauren and Camila have tried to talk to me on various occasions but I just push them away. I never mean to but I can't help it. I'm in too much pain to talk. And if I speak out about the trouble I'm having, I'll hurt them. No one wants someone who brings baggage. They want someone like Lila, who is happy and isn't much of a bother. So I rather shut everyone out and keep everything to myself than to admit that I feel like I'm dying and my world is falling apart. It feels like I have a hole in my chest and a heavy weight is sitting on my lungs. I constantly feel like crying and falling apart, but I just convince myself to keep going a little longer.
"DANIELLE CAN YOU COME DOWN HERE PLEASE?" Lauren yells from downstairs. I get up and walk down the hall to the top of the stairs and make my way down. When I reach the bottom I can hear the TV playing off in the distance, it's some sort of kid show. Dinah and Lila are probably watching TV together once again. I walk into the dining room where Lauren is sitting with her laptop in front of her. I walk over and sit in front of her, waiting for her to say something. She looks up at me and smiles. "Hey sweetie, I just wanted to tell you about what is going to happen in these next couple weeks." She says, looking me in the eye and then looking down at her laptop and typing something for a moment. I nod, motioning for her to continue. "So, you are aware that you have missed nearly a whole year of school, right?" She asks me. I just mumble a 'yeah', looking down into my lap where I was picking nervously at my nails.
"Your foster parents put you in school in the two months you were back in the system. But I want to get you tested so that we can put you in the grade you belong in. I've looked into some schools around in this area and I found a nice school that you might like. On Monday you and I are going to drive up there and get the paper work to enroll you. They've sent me the test you need to take in order for them to place you in your grade. And this will determine if they should hold you back a grade or keep you in the grade you are supposed to be in. Are you up for it?" She asks me. I feel my heart drop at the thought of school. I can't go back to school. I don't care if it's a new school, none of them have ever done me any good, other than the bruises on my skin. But I find myself nodding.
"Great! But here's the catch, I don't want you to be held back. So we are going to prepare for the rest of this week and on Sunday night you can take the test, does that sound good?" She asks me. I let out a breath of relief.
"Yeah, sounds good." I reply.
~
For the rest of the week Lauren and I sit in the dining room from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. just studying from workbooks Lauren went out and bought and worksheets from the internet. I'm supposed to be in 7th grade and if I fail this I'll have to repeat 6th grade, which is the last thing I want to do. So I've been really motivated and have been doing really well and learning everything at a really rapid pace. I have learned more things in this past week then I would in several months in a school. By Sunday night I'm sitting nervously in front of Lauren's laptop waiting for the test to load. Lauren is sitting right next to me saying encouraging words.
Throughout the test I try to not get distracted by the faint screams from upstairs that are coming from Lila who is being bathed by Camila in the bathroom. I feel confident about everything in the test and it seems fairly easy except for some questions. But overall, I think I did pretty well.
~
The next morning Lauren wakes me up at 7:30. She makes us breakfast, which I'm forced to eat since it was just us two in the dining room and she would notice if I wasn't eating. I feel really sick afterwards with my stomach feeling like it was going to destroy itself. I'm in so much pain but I can't say anything. Lauren brushes my hair and braids it into a french braid. She grabs her car keys, phone (the one Camila gave her for Christmas) and her purse. I say bye to Leah, who is bouncing excitedly behind us as we walk toward the front door. We step out into the cold winter air and head over to the car. The whole drive to the school is full of questions from Lauren asking if I was excited to find out my schedule and be in a new school and meet new friends. I just reply vaguely to every single one of her questions. I wasn't really up for it today.
When we arrive at the school, I notice that it has two floors and looked really well kept. Students walked around with their friends, laughing, talking, listening to music on their headphones. I look up at Lauren. I'm terrified. What if no one likes me? I mean, I don't start today, I have to get enrolled first and then I start tomorrow but I'm still super nervous.
Lauren just gives me a reassuring smile before grabbing my hand and pulling me across the parking lot and to the front office. She checks in and then sits down to wait.
For the rest of the time there, Lauren fills out forms and then we wait for them to be processed into the computer and then they pull up my test scores and place me in my classes. They give me a sheet with electives on it and I choose the three that I want the most. They tell us to wait for a while until everything gets processed and I'm placed into the California school system and their school database and then into all my classes before we can finally leave. They give me my schedule and a list of supplies of what I might need. By now it's already noon. Even though school is still not over for the students inside the school.
We leave campus and Lauren starts driving in a different direction from where we initially came from. I give her a questioning look, but she just says, "It's mommy-daughter day," with a smile on her face and both eyes still on the road.
She end up driving us to the mall. There she buys me some new clothes and shoes, which were needed a long time ago because I still have crappy old shoes on and my best clothes on which are the clothes Camila got us when Lauren first adopted us. Once we're done, Lauren buys us both lunch, which makes me want to groan because my stomach still hurts really badly from the small amount of breakfast I ate this morning. Tears well up in my eyes as we sit there eating. I put cover my eyes with one hand and lean my head on it while my other hand holds the fork and pokes around at the food. At this point I'm just trying not the break down.
"Sweetie, look at me." Lauren's voice speaks up. Her finger extends to reach under my chin and move my head so she can see my face. Her eyes widen when they see the tear streaks on my cheeks and my bloodshot eyes. "What's wrong, baby?" She asks, concerned.
"Nothing" I say, looking back down. She makes me look at her again.
"Something is wrong. Something has been wrong. You've been too quiet and you've been shutting everyone out. It's been like this for the past two weeks. I've been wanting to ask you but I've been hoping that you would come to me, but now I see that that's not going to happen. Please tell me what's wrong." She begs me.
"I can't do this." I whisper, my voice cracks as I speak. She immediately stands up, pulling me up with her. "Come on, let's go. We can talk in the car." She says, picking up all the bags on the floor with one hand and holding my hand in her other hand. I look down at the floor as she walks quickly out of the mall. I think she saw how uncomfortable I was being around so many people in the food court, especially while I was crying.
We reach the car and she puts everything into the trunk. She gets into the drivers side and I get into the passengers side. She turns on the car and turns on the heater, but the car stays in park. She turns to face me, "What do you mean you can't do it Ellie?" She calls me by my nickname that she gave me.
I look down at my lap with tears blurring my eyes, "My stomach hurts whenever I eat. I don't want to eat. I can't eat. I haven't been eating and I don't want to be forced to. I'm too fat. I feel so empty but I also feel like I can feel every bad feeling there is. I feel angry and sad all at once. Especially sadness. I can't do this. It hurts to much to be strong. I don't want to keep living like this. Please, just kill me. It hurts too much." I say to her, holding my head in my hands. I can't bear to see what Lauren's face looks like right now. I just can't face her. I'm a fucking disappointment.
"Look at me right now Danielle." Lauren's voice is firm, with a hint of hurt in it. I suddenly get scared. What if she's going to hit me because she's mad at me for wasting her time?
I look up at her slowly. She has a serious face on but there are tears in her eyes, "You are NOT a disappointment, got it? You are BEAUTIFUL. You are BRAVE. You are STRONG... I never thought that I'd see you in this position. I thought I did everything I could to avoid this from happening to you. But I failed. You are worth life and you a worth happiness. I'm SO proud of you for telling me this. I love you so much, okay? I'm going to do everything I can to help you get better. I don't want you to be sad. So right now we are going to wipe these tears off our faces. I'm going to go buy us two fruit smoothies and we will drink it. Trust me, it will help with the pain. We are going to go to finish buying everything and I'm going to take you to the beach, alright? Don't cry baby. We'll get through this together. Just remember that I'm here for you to talk to me whenever you want, be it good or bad. Don't be afraid to come to me." Her voice cracks several times. She reaches over the counsel and wipes my tears away before embracing me into a long, tight hug. I have absolutely no idea how this just happened. Everything has gone by so fast today. We were just inside a moment ago and now I'm here crying with my mom because I told her my biggest secret. What ever happened to "I'll never tell her"?
I'm glad I said something, though. Because right now, I can feel. I can feel love and I can feel warmth. I'm crying tears of happiness. I feel like the weight on my chest has finally been lifted and I can finally breath again. I feel like I can finally live. Now I have my mom to help me get through this.
~
After we finish shopping, we drop the bags off at home and let Camila know where we are going. Lauren tells them that they can come but that they'll have to take another car because there's no space inside just Lauren's car to fit seven people. So Camila and Lila join me and Lauren in our car and Ally, Dinah, and Normani take another car.
At the beach we all run around as the sun goes down with out speakers playing loudly. We were in a secluded part of the beach right next to a giant cliff. To get down to where we are we had to walk down a steep hill, but it was worth it.
Once the sky starts to get dark, Camila lights up the bonfire. She had spent the whole time here at the beach collecting dry branches to make this fire. Lauren and I lay on a blanket, staring up at the sky. We both see things others don't in the simplest of things. I think that's why we have such a tight bond. There aren't many people that know how we think. Or how we see or hear things. Even our sense of touch is unique. So as we stare up at the night sky that has billions of stars lighting up the night sky, we lay in silence knowing what the other is thinking. There's no need for words in this moment. But I know one thing's for sure.
Today was special.